Question should DH “step in” or let it be???Let me explain
SS14 is a total Self absorbed spoiled brat who is prone to violent outbursts if he does not get his way. Punching/breaking things/ screaming/swearing. Now since I NEVER Discipline or even tell SS14 what to do he's never become violent with me. Violent with DH but not me. DH is bigger and stronger than SS14 so SS14 can't get the upper hand...yet.
Now BM is single, lives alone and shorter than SS14. SS14 has told me on Several occasions BM let's him get away with things because BM knows SS14 will hit her. BM has also told SS14 therapist that SS14 has Threatened to hurt her if BM made him do certain things like do homework or get up early on the weekends. The therapist has told BM to call 911 if SS14 Threatens to harm her but BM said she did not want to do this. Not sure why.
So here is my question. DH feels it's not his place to Discipline SS14 when he misbehaves for BM. Honestly Secretly I sometimes think DH is hoping SS14 takes a swing at BM since DH can't without going to jail. Yes they both hate each other this much. Now honestly I could care less what SS14 does to BM BUT I'm thinking down the road and if this could affect me somehow.
So this being said do you think DH is correct in not getting involved to back BM and tell SS14 to stop Threatening his mother? I'm just thinking if this Entitled Delinquent behavior will get worse if DH does not step in and help BM with this. I mean what happens when SS14 gets to be a big or bigger then DH? Opinions on how DH should handle this or if he should just keep turning a blind eye and let BM deal with it completely?
I think the best thing would
I think the best thing would be to send him to a military school or therapeutic boarding school (specialized school for behavior problems.) I realize that's not in everyone's budget but some actually accept health insurance to pay for part of it. This kid is going to hurt someone or end up in prison. Getting him help now would probably cost less than the legal bills later.
The young Cadet leaders at a
The young Cadet leaders at a Military School would chew this ill behaved violent POS kid up and spit him out in short order. He would be calling mommy or daddy crying his eyes out begging to come home after the first night. I saw it any number of times during my Military School experience. The ones who think they are tough are the ones who break the hardest (completely lose it) and the earliest. The low key, observant, take it all in stride kids don't break, they thrive. They become stellar Cadets and the next wave of leaders. The now cry baby destroyed former tough types barely hang on if they manage to hang on at all.
If I was this kid's dad and he attacked me or even his mother (my X) I would beat his ass as soon as he took a swing at me then I would cuff him put him on the ground, truss him up like a roped calf and leave him to wallow around on the floor screaming his head off until the police showed up. I would press charges, put his ass in a state behavioral modification camp and leave him there until he was so broken and well behaved that he would never even think of pulling his violent shit again.
Nope, 14 and violent equals 14, black and blue, beaten to a pulp and hauled off to the State.
Or or finding himself dropped of at his worst nightmare of a Military School to be fed to the Cadet sharks and spit out a lean, polite, high performance Cadet, or broken into a sniveling shell of his former violent profane self.
BM knows SS14 will hit her.
Is that because BM is taking the threat seriously or has he already done it once? The brag by SS makes me think it may be the later. Many times a parent is reluctant to involve the authorities until medical help is required. SS may be a bully, BM may be afraid of him, but underneath all, and overriding everything, SS is still the child she wants to protect from the consequences of his actions.
I’d have him sent off
Personally I'd have him sent to a military school. I think you're in danger as well. It sounds like if he thinks he can get the upper hand he would become violent with you. Do you have other children in the home? I'd have a talk with dh asap about getting him some help. I'm truly worried for your safety. I wouldn't allow dh to leave me alone with him anytime he's visiting. One little thing may set him off and you could be his next target. He needs help and to learn some respect QUICKLY
In short, ALL parents should
In short, ALL parents should teach their children using violence to get what they want and hurt others is wrong. It doesn't matter that it's against BM, it could easily be a teacher or you next. If SS really believes he can use threats and intimidation to dominate those physically weaker, yes your husband should address that behavior and belief system your SS is developing! Unless he wants to be the father of an abuser? SS is learning this is ok so there is no reason to stop. And yes it will make your life miserable down the road. If he can hit mom then why can't he hit stepmom? He's not going to magically become respectful of you. Or if/when he hits a teacher, classmate, or a cop, this will drag you all down. Dealing with family court is bad enough let's not go with SS to criminal court too. Teaching his kid not to be a violent bully is not DH doing BM a favor, it's just being a dad. DH may not be there to enforce it but he should still make it clear to SS it's wrong to behave that way.
Even if DH did step in,
Even if DH did step in, realistically he cannot stop SS from doing anything at BMs home because he is not there.
BM has to be the one to set limits, all DH can do is support the limits she sets by not rewarding him for bad behavior.
If BM is scared of SS she needs to call the authorities and teach SS she isn't going to tolerate his behavior. By doing nothing she is reinforcing his bad behavior.
Is SS in therapy? That sounds
Is SS in therapy? That sounds like the first step to me. If he gets violent over normal things like doing homework or getting out of bed when he doesn't want to, how will he ever function in life?
I have a lot of strong
I have a lot of strong feelings on this. I left an abusive marriage so forgive me if I come on too strong.
Your DH should 100% get involved. His son is threatening violence against a woman, even if he hates BM that is SO wrong and if he can hit BM he will hit other women. If he can hit women what else will he do to them?
If his anger problems get too much for BM she can turn him over to his father. Both parents can't "refuse" to have him, and the chances are the judge will have a stance that his father needs to step in and raise him for the rest of his teenage years. Now you have a teenager who has a violence problem and knows both parents don't want him. That is going to go just great, don't you think??
Many military schools won't take a kid who has violence issues. You need a therapeutic boarding school. Call your insurance, call schools around the country. Find out what payment plans are and make it work. I would not want him in my house and this isn't something that can just be swept under the rug until BM catches a black eye or gets knocked down some stairs like a battered wife.
There was a period when I was
There was a period when I was about 12 that my parents were in a tense stage of their marriage. I was sensitive to it as my mom used me as her confidant when she was upset. Not that she ever said a thing about my dad, she just needed an ear and a shoulder.
My dad is very perceptive and assured me that if anything happened between he and my mom that he would provide and cared for her for the rest of her and his life.
I could not imagine the hell that would have rained down on us if we had ever assaulted our mother whether mom and dad had remained married or not. Last month was their 59th anniversary so it is a moot point.
If he is doing this shit at BM's, DH needs to man up and call the police to BM's home at the first inkling of violence from SS.
Ideally, BM would step up and
Ideally, BM would step up and demand respect from SS and wouldn't need dh to intervene. He's bigger? So what. She should've put the fear of God in that boy years ago. My brother was bigger than our mom by the time he was about 12 or 13. He knew better than to try anything. She put the fear of God in all of us at an early age. She taught us respect. She's a little woman who has been known to intimidate men twice her size. I'm 45 and still won't cross her though I have informed her that I can run faster scared than she can mad.
How he treats his mother can be an indicator of how he treats women in general. If his mother doesn't teach him respect then how can he be trusted to respect women? He could turn around and hit a teacher, his grandma, even you. Normally I'd say BM is reaping what she sows but I think in this case your husband needs to step in and let him know that disrespecting his mother or any other woman is unacceptable.
My SS bulldozed BM, MIL, and SIL. They allowed it. He tried with me a time or two but he'd figuratively get knocked down. He lived with me though so I was able to be more of an influence. I think he resented that he couldn't run me over but he learned to respect me real quick and I think it carried over somewhat to BM. His behavior with her did improve after he came here. My husband backed me though. He hated BM but wouldn't have tolerated SS hitting her. He is a firm believer in children respecting parents. He didn't let his dislike for BM cloud that. Your husband needs to worry more about how his son is going to treat women in general more than he hates the boy's mother.
DH needs to be involved
I'm going to be super blunt here and I'm normally much more measured. But I feel really strongly about this. I have never been affected personally but I knew of 3 women in my class in University who were beaten by their partners. And one of them literally had police protection due to her father's job and it still didn't keep her safe.
Your DH's child will be a wife beater. The child needs extreme help immediately because he has learnt that physically bullying women works to get his way. I couldn't even imagine being party to launching that kind of a monster on the world.
I know i already answered
I know i already answered this and i still think therapeutic boarding school is the answer. I wouldn't recommend DH be involved in the day-to-day goings on at BM's house, though. My SO's BM2 used to call him every time one of the kids was being difficult, which was every time she had them.
It was always a long drawn out dramatic convo of "Hello! He said what? Oh no, let me talk to him! Hey, you listen to Mommy ok? She said what? Well, it doesn't matter. Listen to Mommy or i'll have to come over there! I'll drive over there right now! Now put Mommy back on. Hey, so i taked to him. Call me right back if he won't listen! Bye! Haha what? Oh, yeah, you too. Have a good night!"
This b!tch couldn't keep them a single night without calling SO to discipline them. Idk if your BM is the type to "abuse the privilege" of your DH helping her, but the calls were very disruptive. He does need to do something, though, and i know you probably don't want a violent SS full-time. That's why i think some kind of residential thing would be best. He can come home when he's not threatening to hurt the people taking care of him.
ETA also i juat read a few of your previous posts. Your SS os the one who makes the weird whiny noises to get attention from your DH. Yeah, he definitely needs a therapeutic boarding school or some other kind of inpatient deal.
Your DH is okay with his son
Your DH is okay with his son using physical intimidation and threats of violence against a woman. Let me say that again ... Your DH is okay with his son using physical intimidation and threats of violence against a woman. Why are you with this type of man?
Nope not ok
Your husband should definitely take this on.
Violence against ANY woman is NOT ok. Violence against ANY person is NOT ok.
DH did nothing when SD22 Feral Forger was slapped and choked and body slammed by her mother. To this day I regret him not protecting her. They are BFF's now though, so the regret is often short lived.
Even as much as I was mad and felt hatred towards Feral Forger, I never ever thought for a moment that she DESERVED that.
You will need to have some major discussions with your husband. True what happens at BM's is none of his business, but things have escalated and he needs to DEAL WITH IT. Some great suggestions have been made.
You're husband should step in
You're husband should step in. By him knowing and allowing his son to commit domestic violence he is teaching him it's ok to abuse women. He breading a future wife beater.
Yes, a father should be
Yes, a father should be involved when his son is threatening to harm anyone, especially a woman. If your DH stands by and silently consents to him abusing his own mother do you really think he'll be able to protect you? If he does get put in jail/juvie for abusing his mom or someone else DH will likely have to pay legal fees in the thousands of dollars. This will affect you unless DH works 3 jobs and the two of you share zero finances.
The fact is, DH should be teaching his son how to be a good human, which means being decent to everyone, especially to his own mother. I get that DH hates her but he will destroy his son by using him as a vehicle to hurt his ex. I personally could care less about my exH, but when talking to my kids or listening to them about their father you'd never know. I always encourage them to be a part of their dad's life, to remember special days, and to be nice to his wife. The most important thing to me is that my kids are decent people.
Why did both parents allow
Why did both parents allow this situation to develop in the first place? This kind of behaviour didn't develop overnight and, frankly, they cannot allow it to continue unchecked any longer. They should have (both) nipped this in the bud when it first started. The responsibility lies with both of them. At the very least, at the next threat (veiled or otherwise), the cops should be called. I also like the suggestions about behavioural schools and military schools. However, BM needs to get it into her head that calling the cops is the best thing she can do for her son.
Good question and here is the answer
You are correct it did NOT happen over night. From a early age 4 or 5 SS14 was a Oversensitive, intolerant, self absorbed spoiled brat who was prone to violence. Now BM make "excuses" and Coddled SS14 saying SS14 has a "mental illness" so we can't blame SS. DH did Discipline and smacked SS on the ass for hitting DH when SS was around 7. This got a restraining order, huge $$$ Attorney fees and a lot of Grief from BM. Of course it was thrown out by the court Eventually but still. So this being said DH in now affaid to punish SS14 because of how BM flipped out last time.
So now we have DH who knows his kid is a brat but affaid to do anything and a BM who does not believe her poor mentally ill child can help himself.
Then you have me who just stays out of it and hoping SS14 does end up punching the wrong person and get throw in jail as I don't have hope either parent will correct the problem
What a mess! That's a lot of
What a mess! That's a lot of stress for you to deal with
unfortunately it sounds like this kid is bound for trouble. As a step it might be the best you can do is look for ways to protect yourself, both physically and financially from the chaos this kid is likely going to bring down on you all.
I’m am protecting myself
SS14 only becomes violent when you try and get him to do something. Since I never tell him what to do he's not done anything to me. I'm pretty sure SS14 will go off( peer/teacher/cop) before he would on me since I have very little to do with him for that reason. Now Financially DH and I have separate bank accounts and the house DH paid for before we met. If SS14 gets into trouble Legally the stepmom can't be responsible plus BM is a cash cow so they would drain her first since BM has lLegal custody.
Your DH hit SS in response to
Your DH hit SS in response to SS hitting him. How does that teach SS not to hit? It's like yelling at your kids to stop yelling (I'm guilty of this!). Hitting and punishing is not discipline, discipline is actually teaching your child how to behave. It sounds like your DH does not know how to discipline his child. He got in trouble for "smacking" ss and now DH doesn't do anything. I get that DH is scared of retribution but there are ways of parenting without corporal punishment. It would be wise for DH to read some books and/or take a parenting class on how to deal with ss. If ss does have components of mental illness then he really needs strong adults and structure in his life. You were concerned that this may affect you one day, it may or may not, but it will affect DH who may indefinitely be dealing with an out of control son. Yes, BM caused some of this issue, but DH is ss's parent and responsible as well.
The only sure way to solve
The only sure way to solve the problem of a bully is to cause more pain to the bully than the bully is willing to stand. Bullies are fundamentally cowards and a strong face punch that leaves a permanent mark and draws blood or leaves severe facial swelling or a black eyes solves the problem of a bully in short order.
I was the target of bullies periodically from about the 9yo to 15yo age range. Once I came to clarity that getting hit hurts whether I was defending myself or not I also came to clarity that if I was going to hurt, the other person, the bully, was going to hurt as well and if possible far more than I was going to hurt.
No more bully target, at least never twice at a school. In fact, it only took one incidence of me fighting back against a bully each time I changed schools for it to be quickly known that I would tolerate no bully-shit. Pun intended.
The most notable incident was in 8th grade at the first of 3 Jr High Schools I attended. A tormenter from grade school was also at that School and jumped my back in the court yard outside of the lunch room one day. I fell forward onto my hands and knees ripping the knees out of my very rare new pair of jeans, scraping my knees and filling my knees and hands with gravel, as I stood up the asshole's minion did the same thing and down I went again. As I got up the second time I drove off of my legs and planted fist right into the second guy's mouth bisecting his bottom lip into two flaps hanging down from each side of his mouth and loosened several of his teeth. I turned to the first guy who raised his hands and backed off. They both were suspended, the Principal just sent me to the nurses station to get cleaned up and then back to class after he interviewed me and a few kids who saw the incident. No more bully-shit and my social standing at that school sky rocketed instantly.
It is IMHO far better for a parent to apply a controlled physical punishment for a bully kid who hits the parent than for that kid to escalate their crap and get a severe beating from picking on the wrong peer at school. Far less risk of facial reconstructive surgery and a life time scar.
The situation described by OP
The situation described by OP is much different than a peer-to-peer bullying situation. I work with several individuals who have mental disabilities and who can be physically violent at times, many of them were physically abused by their parents as children. Hitting kids teaches a behavior, it does not curb the behavior.
Hitting is one thing,
Hitting is one thing, corporal punishment is something entirely different. I am not a proponent of beating children. Though swats to the rump upon occassion does a notable job of reconnecting the brain to appropriate behaviors when progressive discipline is warranted.
IMHO it is important to recognize that the kid the OP speaks of is 14. This is not a toddler. This is an adult sized, or near adult sized, kid who has a proven history of being violent. It is long past time for coddling and also long past the time when appropriate escalating discipline should have been applied.
You mentioned this "DH feels
You mentioned this "DH feels it's not his place to Discipline SS14 when he misbehaves for BM. Honestly Secretly I sometimes think DH is hoping SS14 takes a swing at BM since DH can't without going to jail. Yes they both hate each other this much. Now honestly I could care less what SS14 does to BM BUT I'm thinking down the road and if this could affect me somehow.
Your DH is about to get his karma, he'll act on that (your ss) a couple of times and will be sent straight to your DH's porch to handle - and then YOU will become his target.
He can act and correct his son as he should NOW or look at him becoming his problem full-time, his choice.
^^Exactly! What happens when
^^Exactly! What happens when ss knocks BM out, puts her in the hospital, or worse. Whose problem is ss then? Whose house will he live in full-time? Washing your hands of your kids' issue is just sweeping dust under the rug to be addressed later.