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My marriage is in trouble

amirobi's picture

About a month ago my dh left me. We've been married over 10 yrs. We have 3 kids together, 8, 3 & 16 mos. old. I have 2 SS (21 & 19). They no longer live w/ us due to the problems we've been having. Now I know there's a lot here because 10 years is a long time. The main issue, I would say 40% of our fights are regarding the ss or my mistreatment of them. This is where I am confused. I don't verbally or physically abuse them if that's the question. The worst thing I've probably done is tolerate their presence here, ignore them thus ignore their bad habits. They are decent kids, meaning they don't curse me out in my face, they do love their sisters & brother, but living w/ them was very difficult for me. My dh says that from the beginning I have mistreated them. Now, I was never married, never had kids before I married him so I had no idea what I was getting into, much to my regret.

mommylove's picture

Wow. So he used an excuse about how you treated his 2 adult children that no longer even live with you to leave you NOW with 3 children under the age of 10?

Uh yeah, your marriage doesn't sound like it's "in trouble" sweetie - it's sounds like it's OVER!

I'm with Spunki - GOOD RIDDANCE to him! Hope he likes paying alimony and child support for THREE children who he will also have to pay at least HALF of the childcare for if you are working! He'll be lucky if he can afford to feed these kids on his visitation time - that is, of course, until he marries the next sucker who will take up his slack and play "mommmy" and parent his kids during his time so he doesn't have to!

UGH! I'm sorry - this one struck a nerve with me and I'm just having bad day today too.

The good news is maybe if he thinks having a SM for his other kids was so horrible he will refrain from getting a SM for your kids? I doubt it - most divorced men can't stand to be alone for very long. Sad

Either way, I really do hope it all works out whether you get back together with your H or not.

aggravated1's picture

I hate to say this, but it sounds like there is something else going on with him, and he is just using this as a convenient excuse to get out. I agree with Spunki

Mrs. Behavin in TX's picture

Did DH even try to give any examples how you supposedly "mistreated" these skids? It certainly seems extremely harsh, to say the least, for him to have up and left you all.... Sad

Mrs. Behavin in TX's picture

If you don't mind my asking, how serious were the other 60% of the fights? You don't have to give the details if it's too personal.

amirobi's picture

Pretty serious also. He has a small business and there are times, especially now where it's really slow so we can't pay all our bills. He feels that I'm not supportive because I say negative things like maybe you should consider getting a regular job which to him is like taking away his dreams. Now I can understand where he is coming from on this. I don't want to take that away and crush them but I get very insecure. I have been resenting him so it comes out in my way of speaking to him which is disdain & disrespectful. Those things I regret because I don't want to disrespect him. In his defense he is a very good father, which I think is why we have these issues w/ his sons. He loves them way too much. To him to love them is loving him.

amirobi's picture

Some examples of my mistreatment that he keeps coming to is 1) our very 1st Christmas 10 yrs. ago I favored my nephew by giving him a better gift than his sons. I can't even remember what it was but in my defense I said I've known my nephew longer & I do love him more, so in his eyes I didn't love them enough. 2) Every Christmas, my parents & grandmother always give my kids a lot of money while his kids do get gifts but not money. It was mistreatment because his kids were not treated the same. I come from a background where no one has any stepkids or stepgrandkids so they don't know. I felt that his kids get plenty of gifts from us & from their BM's side so I figured they'll be OK. They themselves never told me how they felt. That always came from my DH. It came to a point where I hated Christmas because of these conflicts! One holiday we did not take any gifts at all from my family, which I was fine with. No one got anything so it was all equal!
3) I'm a person who likes to have a clean house, where everybody has to pitch in. I grew up that way. So when it comes to that I often asked them to clean up, like wash the dishes, take out the garbage, clean the br that they use! I see nothing wrong w/ that but they are so lazy that I always ended up frustrated & felt not heard! They're father will tell them to do it after I've complained to him about it so now I am negative towards his kids! I can never win! It got to a point where I just didn't want them in the house. I could not make them feel welcome! Which to my dh is mistreatment! Is it really me at fault or is he to blame or both? Everytime we fought about these things the more I withdrew from his kids & started resenting them & him.

He left because of all the fights in the 10 yrs. together. See my other comments. Thanks for taking the time to read my problems. I do want to get back w/ him but I have doubts that this thing w/ his kids will get fixed, therefore we may never get back together again.

purpledaisies's picture

I don;t see anything wrong with what you did at all. I mean I don't buy my skids that many gifts at christmas. I buy for my kids and dh buys for his, I might get his boys somehting from me and he might get my kids somehting from him. Before we started doing this I resented how much his kids got and they got 2 christmas's and birthdays were as mine only got one. But after we did it dh is responsible for getting his kids there gifts he started to get them a lot less than we did before. I also decided that while his kids were at their moms getting gifts from her my kids were getting gifts from their mom, me! There is nothing wrong with that at all why should his kids be the only ones that are allowed to get gifts form their mom and mine aren't? I still think he is using this as excuses to leave.

purpledaisies's picture

I haven't read the replies but I am taking this as an excuse. I mean think about it why would he leave you and give the reason that you mistreated his children when they are grown? I mean if you are as bad as he says why would he not have left while his kids were young?

amirobi's picture

There are other reasons besides his kids. He did love me & tried to work it out. We have 3 other kids so it's tough to just walk away. The straw that broke the camel's back was me trying to take away his dreams of having a successful business.

Mrs. Behavin in TX's picture

There is a book out that I have heard is really helpful from other women in similar situations so I thought I would pass the info on. It's called "Stepcoupling" by Susan Wisdom.

There's also a free book to download on the website: http://www.stepcoupling.com/

I haven't read it, but I have heard good things. Here is an excerpt from the description of it that seems to describe some of your situation:

Is your stepfamily tearing the two of you apart?

You can have a solid marriage – and an enjoyable family life. But, to do that, you have to understand the most important relationship in a stepfamily: the stepcouple.

“Stepcouple” means the adults in a marriage (or committed relationship) that includes children from previous relationships. Stepfamily stability and success depend on the quality and strength of the stepcouple.

Nobody ever told you it would be this hard. You expected the Brady Bunch – but you’re fighting all the time. Whether you’re arguing openly or freezing each other out, your home is a minefield of conflict.

The magical feelings of love and tenderness that propelled you into each others’ arms and down the aisle seem to have evaporated.

And, truth be told, you’re wondering if you made a big mistake.

You’ve tried everything you already know to do. But nothing worked.

What you didn’t understand is that stepfamilies are fundamentally different from nuclear families. Stepfamilies face challenges you couldn’t begin to imagine before you were in one.
In order to be successful, you have to understand the most important relationship in a stepfamily: the stepcouple.

amirobi's picture

Thank you so much. I will definitely look into it. Have you heard about the book "Stepmonster"? I ordered it a couple of days ago. Hopefully my dh will be open to reading it himself. Read a lot of great reviews on this book.

Mrs. Behavin in TX's picture

Yes, I heard that one was really good! You'll have to let me know if you like it too.

lavada_129's picture

My thing is if your husband felt that way why didn't he pull you to the side to see the problem is and to try to correct it instead of ending it years later. Something is wrong.