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Seeking Suggestions for Peace....(Or at least something like it....)

AtMyWitsEndNY's picture


I'm at a complete loss and was hoping that if I tell my story, I'd get some useful advice.

I'm engaged to a man that has 2 daugther's (ages 4 and 6). We have 1 son together (7 months old) and a baby on the way!

My fiance's ex-wife is causing so my grief in our lives. First of all, after 3 years of divorce, she texts/calls my fiance everyday to either lay a guilt trip on him, put him down, or demand something from him. The latest saga is that Social Services caught wind of the fact that she has additional income coming in and they told her that they will no longer provide supports to her for her apartment or day care. Hence, my fiance was served papers by her to appear in court for more $.

Aside from that, she's out in the bars around town every single weekend and natrually, my fiance worries about who is taking care of the children. So, weekends he has with me and his son alone, I can tell he's preoccupied with worry...

Aside from that, she's been intensely reaching out to his family and making plans with them, sending them photos and texts... She's claimed to them that she's "ready to find jesus" (his family are born again Christian's and take religion very seriously) and wants them to help her... She complains to them about my fiance, me, etc. I don't know how you can seek Jesus while you're shaking you're ass in the bars each weekend but whatever...

All of this has drawn a huge wedge between my fiance's family and me. I don't want to be around them and feel they're "favoring" his ex. I feel completely disrespected by them. I don't care what their religious beliefs are, loyalty is loyalty and my fiance is their son, brother, cousin....

She's turned the kids into manipulative, needy little imps just as herself...

This past weekend, my fiance's daugther came into my bedroom and said that she "cried for her Daddy all last week because she saw her Mommy and Daddy have a fight" (when he was served court papers). She said she didn't like the way her Mother yelled at her Father.

Then she said that she went to the mall with her Mom because she needed new clothes "to go out in". I asked her if her Mom goes out a lot and she said "Yes, and I ask her why she has to always go out and she says because she does sooooooooooo much for us, she needs time for herself." Real nice, right?

Then she said while they were parked at a red light, her Mom and her Moms girlfriends were dancing and running around their cars and lifting of their shirts and singing and "the cops didn't come this time". Can you guys even imagine? We are talking about a 28 year old woman...

I find that because I'm disgusted and have so much hate for my fiance's ex, I feel the same about his daugthers. Is this normal?

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm uncomfortable in my home whenever they're around. I'm resentful to my fiance for showing them so much love and attention.


asheeha's picture

i agree with all that ripley said and i highly suggest you read that book. it may give you comfort knowing you aren't alone and your feelings are normal.

have you consulted a lawyer about what she's doing? i would see if you would be able to get custody or more custody, if that is something you would even be open too. but even having a good, competent lawyer on your side is enormously comforting.

i would also suggest you try to understand that even if his girls are little mini me's of the bm that your so needs to love them and love them well. try not to be jealous of that, look at it the way you love your son. if there is something unhealthy in the way that he gives them attention then that should be addressed. but if it's really just a healthy love then they need that from him.

it's hard, no doubt! and it was really hard the first couple years...i had to get used to a new normal, but my dh is worth it and that's what pulled me through the tough parts! that and the ladies here of course! Smile

fruststepmama's picture

I'm in a remarkably similar situation, except that we're 7-years-post my DH's divorce and a dozen court dates later and she's still using her kid to try to make DH feel like a bad parent, texting orders to us, and 'connecting spiritually' with DH's abusive father. i hate her. I really do. And i sometimes feel weird towards her kid because i see my SS acting like her. She's selfish and incredibly childish, but we've all accepted that she wont change. You have to set boundaries on your end to manage the situation. Tell your DH to stop giving her attention--stop answering her calls every day, screen the calls to make sure they're not urgent and then just don't call back. Have him set up a time once a week every week to talk about scheduling. Ween her off the attention. As far as the other behavior, if she's really acting like an unsuitable parent, you can report her to child services.