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Smoking and Skids? Anyone?

StepLady's picture

I take care of my diet and I exercise regularly, I care for my health, but I am a smoker. I know it is not healthy but it is just what I have done for years. I smoke out of doors only! Even if I go somewhere I am permitted to do so indoors I do not do it around any kids. My DH hates it always has, but knew I did it when we met. I am from a country where it is more accepted to smoke than here. I have quit when I was pregnant, my ex was a smoker too. He quit when I was pregnant and never started back up, good on him. But I started back up during my divorce from him. I have quit one thousand times or more. BMs both know I smoke, kids have eyes and ears, they know I do it. BM1 tells me all the time to quit, I just tell her I know and I will someday. She knows I do not smoke in the home. Her issue is the examples for kids and the health effects to myself, tells me all the time, DH had a heart attack and it hurt the kids to see him like that, do I want to be next etc. I get it. BM2 complains that her kids both use inhalers, true. But they are also both obese for their height and age etc. Their doctors have said they are obese. They do not like to work or move and they eat junk all the time in their home. She complains all the time that the kids stink like smoke when they return from our care. I do not believe it. My DH does not smoke and he swears they do not smell nor does my home. I have a spot in the back yard I go to, it has a an outdoor gas fire place for warmth. I turn it on, smoke and talk on phone. Who should care? My dd knows I smoke and it is bad etc. BM2 who I do NOT speak to at all, DH has emails only with her, complains I am bad mother to my dd, bad example to her kids and am endangering her kids by smoking even out of doors at our house. My dd's dr knows I smoke outside and is fine with it but does say quit. DH tells me to quit and also complains I smoke way more than normal when all kids are here.....really? Wonder why that could be??? You get what I am referencing I am sure of it. We are due back in court this winter, DH wants custody of BM2 kids, will this hurt or help or what? We know BM2 used to smoke in doors when kids were younger but has quit. When I come in I wash my hands, and take my coat off and put it in my own coat closet in great room. During summer the younger kids (BM2 kids and my dd) are forced to go out with me most of the day while DH works, if we are at home for the day, then the kids swim, get some fresh air and use bikes, power wheel cars, scooters, chalk, bubbles. I do smoke in front of them. I am old enough to do so and my dr and my own mom knows is what I tell them. I tell them I will quit and it is bad for me etc and the best way to stop is NEVER start etc. Anyone else hear about smoking from BMS? Anyone had it brought up in court? By they BM2 stinks like poop and food and sweat and so do her two kids, it is documented by sources other than us as well. Isnt smelling like shit worse? And more socially gross? Advice please! And not just "quit now" I already get that! Thank you! :O

StepLady's picture

Forgot to add, have never ever smoked in my cars or anyone elses since having DD or meeting my DH. So that is not an issue for my skids health either. Thank you.

Indigo's picture

I'm no help, but I hear you. Ex-smoker, here.

Quit last year at 50 yrs of age, after smoking for most of my life. Just laid it down. Started at 18, start/stop for years at a time, then someone would die or whatever and I'd start smoking again. I was a smoker who hated the smell of smoke, so I smoked outside.

Obviously through the years of divorce and rediscovery, DS was around when I smoked in the garage, in the backyard, on the porch. I understand the role-model comments, but I will counter that generations of healthy, successful people were raised with parents who smoked. In addition, I live in a state where marijuana is legal and truly, pot affects behaviour more than tobacco does !

Aside, SGD arrives reeking of smoke. I noticed it even when I smoked. Her folks smoke in the house. Several adults, several packs a day. Clean clothes in her closet pull out smelling of smoke. That's just her house, but it makes me want to strip her down. throw her in the shower while I wash her clothes. Funny how offended I can get even though I am an ex-smoker.

Tobacco is legal. Just as I acknowledge the glass of wine at my elbow, you acknowledge the cigarette in your hand. So be it.

BTW: I do remember the hours spent outside with the requisite glass of wine, cigarette and girl-talk. I still have 2 out of the 3 and I really don't much notice the lack of a cigarette.

SecondGeneration's picture

It shouldnt hold much weight in court on the custody unless they are looking for petty excuses.

I am not a smoker, never tried, but my partner is. He gets people lecture him over quitting but I dont go there, to me he was a smoker when we met it would be wrong for me to demand he quit. A smoker will only ever succeed at quitting if THEY want to quit.
I dont see much wrong with you smoking outside down the garden. We have a covered over area outside the kitchen, its like a conservatory just not as nice lol. My partner smoked in the doorway there outside.
What did annoy me is that he would smoke before we left to go somewhere then want to smoke whilst we are walking on the way, with SD4 walking with us! He doesnt do that anymore to be fair.

end of the day, a persons life choices in their day to day life be it smoking or whether they choose to wash their dishes daily or weekly is no ones business unless its causing someone else harm.

PolyMom's picture

You can never really count on anything in the court system. It all depends on the baggage of the judge and lawyers if they feel it's noteworthy or not. For example, if the judge is a smoker and has kids, it's gonna make BM look like an ass trying to demonize you for it...on the other hand, you could have a health nut that thinks even letting children know that you smoke is as bad as exposing them to pornography. I understand addiction is difficult to overcome, but it sounds like you are doing what you can to avoid coming in contact with the kids. I have an allergy to animals, and while not smoking...I think the point is similar....sometimes, no matter how clean, and careful you are, to a non-smoker (or to one with an allergy) you're going to notice it if it's there, and it's off-putting. I think it sucks that it would be a contention in a custody battle, but it sounds like BM1 at least is coming from a place where she's concerned about your that's nice.

Good luck!

PolyMom's picture

Tog, I wish I had you on speed dial for when our custody issues give me anxiety Wink

PolyMom's picture

Ours is awesome: DH is taking the kids to COURT ORDERED therapy. The therapist said the boys should live with us, so BM has done everything to alienate and deny the kids are supposed to go to her, or that they even go to her. So she's suing HIM for full custody because he's not including her in this court ordered therapy, that she's completely rejected. She flat out said in her OSC things the judge said, that he never said. Her lack of sanity has clearly been revealed. The question is whether the judge is going to deem it enough to take custody from her. After her lawyer called in sick this last time, putting us off since last April, I've decided I'm only going if I have to sit on the witness stand and answer questions. I'm all done too.