Skids doctors appointment with ex
Recently my partner told me he couldn’t attend the first scan for our first baby because it was booked right in the middle of the day (only time they had left) and he would have to talk half a day off work to attend. I knew how busy he was so I let it go and said I would call afterwards. He was happy and said if I make all of the other scans first thing in the morning he will be there. Noted.
2 weeks later he tells me the skid (7) has an appointment to see a specialist with his mother. Then I overhear him asking the skid on the phone if “he wants dad to come with him” I’m not sure if he thinks I didn’t hear that, because afterwards laying in bed he was playing it down and saying that the skid had begged him to go and he is trying to get out of it because he is so busy at work and would have to take the whole day off, but he thinks BM has made a big deal and got skid scared so now he is asking for dad to go too. Of course the next day he hardly worked and drove over an hour to be there with skid and BM and didn’t go back to work.
I am quite upset because he couldn’t be there for me and the baby’s first scan, but he goes running for skid even though he was perfectly fine at the doctors with his mother.
Whats worse, I couldn’t help but peek at his phone because I didn’t believe him. In fact, the first he knew of it he had offered to attend and take the day off work as soon as she mentioned the appointment. He had also again offered to take more time off work and attend the follow up when the kid goes to get a needle a few days later, but she said it wasn’t necessary and that he was fine (again, BM was going to be there anyway)
Im hurt he had gone out of his way and was the one who forced his way to be there, yet has told me it was all BM and the skid and that he had been roped in, and yet so easily left me to go alone to the scan because work is too busy. I don’t think I can tell him I can peeked but I’m so angry and upset.
I would be pissed. I wanted
I would be pissed. I wanted DH at all of my ultrasounds not just to make him more a part of the process, but what if they found something was wrong?
How serious is this appt for skid? That kind of determines how I would judge the rest of it.
Hi, the appointment was for
Hi, the appointment was testing for food allergies.
I'd be hurt and pissed, too.
I'd be hurt and pissed, too. Your very first ultrasound of your baby is special and can't be repeated. Of course you want the father there. I'd probably admit to him I peeked at his phone because it all seemed so strange and hurtful and tell him how you feel. However, it's possible your DH is feeling conflicted about trying to balance being there for the SK and you/the new baby and needs to work through it. Lying to you is not acceptable.
At least your DH is consistent
At least your DH is consistent in always putting his kids with BM over his child with you. He has already said they will attend private school and your child won't. You need to stop this behavior now, or it is only going to get worse. He should fear your reaction to something way more than BM's - and that is not how it is now. He is perfectly willing to put her needs and wants in regards to his children with her ahead of your needs and wants in regards to your child. I'm sorry he is behaving this way towards you.
Wow. I guess you know where
Wow. I guess you know where you stand. I wouldn't be silent. Let him know you know and hold his feet to the fire. Your baby could soon be the one he is desperately trying to connect with like SK because he can't prioritize!
Ridiculous. I always picture
Ridiculous. I always picture the nurse checking families like this in and then rolling their eyes and whispering to the doctor, "It's one of those families, you know - the ones where both parents are here."
Why do both parents need to sit around for allergy testing? Oh right - they don't.
You need to have it out with him.
"Why do both parents need to
"Why do both parents need to sit around for allergy testing? Oh right - they don't."
The same can be said for prenatal visits. Heck, truth be told the only folks NEEDED for a delivery are the mom and doctor or midwife. LOL
Both parents attend minor doctor visits because they simply want to be there
I'm wondering how the OP's SO and BM's relationship ended. This guy moves like a man that regrets that his previous relationship is over.
Both the OP and BM need to take a long, hard look at this guy. He's a liar and a manipulator. Had the OP not overheard the conversation and looked at his phone, he would have her thinking that BM guilted/manipulated him into attending.
BM shared the info about the visit with him and assured him that he didn't need to attend. He turns around and lies about her.
This guy is not to be trusted.
To me, a prenatal visit (an
To me, a prenatal visit (an ultrasound, anyway) - is much different than allergy testing in it's importance to at least one party - in this case, the mother.
I will never see the need for both parents to go to a doctor's appointment, nor do I know anyone except guilty parents or parents who are fighting over custody that do it.
"I will never see the need
"I will never see the need for both parents to go to a doctor's appointment"
Then try going to a pedi visit with twin toddlers (or babies) by yourself LOL Yes, it can be done but it's much more efficient and comfortable when you're both there
duplicate, sorry!
duplicate, sorry!
This isnt just a prenatal
This isnt just a prenatal visit though - it's the first ultrasound. Sometimes you find out pretty big things good or bad from that. Plus who wouldnt want to experience seeing their baby for the first time with the other parent?
My DH didn’t come to a single
My DH didn’t come to a single prenatal appointment, nor did I ask him to bc it’s just a routine check in. But he was at all scans, because that’s completely different & he wanted to be there.
I agree this guy isn’t to be trusted, but comparing their child’s first scan to an older child’s doctors appointment? Apples & oranges.
So your DH can take two days
So your DH can take two days off work for allergy appointments but not for your baby’s first scan? And skids get to go to private school because BM ‘wants to be a private school mum’ whilst your DH foots the bill, and yours goes to public school because ‘you’re not fussy’?
Girl, starting being effing fussy. There’s a queen in your home & right now it’s not you. It’s BM.
Your DH is still enmeshed with the woman, I’m not entirely convinced he’s just doing this ‘for the kids’, it seems there are unresolved issues between him & his ex, and it’s completely unfair to you. So speak up! Create some boundaries, because right now they’re well being trampled & you & your unborn child are bearing the brunt of your husbands bad choices. Not ok. He needs to sort himself out, put those boundaries in place & be the queen in your own home!!
Is there any possibility that
Is there any possibility that he was very busy at work the week of your scan, but not as busy when the skid went for allergy testing? I know my DH has weeks that are much worse for taking time off than others - he never made it to any of my scans, but he doesn't get paid if he's not working, so that was fine with me.
If that's not possible, I'd probably sit him down to discuss it and let him know that showing a preference for skids is not going to be acceptable to you.
Not at all, he has been the
Not at all, he has been the same amount of busy and in fact since attending the two appointments he has called me a number of times from work the next day panicking about the deadlines he can’t now meet.
Have you said anything to him
Have you said anything to him? Or do you just stew in silence?
In that case, it's time for a
In that case, it's time for a discussion about his priorities. Make sure he is crystal clear on your expectations.
I do speak to him. Last week
I do speak to him. Last week I spoke to him about priorities. He usually gets angry and defensive. After getting nowhere then I start to stew/vent here!
So let him get defensive &
So let him get defensive & angry. Hold your ground, don’t let him bulldoze you because he doesn’t like that you’re calling him out on his sh*t.
Too bad.
He’s the one making these choices so he gets to deal with the aftermath, which includes an upset wife when he puts the holy first family before his wife and unborn child the way he did.
If you don’t hold your ground though he’ll continue to do these things, so let him get mad. He’s a big boy & he can deal with his emotions. Why should you or your baby bear the brunt of his mistakes?
(Or sometimes I start to
(Or sometimes I start to second guess myself) but I am aware this could just be him gaslighting me too...
No need to delve into the
No need to delve into the peeking thing. But, it is time to sit DH down and give him clarity by rubbing his nose in his double standard bullshit.
1. "You were all about not missing work for our first ultrasound but then I heard you begging the Skid to go to his appointment then proceeded to lie to me about how he was begging you to go to his appointment. You took the day off work for that bullshit."
2. "You commited to the Skid to take time off work for his shot."
3. THE POINT. "You are married to me, we are having a family together. The Skid lives with BM and SHE is responsible for his doctor visits and will be there with the Skid. If you ever again pull that bullshit with me you can pack your bags and GTF out. I will nail your ass to the wall for CS for OUR child and then you will damned sure take off whatever time is neccessary to attend every appointment for our child while you pay me CS for your lying bullshit and lack of balls to man up with your first XW."
Give him the very clear message that his bullshit ends immediately and will not stand with you.
Do not let him say a word until you are done. Then do not tolerate any defensive avoidance bullshit from him. Keep him focused on explaining to you why he is trying to bullshit you and why he has a double standard. No excuses, no avoidance. You define the discussion and you control it. Make sure that if he walks out of the discussion he understands the only place he will be walking is out the door.
You are in for a lifetime of ball-less, manipulative, lying crap if you do not get this waste of partner and parental skin under control immediately.