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are step parents always wrong or just told so?

Starla's picture

Hey all

I don't mean to be rude but I feel confused at times with being a stepparent. It seems that people go in circles here over this issue. My view with all kids in this day and age is nothing what it was like back when I was the stepkid of another. Skid or not why are kids now so protected that we are actually messing them up?? I hate saying we cause I personally have never raised one myself. My situation has became better then it was thank goodness but everytime I turned around..I was the one in the wrong I think cause I'm the stepparent. That aint right!!!

Before I was a stepparent and always wrong, kids loved me!!! Kids have quit coming over cause they fear my SD is around. Yet I'm wrong! What am I missing here? Are we wrong cause we married out of love? Are we wrong cause we wanted to be a role model at one point with good intention? Are we wrong cause we have thoughts of a human?? I'm honestly confused with the more I read and hear some people getting attacked over a question they had asked.

I wish you all would think about your answer before you jump down anothers throat. As far as I know, we have feelings too just like our I wrong? Don't know about you all but I for one am no longer going to be a victim to my SD's abuse cause she feels robbed in life. Its what we or "you" I should say are raising your kids to be like. I use to get into trouble when I did hurt another. Why is my SD allowed such lea way after she hurt me yet I'm wrong??? WTF have we lost our heads or what????

Now if we were smart and had some of the power that our kids this day and age get...we would make a skid boot camp or something to that effect. We would have rights as we earned as adults!!! GOD BLESS EVERY STEP PARENT WHO HAS A SOUL!!! I'm not feeling sorry for myself as I expect to be accused of just so you know but I do give my skids my all and I don't care that I'm still wrong anymore...I care that others get some credit somewhere somehow someday!!!

My mom brought something to my attention today and I'd like to share it. She asked me about the folks here about a what if question..rather interesting I thought. "what if" we had our skids read this site and let them see for themselves just how lucky some of them are. I laughed at her at first. After taking that thought in for a day, it made more sense then ever to me. I mean my Skids live their life running around feeling sorry for themselves but its the stepparents that get told that they are wrong. I hate the idea cause we need this place and a spot somewhere. Problem is, we are told that we are wrong even if we ask a question at times but its the kids who live life running around feeling wronged...... If we care enough to come here seeking help even in the form of venting then why are we left feeling like we made our skids sleep out in the cold with no food or water?

ambicakes's picture

My SD school was so determined to put blame on us for her behavior at school (her behavior at home improved), and they refused to allow us to help them. They said I could never do any of the meetings or speak much because I do not know the history of the child (In which I do, I have been friends with the DH for 6 years, together for 3). The school knew I was mostly in charge, but because I am the step-parent when I reached out, they refused to latch on for help. It sucks being a step-parent.

smdh's picture

My biggest frustration with this site is that some (not all) of the SM totally blame/hate the kid but LOVE the dh who allows the kid to behave so abhorrently. Yes, in some cases the kid has a mother who is PASing the hell out of the kid and the dh is afraid the kids will hate him if he uses discipline or has expectation. Still the kid bears the brunt of the hate.

How is that different than what the SM is doing? The BM hates the dh and the sm, she PASes the kids, the SM hates the kids, the dh coddles the kids. At the same time the SM nags but doles out no consequences to the dh for his role in allowing his kids to be dinks because she is, in turn, afraid he will hate her and leave her.

A lot of the stories on here scream of "The skid is ruining my life", when in reality you've chosen to marry someone who shares none of your values, treats you like dirt, expects free babysitting, and relies heavily on you for financial support". But you LOVE that person who has choices and hate a kid who really wasn't allowed to choose at all. I'm not knocking y'all. I get it. Love is powerful, which is why your dh's don't rock the boat with their kids. There is a whole lot of frustration that the dh won't dole out consequences to his kids, but not a whole lot of accountability for the SMs to dole out consequences to their dhs.

My skid is PASed. Her mother loves to tell her how horrible we are both directly and through other means. Skid thinks the world revolves around her and if you aren't kissing her ass you're mean. That is her attitude. That is what she learned. BUT in my house she keeps it in check. Why? Because my dh insists on it. Why? Because if he didn't I'd pack my shit and leave and he does not want that to happen.

stressed8's picture

I agree with you! Especially in my situation, my husband supports and believes his 8 adult kids before me. I can not say anything without it turning into an arguement-HE allows it, I suffer because maybe he has hidden guilt or something that I never saw coming-too late now, for me.I can tell him something, he won't believe me esp if it has to do with one of skids, but if one of the skids were to tell him the same thing, he believes it-doesn't mean he will do anything, but believes it. Their mom remarried and can do no wrong, but funny how she/and her new H won't let them move in-with them and mooch. I hate how the skids play both parents to see what they can get or how far they can go. They put whom ever "under the bus" to get forward but their parents do not see husband likes to say how you can "bend" (teach) a child while they are young, like a branch, but once it grows into a tree, there is no bending-so who is really to blame then? It shouldn't be put all on the step parent for the past of the bio parent(s), but for some reason, it is that hidden clause when we marry- not just love, honor, good and bad, ...they put in "support me on how I am with my kids regardless"

smdh's picture

As adults, they should know better, but they are still the product of their parenting.

It really is sad that these "parents" care more about their own feelings than about raising their kids in a manner that will benefit them in the real world. Sad

I couldn't love or respect my dh if he let his kid be an asshole. Seriously. He left his ex wife to get away from being treated like garbage, why would he allow his kid to continue the trend? He isn't perfect, but at least I know he is with me because he truly loves me and not because he wanted a maid, babysitter, whipping post for his kids.

Again, I am not knocking anyone here. I know it is hard to make a change. I know it is scary. And I don't know their entire lives. So I am not judging. Just giving people something to think about. People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. It is fine to blame their parents for letting them treat you that way, but ultimately you're allowing your dh to allow them to treat you badly.

Starla's picture

I put this post up for a few reasons. I'm want to understand each of you better and how/where your line of thought comes from. Why the drive to post reply's that has made others feel worse when they are just asking "what do I do about...?" and if we can try to not point fingers without giving constructive advice, I think that would help several others here. Mind you, I too have read tons of posts that are positive in reply, supportive of their problem at the time, and many that had helpful suggestions.

To each of you who do help others, you may have changed their lives and everybody in that family can benefit from it. I myself have been given advice that has put me in a whole new line of thinking bc it was touching just knowing that I was not going crazy and had been given suggestions that I tried. Though not all of them work, it only takes one change that can make or break a family.

You wondered if I had a bad day or was accused of something.. all to often yes! Had a bad day, no it was a good day.

Tell me please if this is normal, my current issue that I am dealing with. Ok, I have been living in this small town for like 14 years or so and I get along good with people. Done lots of babysitting and had a couple of jobs only blocks away. I think this town is dying off a little so job security is not the best that way here. Back to my issue-sorry! My friends come in all ages shapes and sizes. I have more friends that are kids but its always been that way for me. Since my SD lived here, things have been different. Kids come up to me when they see me walking and now ask "I heard___is back, is it true?" I assure them that its just a rumor but she is staying with her mom. They don't need to hear that SD is no longer going to be in this house anymore. Visits can be done elsewhere bc SD does have it out for me. I miss my good reputation, kids dropping by, and not being looked at like I'm contagious or something.

I deal with that and it makes me feel so alone here. SD has spread lies about her dad and I and we still from time to time hear about some of it. Now we want to start a family, will it get better or should we move first to start fresh with everybody? I don't want any of this to haunt an innocent child down the road. Not saying that we have been perfect bc that would be a lie. She has not lived here for the last 3 years now but had been here for visits and its not getting better with our small town outside world. I don't want to be told I'm wrong for the wanting of a family. What should we do in this given situation??

smdh's picture

Never put off your own wants in hopes that a situation will improve. You will regret it. You can't change your SD. Chances are she'll never change and there will always be something there to "haunt" your child. I wanted to be a mother. I could have waited, but truthfully, nothing with my situation is going to change. Yes, I have to parent in a way I shouldn't because I hate that SD's dysfunctional relationship with her mother bleeds into her relationship with my son - she tends to treat him the way her mother treats her. But I am happy.

Do what makes you happy. Deal with the rest as it comes.

lonlyconfusedguy's picture

I think society has perhaps turned single moms and dads into some kind of victims. A single mom deserves a good, mature, strong man to protect her and her kids. Meaning everything the bio mom does is for the benefit of the kid, if step father has any personal opinions, he crossed the line. This is something I really hate about being a potential step father.

I feel I have been backed into a corner and whichever way I turn, there is only dead end.