My husband's ex-wife is engaged - Protocol?
Hi!
First post.
This past summer I got married and welcomed a 5 year old step-daughter into my life. I was very dissappointed when my husband's ex-wife contacted her lawyer and demanded we transfer $1200 to her account the day before our wedding and wrote an angry note suggesting our daughter was very anxious about the wedding (perhaps excited was a better term). Had some tears on the drive to the venue and spent the whole morning worried about my step daughter and what I was doing to her. Instead, she was thrilled, dutifully stood up front as my bridesmaid, and trailed me like a shadow all day. She asked if she could call me "Mom" now !
I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning of this gig (pre-wedding) favouring my own preferences over the bio-mom's for my new kid (there have been several instances where I question her sanity!). I realize thats a huge mistake, and just creates unnecessary tension for myself.
Now bio-mom is engaged, and despite wanting to demand a cash payment the day before her wedding, and pen a nasty letter airing concerns about the new step-dad, I'm trying to take the high road with all of this.
Should we get her a card and a small gift (gift card?) for the engagement?
Whats the high-road option here?
-papayag
The high road option is to
The high road option is to ignore it. If SD says something exciting, just say "wow, that sounds cool, what do you want for dinner?" Affirm her reaction and change the subject.
Anything you give to BM will be seen as snarky, passive aggressive, etc. No good deed goes unpunished, so just don't try. You aren't BM's friend or her family, so there is nothing you should do.
Another bit of advice: I'd refrain from referring to your SD as your daughter, and I'd come up with some other cute nickname for yourself that isn't "Mom". BM is going to be hostile, and those two things will only aggravate her more. You know you care about your SD. Your SD knows you care about her. Don't stir the pot with BM by trying to take a place beside her publically. It's rude to BM.
Is a card really snarky? I
Is a card really snarky? I got SD to make her parents a little christmas ornament as well, was that out of line? I just don't want to invalidate her life over there by being cold towards it. I think they pick up on that.
Yea, we just told my step-daughter that she can call me whatever she wants. 99.9% of the time she calls me by my first name, but when she has friends over she refers to me as her Mom explaining that she can call me Mom or by my first name because I'm her step Mom. I would NEVER request she called me Mom. That came from her, and I didn't want to 'reject' her that day, so just said, 'sure, if you want - but you can also call me abc'.
A card isn't snarky. No
A card isn't snarky. No normal person would view it as snarky. But a woman who threw a giddy fit the day before your wedding? Yeah, she's going to read MUCH further into it than needed.
If your SD wants to do something, help her create a handmade card or some other craft. Something that comes from her. BM is less likely to throw a temper tantrum over that.
Look, you're not dealing with an ex who has their child's best interest at heart. You won't be able to act like a "bonus mom" like you see on Facebook. You're going to have to do things differently and view the relationship you have with BM differently. Remain cordial and civil if you see her in person, but minimize your contact and influence. You can be whatever you and SD decide in your home, but in public or when talking to public figures (e.g. friends), it's probably best to remain "just the SM". This is to protect your sanity and help prevent any loyalty binds that BM puts her daughter in. Basically, the more that you can be a trusted adult similar to an aunt or teacher versus another parent or "bonus mom", the less likely BM is going to try and make your life - and by extension, SD's life - miserable.
Why would you do anything?
Why would you do anything? She's not a friend or family member, let it be.
I'm confused about why BM demanding $1200.00 the day before your wedding? Emotional damages? (kidding)
I just think about her as a
I just think about her as a coworker, and I would get my coworker and engagement card even if I hated them? Interesting, I appear to be alone on this thinking!
Are you familiar with the
Are you familiar with the expression "no good deed goes unpunished"? Step world and the rest of the world are two entirely different planets ... most of the time.
Get her a gift card to Target
Get her a gift card to Target, write "Congratulations" and stick it in an envelope. If you must get her something don't make it personal or sappy. I would have glady accepted gift cards or money from exH and his current wife.
The high road option is to do
The high road option is to do absolutely nothing. You have no connection to her and your dh has divorced her. You do what you'd do for any stranger - nothing.
Do nothing - she's not your
Do nothing - she's not your friend.
And SD is not your daughter or your "new kid". Don't be surprised if around age 12, she stops calling you mom and starts calling you names you didn't ever dream about. There are lots of stories on here about SMs who had a great relationship with their stepkids when they were little, and gradually it became hostile, antagonistic and then non-existent. BMs like this don't tend to allow their kids to have a loving relationship with their stepmother.
To be sure, she only calls me
To be sure, she only calls me mom when she's explaining me to her friends. The rest of the time its by my name. I am not fooled into thinking she's my daughter either. However, given that she's only 5, having known her since she was 1, she is also my responsibility.
I know things will fall apart when she's a teenager. I guess I'm trying to avoid having a horrendous relationship with the other house, in advance of that, wherein my SD is poisoned against me and her Dad. I didn't think a small gesture could hurt but I am likely reading the situation wrong.
It won't matter either way.
It won't matter either way. BM won't care.
(And she is 100% NOT your responsibility unless you choose for her to be).
You’re setting yourself up
You’re setting yourself up for a whole lot of heartache and drama, I’m afraid.
The “high road” is to proceed with caution, with worst case disengaging, aside from assuring they’re safe and looked after, of course - from arms length.
I'd get her a nice $10 gift
I'd get her a nice $10 gift card from the Dollar Tree and call it a day.
Only trying to prevent future
Only trying to prevent future heartache. . . I’m not sure what you mean by this: “I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning of this gig (pre-wedding) favouring my own preferences over the bio-mom's for my new kid (there have been several instances where I question her sanity!). I realize that’s a huge mistake, and just creates unnecessary tension for myself.”
But, if you keep acting like the literal 2nd biblical wife and kowtowing to BM to ease “unnecessary tension,” BM is going to be able to serve your butt on a platter to whomever she pleases in the future.
You and your DH have your own home and your OWN boundaries and rules, I hope. Your attitude regarding BM should largely be: Who cares? You have your life with your husband, and it appears BM is about to have her life with her soon-to-be-husband.
If there are any disagreements regarding your SD, that is between bio-mom and bio-dad. And, you shouldn’t even be thinking about what gift to give her. That is up to your husband. You don’t owe her anything, esp. considering her treatment re: your own nuptials in the past. I’m not saying she’s the enemy, but if your husband wants to give a gift to the mother of his child, that is one thing. What reason would you have to give her a gift?, other than some “off” attempt to pacify the “lead” wife, wife #1? Don’t go there.
If BM expects you to pacify her, and it looks like she does, then that is up to your DH to set boundaries with her and others. You are his one and only wife. It is not up to you to try to take-on or take-down BM. As a SM, whether you try to beat-down BM or lick her boots, either way you’ll wind up in step hell for it; so, it is best to not do either. If your DH expects you to pacify BM, then they are both a problem: Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.
I wouldn’t bother
Being polite and civil is for pleasant people and exwife is horrible and high conflict so just keep silent. Heck any man who left a high conflict ex wouldn’t be saying “congrats on the engagement”!!
The high road is to not
The high road is to not reciprocate her shenanigans. You do NOT send a card.. or gift.. or any acknowlegement. You are not her coworker.. you are not her friend. You are the wife of her exhusband.
If you choose to help your SD make her a gift for mother's day.. etc.. you are helping your STEPDAUGHTER with a task.. you aren't making a gift for your husband's exwife. (who would likely place it in the trash if she knew you touched it.)
This is a time to be a neutral party... if SD is excited about the wedding..or her role in it. You just say things.. like. "sounds like you will have so much fun" etc.. DO not get into a discussion about the ex or her relationship. It is not your business and you can ignore it. It's not being cold.. it's not being enmeshed with your husband's exwife.
This person is no relation to
This person is no relation to you. If you were not invited, do nothing.
As for the high road, with many in the blended family opposition the "high road" is merely a sign of weakness and sets you up to be a target of toxic behavior and a victim.
IMHO of course.
Idevilin nailed it
You do not have a relationship with her. You are not wife number two when she's wife number one. Nor are you the new wife and she's the ex-wife. You are the only wife. It is not your job to make her happy, it is not your job to stop her from being miserable, it is not your job to make her miserable.
The best thing you could do is be completely absent from each others lives. If she had proven herself friendly and open as some of the BMs on the site are to the SMs to their children, you might have had a chance. But she has already proven herself to be slightly nuts. In this case, you don't give each other presents you don't give each other cards and honestly you shouldn't even give too much consideration to each other's opinions on child raising. You and your husband are a team. What he wants for his daughter is good enough for you unless you have strong feelings about why it's not good for your home. If your daughter has a solid and happy family to come home to when she's with you, that will serve her much better than an artificially forced relationship with someone who does not have your best interest at heart.
and as for the doomsayers who insist that all stepchildren turn on their stepmother's when they're teenagers, know that it is often true and they are speaking from experience. But that it is often not. My two wonderful step kids did not. They are still a wonderful and joyous part of my life.
Thanks
thanks everyone!
this has been incredibly eye openning and oddly relieving. I appreciate everyone who took some time to post.
happy new year!
Nothing
I would do nothing. If it comes up in passing, a simple congrats would do.