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Sd 14 big time cry baby ... again

stepmominhiding's picture

Sd14 and dd15 decided they were going to bake the cake that dh had bought cake mix and icing for.  When sd was icing the cake she missed a few spots that dd pointed it,  and sd still had half a tub of icing. So sd went back and tried to fix it. Dd mentioned there was sull a fw spots without icing, and she didn't mind taking care of it since sd was having trouble.  Well this caused sd to run off and cry.  DH asked what wad the matter.  Sd went off crying anout how dd was picking on her and was angry anout how she apparently couldn't ice the cake right.  DH cut her off and said he could hear the entire conversation and that sd was getting upset over nothing.  This caused sd toi flip out and cry even harder. 

 

As she was crying hysterically over DH calling her out, she went off on a tangent over how I was angry with her over having acid reflux. And how DH told her that if she talked anout things that happen here that he would take BM to  court, etc etc. These conversations happened, but not the way she's making them out.  I was making spaghetti for dinner and sd mentioned she had acid reflux.  I literally made a statement that she also had acid reflux the week before.  Not meaning anything other than she had it before as well.  Thinking outloud to make a mental note not to make tomato items when sd comes.  DH told her once that if she keeps telling BM lies about or house that BM may try to take him to court, and he would fight her in court... that she may want toi really think about what she tells BM, especially the lies.  

This conversation went on for over 30 min and sd kept spewing accusations left and right,  I got so tired of everyone feeling like they had to defend themselves over sd's accusations. 

 

I really hate weekends with sd.... they are so stressful.  This month we have her fir almost every weekend,  then next month we have her the entire 30 days (minus a weekend). Life is so much less stressful without her.  When its just me dh and my 2 dds there is  sooooo much less stress. 

tog redux's picture

Alienated kids suck to be around. On the one hand, you can see how they are being manipulated and damaged, but on the other, they are annoying and destructive in your home.

There will come a tipping point, after which she will refuse to come over all, that's usually how it happens.

stepmominhiding's picture

DH figures if she doesn't want to stop coming over before she's 18, that once she's grown and out of the house completely she'll end up phasing us out of her life.

tog redux's picture

Not all alienated kids cut off contact entirely. And many resume a relationship once they get older and get away from the constant influence of the alienating parent. 

Some alienators really want to cut the other parent out entirely, and others just want to use the kids to maintain control over the ex - BM in your situation sounds like the latter.

It was so hard to be around SS knowing that BM was the cause of his emotional issues and not be able to do anything about it.

stepmominhiding's picture

She LOVES controlling or home.  When we moved in to our home BM told us that we'r needed pictures on our wall id the kids. She told us where we'r needed to go for ther pictures and gave DH a coupon that she had DH believe that only she could get because she had a connection at this place.  The coupon is readily available to anyone that visits the website.... She also tried to convince DH to convince me to go work with her.... I HAD a job! I was working at this place for 8yrs, why would I leave to go work with BM? No thanks.  She's 100% controlling she's 100% narcissistic personality disorder (not diagnosed, but I would be surprised if she didnt actually have this disorder).

tog redux's picture

Yes, so alienating SD is just another way to have power over DH. Look ex-DH, I can take away what little time you have with her.  See how powerful I am? I'm the boss, not you. I have control.

BM here did/does the same thing. She used to do it over custody orders, now it's just a CS order, and she does it with that. Always trying to get DH to give her money he doesn't owe her and threatening him with court.

SD is going to remain confused and enmeshed until adulthood, but it's unlikely DH will lose her entirely. I bet she stops coming over though.  BM is obviously pressuring her that way.

RisingtheWave80's picture

That is where we are at right now, its been 1 month since she has been in our home (so much less stress) but not fun for DH

lorlors's picture

SD here is a lying and manipulative weasel who loved the attention she got from mummy by passing information back in regards to what went on in our house. 

The only thing you can do in my opinion is disengage and give it no oxygen at all. I sympathise, as it is very stressful having someone like that in your home.

stepmominhiding's picture

I tried, but messed up by acknowledging her acid reflux, and again when she started accusing me of being mean to her. I cought myself when I realized I should not be reacting to her accusations.  I ignored the whole cake thing,  but I was in the living room that is connected to the kitchen so I still heard everything going on, DH was  right there and interjected himself in that situation, which was a plus, but I honestly have no idea if it will help or not. Half the time I think he deals with it alright, half the time he ends up giving in to what she wants.  I think you're right with her wanting the attention, which it's not as if she lacks.  He spends a lot of one on one with her, BM does as well.  They do special things all the time (according to sd).  So I really don't know,  sometimes I feel bad for sd, like tog stated, I know her mom uses her as a pawn. But it totally disrupts our home.

I used to enjoy our summers, I would have huge plans all summer to keep it fun in hopes to bond us all as a family unit.  We all tie dyed shirts, we all planted a garden, we all spent endless amounts of time at the park,  at the pool, on vacation, I would read stories to them all, we went to the drive in movies, we made our own drive in movies (used projector and put the movie on our garage door), invited friends over to come and watch. But it all seems wasted, that she now either doesn't remember any of what we did, or has bad memories of it. Like her hands got stained, that she hates dirt, the movie sucked, etc etc. 

So now I really just try to ignore her when she's here, I'd I have to engage with her it's completely minimal.  I am definitely over trying to make her happy and trying to blend our family. She's definitely BMs kid with DHs face. It's more and more like SD is BMs spy in our home.  I try to not give her ANY information that I don't want BM to have. 

strugglingSM's picture

Both of my SSs do this to a degree. They are also both alienated.

For example, one was beating the other one up. DH grabbed them and pulled them apart and yelled at the one who was beating the other. This SS texted BM, “dad yelled in my face over nothing. I want to come home!” Leading BM to text DH “SS is always upset when he’s with you. He doesn’t feel comfortable around you. I want to come over and take him home early.” 

Then more recently that same SS called DH to ask if BM could do something during DH’s weekend that would interrupt his time. DH told him no, he (DH) would take care of it. SS persisted and then started to cry. DH said, “I need to go now. Good-bye.” SS told BM “Dad hung up on me.” BM asked why and he said, “I don’t know. I guess he didn’t want to talk to me.”

I think all kids are manipulative, but when their manipulation is actively encouraged by one parent, it creates a child that no one wants to be around. Parents who alienate to maintain control are showing their children through their actions that manipulation is a valid approach to life, which makes their children miserable to be around.

tog redux's picture

Yes. My SS is 19 now and has been back from alienation for almost a year (he was almost completely alienated for over 3 years). He's a polite and respectful kid - who lies his face off.  I don't believe anything he says without proof, NOTHING.  He's lied and manipulated so much that unless I have physical proof of what he's saying, I'm skeptical. If I asked him the time, I'd check another clock.

 

 

MurphysLaw's picture

This child sounds insane. Like, she seriously has a screw loose.

I cannot imagine her being able to function in the world, anytime anyone sneezes she’ll accuse them of trying to infect her with a deadly disease.

She will undoubtedly treat her future SO like this as well, which will lead to her being alone …sad

stepmominhiding's picture

She is so messed up.  I really think something is not right about her. She's never expressed any guilty feelings. Shes never felt remorse (or expressed that she had). She only gets her feelings "hurt". Which I really think is BS. I think her hurt "feelings" are her ploy for attention. 

stepmominhiding's picture

I used top think she was pased. then I thought she wasn't, that she was just a brat. Now I'm beginning to think I was right from the beginning. I believE that her mother is PASing her, but I have no solid evidence other than her behavior. 

shamds's picture

The 2 sds aged 14 & 23 were kidnapped by bio mum 6 yrs ago on the premise and accusation hubby had converted out of their religion and had become a christian and she had to protect them. When she found out he was dating a caucasian woman she reminded the daughters she was right

during the divorce she said she couldn’t be bothered to care for 3 kids so court asked their son then aged 12 who he wanted to live with and he said his dad as he didn’t want him to be alone. Hubby got sole custody of the son mum of the girls but weekends hubby got his daughters

when bio mum kidnapped them she abandoned contact with their son, mainly over the fact he chose his dad except he didn’t have a choice because bio mum already said she didn’t want him but because he chose dad he was just as bad as daddy.

mid last year the girls re-initiated contact. Apparently they’re so dumb to believe bio mum is a changed woman and wants the past behind her and she’ll die any moment from a mystery illness no dr or scan can diagnose. She claims she wants her 3 kids and my 2 (their half siblings) to be one big happy family united together.

except thats not possible when bio mum and stepdad ban them seeing their dad, refuse the daughters to spend time with him on the premise its too far except eldest sd is allowed to drive the same distance for bio mum and stepdad no problems. The ridiculous thing is stepdad is a policeman and knows very well about the law yet he actively has banned the girls having contact with their bio dad. He is a part of the problem too

there is no relationship really to begin with, they actively don’t want a contact with their dad but yet want the privileges and benefits of having him and guilting him into a glorified atm. Meanwhile our 2 kids who are toddlers endlessly love heir dad to bits and shower him with affection unconditionally yet skids attention is temporarily bought by treats out at fancy restaurants and getting money from dadddeee.

bio mum tried to cover her arse when sd’s realised the inconsistencies in the bullshit she spun but because they are so brainwashed they believe she genuinely changed and despite her lies tell their dad that m the allegations bio mum made must be true because she said it.

bio mum and stepdad see witch drs and her family actively do black magic (a sort of voodoo to harm people), even broke into the home hubby bought for the kids to live in after he divorce as bio mum is too cheapskate, they dumped dead cats and candles and knives there... 

so everytime hubby tries to coax me into one big happy  family time with stepkids, i remind him they are strangers, they remind him constantly that we are strangers and tell him that, they exclude us, constantly go on and on about bio mum and stepdad trying to show they are relevant in our lives when they are not, the girls are in contact with this crazy family who actively try to harm and hurt others, what sane parent wants their kids in that environment so if my hubby wants to be in denial and not lay down the facts so be it but i will not be roped into quality family time or one big happy family time with them

Isthisit19's picture

Disengage. Don’t cook for her if it’s a problem, let your husband deal with her and her issues. Not your kid not your problem x 

NoThanks's picture

I’m a little late to this thread but your SD sounds a lot like my ex SD; even down to the weight issues, which I see as a physical manifestation of overindulgence. Its hard to genuinely enjoy being around them when you never know when the next drama sessions going to take place. We could go from laughing and relaxing to tears and tantrums in a matter of minutes. And it was always because she was told no or called out for doing something bad. And atop of the drama, she was feral/unsanitary as hell. Shoes on the counter and couch, food on her face and clothes, visibly dirty hands, poop & blood messes in the bathroom, always sick. It was anxiety inducing and so unfair to the rest of the family. 

stepmominhiding's picture

OMG, YES! And that's exactly how I see her weight issue.  Its not the fact that she's over weight that I find fault with,  it's the fact that it's physical manifestation of her over indulgence.  It's like you look up over indulgence on the internet and if you go to pictures you'll see a picture of SD. She's just been getting bigger and bigger over the years.  

NoThanks's picture

Yes! 12yo, 5ft tall and at least 180lbs. Both parents knew she was obese but turned a blind eye. They’d rather sign her up for a 100 extra curricular activities (none of which involve physical exertion) so she can feel so special and talented. Ex SO put a treadmill in the living room but never made her walk on it, never removed junk from the house.  I think it was his way of feeling like he tried. I’m not even sure if exSD realized she was legitimately overweight. And if not, all good, let her live in blissful ignorance. But her parents sure as hell knew and did nothing. I seriously lost so much respect for my ex. Total turn-off.  

stepmominhiding's picture

It's getting there for me with DH. When I stepped in (when i felt like as a step parent i was supposed to be a parent to sd)  i had helped her lose weight. I cooked huge breakfasts lunch and dinner full of fresh good food (she was with us for 2 wks on 2 weeks off in the summer)  and she lost so much weight. But then she started complaining about how all of a sudden she didn't like booked eggs (ie no buttery taste) she was allergic to mangoes (LIE), she didn't like oatmeal,  it was too mushy, the lists went on and on, then she was "full" after just a few bites.... I think she was sneaking food into our house,  because all of a sudden she started gaining weight again.  I was making huge meals and she was losing eight,  she never went hungry, but she wad losing 5lbs a wk.  But since they weren't all fried or drowned in creamy sauces,  she didn't like them. DH wasn't making any effort in helping her lose weight. It was something that was all me. Thankfully I figured out I wasn't supposed to be her parent, she already had 2.

Lndsy747's picture

I'd bet that she told her mom you were helping her and it was working and her mom sabotaged it by talking crap.

I've had this happen a few times with activities I was doing with SD and suddenly she'd do a 180. I know kids can be wishy washy and change their minds but I know that there was more to it with my SD.

Rags's picture

There is a reason why for countless years the "Get over here and I will give you something to cry about!" method has worked in dealing with cry babies.

Bullshit crying is so annoying that it makes me grind my teeth.  And... motivates me to give the cry baby something to actually cry about.

This is a teaching moment. The crybaby needs to be taught that there has to be something to cry about for crying to be tolerated.   

So... give her something to cry about and she will learn what is cry worthy and what is maniplative avoidance bullshit.

NoThanks's picture

I never saw ex skids eat veggies. Ever. Ex SO said they didn’t like them and refused to eat them. So he just didn’t buy any. Okay, so the kids are calling the shots then? And the part of the plate that should be veggies is now filled with extra starch and meat. Good job Dad.

Good for you for disengaging though. No need to drive yourself crazy trying to help skids who’s own parents don’t care enough to help. 

Rags's picture

Purge the starch and sugars, serve protein and green veg.

Carbs are little more than brain crack in dietary form.

And... they make a person fat.

It took me a while but .... as a 38+ year T-1 diabetic I have learned that blood glucose normalization can't happen without minimizing carb intake.

NoThanks's picture

Exactly! Or serve a large portion of veggies first, then protein so their belly is mostly full and there’s less room for starches. But with these skids, that would trigger a tantrum. Then lazy parenting takes over and tantruming skid is now getting double portions of starch and ice cream after because her fee fees are hurt.