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personal inquiry

Starla's picture

lm wondering what drew people here to this site. ls being a step parent difficult enough to look for such a site, how many want to be a Dear Abby kind of person, seeking a safe place to vent, and or any other reason? lm here because l have been seeking a place to vent, listen to others and gain insight on how to handle different situations, possibly share some advice, and learn how to be a better step parent.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

I'm here because it's nice for me to be able to relate to other women who have to deal with batshit crazy BMs.

My stepkids aren't that bad...SD5 is a real pill, but she's nothing compared to some of these ladies' skids. But 2 of the 3 BMs really get on my nerves, and sometimes I just need to vent. Even on a good day, sometimes I find that the rigors of steplife grind on me a bit.

Rhyleighblue's picture

We are all here for own reasons and for exactly the same reasons that you are...

So many of our individual situations and experiences overlap each other that we often feel a special kinship with each other. It doesn't matter if one is a StepDad or a StepMom because so much of what we live through is not personal. And I believe that is the most painful part of being a Step. It hurts to be on the outside ("They aren't your kids") and it hurts when they make a specific effort to include you ("If you really loved me then you would; feed, bathe, dress, diaper, clean up after, escort, babysit, shop for my kids and pay for my CS to keep me out of jail!").

Being a Step means that; you are always wrong no matter what you do, you are always too hostile, too demanding, too cold hearted, too sensitive, too whiney and you just "don't get it".

Yes... We know who you are and we know your rage, frustration, pain, confusion and exhaustion. We have walked your path of false hope, temporary freedom and joy, your small victories and most of us have shared your minor acts of spite in some way.

You are welcome here... Warts and all.

henrythedad's picture

Heh!!!! Smile

bi's picture

i'm here for several reasons. the main one is that when i was in the midst of stephell, i was full of rage and hatred for sd. i was on another site where you are not allowed to be honest about your feelings unless you would like to be torn apart and have your butt rode daily, because only an evil bitch from hell could say that she hated a child. one of the elders of that board decided to make it her mission to attack me every chance she got for 2 years straight. i even stayed gone a month just to see what would happen. she was still posting about me and when i came back, she was on me in an instant like she had been waiting for me. nothing was done about this.

so part of why i'm here is to let other sm's who feel as poisonous as i did know that it's ok to feel that way. it's ok to say you hate your skid. it may not be ok to show hatred to your skid, but it most definitely is ok to feel it and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. it's not like i wanted to hate sd. her attitude and behavior left no other emotion for me to feel for her.

i'm also here because i think i can help people who are in situations i have already been in and found a way out of. occassionally, i still have issues with sd and i need a place to get it out at. there are things that she has done that have made it impossible for me to just let the past go. we can get along and be fine most of the time, but i will never truly like her. i need a place to vent those feelings when they come over me so that i don't have them spilling out of me in my real life.

henrythedad's picture

Hey bi - I just "friended" you. You responded to my friending but I was unable to respond...hint,hint. Hope all is well with you girl!!!

twopines's picture

I'm here because I don't know anyone IRL with adult stepkids except my mother.

Never in my life did I ever expect to have to deal with someone like SD26 who is so contrary to me. It's reassuring to know others have similar issues, and some of the adult stepdaughters follow the same pattern as mine does.

Starla's picture

Wow pretty cool insight especially for being such a short period of time since the posting..thank you to everyone! l must agree that my step daughter and any child for that matter will live up to their given label. Luckily, all opinions/labels from adults were given to us in private. I feel my step daughter is street smart and knows how to play anyone who comes into her life. My husband and i have tried to be open with her birth mother but it does stop there. This girl is failing school, can not write- spell, claims she does not care about school or hygiene. Her mom does not make her shower, do homework, get outside, allow any friends over, or use the bathroom. Sorry but lets not talk about the periods that have started. She tells me her feelings, that she is scared of her mom, and hates her dad for leaving her with her mother in the first place. l have been teaching my husband to not punish her when she is honest but her kind of honesty is cruel. This is where my husband wants to give up on her. She really does not try on anything but messing her pants or with peoples heads.

Starla's picture

Oh darn, got to reading your posts which are neat yet true and responded on the wrong page..... This last post will be copied to and replied under Fear or Question... in the teenage step children section. Sorry for the confusion. lm really getting into these sites and think some of you people out there are rather cool. lol hope im not the only easily confused person around here.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I was working on the computer one day but my mind was on my SD who wants me dead, and I, in a fit of rage typed in "I hate my F...... step daughter, this site popped up. I found out I was not going insane, I was not evil, and most importantly I was not alone. I was reassured my feelings were normal. I learned so much from this site and my self esteem and personal growth are amazing just because I found out....................I was not insane, it was not ME that SK's actually do try to make your life a living hell and the more you try to placate them, the worse they get. That there are (some not all) SK's out there who treat a kindness as a weakness and they attack you as though you are some kind of wonded animal. I found this site about 3 weeks after I had finally gotten to the point where I told my SD never to come back to my home again and I was feelilng horrible about that, I had been tossing all the things she had said and done to me around and around in my head, I guess subconsciously trying to make it my fault so I could fix it. Thank God I found this site, thank God I found my mind. Thank God I made the right decision with the SD, there really are people in this world who are truly evil, they go under a nicer name, people who have no conscience. My SD is one of them.

herewegoagain's picture

I think many of us started with the same "we want to be better step-parents"...some of us were able to find this place while still wanting to be better step-parents and for some of us, we got here because it was too late and we were ready to kick somone's behind! lol And well, I think some that came here years ago hoping to be better, might have also realized that it never stops and that no matter how much you do, it seems like it is never appreciated. There are exceptions, but very few.

I think there should be a law that NO MAN should be able to remarry if he has kids and an ex, especially not with a single girl with no kids. Same for the crazy women. Also, if a man has to pay spousal support, so that the woman keeps the same standard of living as while married, she should also cook and clean for him, at the very least lol Wink

alwaysanxious's picture

I really needed a lot of help at first. I thought I was crazy. Now I realize even if I'm crazy, I'm not alone Wink

This place and the members have taught me so much.

Filly's picture

The BM drove me crazy. I had to wonder if I was the only one with the crazy BM. I look over the rest of my family like my cousins who has been married, divorce, and remarried that I can only name one cousin who is going through the same crap as I am and the rest of my cousins live peachy king lives that I wish I could have when it comes to skids and BM's. I have a friend who is married have step and bio kids and a nut job of a BM. We share stories, it helps a little. but how common was this crap I wonder. How much of this nutty crap is classic?

I learn that their seem to be a classic rule with BM's

the Golden Uterus syndrome.

1. They may divorce the man but because they had his kids they still think they are number one boss in his life. She says he does ( this leads me believe that the divorce decree was no more then papers to divorce him out of the bedroom and don't have to have sex with him anymore " unless she uses sex as a weapon" and that he is still obligated to come to her becking call when it comes to fixing her car, plumbing in her home, or anything else that is broken)

2. He is to never have a relationship. After the divorce. To the BM she thinks that His life and relationship is to be put on ice. However when it comes to her she can date, have relationships, and sex with anyone she wants to.

3. If he does have a relationship the BM will always be calling his cell phone every other day starting out talking about the kids then turning the conversation personal asking him questions about you? are you two having sex? where did you two meet? and you her mind games of playing his mind that you are a slut cause you are getting in between him and the kids.

4. in the BM mind she is the one that is suppose to get married first if ever. As long as she has not remarried the ex husband is not aloud to get remarried, if he dares to then she follows rules 1 and 3 again. She'll call use the kids by saying I need you to come fix my car and if he bulks on it, well ugh do you want your kids stranded? I have to go to work and take the kids to school. I guess you do not care for your kids since you will not come fix my car. She'll proceed to call him every other day and usually isn't kid related she is wondering how much info she can pull about the relationship.

5. If you have a child with him, she is instantly mad. She was suppose to be the only woman to have children with him. You should be ashamed of yourself for bringing another child by him into this world. She will also go into this delusional thought that her kids come first before anything else. She will let you know once he dies the property goes to her kids and that your kids will not have no part of it because her kids come first and she will also let you know if you have any kind of money or property and since you married him your stuff as well goes to her kids first, your kid will not get any of it.

6. If the BM rules are not followed and you make her mad or jealous, she will be up at the court house filing on anything to have the ex husband back in court ( these are BM's that usually know the loop holes of the law very well)

mel30's picture

This is really a super side Wink Also found it as i googled "i hate my step kid" It's sad to feel like this, things could have been so diff, but well the kids aren't making it easy for us as grown adults. The bm is always in your face and if something goes wrong no matter what it is - it's always you! OMW and dont you dare have a baby with her x.

mel30's picture

This is really a super side Wink Also found it as i googled "i hate my step kid" It's sad to feel like this, things could have been so diff, but well the kids aren't making it easy for us as grown adults. The bm is always in your face and if something goes wrong no matter what it is - it's always you! OMW and dont you dare have a baby with her x.

Ce_Anx's picture

I found this site when I was trying to find some information about step parenting.

While I have a few issues with how some of these step parents refer to their step children - I can understand their angst when it comes to how difficult it can be. I often think alot of people on here hold extreme views and it makes me wonder why they continue in their situation if they are so unhappy and angry. But, then I realise that I find myself in a slightly similar situation at times, and i guess having somewhere to just swear it out and be angry and vent without being judged is really what this place is all about.

Rhyleighblue's picture

9 Levels of Hell: Dante's Inferno

Dante Alighieri's 'Inferno' is the most recognized and popular non-religious description of hell and its various levels, and frankly he has done a great job! Written during the medieval period from 1307-1321, Dante Alighieri has brilliantly described the 9 stages of hell in simple and believable words, making the entire piece of work very approachable and amazingly convincing. Below are the different levels of hell described in 'Inferno' by Dante.

Ante Hell
Dante describes that he found himself in the woods through which he found a passing beneath an arch, through which he entered ante hell, and once he entered the arch, it couldn't be seen. The upper hell is also referred to as 'Nowhere' and is known to exist outside the Acheron river consisting of pitch black, heavily flowing water. Dante said that people who have failed to make any choices in life are found running in this place forever, trying to reach to an end which can't be reached, constantly bitten by invisible worms and insects, and stung by wasps. Dante also saw some bronze jars scattered in the mud with spirits of people trapped inside and faint voices seeking help. Dante also said that anyone who contacted river Acheron would be trapped forever in the freezing cold river, trying hard but unable to move making the experience quite uncomfortable and scary. Dante saw a ferry run by Charon, a tall old man with eyes like burning coal and long white beard, who carries everyone who wants to cross the river Acheron and go to the first circle of hell.

Level 1: The Limbo
The Limbo is the first circle of hell, consisting of pleasing white Mediterranean style villas and plain green fields, the air is clean and fresh, there is peace and beauty, but still there is a certain sadness in the atmosphere. This is so because the limbo is the place for people who are not exactly sinners. These spirits reside here because there was lack of hope and eternal believe in God. People who were born before the time of Christ, the un-baptized, the infants who still bear the burden of the original sin, etc., are the people who reside here. Dante was accompanied by Virgil, a famous Roman poet who also belonged to this circle. Dante saw many famous personalities like Caesar, Brutus, Socrates, Aristotle, and many classy poets and thinkers in this level.

Level 2: The Lustful
Dante explains the next level of hell as a place for those who sinned through their sexual lust excessively. All the souls that resided in this level were of those who gave their sexual passion and lust more importance than the love of God. Dante explains that these souls are punished by whirling eternally in a cloudy and murky air by a strong air current. The harsh winds lashes at these souls and they keep on spinning through the air in darkness endlessly. Dante saw the souls of great lovers like Helen, Cleopatra, Tristan, etc., in this level. He also saw the souls of unsuccessful lovers standing on the ground, trying to get caught in the gale.

Level 3: The Gluttonous
If you know what are the seven deadly sins, you would know that gluttony is one of them. The souls of the Gluttons who failed to utilize the gifts given to them by God in a meaningful and higher way, and wasted their lives in consuming excess and giving back nothing but garbage in their lives, are the ones who reside in the third level of hell. Dante describes this level as a gigantic garbage dump, the atmosphere being freezing with rain and stinking snow with the damned spirits lying in the freezing icy paste, swollen, and lewd.

Level 4: The Spendthrifts and The Hoarders
This level is for the people who were hoarding and wasting wealth and other necessary things all their lives without realizing the importance of sharing and saving. In this level, the souls are divided into two furious mobs, punished by carrying heavy boulder like weights on their back which represents the wealth that they accumulated in their life. The 2 mobs tend to clash with each other, with each side screaming , 'why hoard' and 'why waste'? These souls keep on rolling and pushing weights for eternity as punishments in never ending rage. Dante also saw the souls of some priests, popes, and cardinals who had extreme greed for material wealth rather than spiritual wealth.

Level 5: The River Styx
Dante describes this level to be covered by a thick fog with a stinking swamp which is ankle deep. The wrathful and the gloomy and depressed souls reside in this level of hell. These souls are filled with anger and wrath due to which they constantly keep on attacking other souls and at times bite themselves too. Dante also saw some bubbles forming in the slime which are supposedly the souls of the sullen and gloomy who failed to accept the spiritual awakening when they were alive and chose to stay in the gloomy and depressing darkness. Therefore, as punishment, these souls are buried under the stinking water of river Styx.

Level 6: The City of Dis
Level 6 is where you actually arrive to the city of Dis where reside the 'Arch-heretics'. These were the people who denied in the afterlife and the immortality of the soul. The city of Dis consists of huge iron walls and burning tombs all around the landscape. There is also a huge white marble mausoleum with slabs imprisoning an unbeliever with their birth and death date listed along with their name. There are groans, curses, whimpers, and rage noises coming from the tombs.

Level 7: The Violent
This level is meant for the spirits who sinned in violence. This level is divided into 3 circles according to the type of violence that one is condemned for. These circles are explained as under.1.The River Phlegethon: This ring is for the tyrants and the murderers, especially those, who in the form of homicide, malice, and destruction; incorporated violence not only in their own lives, but also made others suffer. This ring consists of river Phlegethon which consists of boiling blood and smells of strong fresh and clotted blood. As these people played with blood when they were alive, this level punishes them to be immersed in the boiling blood forever. The depth of immersion depends upon the degree of sin from ankle length to over the head. This level also consists of people for whom violence was a part of their duty and they happily enjoyed it. Dante also saw an island at this level consisting of officials who let the criminals loose on purpose, and also people who murdered due to a reason which can be considered 'justified'. These people are supposed to prevent the souls in the river from climbing the island. This is done by injuring the souls to an extent wherein they are too weak to fight, or too weak to be able to get up. So, although, they are not boiling in blood, they still are not in a happy or peaceful place.
2.Violence Against Self: The next ring in level 7 of hell consists of those souls who committed violence against themselves which includes, suicide, gambling, etc. The souls of the people who committed suicides are fastened in thorny trees with black leaves. These trees are constantly torn by Harpies, the overseers of these damned souls. When these creatures feed upon the damned souls by tearing and biting their leaves and limbs, the wounds in the tree bleed. Only when the souls encased in the trees bleed, can they speak and express their pain. The punishment is that these souls who destroyed their own bodies and the chance to express themselves when they were alive should be condemned to stay in human form, and should be given the chance to express themselves only when they bleed and get destroyed by the Harpies. You will also find the souls of people who destroyed their wealth in gambling running through the deep dark forest, chased by a group of wild dogs who tear them apart, when caught. A stream of River Phlegethon flows to this ring as well.
3.Violence Against God: The last ring of the 7th level of hell is for those who sinned in violence against God and nature. These are the souls of the blasphemers, sodomites, and usurers. The violent blasphemers against God are stretched naked with their face upward on the ground, with the burning rain pouring over them. They also shout and curse God. The sodomites wander in the hot sand for eternity, naked, and squatting with their arms. The usurers who were violent against art and nature lie crouching on the hot sand with concealed identity and money bags hanging from their necks. They wear fine dresses, the colors of which express their family shields but this signifies that they were so concerned with material goods that they ended up losing their actual identity.

Level 8: Malebolge
This level is for those who were fraudulent in their lives, who betrayed the people who put their trust on them. This level is divided into 10 bolge depending upon the kind of fraud and betrayal one has done.1.Panderers and Seducers: This is where the souls of the seducers and the panderers reside, even pimps, movie producers, emotional rapists are found here. These souls are condemned to walk endlessly driven by the lashes of tall horned ugly looking demons.
2.Flatterers: This bolge consists of the souls of advertisers and people who falsely flattered when they were alive. The structure of these souls are altered physically in such a way that whenever they speak, excrement comes out as their punishment.
3.Simoniacs: These are the people who corrupt the holy things. These souls are punished by laying upside down in a hole filled with oil. Only their feet is visible and the rest of the body is immersed in oil. The flames of fire pour on their feet. Simoniacs include the new age gurus claiming and 'selling' enlightenment, Pope Nicholas II, etc.
4.Fortune Tellers: This section consists of the fortune tellers, the soothsayers, and the sorcerers. They are punished by twisting their necks backwards so that they always move forward by moving backward. Even teachers who referred a slow reader as 'dyslexic' and predicting a child's educational future are found here.
5.Grafters and Barrators: Here lies the souls of the people who stole from the ones who trusted them, and those who took money adopting unethical ways. These souls are immersed in boiling pitch. They fear to take their heads out as the demons will tear them into pieces with their powerful claws and pitchforks.
6.Hypocrites: The sixth bolge of the eighth level is to punish the hypocrites. These souls wear heavy leaden robes and have hoods covering their eyes. They look defeated, weary and are in great pain. The punishment is to walk round and round in a narrow track for eternity. If the sinner stops to walk, the cloak becomes more hot.
7.Thieves: This is the widest bolge than all other in this level. These souls wander naked and are constantly attacked by snakes which when bite the souls, turn the souls into flames and ashes, after a few seconds, these ashes are again turned into shades and again attacked by the snakes. Many a time, the shade bitten by the snake turns into a human soul and the soul bitten turns into a snake. This keeps on happening resulting in unending chasing and attacks all the time.
8.False Counselors: All you can find in this bolge, are the bright flames burning all over the place. These flames are supposed to be the souls of the false counselors and therefore will keep burning like this for eternity.
9.Sowers of Discord, Scandal, and Schism: In the words of Dante, "And just as their sin was to rend asunder what God had meant to be united, so are they hacked and torn through all eternity by a great demon with a bloody sword. After each mutilation the souls are compelled to drag their broken bodies around the pit and to return to the demon, for in the course of the circuit their wounds knit in time to be inflicted anew."
10.Falsifiers: All the souls that have sinned falsifying in life, are plagued with all types of illnesses including STD's, rabies, leprosy, and are forced to drag themselves on the ground in order to move forward because their illnesses make them so weak.

Level 9: Cocytus
The last level of hell is meant for the traitors which also happens to be the place where Satan resides himself. Dante defines that the frozen pool of Coytus seems to be like a sheet of glass and the freezing breeze takes away all the warmth present in the atmosphere. These winds are from the wings of Satan flapping eternally to freeze the souls to chilling ice with their heads facing up and their eyes frozen with tears. Lucifer, the other name for Satan, has 3 faces colored, red, yellow, and black. Each of the face is chewing a famous traitor. The red face is said to chew the soul of Judas Iscariot, the black face is chewing Marcus Brutus, and the yellow is chewing Caius Cassius Longinus who took part in the conspiracy against Caesar.

So these were the different degrees of punishment in hell explained in the non religious description in Dante's Inferno. Before that, we also had a look in what the Bible had to say about hell. As mentioned earlier, these are all interpretations and attempts to know what happens when you die? What is the truth about hell or heaven? The reality is that no one can know this for sure, unless one experiences it on their own. Though reading and researching helps us make a picture or an assumption, the levels of hell, is yet again another mystery that will be solved in its own time. To conclude I would like to quote a saying by Saint Augustine,"It is my opinion that the nature of hell-fire and the location of hell are known to no man unless the Holy Ghost made it known to him by a special revelation", (City of God XX.16). Hope you enjoyed reading this write-up. By far, it was one of the most interesting articles I ever wrote as it made my mind ponder over things which can't be known, at least till the time our souls are in this body. The least we can do is read, research, and make efforts to be a good human being till the day of judgment.

whoa_nelly's picture

I love this site!! Its a safe place to ask advice, vent, and not feel like the wicked witch of the west. I found this sight looking for something on skids as well, thank gawd I did!