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Sweet blessed DISENGAGEMENT!!!!!!

paul_in_utah's picture

As it happens, I had sort of organically developed the idea of "disengagement" right around the time I discovered this site. I think that I was just calling it "withdrawl," but it is the same idea. That being said, I wish that I could have discovered this site long ago, so that I could have learned about disengagement long ago. It has made a huge difference!

As a bit of background, I am step-father to SS22 and SD17. SS is out of the house, living with SpermGrandma, so he is not that much of a problem. However, SD15 still lives with us, and is a **huge** problem.

For a long time, I really tried to be involved in the skids' lives, but I eventually grew weary of being unappreciated, while the perfect, and mostly absent, bio-daddies were worshippd by the skids (yes, I got the pleasure of dealing with not one, but two, perfect bio-daddies, or "SpermIdiots" as Rags calls them). For many years I felt like I needed to keep trying, because I had bought into the whole "package deal" BS. Eventually, I started backing off. Recnetly, after a particularly bad series of fights centered around SD17, I broke completely, and haven't felt this good for years. The arguements centered around SD17 are mostly gone, my blood-pressure is coming down, and DW is sadling me with fewer and fewer SD-related chores.

This new-found freedom is not without some price, however. I am basically a stranger in my own house when SD17 is here. I usually confine myself to my office, or the master bedroom, so as to avoid interacting with her. Also, I have been forced to make concessions about the SD doing chores and picking up after herself (SD17's refusal to do chores, and DW's refusal to back me up, led to many of the arguements). Also, I have had to concede spending as much time with my wife, so that she can have "one-on-one" time with SD17, when normally we would all do "family stuff" together.
Nonetheless, I find myself much happier, and much more at peace, since I disengaged.

There are relatively few good resources out there for step-parents, but this site is a good one. Without a doubt, disengagement is one of the best lessons one can learn by spending some time here.

BellaMia's picture

I'm glad to hear you have begun to strike more of a balance with your circumstances. I, too, learned from the wise souls on this site how to disengage in a positive, healthy way. Even before I started to post and interact a bit, I was still able to see situations that are similar to mine and that - in and of itself - made me feel so much better!

Good luck to you and your DW in the future. Like you, I think the "package deal" approach might work for some, but not all...

paul_in_utah's picture

The "package deal" might work in cases where bio-dad is completely absent. If he's around, even in a limited capacity, there is a deep-seated urge in most kids to worship the ground that he walks on. In my case, I have the worst scenario: bio-dads are around just enough to keep reminding the skids of their existence, but not enought to do any meaningful parenting.

BellaMia's picture

I'm RIGHT there with you. Just exchange the "dads" for "moms." Sending a big ol' hug your way! Sounds like you've found a good way to manage a less-than-ideal situation though, so good for you.

MamaKrzewski's picture

I too have learned the art of disengagement. In the beginning I wanted to be the ideal stepmom, to be best friends (or at least somewhat liked) with my stepdaughters. One I still get along with, the other is being used by her mom. It hurt at first, but I've learned to step back. And I have to, because my child is a special needs child, and I will not have drama in his home.

The true test comes next month when we go to get SD2 for spring break. Especially if SD1 decides to come. But I'll make it through it.

Milomom's picture

Hey paul_in_utah!

I've commented on a few of your posts before.

Yes, I've also found that disengaging works WONDERS to protect an otherwise healthy, happy relationship with my FDH. In the beginning, I also thought the "package deal" family concept could work. However, I don't think it works for ALL stepfamilies and I also think that a partial "package deal" can also work.

I have learned a wonderful expression here on StepTalk (not sure whose blog I first read it) - so my advice to many other struggling Stepparents is this:

Say to yourself "NOT MY KIDS, NOT MY PROBLEM!" - then simply RINSE, LATHER & REPEAT.

Also, just to satisfy my OWN curiousity, I have a couple of questions for you:

1. How long have you been married/with your DW?
2. Why does she have 2 kids from 2 different previous men before you (i.e. death of former spouse,etc...)?
3. Didn't it "deter" you at all from getting serious with a woman with 2 kids from 2 different men? NO INTENTION TO JUDGE YOU OR HER OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT - just wondering about this from a GUY'S perspective, that's all.

Here's to SWEET DISENGAGEMENT!! (Milomom raises virtual glass of wine...or actually cup of coffee right now. lol)

wicked's picture

I learned to disengage a long time ago, but it was this site that gave me the validation that it is OKAY. Smile

bamaal's picture

Disengagement, the best thing I ever did. After 10 years of rude remarks, dirty looks and not appreciating anything I did, I got my life back. After I stopped reminding her of chores to get done or doing them myself it is sweet music to listen to Mom complain about chores not getting done. I just say " Don't know what she was doing with her time" and I exit the room before they start arguing with each other.

Andy in Utah also

badmammajamma's picture

Does disengagement also mean removing yourself from any financial responsibility towards the steps?

paul_in_utah's picture

Mostly. My DW pays for SD17's food, clothes, insurance, etc. I recently conceded to paying for a cruise for DW and SD17, so that I would not have to go on a "family" cruise with SD17. I am also paying for summer camp for SD, but only so that my wife will get a week of "freedom" during the summer - I am NOT doing it to be nice to SD17.

I don't have to worry about SD17 going to college (won't have the grades or test scores), but even if she was going, I would not be paying for that. I also will not be helping with a car for SD, or car insurance.

What does concern me, though, is stuff like SD getting pregnant, killing someone while racing cars, etc. Because our wonderful society makes us responsible for our spouses debt's, I could potentially get saddled with 1/2 of any judgment against SD (for things such medical bills, wrongful death suits, etc.). If it ever comes to that, DW and I will have to get divorced so that I can protect as many assets as possible.

alwaysanxious's picture

For me it does. I rarely ever paid for anything. Now, its just birthday and xmas presents with a set dollar amt.

stepmom2011's picture

Disengagement mostly works for me, but I am finding aspects of it difficult to stomach. My SD13 has not ralized I have disengaged. She just tells her dad that I don't like her anymore or something like that. I have said, "I like to spend time with nice people. If you want people to be nice to you... be nice to them!" But being a child she doesn't comprehend like an adult. So now she is being mean to me because I am supposedly being "mean to her". She doesn't understand how it began. Her comprehension is a little low sometimes. Now I am a bitch for pulling back. Either way I am a bitch! Either way I am not leaving. I love my DH, and as long as he is trying... then so will I. This website has been very helpful.

I think if SD13 was older. Her brother SS17 is not abusive toward me so it is easier with him. He would understand if I used this technique.

Paul in Utah... sorry you have to give up som time with your wife. It says a lot about your love for her that you would take financial responsibility for ANYTHING regarding her daugther. I hope SD17 will appreciate what you have done when she is older and wiser.

alwaysanxious's picture

I know this is an older post, but wanted to comment.

I read your blogs and was very happy to hear the positive outcome for you

"have had to concede spending as much time with my wife, so that she can have "one-on-one" time with SD17, when normally we would all do "family stuff" together."

This is me on the weekends and probably for a lot of the summer. I am encouraged though by doing my own thing. Going out with friends, and finding hobbies. Maybe my work productivity will skyrocket LOL.

Just wish more steptalkers were nearby so we could have a meet up!

goingslowlycrazy's picture

Thank you everyone for letting me know about disengaging ..90% of our fights are about the skids and or the bm??I too used to think that I could step in and be everything to everyone??now I actually feel calmer if I don't get involved??unfortunately ss16 lives with us so I still have to put up with his disrespect. But now if he leaves all his dirty dishes in the sink for me to do before I go to work.. I leave them for his father.i no longer get involved with his room beng cleaned up ,I let his father do it. I'm sure that one day dh will see the light..I hope so..he's very much in denial ATM ..I plan to make this week my last visit to the school , I've tried and failed to get him to attend..he currently is on bail..an dive filled out all his college applications for him..but I'm getting nowhere..I'm taking a huge step back and I'm sure I'll get accused of not liking the kids or some other bull. But for my sanity I have to pull back

goingslowlycrazy's picture

So an absolute classic just now..my OH has just called me to say that from September he will be $600 per month worse off as his payments stop cos the ss turns 17..so hes just letting me know that We are ok till September....???

dood's picture

You know, I also did the disengagement thing... and its nice to know that this is a real "thing" that people do. There are pros and cons and people have indicated. I find though, that the feelings of such enormous discomfort in my own home started to make me relatively insane and now I have a new tactic which I'm just testing out. This past skid weekend, instead of being absent, I tried being front and center with my SO. I was very engaging with my BF and joined in all the conversations - started them in fact. Twist of fate... the Skid assumed the disengagement role and hid in his room for the entire weekend.

The thing is here, when you disengage you sort of set the tone that there is pretty much no need to interact with the skid. It becomes the unspoken "thing". When I stopped doing that, turns out the skid backed out - great. I get my house and my BF back, you go hide.

goingslowlycrazy's picture

This sounds marvellous..I'm going to try it...kind of there in body but not in mind until the enemy retreats?

SweetMom's picture

Your sd will test you in the future. The best thing my step dad said to me was this, " don't start shit if you don't want any." Yes I was a little dumb founded. Being in your skids shoes once upon a time, that statement dumbfounded me. However, my step dad ended up meaning a lot to me and helped me along my way with his actions. I've learned to realize that kids brain is like a scrambled egg in the frying pan...even at 17. I agree with disengaging because it has helped me with the step kid too. Venting also helps because I don't have all the answers. Most of the time it isn't the kid but the puppetier holding the strings. Whats so sad is that the expression I remember on his face from confusion towards his death. I hate my mom for that and if he found this site and was Into computers, he'd been a lot happier.

jojo68's picture

I tried at the beginning to be a part of SD15's life but she has no interest in a relationship with me and I am ok with that. Disengaging is a good way to deal when you don't want to leave your DH/DW because of a SK who doesn't like you. I completely don't get my SD and I'm sure she doesn't get me either. I choose not to take part in her life other than basic needs. No fights/no issues...we just stay out of each others business. I leave that to her father to deal with.

SugarSpice's picture

disengage is my mantra. i love it and live by it! it is sweet when you just dont care anymore. mil, fil, bil and skids can just disappear and i would not miss them.