Am I at fault?
Hi, I'm new here, first post. I really need some honest help and insight, and only other people who live this can understand.
I don't know how to summarize this and feel ridiculous even telling other people the whole truth. Here goes: I've been a stepmom for 6 months to two boys (11,8). SS11 has Aspergers, mild but obvious. SS8 is poorly behaved. I have 3 kids at home (18,16,12). They are extremely easy going and I don't have any issues with them. My DH also has four older kids (30, 24,22,21) from 3 previous marriages. Yes, I'm his 4th wife, he's 13 years older.
He moved into my house after we married but maintained his farm 30 minutes away. He works from an office there during the day and honestly he keeps it for his DS21 but that's another story. He pays no bills, no mortgage, nothing at my house. He does buy food on the nights he is here and does the cooking when his boys are here and mostly when he is here because he likes to decide what we're having I suppose. Anyway, since we've been married he has had now three different visitation arrangements. By his account, his exwife (mom of SS11,8) is "crazy" and irrational. She texts, emails, and calls nonstop, always in a crisis. Before marriage I told him he needed to create boundaries, limit communication,etc. She would send unnecessary comments or just chatty information, or ask for help with something or have an emotional crisis. ( He has never offered to let me read them and I have never seen them except on occasion if the phone is beside us and she is texting nonstop) DH says he knew after the honeymoon it was a mistake with her and after a couple of months he had papers drawn up and she magically got pregnant. (I won't get into the stupidity of DH for knocking her up three times resulting in SS11,8). Anyway, neither DH or BM want to parent these boys. They let SS11 play nonstop video games (Aspergers quality) and call him easy bc he just drinks soda and eats chips ( and is obese) and plays his video games or watches YouTube and doesn't cause trouble. They trash everything, leaving soda cans, chips on the floor, peeing on the toilet seat, etc. Neither knows how to tie their shoes. In the 6 months they have stayed here during visitation, neither has bathed. Or brushed their teeth. I bought toothbrushes and toothpaste for them. They can't cut up their own food at the table. They snack nonstop. Basically it's like they've been raised by wolves. It's not their fault, it's their parents. BM is constantly telling DH she "can't take it" and he feels guilty and has to rescue the boys because they have a crazy mom and he doesn't want them to have to live with her and experience that (not sure why that didn't cross his mind while he was procreating with her).
Also side note he pays $3000/month for two kids (NOT court established, he just decided on that) which covers her house payment and bills in a much more expensive part of town than I live in bc he wants them to go to a good school. Heaven forbid BM suffer or have a meltdown over having to move. It would be "bad for the boys".
So as you can see the entire thing is a ridiculous train wreck. I'm just embarrassed to be writing this. I am an educated, normal, healthy woman in a helping profession and working on my doctorate in my field. But how stupid can I be???
Several days ago DH tells me he wants longer breaks from the boys and to have an entire weekend without them. Currently he has them every other weekend and twice during the week. Also any school holiday or sick day bc he works from home and BM just got a job this year) During the week they stay here bc it is closer to their school and much more convenient than driving from his farm (which grates on me bc I feel like a conveneince to him and BM). Now he wants to change it to Friday-Tuesday, skip Wednesday, get them Thursday til Friday morning and then not get them until the next Friday and start all over again. Which sounds a lot like every other week basically. I objected and became angry that he sent BM an email with this after he knew I wasn't happy when he raised the issue. I don't have a large house ( I made a bedroom for SS11,8) out of my living room and that doubles the number of people in my house. I told him I think it's great he wants to be a good dad and spend time with his boys but they need to do it at the farm. He was so offended that he left, went to his farm, and basically hasn't spoken to me since. Two very brief texts (goodnight, goodmorning). Extremely unlike him in the 3 years we've been together. He has always every single morning and night called since the beginning and throughout the day. My point is he has basically shut me down/out. And I'm not even sure I care anymore. I was relieved he didn't even text me goodnight tonight. (because my responses to him were kind and normal and I said I love you and I don't know if I should even keep being nice. Omg this is like junior high.
Was I wrong to tell him that I don't want him and the boys to stay here Sun-Wed morning (he'd have them at his place Fri-Sat) and again Thursday afternoon until Friday school? He said he felt he and his children are unwelcome and he had no idea this was such a big problem for me and my kids and he was disappointed and disheartened. I think a period of adjustment is normal and said so. I don't even know if he's mad or hurt or feels rejected or what.
HE says he doesn't want to raise the boys. HE says he doesn't want to have them, they drive him crazy. BM says the same. So why am I the bad guy for feeling the same way and saying, "That doesn't work for me".
There is a part of me that wants to walk now. It's my opportunity. I stayed in a bad abusive marriage for 17 years the first time and I don't want to waste life like that again. My boys really like him so I'd feel bad erratically taking that away. And of course it's humiliating to end it after 6 months. But better humiliated than stupid?
On the other hand, he and I love each other and the two of us are extremely compatible. He's kind, loving, affectionate, etc. and I hesitate to bail because what it I stick it out and look back years from now and we're happy.
We aren't legally married (another story) so we don't even have to go through a legal divorce. We don't have anything shared- no accounts, nothing.
I don't know whether to text or call him. I don't feel like chasing him. I didn't do anything wrong. At least I don't think so. And that's what I'm asking.
I'm sorry it's so long! Thank you for reading. I am open to honest responses.