Stepdaughter preferring me over her biomom...
As most of you know, we have custody of my stepdaugher (6) and have since she was 2 or so. Her mother had weekend visitations until 3, when we moved away because of job opportunities and her mother had slowly stopped taking her visitation. Since then, she sees her mom in the summer and holidays. Other than that, her mother doesn't reach out very often. A phone/video chat now and then but that's it.
Since we had our son a year ago, my stepdaughter has taken to calling me "mom." I used to remind her that I'm not mom, i'm her stepmom, but after having our son and seeing her jealousy over our bond, I didn't bother correcting her because I knew she was hurting and wanted what my son had. She's called me "mom" in front of her mother before and her mother seemed to understand and be ok with it, but I'm sure it hurt.
Now today, when her mom and grandma video called, i heard her grandma say "tell mommy what you want for christmas" and she looked over at me and started telling me, even though her mother was right beside grandma in the video chat. I got kind of awkward and right away said "no SD tell your mommy on the phone" and she said "what mommy??" and everything went silent. Like she forgot that BM IS her mom too or something.
Should I be addressing this? Should DH be addressing this? I know BM is ok or at least sucking it up that she sees me as another mom, but I'm certain she'll be upset if SD starts forgetting her/preferring me. Is it our place to try and say something? I really don't want BM to start seeing me as a threat or anything and turn SD against me.
Wow, that's hard. At 6, the
Wow, that's hard. At 6, the person you live with the bulk of the time is "Mommy". I give BM credit for being able to handle that without taking it out on SD. I assume BM talks to her between visits - how do you guys refer to BM? How does SD refer to her?
Maybe it could be a "Mommy" vs."Mama" thing, like kids with two mother use sometimes. Can DH and BM have a conversation? If so, maybe they can discuss it. But I'd let BM be Mommy and have her call you something else similar.
You seem to be projecting
You seem to be projecting your feelings onto BM. Did BM get upset? Did she correct SD? You didn't mention anything like that so I doubt that BM cares as much as you'd hope she would or should. There are moms out there that don't care about their kids as much as society expects them too.
Love knows no bounds and you could be that unicorn SM that ends up with a good relationship with your SD as she grows up. But then again, she is young and you have not reached the teen years yet.
If you really bothers you that much then add your name to the lable. SD can have mommyBM and mommysunshinex.
I would classify this as a
I would classify this as a non-issue. Kids are smart. They know who their REAL parents are and being a REAL parent, particularly in blended family situations, has little to do with biology for many.
Do not make this bigger than it is.
We never told my SS to call me Dad(dy). He just did. I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy). He knew the SpermIdiot was daddy but since my DW moved out of state for university and took SS with her before he started talking I was "Daddy".
The SpermIdiot didn't seem to be bothered by it but SpermGrandHag sure was.
Meanwhile 20+++ years later and back at the ranch... SS-26 is now mine officially after he requested an adult adoption. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. I even have a 22yr back dated birth certificate clearly stating that I am Daddy.
Keep it simple. If BM or GM say anything about it address it with them and let this kid have her mom..... you.