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reeny511's picture

For those of you who have a crazy BM to deal with -- how do I answer the inevitable question I always get from others -- “What did your DH ever see in her?? “Didn’t he realize from day one what a nut job she is?”

My mom happened to be over the other night and heard the phone ringing. I decided to let the answering machine pick up since DH was not home and I knew who it would be. My mom had to hear crazy BM leave another nasty message about my “deadbeat DH and how he needs to step up and be a real father to SD10". She wants more child support of course and is taking us back to court. Mind you we pay for EVERYTHING. We only have custody EOW and we pay for all school clothes, extra curricular activities, medical insurance, college fund and sometimes food for BM’s house, (because she can’t KEEP a job!). My mom had to hear her go on and on about how SD10 came first and she will always be first in DH’s life and his new family should be 2nd when it comes to needs, blah blah blah...

I’m embarrassed by DH’s choice of ever having any kind of relationship with this woman (never mind sexual). And don’t say he was thinking with his little head because you cant have sex 24/7!! This was not a one night stand. He dated her over a year before she got pregnant. (Never married her, which was her intent). She’s the polar opposite of me and I just cant get over the fact that he ever laid down with her never mind get her pregnant! P.S. He wasn’t young and stupid when he met her - he was already 31 and had a home of his own. She saw $$$$ when she met him.

Squillion's picture

I'd likely answer "What did your DH ever see in her??" with "She knew how to mind her business... a quality we both appreciate"

But I think we've already established my smartassedness.

Really, that's a rude thing for them to ask you at all. If you feel you have to answer, I'd just say "You would have to ask him."

lovelovelove's picture

BM is a lesbian and her whole family knew about it, just didn't tell DH about all of her "lesbian relationships over the years". Even his family and friends asked him, "Um, are you sure she's not gay because DUDE- she LOOKS like she's GAY??" Hey clueless!! Well, she had a 3 year affair with a chick while they were married, so go figure. She is truly the ugliest, manly looking "woman" thing I have ever seen and she sounds like a man, too. DH had dated gorgeous women before her, but he felt that he was being too superficial (the born-again Christian brainwashing) and so he assumed that God wanted him to marry someone who looks more like say, a man...??? Who knows...

I guess the only answer is, I have no freakin' idea!! Men can be SO clueless sometimes about what is right smack in front of their faces.

DH regrets the day he ever laid eyes on crazy-bitch, her/him/it, kids or no kids...he said he would never do it over again.

Oh, and she was a "virgin" when they met (with the exception of the women she did) and she made him wait until their wedding night for sex...which turned out to be awful and BM didn't want to have sex with him the rest of the honeymoon!! Can you say RED FLAGS FLYIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE!! Ugh...MEN! Get a clue or TEN!

Love Wink

StepMadre's picture

My best friend and I always laugh over this because although her husband doesn't have kids with his ex (lucky bitch!) she is horrified by the total difference between her and his ex, the man-woman. My friend is really hot. She's also a ballet dancer (that's how we met) and is tall, thin, and beautiful and has long blonde hair. On top of that she is incredibly nice and smart and a wonderful loving mother to her two kids. Anyway, her husband is not my cup of tea, but he's a good looking guy and adores her. On their second date he showed up with bags of groceries and vitamins because he was worried that she wasn't eating well. I would have been irritated, but she thought it was sweet and they got married two weeks later! Six years on and they are still madly in love and have two adorable kids. Anyhoo, my friend was bitching to me about her H's ex and how ugly and mannish she is and I believed her, but then we ran into her in a home furnishing store and my jaw literally dropped. According to my friend, this woman was pretty crazy, but the part that I found most shocking was how different she was from my friend. This woman actually had hair on her knuckles. I kid you not. She was wearing a plaid lumberjack shirt (hot on some women, but you have to not BE a lumberjack to have it be sexy) and Carharts overalls with work boots. I think women who do untraditional jobs are bad-ass, but it turned out that she is a secretary!!! Those were her day off clothes! She had unkempt tangled dark hair, a unibrow, what appeared to be a five o'clock shadow and giant boobs. I would have sworn she was a shemale, but apparently she is all woman. We felt like bitches for being so shallow about looks, but it really upset my friend that her H ever went out with this woman. I just thought it was funny, but now that my own H has a hideous ex (on the inside and out), I totally understand where she was coming from.

I have thought about it a lot because it bothers me more than it should that my H was ever with such a troll and I think the reason why (and my BFF and I have discussed this a lot too) is that it makes us feel insecure about our H's taste in women. If they are willing to date/marry/have kids with these hideous she-monsters, what does that say about us? I think this is the basic underlying fear, even though it is usually completely unfounded. I am very realistic about my own looks and definitely my own worst critic. I know that I am pretty, but I have my bad days like anyone else and have Proactive face mask on as I type this, due to an evil, evil, outbreak. Biggrin Also, as far as hideous BMs go, it's just nasty and gross to think about. I am revolted by the thought that my H ever shared a bed with that nasty, squashy tattooed thing. I completely agree with Minnemom in that we all have ex's where we later go "what was I thinking?" (for me there was a Harry Potter look-alike that my family still gives me crap about, lol. I was even given a fake wand for Christmas.) The problem is that our ex's don't show up at our house five days a week, reminding us of the mistakes we made (unless we had kids by them, obviously). My H doesn't have to be reminded of my more unattractive exes on an almost daily basis.

As uncomfortable as it is to admit, I think that in my case, wondering what the hell my H was thinking and how it relates to me is at least half of why I have such a problem with this. My H won't even let me describe BM to him and plugs his ears and goes "la la la la" until I stop (it's fun to tease him when i'm feeling evil). He says it makes him feel like throwing up to think about her physically so I am still kind of mystified that he was able to be with her for so long? I've asked him about it a few times (he has to be in just the right mood or he refuses to discuss it at all and says he's grossed out) and what he told me was that when he met BM he was 18 and he met her through his roommate. He was a total stoner/slacker in those days (being "high" is always a great excuse, eh ladies?) and his circle of friends was on the shady side. She pursued him strongly and he thought she was nice enough and sort of cute. He didn't realize that she was the village bicycle of their social group because even though she hung out with the drug crowd, she looked innocent and never mentioned anything untoward. He dated her for three months, which basically meant that she came over to his house and called all the time and they had sex. They never actually went on any real dates and he didn't call her his girlfriend. She told everyone he was her boyfriend, but he didn't find out about it until later. He fully admits that he was an immature slacker back in the day and had very little experience with women. He was a total late bloomer (but damn did he bloom eventually!) and actually very shy. After two months of "dating," his friends started coming up to him and saying stuff about her that let's just say wasn't complimentary. He gradually found out that she had slept with pretty much all of his friends at some point and a lot of other guys as well (including cheating on two of them that he knows of). One of the guys was so gross that H actually threw up because he was so upset about it. He was sure he had gotten AIDS from the guy because she had unprotected sex with him and the guy was a totally dirty IV drug user. He took a bunch of tests, made her get tested and got tested every six months for a two years. Luckily, everything was fine, but he was terrified and pissed beyond belief that she didn't share her history. Normally, he is very non-judgmental and doesn't care what people do, but in this case, she put him at risk for scary diseases and didn't tell him about it. She totally portrayed herself as a virgin and lied about her past, so he hadn't been overly worried until he found out all this stuff. He didn't want to judge her too harshly either, but after his zillionth friend told him what an easy lay she was, he finally confronted her about it. She got nasty and defensive and tried to lie, not knowing that he knew a lot of her "partners." For some reason, she talked him into giving her a second chance and, being immature and inexperienced, he agreed. A month later she told him she was pregnant. He was so angry that he broke up with her and despite her pleas he held his ground for six years. He did fully support her during the pregnancy and did all the lamaze classes, paid for doctors visits, food, vitamins etc...and went with her to everything. he set up a nursery in his own apartment and because she couldn't keep a job, he paid for her baby stuff as well. He was totally involved and they actually got along pretty well. He was really disturbed by her mothering, but his baby was safe, so he didn't really do anything about it. They didn't have a legal custody arrangement and they shared custody 50/50. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, after six years he started dating one of his friends and BM lost it completely. She had a total meltdown and told H that his GF was wrong for him and a psycho (she had never met her). She just completely lost her wig and due to H's extreme compassion and tendency to be a doormat (he's way more assertive now, thank God), he caved and got back together with BM, on the condition that she take her birth control. She had done the birth control scam six years before and he is a chance giver and she swore up and down that she would never do that to him again. Well, lo and behold, guess who was pregnant a month later? She pulled the same con, again!!! That was his first real shock of realization that maybe she was a bit on the crazy side, but he felt too involved to extricate himself. He stayed with her for four years and says he did it because he felt he had no choice and that he was worried about what kind of creepy guys she would bring into his kids lives if he left. She is such a crappy mother that he was worried about that too. He knew the whole time that he would leave her at some point, but he was too depressed and anxious to go through with it and it took him four years to get it together to do it. He wanted to wait until his youngest was a little older, figuring that he would be safer that way. Because they had gotten along fine during their first six year split, he assumed that she would be cool this time around too. Well, it turned out that her previous freak show act when he dated someone else was nothing compared to how she reacted to me. All this stuff came out about how she was his soul mate and destined to be with him. She told me that he would always love her, not me and taunted me because I can't have bio-kids and therefore won't ever have his bio-kids and blah blah blah.

When I knew H as a friend, I also knew BM casually and she must have seen me as a threat because she did extremely unsubtle hints all the time about her relationship with H. It was completely bizarre because it didn't match at all what I saw or what H said, or how she acted around H. I thought it was weird how unaffectionate they were because they acted like casual, friendly acquaintances. They never touched, hugged, kissed or anything and always stood about three or four feet away from each other. When they would see each other (we all worked together, joy and delight) they would say, "hi, how are you doing?" "fine, thank you" and other bizarrely formal greetings. An outsider would NEVER guess they were a couple. H rarely talked about her and when he did he was just bitter and angry. He never said anything bad about her, but it was obvious that he was very unhappy. He had the saddest look in his eyes all the time and looked incredibly resigned and unhappy. (at our wedding reception, his parents' best friend who has known him since pre-school said that she had never seen him so happy and commented that his eyes didn't look sad anymore). Only once did BM act flirtatious about H. I was inviting everyone at work to come dancing at an old fashioned swing dance that I was teaching lessons for and had comp tickets to give away. I was trying to be friendly and she accepted one of the tickets. She put on this bizarre baby-talky voice and said she would go, but that H would probably be too jealous for her to dance with anyone. It was extremely awkward and she seemed desperate and unsure of herself so to help out, I jokingly said that I would keep the guys off her (like that would be difficult) and he muttered under his breath, "don't bother." I was like, whoa! but BM didn't hear him. That was the only significant negative thing that he said about her.

When she was not around H on the other hand, whoa nelly, she was totally different. In a group of mutual co-workers, if I was around, she would loudly make comments about H being so in love with her and that they were saving up for a romantic trip that would be their honeymoon because he considered her his wife. She actually claimed that they had been together for 10 years! In her deluded mind, she was considering the time they were broken up, FOR SIX YEARS!, as time they were together!!! She didn't know that I knew people who knew them and could easily find out that she was blatantly lying. She went on and on about H and repeatedly said really weird things in a very obvious attempt to show me (and everyone) that they were together. It was bizarre and sad. It didn't jive with anything he said or how they acted around each other and she never said any of this stuff in front of him. Because she was telling people that they had been together for 10 years a lot of people assumed that they were married. One of our co-workers referred to her as his wife and he immediately corrected her and firmly said, "she's not my wife!" When people referred to him as her husband in front of BM, on the other hand, she ate it up and said things like, "someday we'll get around to a honeymoon. But when you have kids...*fake high pitched laugh*" H told me later that he found out that she had been signing checks for work (part of her job at the time) using his last name, as if they were married!!! He also found a sheet of paper in their phonebook with "Mrs. BM H's Last Name" written all over it with hearts over the i's and everything!!! Just like an immature junior high school girl! Seriously this woman was and is a total nut job.

So anyway, there is a lot more, but I am rambling off topic enough. Adding the craziness to BMs repulsive physical appearance and I didn't understand how H could ever have been with her, but after learning about their history it makes a lot more sense (still gross and heinous, but more understandable). He was never in love with her and never particularly wanted to be with her. She got pregnant during a time when his life revolved around living in a crappy apartment, skipping class, drinking and smoking weed. I've seen pictures of both of them from that era and he has changed sooooo much. He was always a sweet guy, but he is the first to admit that he was extremely depressed and self-destructive during that time period and didn't have any motivation to improve his life. He had been dumped by a girl that he had really liked just before he met BM and she was supposed to be a transition girl, not a girlfriend. She literally came to his apartment and he had to make zero effort. He never called her or invited her over. She called him and came over on her own. He always jokes that I would have hated him back then and thought he was a total loser and it's probably true! He has grown up A LOT and is fantastic now, but everyone has their immature stage.

So, I do understand a lot more about him being with her and it helps that it was so kid related. He said that if she hadn't gotten pregnant, he would have walked away and never thought about her again. He was embarrassed to bring her home to his family, but did what he thought was right at the time. When she got pregnant, he got a place of his own, quit drinking and smoking and completely changed his life. The thing is, and I think this is a problem for all of us is that, I can understand not being that into someone or dating a "what was I thinking?" person, but BM was so gross that I really don't understand how he could stand to touch her at all? He claimed that she wasn't as bad when she was 18, but i've seen the pictures and omigod, she was gross. I can't understand how she was able to be a slut, because she didn't just need a brown bag, she needed a brown sleeping bag. Even when she was 18, she was tubby (and not in that beautiful voluptuous way) and wore really high waisted jeans (mom jeans, basically) with pleats in the front that created a little pouch for her stomach fat. She got all kinds of random and meaningless tattoos, including one covering her entire stomach. To put it gently, she does not have a flat stomach and the only six pack she was familiar with was the kind that you can drink. I don't know how the tattooer was able to do it, because the tattoo folds in on itself in her rolls of fat and you can't even tell what it is. H says she was always like that, even at such a young age. She had a chubby, round face, frizzy dishwater blonde hair that she wore parted severely in the middle and in a greasy looking ponytail. She had giant, bulging blue eyes that made her look like those pictures of skulls that still have the eyeballs. Her skin was pink and blotchy (think Miss. Piggy with red splotches) and she had a small mouth with crooked teeth. Her arms were all saggy and covered with moles and her boobs were down to her waist, yet flat-ish before she even breast fed! She is extremely ungainly and very clumsy and knocks things over all the time and definitely looks like she borrowed her body for the weekend and hasn't figured out how to operate it yet. She has the most bizarre walk too, other people have noticed and commented on it. She hunches her shoulders forward and had her head tipped down and she holds her arms stiffly at her side and stomps really hard as she walks. It's like with every step, she tries to make bigfoot prints in the pavement. She wore the frumpiest clothes possible and just looks disheveled, sweaty and fat in all the pictures of her. She looks just the same now except that her hair is frizzier and shorter (she actually attempted to copy my hairstyle among other things-it's really creepy) and she is even fatter than before. She purses her lips all the time and has these little wrinkles all around them and has a little mustache. H once tried to talk to her about the stache and since he's not that great at being tactful and is more the blunt type, she wound up sobbing about it, but then did nothing. If H told me that I had a mustache (how could I not notice?!) I might be upset and hurt and then I would run to the waxer and get it removed. He offered to pay for electrolysis for her and she freaked out for a day and then never mentioned it again. She is still sporting one and it is freaking nasty. One of my good friends is from Jordan and she is drop dead gorgeous and has classic Arab good looks (she actually looks like a stunning real life version of Jasmine in Aladdin) but also has facial hair above her lip. It's really common among Arab women and she is fully aware of it and waxes it at home. She has a wax recipe that she gave me that has been passed down from mother to daughter for centuries because of their inherited unwanted hair. If I had this problem, you can bet I would take care of it. I shave my legs every day and if I didn't I think my legs would look gross. I know some people are into the body hair thing, but I am not one of them (H isn't either).

Anyway, BM has super nasty white legs that look like tree trunks and you can actually see her leg stubble from fifteen feet away (H says she shaved about twice a month, if at all. She isn't one of those darling indie girls that can get away with it either!). She is just so, so, so freaking ugly and repulsive that I can't believe H was ever with her. One positive thing is that no matter how much I let myself go, I am still as hot as hell to H, especially after BM.

When I can get him to talk about it (not that often, but it does still come up sometimes) H gets really grossed out and always ends up begging me to stop describing her. For the past few months BM has been trying as hard as she can to seem attractive and it's so pathetic and I actually find myself pitying the crazy woman who has made our lives hellish for over a year. It still pisses me off because if she thinks i'm not going to be some place, she obviously tries to dress up and attempts to make H notice her. I love it when she sees me and can't hide her face falling. She went through a phase where she copied everything about me and it gave me the heebie jeebies big time. She didn't wear make-up before H dumped her and because I do (usually very light and natural, but sometimes if H is lucky, I go for the smoky eyes). So now when she is trying to get H's attention, she wears the most horribly applied make-up ever. She uses heavy eyeliner and for reasons known only to herself, she lines her entire eye, as in a complete circle/oval! She also apparently has the old lady shaky hands because her eyeliner is uneven and often 1/4 an inch away from where it's supposed to be. I don't think she has ever heard of blending because she has two circles of bright pink blush smack dab in the spot where other people have cheekbones. She wears mascara and I can see it because it makes her look like a hung-over drag queen who slept in his false eyelashes. She always has little black dots and smudges under her eyes from clumps of mascara falling down. She is just a total mess. It's actually really sad and if she weren't psychotic and evil, I would have compassion for her.

In all seriousness, H has told me that in order to be with BM, he had to shut down the part of himself that felt alive and he went through the motions of being with her, while remaining numb to a large extent. I can't imagine living like that, but when I met H he was severely depressed and felt very hopeless about his life. He used to drink a lot to deal with it and says that drinking a few beers in the evening was his unhealthy way of coping with being with such a gross person. He was also really embarrassed because he knew that people wondered why he was with her. Then he would feel guilty about being embarrassed and would worry that he was shallow or a bad person. The horrible thing is that BM constantly made comments about her looks in attempts to fish for compliments. She once mentioned that common concept that men tend to date women at the same attractiveness level or above theirs and women tend to date men below their attractiveness level. She mentioned this to him multiple times and hinted that it was definitely true in their case! LOL!!! She acted like she genuinely thought this!

My H would blush because he's shy and has no idea how hot he is, but he is a sexy mo fo. He has a great body (he's super active and outdoors at every available opportunity) a super handsome face with a fantastic smile and bright blue eyes. He looks really Irish and a bit like Colin Farrell, but not sleazy. Smile He has dark brown curly hair and amazing skin that tans even in the winter. He's basically a wonderful person, who happens to be extremely hot as well. He was such a dork as a kid and then a slacker/stoner in high school/first year of college that he still has the mindset that he isn't hot. It's so funny because women stare at him and flirt all the time and he is completely oblivious. I have seen women's faces fall so many times when they spot his wedding band and all of my friends were jealous when I snagged him. I got a lot of teasing about not letting him be on the market for long to give others a shot (like hell!).

H being with such a hideous creature is difficult for me to come to terms with, but the part I find really disturbing is that I can't tell if BM is really that delusional and actually thinks she is hot? Or is she trying to fake it and actually knows how ugly she is? H has told me many times that I have no concept of how adept BM is at living in denial. He says that if she hadn't been forced to face that fact that he left her (short of buying a blow up doll and naming him H, she couldn't pretend that he hadn't dumped her) she would have lived in a state of complete denial. She has consistently announced things that are just plain crazy and obviously not true and she genuinely seems to believe it. I think she knows she's lying to herself (and everyone else) deep down, but she seems to really function in a state of denial to a degree that is mind boggling. (for example, she told herself, her kids, her co-workers, H and me that she was probably going to marry her "boyfriend." At the time we knew that they had been "dating" for a week and at the time that she announced this to me, her "boyfriend" wasn't returning any of her phone calls and was already dating another woman. She set herself up for massive public and personal humiliation and yet she continues to say and do mortifying things.

Anyway, that's my rambling opinion on this issue. BMs on here tend to be nuts and apparently many of them are dogs as well. I would love to read all your opinions on this and someone, please, be as bitchy as I was, so I don't feel so evil. LOL Biggrin

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32

KeepsGettingBetter's picture

That's what I say. Sorry don't want to sound disgusting but that's all I can put it down to otherwise I'm lost for words when I get asked.

starfish's picture

my dh married FFC when he was YOUNG........ had he ventured out maybe once, maybe he wouldn't have married HER (on the same note he may not have been where he was at the time i met him, i have to believe everything happens for a reason)..

back to topic, mil to date when she is not sucking bm's ass goes on about how she told dh that bm & her family was a freak... and how much she never liked her, blah blah blah blah

dh says a day doesn't go by that he doesn't regret marrying her........and a good father he is --- but he also states he HATES and WISHES he never had kids with HER...........

reeny511's picture

Ok - stepmadre you have me beat on the ugly BM’s! I shall stop my own pity parties and move on. I feel better already. And thank you to KeepsgettingBetter - I wonder what people will say when I give them that answer in serious deadtone face. Ha ha love it!!

Orange County Ca's picture

A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change. A woman marries a man thinking he will.

Both are wrong.

NotMadeOfMoney's picture

In a nutshell, I've come to figure out this about their relationship:
1. All BF wanted to get laid on a regular basis.
2. All BM wanted was a sperm donor and for him to pay her on a weekly basis for the next 18 years.

Harsh? Maybe. The nasty truth? Absolutely.

~Lizzy (NotMadeOfMoney)
"Who needs therapy when you have wine." ~Anonymous

cnd62107's picture

well my fh is 7 years older than me and he and bm met when he was 16, so at that time i was a little kid. i feel like everything happens for a reason and he was with his ex because he had to have a life while his soulmate was busy growing up, and because if their relationship would have never happened we wouldn't have his beautiful little girl. my fh totalled his car on his way home from his first date with her and he makes the joke that he should have known then that the whole thing was going to be a wreck. Smile

PnutButta's picture

When you're young, you're stupid. Also, men usually think with one thing at the age of 18, and it's not their brain.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost