My marriage is in trouble
My life sucks right now. I'm married about 9 years w/ 2 ss's (19 & 17). We have 2 kids together, 6 yrs. old & 16 mos. old, and 5 mos. pregnant! I need help & advice and just someone who can relate. Since the beginning of our marriage we've always had fights over my 2 ss's. He shared custody w/ the bm but now they live w/ us & things are much worse. They don't like me or respect me, especially the younger one. He even told his father that he hates me! Husband says I deserve it. It hurts me very badly that he would say that. This is not the 1st time he's said it either. I feel that he does not put our marriage first. I'm pregnant but doesn't seem to care what I'm going through. I've lost hope for this marriage to work. He said that I have mistreated his kids over the years. I don't see how when they are so spoiled by him & the bm. I'm always the bad guy especially if I tell them to do something around the house. They said they don't feel welcome at my house but how can I be happy to see them when all they do is make my life harder. They're lazy & selfish! They don't like me and don't say it to me personally but I know they tell they're friends & bm. I dont' know what else to do. I have not been speaking w/ my husband for the last 2 days & it's becoming unbearable. I don't want a divorce so what else can I do or should do?
If they truly disliked you they would not be living with you.
Am,
I think the issue you are struggling with is your husband and that your Skids are just the topic that sheds light on your husband's problem.
Many Sparents are accused of mistreating or not caring for Skids by the BioParents. IMHO this usually has very little to do with actual mistreatment or lack of caring on the Sparent's part and nearly everything to do with parental guilt on the part of the BioParents. Setting boundaries, expecting respectful behavior from the Skids, holding them accountable for their own behavior and decisions, requiring participation in the family and the home (chores, etc...), enforcing consequences and punishments are not mistreatment. All of these things are elements of parenting.
A parent is not a "good time Charlie" a parent is a confidante, advocate, mentor and disciplinarian. If a Sparent is acting in support of these four elements of parenting then those actions are not mistreatment.
Now for the hard part. You are pregnant. You will be giving birth to another child that you and your husband will have to raise. Your Husband needs to pull his head out of his ass IMHO and gain clarity very quickly on that fact and quit stressing you out any more than you already are.
I believe if I were you (I am a Man so there is no way I have a clue of what you are experiencing right now so this is entirely rhetorical on my part) I would sit the DH, SS's and 6yo down and let all of them gain clarity on the fact that you are at the end of your rope with all of the Blended Family bullshit and let them know exactly what they will do and how they will behave for the duration of your pregnancy and some reasonable horizon after that. If they are smart they will comply immediately because I have no doubt that as a pissed of pregnant lady you can make them far more miserable than they can make you. :jawdrop:
Congrats on your pending new baby.
Good luck and best regards,
Tell him off
Hi honey, you sound really sweet and congratulations on your new baby. Rags is exactly right, that you do not seem to realize your own power in this situation. Take some time to plan what you will say, but you need to draw the line for DH.
I feel, to regain your DH's respect, you need to tell your DH that he better get his kids in line or you will. And that if he won't, you need to split up. I don't know the whole story of course but it sounds like you have to stand up to your DH or he will run over you.
If he doesn't put you first, he is not honoring his commitment he made to you, in front of God and everybody, and that is just not right of him.
I know this is easy for me to say, but it doesn't seem like it could get much worse anyway, from what you are saying! Also I would not waste one moment of your life worrying about what these kids say to anyone - remind them there are 2 sides to every story and if anyone wants to hear your side, I think you should tell them!
Hugs honey, welcome and write back, k?!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Too much of a full house
Why is SS19 living with you? Isn't he old enough to be on his own? SS17 is right around the corner.
You have too full of a house and don't need this kind of stress, especially since you are pregnant.
I think it's time to put your foot down and reclaim your home. Tell DH that SS19 needs to move, and SS17 needs to move back home with his mom.
I doubt DH will leave you over this. You have more power than you realize.
Good luck! I know it's hard.
SD has moved out! Happy days are here again!!
Don't let them railroad you!
Congratulations on your new baby! I agree with what has been said. I think that you need to have a planned discussion with DH. Know what your goal of the conversation is, and attack it with a vengence. State measurable points, and let him have it - and then draw a line. You need to be respected. There is a lot of testosterone in that home, and you need to show your purpose and your strength and place within your home. Your DH seems to have lost that along the way. I do feel that there is still hope, if the talk doesn't work, do counseling with both of you first, and then go with the kids.
I think that the priorities in your relationship need to be reset and you have to reclaim your power and confidence of the mother of the house. With all of the kids I'm sure you are just drowning, and feeling like there is no one to help...this is normal...it will get better for you.
Go Rags Go
Hey sweetie I am so sorry that you are down - you should not be feeling this way - even with you being pregnant. I gotta agree with all the posts above especially with Rags - I would tell everyone in my house the hell off. If your stepkids don't like you then tell them to get the F$$k out and go live with their BM. As a matter of fact I would just tell them to go that you can not deal with 2 adults that act like kids in your home. That is YOUR home and you have a say as to what goes on there. Your husband is not taking resposibility for those rotten stepkids of yours so he is blaming things on you - that is guilt parenting. I would be so angry I would make their lives a living hell if I was being treated like that. I suggest you start laying down the law. Tell your husband if he doesn't like it that you blame him for everything and tell HIM he can leave - let's see how he likes that!