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New to step talk

tarynewtostep's picture

Hi everyone. I am new to step talk. I am a childless lesbian woman in a relationship with my partner, a woman who has two children from a previous relationship(marriage). We are not married. Her children are 5 and 8 and I have known them for over two years now and am actively involved in their lives. I have found step parenting to be rewarding yet very challenign and lonely at the same time. The main thing that I worry about when we have disagreements or are not getting along she shuts me out of their lives completely, as if I have never known them. It s hurtful and a lonely place to be. On top of that when we are not getting along it is mainly because if silly things, like parenting differences or the kids behaving badly. She acts as if I have done something terrible. She will what do you expect to happen if we break up?  Yet Im supposed to act like their parent and be in that role when we are getting along. Anyone feel me here?

fairyo's picture

Hi Tary welcome to the site. 

You are right about steparenting being challenging and lonely- but you will find friends here!

It seems to be from the little info you have put that this is not so much a problem with the skids as with your SO- this is a very common feature of steplife, that it is the parent who is not supportive of the step, and the step begins to suck up the shit when things go wrong.

Have you thought of counselling? I'm not a big fan, but it may help your SO to be more consistent and see that her parenting impacts on you, and that you can find some strategies for dealing with triggers.

I don't really know what else to suggest except stick around and you'll learn a lot and get good advice!

beebeel's picture

So she's willing to use her kids as weapons against you whenever you argue. Huge red flag. She very likely pulls the same shit with her ex, creating a high conflict situation. 

You should never be expected to " act like their parent" regardless of how well you are getting along with their mom. First, they have parents and second, you've only been around them two short years. 

I'm guessing the "differences in parenting" arguments center around the issue that she expects you to have all the responsibility of being a parent with none of the authority. So she doesn't back you up at all concerning her kids. More red flags.

If you watch her kids, stop. If you have been doing transportation or meal planning or laundry, stop. She how she responds. If she's just looking for a mute choffeur/maid/taxi for her kids, she will "punish" you some more for pulling back. If she actually wants an equal partnership, she will approach you with apologies and appreciation.

Don't saddle yourself with a selfish jerk who emotionally punishes you whenever you argue. Her treatment if you us likely to become worse, not better, the longer you are with her.

Kes's picture

I will not beat about the bush, I see your problem as being with your borderline emotionally abusive partner.  Shutting you out from the relationship with your step children because she has fallen out with you, and then threatening you with the relationship ending, is abusive.  

tarynewtostep's picture

Thank you everyone. I feel very welcome here already. In reponse yes I do believe there is something a little off about the situation that I cannot seem to put my finger on. Something seems not right but I'm not sure exactly what it is and anytime I bring anything up I'm basically shut out or told to leave then given the silent treatment and I am also shut otu of the kids lives completely. I understand kids come first, I am not disputing this, but when your partner has you as their third, or fourth priority in their life and you make them your number one priority things are off balance. Also when your partner does not listen to your concerns nor seem to care it does not feel good either.

tarynewtostep's picture

Thank you. I must admit I used the silent treatment early on in our relationship but it lasted no longer than one day. It was because my feelings were deeply hurt over something that happened. She has used the silent treatment for several days on a time on me over very small things, normal conflict that comes up when there are children involed. That and anger rages where she will take off. That you for the link. The thing I am struggling with is the rejection. whenever we are not getting along great the kids are turned on me automatically and I am cut out of everyones life. I believe she may want me to beg to come back but I wont this time. I have no reason to feel bad nor beg her. If he children do not listen or behave I will bring it up. I should not feel bad for doing so.

fairyo's picture

Oh yes, that silent treatment- designed to wear you down until you breakand then they step in for the kill... it amazes me how long can keep their anger festering and then wait for the right moment to unlease it all on you.  I suspect some of these people are silent for so long they can't remember what they are angry about!

Not TheX- he could save it up and save it up... 

However, I am enjoying his silence now because he lives about 50 miles away!! That silence is now golden I can tell you...