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Stepkids who misbehave and it is not addressed

tarynewtostep's picture

When my partner's kids misbehave it is not addressed over half of the time. Yesterday one of the skids was very rude to me, telling me what we were doing, that we weren't going to do what I wanted to do , and I had a choice to go with them or to go home. This child is 6 and I thought it was very rude. My partner said nothig because she didn't want to do what I wanted to do either and I was the odd one out and viewed me as the bad one for voicing my opinion about not wanting to go to breakfast again with skids, my partner and MIL. I voiced that I wanted to go to a food festival, that was only for that day, instead of going to breakfast with her kids again when they had already ate breakfast at home( I had not and was looking forward to this). Granted I invited everyone to go with me but no one wanted to. I also felt ganged up on because it was my partner, MIL and the skids all voiced their displeasure about me not wanting to do breakfast again. I felt I have no voice and am always the bad one for pointing out other plans I might want to do. I began distancing myself as I was ignored by my partner and everyone else except for skid who made random rude comments towards me. When we got home my partner was very anrgy with me saying I was rude to skid (which I wasn't, skid manipulates) and MIL also said I was rude to skid. (MIL is delusional and will always think her children and grandhcilden can do no wrong. MIL also acts rudely at times too (towards waitstaff, uber drivers, etc. and lectures me about being a family and what that means even though her child and grandkids are rude to me and I'm supposed to just take it, which I do, but I do disengaged and become distant but no one ever asks why I do they just get angrier with me) also my partner and MIL called me selfish for wanting to go to the festival that was only for one day and when I had invited them and I had helped the with many other things. I also find it hard because I am expected to take turns paying for the whole family (MIL, my partner and skids) when I work very hard for my money, I'm not wealthy and I watch them be so unappreciative most of the time. Meals with them cost so much and skids can be so rude. They are not my kids and I have paid for them plenty of times when I have taken them places but their attitudes just rub me the wrong way and I dont feel they appreciated and I am also not wealthy. I was also lectured by partner and MIL for not covering the entire bill (granted I paid for my own meal every single time). I guess as a woman who works very hard I'm supposed to pay for MIL, skids, and my partner too. I was also lectured that vacation are about skids and I had to sacrafice my needs and wants (and paycheck too I guess even though they never said that).  So am I supposed to babysit, carry luggage, eat only at places the skids like, play taxi driver or pay for uber, and fork over my hard earned money just to be treated rudely by my partner's childen?  Granted MIL is covering the cost of the rental house on vacation but I was told now I had to pay her for a third of it since I distanced myself and was no longer hanging out with them (after they were rude and skid was playing victim) I came back to the house and skid (who was rude to me earlier) was crying because I left her because I went to the store because no one in the entire family was talking to me. This was because I voiced my opinion about going to a food festival and it started a whole ordeal of basically skids, MIL and partner getting their way anyways. My partner then berated and yelled at me saying I was mean for leaving and it hurt skids feelings. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. If I voice a differing opinion I am made to feel bad and shut up but if I shut up Im berated.  Am I supposed to be happy all the time about a trip like this? Also call me cheap but I don;t dirnk bottle water on trips. I bring my water bottle and fill it up as it saves me money. Skids said this was gross. Granted my partner buys them bottle water everywhere in which they take two sips and throw it away. Maybe I am cheap but I hate seeing money wasted like this espcially since on vacation bottled water is expensive. It drives me crazy how wasteful and unappreciative they are.

SteppedOut's picture

Exactly what positive are you getting out of this relationship? Is the only positive "I am not alone"? 

I think you should very stongly consider if this is the right relationship for you. Being single would be better than all this bullshit. 

ndc's picture

This isn't a skid problem.  This is a problem with your partner.  I'm sure you're venting here so you wouldn't need to mention the positives, but I assume there must be some or you wouldn't be in this relationship.  

Harry's picture

He does not make his kids respect you.  How can you stay ina home with no respect... trime to start looking somewhere else,  where you get respect.  Not with this bad parent 

shamds's picture

firstly they are leeches, they see your dollar figures and how you should spend for them etc. They are lecturing you on how to spend your hard earned money but you are not a spouse/parent or their minor child etc so reality is they need to shut up. They wanna lecture you on paying for the whole family because they are leeches and don’t really care about you. You are basically their ATM

secondly, they’re gaslighting you!! Its easy to blame you, make the cause of the issue you so they don’t have to accept or take responsibility for their patheticness, rudeness, lack of manners, disrespect and also address these issues so lets blame the potential stepparent

thirdly, they seem to be a controlling bunch. They tell you what you can or can’t do, should or shouldn’t do yada yada... 

fourthly, this is a toxic unhealthy family dynamic and environment. You are treated like dirt, if you open your mouth its a “how dare you?” You are their scapegoat

part of being in a relationship is compromise. Its not always about skid(s), the gf or bf and what they wanna do. This should rotate around...

simifan's picture

You should have gone to the food festival yourself.

 

I would never go on a vacation where it is your job to sacrifice. Hell, if im gonna sacriice I can do that at home. Please reconsider ever going on vacation with these people again. 

Cover1W's picture

You need to seriously reconsider staying in this relationship. 

OR you need to start standing up for yourself kindly, firmly and consistently.  Do not let them bully you. You have zero obligation to those kids, don't let anyone tell you differently.

I had a similar situation develop, sans crazy MIL (do NOT engage with her ever again)...bought tix to an event for the four of us, everyone was wanting to go.  Day of, NO ONE but me wanted to go and I was criticized for trying to get everyone ready to leave. So you know what I did?  I left.  I went to the event. DH showed up much later with YSD, OSD stayed home.  YSD complained the whole time she was there - I told DH when I had enough to please just take her home so I could enjoy the event.  They left.  Then I took myself out to a nice dinner by myself - and I did this for almost an entire week.  From then on, I did not ever do 'event planning.'  I do not pay for SDs on vacation unless it's like an ice cream or treat here or there.  

If I am treated poorly for something I do, get no apology, then I am done.

DH was not happy with this at first.  Note I didn't say anything to him, I just stopped - stopped planning, stopped going to restaurants, stopped doing things with them, stopped cleaning up and cooking for them.  DISENGAGED.  The process took about a year or so to stop with what was the problematic things, but it made DH have to do it.  You have ever right to say 'no.' Practice it.  Practice also explaining why, calmly.  Make no apologies.  

Or leave.  My DH has been frustrated and at times angry, (if he does go over a line he recognizes it and stops, but it's not frequent and reflects enitrely on his handling of the situation), but we are still able to discuss it.  If your partner cannot stop and rationally discuss this, you need to go.

 

tarynewtostep's picture

Every time I have tried to stand up for myself I am met with my partner's anger, the silent treatment, I'm blacklisted from the group, told to leave or I'm accused of being selfish. I care about the kids but I also have things I want to do as well, especially on vacation and I also do not feel I should be paying for the skids. Like you I don't mind buying them the occaisonal treat or toy. I've bought plenty of their lunches and paid for plenty fo their activities as well. However this is my choice to do so and should not be expected of me all the time. I'm also shut out completely when I mention the skids poor behaviors. There is no talking to my partner as it seems everything offends her when it comes to her skids and she gets very angry with me. She never sees things from the other perspective at all. She also will get very angry with me for not wanting to hang out with them when her kids are rude to me then blame me and yell at me for disengaging. She never appologizes and it does not feel good.

Cover1W's picture

My DH at least listens to me and he has changed regarding how he is a parent to the SDs.  He's not perfect by any means, but he's better.  He very rarely outright gets angry with me, usually it's a situation he's angry about, not me per se. 

If your partner cannot sit down and have a rational conversation about your feelings, how you want to/don't want to be involved, how SHE sees your involvement, then this is more than a kid/mom issue - it's a way of handling ALL conflict.  You'll have this issue over more than just the kids most likely.

Do you live together?  If not, I would not recommend you move in - if you are there, disengage or more out. And esp. move out if she reacts with anger to your disengagement.  You don't have to announce your disengagement (I never did and never use that term with DH), just stop helping and stop doing things, but politely.  You are not a child and they are not your kids.  I think you know what you need to do.