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spy among us

lynnie's picture

My SD who is 9 came over friday for her 2wk. visit with H. BM sent cell phone with sd. since sd arrived on friday she has been texting & talking to bm nonstop, and giving her a play by play of our every move. I have been with DH since sd was 6 mos. old & married for 7yrs. have 3 bk's myself 14,12, 10. I have no kids with dh.
Its so intrusive knowing that you have a 9yr old spy lurking around your house! what to do without looking like the bad guy again???

lynnie's picture

Her bm & stepdad sent it with her so they could text & talk to her every 5 seconds. Since she has brought the phone she has been acting secretive & hiding the phone when she goes to sleep. I found it while she was asleep the other night & what do ya know? I find bm questioning her and all of sd replies or texts to bm deleted but I can put the conversation together by bm & stepdads texts. Appaently from what I read is that dh & I are inadequate, scary, mean people. All of which was news to us! We did take the battery out of the phone which has led to bm calling dh's phone asking about sd's phone! wth?

StepMadre's picture

There is no law stating that minor children are required to have a cell phone that the bio-parent can call anytime. You could try to get it written into a custody order, but I think they would laugh if you even asked. I would have a no cell phones in the house rule and take it away and shut it down when she is with you and give it back before she returns to her mother. If BM urgently needs to contact her or vice versa in a real emergency, they can go through the adults phone or a landline if you have one. If BM insists on having contact with your skid during your custody time, you can give her specific times to call and not accept calls from outside that time area. She sounds like she has been getting her way and shoving her rules into your household, but that is no reason not to put your foot down. It's your house and your rules! She has absolutely no authority in your household and as long as you follow a custody order and provide reasonable contact with BM for your skid, she can literally do nothing other than rant and throw tantrums. Your SD will probably freak out as well, but she's a kid and will get over it. Upsetting a kid and an inappropriate BM are the price you have to pay to get peace and privacy in your own home. Who cares if the BM is pissed off? Let her be. She doesn't run your house, you do. I would never let this happen in my own home! My SS12 has a cell phone that we got him and he has specific rules he has to follow with it and we take it away if he breaks those rules. His mom gave him a crappy used phone that kept getting cut off due to non-payment and when he didn't follow our house rules with it, we took it away and gave it back right before returning him to his mothers house. He kicked up a big fuss and H got an angry VM from BM saying SHE was providing the phone and so we didn't have the right to confiscate it. H told her that WE have our own house rules and when the skids are in our custody they have to follow our rules and that includes proper use of phones. He broke our phone rules and we kept the phone confiscated most of the time and gave it back when he went to BMs. He bitched about it and his mom was thrilled because he rarely has anything bad to say about our house and she got to bash us and get away with it. BM tried to argue and said that H couldn't take away from SS12 something that was HER property and so H responded that if she would like to pick up HER property then it would be waiting in a little brown bag on our porch if she wanted to come get it. That shut her up and although she complained and bashed us as much as possible, there wasn't a thing she could do about it. SS12 follows his rules now because he doesn't want to lose his new, nice phone, but if he does we will confiscate it in a heartbeat. Our house. Our rules. Don't put up with crap!!! Let the BM freak out, she can't do a thing about it.

lynnie's picture

yes, but my bd has a cell phone and she is 14 and does not text anyone 24/7 let alone me or her BD. I wouldn't had such an issue with the phone if it were not constant text and calls and all about whats going on at our house & if anyone is being mean to sd & so on & so on! I mean bio mom doesn't even allow dh to call sd when she is with her. BM doesn't even allow sd to call dh her dad around her and her husband. sd has to call dh by first name & her husband daddy.

PoisonApples's picture

BM sent SD7 with a mobile phone when she was only 5! She had been calling 15-20 times a day and we stopped taking the calls so she sent the phone. I met her at the door and told her if that phone came into our house she would never see it again because I was going to take it and throw it into the sea. We ended up with court ordered phone access. She can call at certain times on certain days and that's it. She'd call and try to make them feel bad for having fun so last time in court SO brought that up and the judge ordered that she can't mention hers or the children's emotions when she calls. She still interrogates them when she calls but the skids are getting tired of it. They try to get off the phone and she tries her best to keep them on. They've started lying to her to get off!

It's crazy that things like phone calls and what can and can't be said have to come under court order but when the BM is selfish and nutso there isn't any choice.

Z's picture

Unfortunately, my poor kids have learned not to mention my H to their BD because they can see that it makes him angry. So when my ex was trying to find out information about our wedding, he had shot himself in the foot because the kids wouldn't talk about it. I've also struggled with him selfishly calling the kids and making them feel bad. He says it's not wrong to want the kids to think about him, but I don't know where the balance is when calling to make sure they're thinking about him makes them sad when they were otherwise very happy. For example, he has them legally on Father's Day but he chose not to take them because he said he could make a lot of money working (he's a bartender) on that day. But he called them in the morning crying and saying that he wishes they were with him and that he hopes they don't forget about him (they're 7,5 and 3 btw). I mean, come on! He can't see how selfish that is? I had wished there was a way to make him stop, but going to court seems so drastic. Has anyone used any other tactic that worked?

PoisonApples's picture

I feel for you. We tried other tactics but nothing worked. Maybe your ex is more reasonable than my skids BM?

I realized there was no chance of working it out any other way when once at collection (sd7 was 4 and sd5 was 2) SO put the skids in the car with me then walked to BM's door across the street to talk to her. I could hear them barely so I was talking to SDs to distract them. I heard SO tell BM that she was calling too much and that the calls were upsetting the children. He told her the difference was amazing, they'd be happy, laughing and singing then she'd call and they'd be sad and feeling sorry for her and feeling guilty for having fun.

That bitch walked across the street and stood at the car on the side where SD4 was. She made eye contact with the child then started whinging 'Are you telling me that my own daughter can't stand the sound of my voice? My own child doesn't want to talk to me? Is that what you are saying to me?' SD4 was VERY upset and trying to get the seat belt strap off to go to her mother.

That was the first time I realized that she really didn't give a damn about her kids at all. At the time it was the most abusive, manipulative, selfish thing I'd ever seen a mother do to her own children. It pales in comparison to the horrible things I've seen her do since but that day was a real eye opener for me.

Its a struggle's picture

Lesson learned, the phone contact is an issue and the interrogations don't work. I have to agree they do learn to start 'saying what the parent' wants to hear. I think this is the problem in my current situation. SS13 is so torn between both BM and the our family (2 half brothers) that it is easier to 'lie' than to talk about his feelings and what he really want. This was a bit both ways. We would ask if had a nice weekend rather than just leave it and BM would look for dirt and want him to trash me everytime he went to visit...'the wicked step-mum' she would even try to say that his brothers 7 and 5 were being mean to him and look for negatives in their relationship.

At 9 ask for the phone her when she arrives and then give it back when she leaves. When BM has a winge tell her to ring at a certain time so that you can have 'quality time'. I know SS doesn't want to talk to BM when she rings and I'm sure he does it too us as well especially when BM is home. He is known to ring us either early of a morning when BM and SD are in bed or not home.

lynnie's picture

Thank you guys so much for all your stories & input! I am so glad I found this site! DH is so passive & bm knows this but I think he's going to tell her that we are not going to allow the cell phone over here & that we can set up a time for sd to call her. I just don't know why bm thought this was ever going to fly. I mean we live 2 blocks from her if theres really an emergency we will call or drive over! Plus we have been just fine for the past 9 yrs. w/out sd bringing a cell phone. I have always been good to sd and so has dh. bm always has had a control issue, but I too am a bm and would never try to force myself into my ex's home by phone or other wise! and I definately will not bring up the issue of nature of the text to sd as I know that kids will say whatever bm wants to hear to be loyal. I know that bm will tell sd how horrible dh & I are for not letting her have a cell phone here, but hey we tried it for a few days and they more than took advantage of it! Its not like we took it from her as soon as she walked through the door.

Purpleflower09's picture

Take the phone away from her. Tell her it should only be used for emergencies if she wants to speak to her mother she can use the house phone. The DH should be laying these laws down. i would have her hand it over and read the texts she has been sending. If she has been sending texts of your every move then she has 2 options, she can either not come visit until she is ready to be considerate to your families privacy or when she comes there no cell phone allowed and if BM wants to contact child she does so for emergencies only...and no internet or emailing either. Its your house, your business you guys lay it down for her.

lynnie's picture

Oh bm & sd would be thrilled with the idea sd not coming to visit here! as bm already alienates sd from dh. sd is bm only child and therefore sd is spoiled. sd is not
mean or rude she just thinks the entire world revolves around her. I mean bm's husband goes to the school cafeteria to have lunch with sd at least 2-3 times a week! I think that is weird as shit! also my younger bk goes to the same school & when dh or myself see sd at the school she does not acknowledge us. I nor dh have never brought this up to sd either as we don't want to be questioning her.