partner says I dont have a say in matter relating to him or his children
My partner has told me this week that when it comes to his children and him, I am not a part of it and I'm not their mother so back off. He appears to be referring to basic decision making in our household/life. (Where we live, what we do with our weeks on/off, money, food and sports) He also stated that I shouldn't care anyway seeing as I so easily come and go when it suits me and everything is always very convenient to me. I feel angry (if you cant tell) I'm not sure which part is convenient as he dumps his kids on me every weekend, walks out the door as if its normal to just go to work on the weekend without actually asking me if I had plans too. I also have moved across town so that we could live closer to the kids, I am often relied upon to pick them up from sports trainings and pack their lunches etc. Im not sure how my life is NOT involved? I live my life around everyone else and always put myself last. Give me a break.
He had previously gotten better with this stuff until earlier this week when the above "you're not part of it" comments started. His ex is quite manipultive and has always seemed to pull the strings. She doesn't like him taking me into account with things and usually makes a comments like "I hope you are still putting your kids first" just because we decide to do something for ourselves once in 5 years'. Last week he mentioned something about having to consider me and the kids too with regards to our her new schedule. Now this and I'm not even a consideration at all.
Im starting to think that during the week when they spoke about school (which is rare) she has possibly made a comment of some sort, and he has somehow bought into it. (She also has another partner and they have kids together) all of a sudden she is texting him about everyhting and anything relating to "the kids" and important topics we have all had issues with. When I query where things are at he says its none of my business which he never used to do. Then I find out they have spoken about it, and texted back and fourth. In the last 3 years he has barely spoken to her, and only sends texts about pick up or drop off. I snooped, and when I was reading her messages she was really trying to pump him up and make him feel over informed all of a sudden about things that arent even a big deal. The past 3 years she has ignored any form of mature communication with him and is unreasonable in everything. Now she is nice as pie, and he is telling me to butt out?? Has anyone had anything similar? Im feeling a bit deflated by it all.
Simple solution...
Give him exactly what he wants, which is no input/involvement with his kids whatsoever. It's called "disengaging" and if you look you will find a separate forum dedicated to just that.
From now on, don't do anything which is even remotely connected to his kids - don't watch them, don't feed them, don't use any of your money towards them, don't have conversations about them or the ex, and if you must cross paths with them - be civil but don't engage in any unnecessary talk with them.
Do this religiously for the next month, and by the end of that time you will have had time to mentally step back and clearly realize this "man" you are with is a waste of your time and you will dump him, his kids and his manipulative ex.
Leave him and find someone
Leave him and find someone who does want you to be a part of their life and not just a convenience to be used.
He's not much of a partner. I
He's not much of a partner. I would either leave or completely disengage from the kids. He doesn't get to have your help if you have no say in anything skid-related.
Well - you DON'T have a say
Well - you DON'T have a say in what happens with his kids, per se, except you sure have a say in where you live and should have a say in any changes in the visitation schedule that affect you.
This guy sounds like a jerk, not a partner. If you get no say in anything, then no more watching his kids for him. As the others said, time to disengage from the skids.
Oh, I would absolutely NOT be
Oh, I would absolutely NOT be a part of it. Any of it, including a relationship with him.
Time to start putting you
Time to start putting you first. I agree. Sounds like your dh needs some of his own medicine. I wouldn't cook any meals, no cleaning other then your own mess, and start being selfish to. I'd make everything all about me. I'd tell him ahead of time before he goes to work who's babysitting the kids ...I mean ..Just like You Said..it's none of my business....Just disengage from him and the kids ...I know how it feels and its Damn stressful ...your the number one priority now
This is a DH issue. Forget
This is a DH issue. Forget the skids, forget the ex.
He is telling you that your opinion is not important. Not only that but you have no opinion at all.
Why would you want to live that way?
I wouldn't disengage from skids because they aren't the problem. I would disengage from the relationship entirely.
Sit down and have the hard conversation. I either matter or I dont. You can either put me first or not at all. We will make decisions involving our entire life together or there is no we.
You might not like his responses but why waste another minute with a man who has put you aside and rules your life. No way. Stand up for yourself and don't let this guy walk all over you.
Not a chance
As others have suggested, it is time to stop doing anything with or for his children. I personally do not deal with any children that I do not have a level of control or authority over and I would not live with any children in the situation you have described. How, pray tell, does your DH deal with everyone else on the planet that has to deal with his children, for example teachers, doctors, school crossing guards, babysitters, the in-laws, etc. When they misbehave, does he or his former wife drop everything they are doing to deal with them, or does he let other trusted adults deal with them. Your not so DH is telling you that he does not trust you, and that would seem to be a relationship dealbreaker, at least to me. I wish you luck in sorting this out.
I always felt that if you are asked to
Takecare, babysit,cook, spend your money on SK. You have a say. If your dealing with 50/50. Then you have an equal say. If BM and BF want all the say. They should either stay together. Or not have partners. If your SO feels this way then disengage. No taking of SK, no cooking, cleaning, taking them anywhere. That may not be good for your marriage. But being treated like sh*T is not good for your marriage either
If his ex doesn't usually
If his ex doesn't usually talk to him and try to coparent I feel like this is a setup or she wants something and he's buying into it. If I were you I'd step back and focus on yourself and let things run their course. I'm sure it won't be long before they disagree on something and everything goes back to normal. When this happens don't go back to your old relationship with him unless he recognizes that he set you aside because his ex fed him a bunch of bs.
Do not put up with his
Do not put up with his selfish sick treatment of you. You have nothing to do with his kid responsibilities as it appears he sure does not mind you caring for his kids when it is convenient for him!!!!
This guy is just using you. He will keep doing it as long as you allow.
Good luck....
Your home, your relationship,
Your home, your relationship, you are equity partners, you are also equity parents to any children in your relationship home so what you say goes. Not what DH says.
So, give him clarity and tell he and his spawn to GTFO. See how he takes that mandate since he seems to like to give mandates.
smh.
Save yourself from this shallow and polluted gene pool and put them all on the curb.
Enjoy the rest of your life without them.