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Is this rude?

Oldmom's picture

I don't post much but today would like some opinions

DH and I were invided to his nephews for TGD. Traditionally I cook, but it's just the 2 of us this yr.

I have food alergies and they would cause the neice to change how she cooks the stuffing and turkey. I felt that would put her out too much so we declined.

When I spoke with his sister (Nephews mom) I explained we were declining dinner but would love to come for desert, and I would bring some sweets. His sister decided declining dinner and accepting desert was ignorant. Also she didn't know what time they were having dinner so we would know what time to come for desert and I told her to call when dinner was done. That was, in her opinion, beyond ignorant.

I did explain the reason and she decided I should cook my own turkey Wed and bring my own food. (I think that would be rude)

Am I wrong???

Aeron's picture

I think you should talk to nephew's wife directly and see how She feels about it since she and nephew are hosting. I think with food allergies there is a sliding scale of rude and that people should be forgiving and considerate of others which you are obviously trying to do. I don't see why coming for just dessert would be rude, I know a lot of people who do this when they have multiple family holiday obligations.

Indigo's picture

Speak with nephew's wife if she is hosting. Explain that you didn't want to be one of THOSE guests with special dietary needs who places a burden on the cook or who sits awkwardly with just a garden salad, so you suggested arriving for dessert. Skip the discussion with everyone but the woman behind the dinner.

It is totally normal for families to have aunts/uncles/cousins/nephews/children pop in and out throughout a "dinner," and showing up for dessert and tea is the most common. It's happening in my family this year.

You're not being rude. Nephew's mom was a wee bit out there with the whole "roast your own turkey" thing.

zerostepdrama's picture

I dont think its rude at all. But I do think you should talk to the wife and let her know what is going on.

Evil stepmonster's picture

Let me ask you a question, if the situation was reversed would you find it rude if she brought her own food to your dinner? I know I wouldn't. My son has a nut allergy, so when I bring stuff that's just for him no one gets upset by it. But I think everyone is right, speak to the wife and let her know what's going on. I bet she's much more resonable then nephews mom.
I hope yall have a good thanksgiving.

BethAnne's picture

Every family has different traditions and if their tradition is that everyone is there for the whole meal then it could be seen as rude that you are rejecting her dinner and bringing your own desert...i.e. I don't like any of your food and don't trust that you can cook something I want to/can eat and don't want to have to sit in your presence for the whole of a dinner. And if it is only the turkey that you can't eat, I am sure there will be plenty of sides that you can eat. Also who can predict what time they will be eating desert??? I know normally we eat our turkey (whenever it is done, hardly ever to schedule) the feel so stuffed we wait a few hours until we've room for desert. The other thing that seems odd to me is your timing, it is the day before thanksgiving, when were arrangements made? It seems last minute to me and perhaps she has already bought and started preparing the food assuming that you and your husband are coming and is now annoyed because there will be 2 less for dinner.

So yes, I can see how your plans could be taken as rude.

I would accept the offer to take your own turkey alternative and then eat their desert (if you can with your allergies). I think that asking you to cook a whole turkey the day before just so you can have a portion at their dinner is a bit much, but you could take some nice cold ham or something else from the deli, with some to spare so others can have a little too.

Oldmom's picture

To clarify, I would not be able to eat the turkey, stuffing, mashed potato's, or brussel sprouts. That leaves the sweet potato's and they use pancake syrup.

The last time we were there for dinner, SIL brougt spagetti sauce for the dinner knowing I could not eat it. Her excuse was Dh hadn't told her we were definately coming.

The invitation was declined last week, but the sister voiced her opinion Sunday. Also SIL normally only makes plans with DH. She says she "doesn't want to have to go through me to get to him"