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We are going on vacation without SD12!!

reeny511's picture

This summer our budget is very tight and we had not planned on doing anything for a vacation. Last night out of the blue DH decides we should go to Disney for a couple of days and not take SD! I thought he was drunk! Go on vacation without precious SD? How could we possibly enjoy ourselves! Hee hee. Cant wait. We have custody of her during the summer, so he asked BM if she wanted SD for a week and she said yes. BM got laid off again so she can stay home with her all week and bond. All hell is going to break loose as soon as they both find out we went to Disney. I’m sure BM will rub it in SD’s face that “daddy loves reeny and BD3 more because they went on vacation without you”.

Should I feel guilty? We have always taken SD12 with us everywhere, even though she never appreciates it and just fights and argues with BD3. She is extremely jealous of BD3, so I hope she doesn’t take it out on her later on.

reeny511's picture

Yes - we have her all summer. The days DH does not work they spend the day together alone doing things. He is just frustrated with her right now because the minute I come home from work with BD3, they go at it (SD and BD). SD is very ungrateful for the things she has and it's been very stressful lately with her around.

reeny511's picture

I would LOVE to do that foxie! But unfortunately that's not an option at this time.

Believe me our situation has a lot of issues and I would also love to go to family counseling with SD. But her mom wont allow it. She's afraid of being turned in to Child Services if the counselor found out how she was living. So what do we do with a kid who has serious issues and the BM is a nightmare too?

frustratedstepdad's picture

No! You should not feel guilty at all. If all she does is act like an unappreciative idiot when you do take her somewhere, be happy that you are going somewhere without her. Enjoy your vacation and don't think about that spoiled brat one more minute than you have to!

ginger.m's picture

There was a time when I would have considered not taking my SS on a vacation like that because he was such a pain in everyone's ass -including DH. If you don't take her, I think you should let her know why. If it's because she's disrespectful and unappreciative,tell her. I don't think it's ok to be sneaky tho, because she will resent you so much for that. I mean, its Disney, not camping or something. That's kind of a big deal, right? I don't know about this one, reeny. Choose this battle wisely.

reeny511's picture

She does not want to be us. Period. She tells us everyday that she hates the judge that made the custody arrangement. She wants to be with mom. Mom caters to her every need and mom puts her on a pedestal. We cannot compete with BM. She is happy as shit right now because she gets to go back to mom during our time.

to Foxie: the counselor wont see SD without BM's permission. So we go without her. I wish she could come!

Jsmom's picture

We don't do a vacation without SS. If it is a couple only one fine; but, if you two are taking BD3 than that is not fair.

I do vacations with my son alone and DH does with his alone, but a group one with the Bio and not the steps is not fair. Especially going to Disney. You are going to have huge fallout from this one.

Disneyfan's picture

I'm all for families taking vactions with and without the SKs. What seems wrong here is that dad is planning this trip during a time that he had his daughter. She's going to feel the way many SMs feel when their SKs exclude them from things. I don't think SM should feel guilty about the trip. It wasn't her call.

Auteur's picture

Guilty? HELL to the NO!

Enjoy a moment of peace w/o skiddrama!

Sweetnothings's picture

No way should you feel guilty !! We spend a fortune on flights for the skids as it is !! Really wouldn't want to have a proper vacation with them !!

hismineandours's picture

Well we are going to FL next month without ss13. We are taking my 3 kids. I simply asked my dh about MY intention to go and take my children and invited him to go as well, but told him ss is not invited. Sounds harsh? I dont really care. We have always taken ss on all major trips-ALL of them since we've been together (11 years now). And his behavior has grown increasingly worse as the years have gone by. Last year, we went to the beach, rented a house with a pool, etc. He tried to choke my son in the pool, he drank my alcohol, screamed at people daily, refused to do any picking up after himself, etc because I was the one that asked and I wasnt his mom so he didnt have to do anything I said. He asked to call his bm multiple times. He wet himself every single night and wouldnt clean up after himself. On the way home, one hour after we left-he informed myself and my children that he did not like any of us, didnt like being around us, talking to us, etc. that he had no reason to feel that way-he just did. this was not in response to an argument and he was not angry at the time, but was rather said in casual conversation. On the way home he threw up in teh Cracker Barrel Parking lot because he thinks its cool to inhale a plate of food in 60 seconds, he demanded through out the 14 hr drive to be taken back to bms (another 3 hours) that night because we had nothing fun planned that evening or the next day. He demanded food constantly-every hour-he refused to wear his seat belt. yeah, I'll just stop there.

We've taken him camping 2x (besides this recent Memorial Day) both of those trips he laid in his tent and screamed at the top of his lungs for 30 plus minutes. I was afraid that we would be asked to leave. As it was the people beside us asked us the next morning if everything was ok.

So, yes I am overjoyed that we are not taking ss. I dont know if ss even knows we are going or not-I do believe he does-I am not sure what dh told him about it-my guess is that he did say something about ss's inappropriate behavior.

A vacation with my ss is not truly a vacation-he has constant behaviors that ensure he is the center of attention at all times. It is truly exhausting. I work hard all year round, I love taking trips and I've not been able to truly enjoy them with ss there. I have tried making the best of it-but true relaxation is always out of reach when he is present. We will also be cancelling one of his weekends as that is when we are leaving.

I dont feel it is my responsibility to be concerned about not taking him. 1)My ss is 13-your sd is 12 these kids are old enough to know proper behavior-I do not expect my ss to be anywhere near perfect but I do expect him not to choke anyone. He also is constantly starting stuff with the other kids-constantly just to get a rise out of them-which truly they are excellent at ignoring-but it grates on one's nerves to hear it constantly. If they cannot control their behavior to an extent that those around them cannot enjoy themselves then they do not deserve to go IMO. 2)Aside from my ss13, I feel it is my dh's job to ensure that my ss13 displays proper behavior. Quite frankly, he's not up for the job. He has been working on it lately but still missteps quite regularly and we are just in the beginning stages of this. If the child's parent cannot ensure that they behave properly then why should *I* feel bad for not wanting him to go?

Please do not waste one minute of your vaca feeling guilty for being happy that she's not there. Her behavior is not your responsibility. It is hers and your dh's. Perhaps (I know it will never happen) but perhaps her staying at home may motivate the both of them to start working on teaching her proper behavior so you can take her someday.

I do want to add if the sole reason for not taking her is financial-then I think you should include her or either not take your bio daughter. It's not her fault your finances are not great so she should not be "punished" for it. But to me it sounds as if there are alot of behavioral issues that make you not want to include her.

reeny511's picture

Thanks hismineandours. This is exactly how I feel. The kid is a major pain. She purposely picks a fight with BD3 and then comes crying because BD3 called her fat or something else. She is very immature for her age. I do not take sides and strive to treat them both fairly. But, I think DH just wants to have a peaceful trip without someone constantly telling him everything we do is not good enough!

Zoie's picture

I dont think it's fair that you are taking one child and not the other..especially to Disney when that is suppose to be Dad time with his daughter..

Should you feel guilty..well I dont know as I am not sure of the dynamics in your household..but will SD feel badly....ummm well wouldn't you???

I'm thinking this could get ugly.....JMHO.....Z

hismineandours's picture

It also sounds as if your dh spends lots of quality one on one time with his daughter on her visits-without BD3. But I dont see anyone very concerned about that. I get that day trips and such dont=disneyland, but what does-if he's done 50 day trips in the last year with just your sd does that equal a solo trip to disney for bd3? Who is to say? Doesnt your bd deserve some stress free daddy time without a much older kid starting crap with her and demanding to be the center of attention?

I would definitely have your dh address these issues with your sd. And tell her, this time it will be a trip for just bd3-like we have taken lots of little trips together. I want you to work on getting along better with your sister so that all 4 of us can take trips together in the future. Have him identify exactly what behavior he is talking about and give some examples, heck, have him set some specific goals for her in terms of her behavior and getting along with bd and if she is able to meet those goals then he can reward her.

Also, I might add that sometimes some of the things we think might concern kids actually do not at all. I do not know if this will be the case here-but teher is a possiblity that she maybe thinking, "thank god I dont have to go-the idea of spending days with my annoying 3 year old half sister makes me want to puke!"

purpledaisies's picture

Here is the thing these kids all ahve vac. with their mom that step moms kids don't. Do you think the bm's feel guilty that their kids sibs don't go with them?? NO these bm's do NOT care and will continue to take JUST their kids on vac. It is this fathers right to take just one of his kids and not the other. He can explain that while she goes on vac with her mom all the time and that he takes her on trips just her so it is her sis time to go a trip with just him too. These kids understand more than we think and they will get over it. It should not be a big deal. Just remember the more of big deal you make out of something the kid catching on and will make a big deal out of it too.