What to do about mutual friends of the ex
Okay here is the scenario. BM's bestfriend (lets call her Tammy) introduced me to my fiance'. I know it is wierd but it was okay for a while until BM and fiance' started disagreeing more about the kids and 'compromise' lost it's meaning.
BM, my fiance, Tammy and her husband were all highschool bestfriends. The two couples lived together and they are the godparents to my fiance's children.
I also became friends with Tammy and her husband.
Over the past year, BM has had significant changes in her life and is now hanging out with Tammy almost on a regular basis. The issue is now this couple that was once friends with us is being distant.
BM lives in the same town as us and they live in another city. I am always hearing about them coming to our town (via kids)but Tammy claims that their work schedule has been busy and has declined offers to visit with us. I feel like their avoiding us and also with the e-mails that BM has sent I get a sense that she is talking badly about us too.
My fiance' e-mailed Tammy to inquire about why things are so akward but she claims thats it is little to do with her BF. She agains blames her husband's work schedule. She also stated that she feels like she can't bring up her BF around us (why would she need to?) and has very few memories of my fiance' and I as a couple. Tammy states that the majority of her memories are of her BF and my fiance' as a couple.
What does everyone think? I don't feel like she is being truthful. I also think that all the drama with BM that has happened lately is affecting her decision to even talk to us. She has only sent e-mails.
In a divorce....
The friends are divided just like the personal property (in my own experience and views). The people who were friends of both of the them feel awkward and ill at ease. Most of the time the "new divorcee" or "new couple" find new friends and interests. No, its not fair or right, but who ever said life was fair?
Kevin
I think
that it is difficult for them to remain friends with both of us and the way things are going with BM is only making it worse. My fiance' is still giving them the benefit of the doubt that they can remain neutral but I don't think that is possible.
Two summers ago, Tammy was keeping BM secret of violence in the home with her current husband. My fiance's children had witnessed it and at one point when no one could get a hold of BM, Tammy thought she had been killed. It was only then that Tammy's husband broke her secret to BM and told us how bad things were. BM had only told fiance' that she and her husband were fighting. She never mentioned any threats nor did she say anything about the kids being present during this.
It's things like this that make me think Tammy has already picked her side and doesn't want to admit that she can't be friends with us.
choices
She made her decision so I would let it go. She has disengaged and it is the best thing for you. If she isn't hanging around your house she can't be running over to BM and telling tales about what is going on in your house.
I totally agree...
I would just accept that things can't be the same and move on. Always be cordial, but it does sound like she is disengaging, and it probably is the best thing for your marriage.
You never know, maybe bm is using her to try to spy on you and that is why she is making herself unavailable to visit you. That way she can't get caught in the middle.
Candice
I wish it were more simple
My fiance' is a man (sorry to offend anyone with this) and does not see that all of this is not just coincidental. Personally, I don't think I could be friends with someone who does not like my BF. And, I sure as hell would not be talking to them if my BF hated them too. I think it is naive to think that Tammy is really not choosing sides. If her BF is trash talkin' my fiance' or myself, she is going to have judgements made. I am ready to write her off and chuck it up to Tammy not being able to remain friends with both of us b/c of her loyalties to her BF. Which, does not make her a bad person but just loyal to her friend. My fiance', however, doesn't consider them his 'bestfriends' anymore nor does he really trust Tammy but is not ready to write them off either. I just don't want them to come to our home and try to ease the akwardness between us while still pretending that the lack of contact is due to 'busy work schedules'. I told my fiance', I don't have a problem confronting Tammy about what I really think is going on especially if they want to truly try to remain friends with BM and my fiance'.
Brush them off ...
Who cares? I'm sure you have other friends. What is your fiance going to do, confront them and MAKE them be your friends?
I agree with you -- let it go for now, and allow them to make the first move in the future. If they don't, oh well -- just be polite when you run into them and know not to tell them anything you don't want to get back to the BM.
I encountered a similar problem with my DH's former friends, but the awkwardness was solely on my side. During a function to which they invited me and my DH, they snickered at me behind my back but within my hearing -- it was very strange, actually, considering I'm an educated and attractive woman. It really threw me for a loop, until I realized they were still her friends, not his. It took him a couple of weeks afterward to see that. I was very, very hurt that he put me in that type of situation, but I realize he couldn't have foreseen that happening!
thanks for the advice
It doesn't hurt me too much if I am no longer friends with them b/c I don't run into them anyways. It only hurts me b/c my fiance' really loves these guys and they have been in his life for so long. He hasn't kept in touch with anyone he grew up with and I think that this is partially ex's fault. She was so jealous of anyone he was friends with. I think she probably drove off any other friendships he had formed prior to their marriage because she doesn't get along with anyone.
Like I said, I can't be friends with someone I do not trust and I don't trust her anymore.
Let him reach out...
and have his own hand bitten. If your fiance is the one initiating the contact, invitations, etc. for awhile and gets turned down repeatedly instead of you via email, he'll get the picture or at least start asking questions himself. IMHO.
Blueberry's Baby
This happened to me
my dh and I have friends that were a couple and we did everything with this other couple. Two years ago, they decided to end their relationship (they weren't married). Since then it has been very hard on me especially.
My dh is bestfriends with the bf, and I am bestfriends with the gf. So when we want to entertain or go on a group trip, whatever, we have to coordinate who we invite. It sucks b/c my gf was really hurt over him, and he is really insensitive. I don't think they meant to hurt anyone in the picture, but their breakup has been really hard on me and my dh.
Seeing them with other people is really hard too. I find myself wanting to be loyal to my gf, so I have to try really hard not to ward off the new gf, and vice versa. It's just hard...
Perhaps there are too many fond memories they have of all four of them, and now things are just not the same. It's not you, it's just the memories.
Good luck,
Candice