DH and BM had a fight
DH and BM had a fight about SS4 being on medication. She thinks he has chronic acid reflux, we don't. She gives him the medicine, we don't. Anyway, they got into a heated disagreement. The next day, DH comes home with SS and he is on the phone with his mother. He refuses to get off the phone and starts hysterically crying, which is just amo for BM. DH finally gets him off the phone and he refuses to eat my dinner bc I didn't cook it good enough for him. WHATEVER! Shortly after, he starts crying again bc we won't give him a snack. He then cries more and says he wants to call his mother. I told DH no. He is trying to manipulate the situation and make us look like assholes to BM. He wanted to tell her that his belly was growling and we won't feed him. I knew this was going to happen after their fight. BM trashed DH to SS all night I'm sure which is making him extra attached to his mother. This was really my first sight into the future with regards to the manipulation that will occur. I think DH was mad at me for telling him not to let SS call BM BUT he needs to open his eyes here. She will be the first one to file a court action against him bc SS called saying he was hungry. She wouldn't say "well maybe you should have eaten your dinner". BM is a rotten bitch and considering SS is only 4, I can only assume things will get waaaay worse.
Sorry you have such a PITA
Sorry you have such a PITA bio mom to deal with. I also feel for the boy , who is being manipulated. I don't know about you "telling you DH no", though. Maybe discuss it, maybe tell him your reasoning or preference, but partners should not really nix one another. It may end up backfiring, if Dh starts to (mistakenly) see you as the problem when dealing with his previous family. I wish your DH knew that letting him call mom like that isn't really helping, but unless he understands that, your telling him "no" will just be resented.
Maybe counseling could help your DH understand how not to give in to that.
I completely agree that DH
I completely agree that DH will hold it against me but in the moment, watching it happen, I couldn't help myself. SS tried to sit down at the dinner table talking to his BM. I'm sorry but when I'm trying to enjoy dinner with my family, I don't want her there in any way! I tell DH all the time the only one who will suffer is SS but she won't see it that way. She doesn't know how to parent. She will allow SS to call DH when he is upset or in trouble. I feel like that is scapegoating almost. You gave him a punishment and now he wants to cry about it to his dad...what is dad supposed to do/say exactly? He isn't there, doesn't know what happened and can't comfort in anyway. I guarantee that BM told SS to call her if we do this, that or the next and she will "save him".He gets plenty of love and attention from DH and I don't want BM to think otherwise. BM told DH that she has no respect for him bc he doesn't just agree with whatever she says. It's hard to imagine living my life with her in it. I've read other posters complain about older skids and I know that is what I am in for here bc of her.
I know how it is in the
I know how it is in the moment...
Maybe your Dh and you could sit down after this blows over and just discuss the best way to handle this. Maybe he needs to hear it, read it from someone other than you. Sometimes they can't hear it from us because it just sounds like we have vested interest, no matter how logical what we say is.
As far as BM, it sounds like she is trying to overcompensate out of guilt or something.
My advice is to let DH hang
My advice is to let DH hang himself with his own rope.
This happened with GG in the early years. The skids would beer bong the PAS that the Behemoth spewed night and day.
Then GG would "take the high road" (TM) and give the Behemoth the "benefit of the doubt" (TM) until the next thing we knew, CPS was at our door.
In my case the Behemoth WORKS for CPS as a caseworker/foster care worker and knew how to ring all the bells and blow all the whistles.
She used her influence to put GG on the NYS Child Abuse and Maltreatment Regstry without sending us the copy of the report (clerical error, doncha know. . .yeah, right!)
Took me SIX MONTHS to overturn the report to "unfounded." The skids admitted to us that they "lied to make mommy happy" and tried to make "dad look like a monster."
I've found through this whole hellish experience of over eight years now, that you can't make these stubborn guilty daddies open up their eyes to the PAS and manipulation. They have to FEEL it for themselves. No matter HOW many times I tried to advice GG, *I* was the "bad guy."
Then when things went terribly wrong b/c he REFUSED to see all the manipulation going on right under his nose, well I had to bite my tongue from saying "told ya so."
Has the kid been to the
Has the kid been to the doctor????
And why are you telling your DH how to handle his kid?? (I imagine if I "told" my DH what to do, he'd look at me like I'd lost it.
)
Yes, he has been to the Dr.
Yes, he has been to the Dr. DH was not told about the appt or about any spurts of acid reflux. He has never had a symptom here. We honestly believe if he is showing symptoms with her, then it is greatly caused by his diet at her house. My DH parents all of the children here. I may not always agree with him but he does. So if he is aloud to say what happens in this house, why can't I tell him not to give in to this manipulation? It would be a double standard, don't you think? I don't want my home controlled by BM and her antics. Do you mean to tell me that you are perfectly ok with your Skids and their BM having control over your home? and clearly I stated in the first response that I was probably out of line by doing so but in the moment, I did it anyway. AND my DH is a grown man. If he felt strongly about letting SS call his mother crying and making all of us look like assholes, then he would have done it anyway.
Does your DH have joint
Does your DH have joint legal? Can't he contact the Dr and find out if there is a medical issue?
It sounds like this little 4 year old is getting used as a ping pong ball between the two houses.
Is the medication prescription? If so, that's kinda a give away that the Dr prescribed it. Is it OTC? Did the Dr recommend it?
My ss15 has this and he just
My ss15 has this and he just uses OTC meds. the doc recommended it. BUT at the same time the doc also recommended several things that he can eat and drink and things he should avoid!
If he is only on meds then I would be questioning it. I mean what doc isn't going to recommend that they not be eating or drinking certain things? Plus he is 4? If he had a prob. it would have been noticed by now. I mean I have a friend whose child was like that when he was born. I don't know just seems strange to me that this kid is on meds and no recommendation to eat or drink certain things.
Yes they have 50/50 legal and
Yes they have 50/50 legal and shared custody. The Dr. believes what the BM has already told him. She is queen at making sure her kids have an illness so she can brag about it to everyone for whatever reason. The medication was prescribed. The Dr. wanted him on the medication for 3 months. She stopped the medication and didn't tell us yet is mad that we weren't giving it to him. She has no open line of communication and gets mad at DH not communicating. Even though he does and she chooses not to listen. SS has NEVER had a symptom here. If he had a chronic condition, and we have him 50% of the time, I think we would know. The medication has very serious side effects. We don't believe in medicating our kids without thorough research and neccisity of the drug. She believes in medicine curing everything. We believe in finding the root of the problem and fixing it with diet or other homeopathic remedies. It's a HUGE difference in parenting/ life styles that we will never agree on. DH decided to let her do what she wanted at her home, and we will do the same here. She had previously told DH what happens with SS here was NONE of her concern and she didn't care yet now she wants to co-parent. DH does a great job of never saying anything negative about BM, about trying to respect her (which is VERY hard) as a parent, etc. but she does not and will not ever do the same for him. It's her way or the highway. I am a mother of 2 children, one with a REAL chronic illness at the age of 1. If someone told me that they had a solution other than medication, I would not hesitate to try it. We have tried it. We have opted out of giving prescription medicines to simply "hide" the problem without curing it.
My SS10 showed signs of
My SS10 showed signs of Reflux when he was 4. BM did not think he had the reflux (that was mostly because I worked in a pedi hosp. with kids who had gastric problems and God forbid if SM was right!)
His symptoms became so bad that he would get stomach pains to the point he could not stand up and he would throw up. BM stood firmly and said there wasn't a problem and if there was, it must be only happening at BF's house. My husband ended up taking his son to the Dr.'s and BM showed up. The Dr. wanted him to be put on medication and BM refused. Then the Dr. said she wanted his reflux occurrences to be recorded on a calendar. My SS did that for one month. He had a calendar at BM and our house. When they returned to the Dr., SS never recorded anything at BM's house. At our house, he recorded both homes on our calendar. BM through a fit and the Dr. pulled him out of the room to find out which calendar was correct. He said BF's was and he was put on meds.
Now BM uses this reflux thing as something that only happens at our home because it is so stressful, when we are in court.
My husband was smart enough to send his meds to school so he gets them on the days he is with BM because she still refuses to give it. This past summer he was throwing up at BM's house because he wasn't getting the meds.
Your SS sounds like he is being pulled between both homes, which is a natural feeling to have for kids. For your own peace of mind, I would have BF take him to the Dr.'s to find out exactly what is happening with him. It may be legitamate.
We cannot trust our BM at all. She will lie about what is said from the Dr. It was so bad that the last round of court the Judge appointed my husband to make all final medical decisions for his children.
If SS ever complained even
If SS ever complained even once, had any kind of symptom, ANYTHING, DH would be much more apt to give him the medicine. He went to a follow up appt for this and the Dr. was going off of what BM had previously said and that was that. We aren't trying to fight or be cruel to SS. We had put DS on that medication for his chronic illness(not reflux) and his side effects were very intense. I know they are different in every kid BUT even if he has reflux, it cant possibly be bad enough to need a prescription medication if he has never had one symptom here, at daycare or when he spends the day with DH's mother every other week. How can he only have this problem with BM? The only way to make co-parenting work is when the BM is a rational person. I'm a BM, I am rational. SS BM is completely delusional and close minded so there needs to be a clear separation between them. There will never be compromise. I would love to see her sit down and do the research on this medicine, the side effects, the cause of acid reflux and the cure for a MILD case (at best) of reflux in small children. COMPLETELY manageable without medication in this case. Drs. will prescribe a medicine for everything, then another medicine for the side effects of that medicine. I've seen it happen with DS1. The cure is not medicine but medicine makes that Dr. money.