Birthday Disappointment Vent
It’s my birthday weekend, and no matter what I do, he doesn’t bother to celebrate it and doesn’t tell the kids either. On his birthday he always want to take this kids out and celebrate. I always arrange it and make him a cake, get him a present from the kids and myself. On his kids birthdays I make the cakes and always make sure they feel special.
Why is my birthday non existent? He didn’t even get me anything himself. I can help feeling helpless and worthless in this relationship. To top it’s off, all weekend he has spent his time out on his own with his kids. The least they could have done is take me to breakfast or something! Anyone considering becoming a step parent. Just don’t. The absolute hurt when you watch them fuss over each other like a family unit and then you don’t even get a look in anyway let alone your birthday is soul destroying. Maybe I’m being OTTand maybe it’s my pregnancy hormones. But I’m so hurt and lonely.
This is terrible. It will not
This is terrible. It will not get better. Why do you love a man like this?
Start making an exit plan. Do you want your baby to be treated like this? I can almost guarantee he will not fawn over your shared child like he does his.
Don't let your child grow up feeling less than.
That is my worst nightmare.
That is my worst nightmare. Our child being treated like this too. I don’t know whether to leave now, or wait and see if anything changes when our baby arrives. I couldn’t stand to let my baby hurt like I do.
This isnt a just a step parent thing...
Yes your step kids have ignored your birthday - shitty of them for sure!! But whats worse is your partner!!! He did nothing, nothing at all??? Why are you with him for?
I am sorry your birthday was ruined, please dont let him or them ruin another one for you!!
He did nothing, then said “I
He did nothing, then said “I thought you would have said if you wanted to do something....what do you want to do then?” I told him this is part of the issue. I shouldn’t have to plan my own birthday! It’s one day where all I want is for him to do something nice for me off his own back and he hasn’t even done that. Instead he has fussed over his kids the entire wknd. I told him that I’m sick and tired of being excluded from this so called family unit by him, and that I can’t understand how he wants to celebrate 3/4 of the birthdays, everyone except me. I feel like a pathetic martyr. I just wish he would have made half an effort or got me something.
Gaslighting
This type of dialog is used by covert narcissists to make you feel guilty for their negligence. Covert Narcissists don't learn by having logical conversations or trying to instill compassion in them. One of their main focuses is their self-image to others. They learn by consequences and the impression they give to everyone instead of you. On your next birthday, if you are still married to this jerk, make yourself a cake, buy yourself a nice present, and invite friends over.
Covert Narcissists also 'punish' through passive-aggressive behavior. It appears you want to stay married to this man so be prepared for a lifetime of vigilance and fighting a battle to save your self-worth, and that of your child.
Happy Birthday!!
Can tell you from experience it isn't going to get any better. Think about the 'message' you want to give to your child. Is it going to be that you are unworthy or a confident human being who knows they matter? Save up for a better life.
My birthday weekend is 100% skid free, we go somewhere to
Recharge. If ss comes home so be it but we do not alter our plans nor invite him for those getaways. I don’t do flashy parties etc, i’m happy me and hubby and our toddlers going for a mini getaway for a few days. My kids are tolerable, hubbies are not and would make my bday celebration weekend about a non-stop rant fest of bio mum and stepdad.
Who wants to deal with that??
this is how it should be. If your husband or partner can’t even make an effort to plan something private for you 2, he doesn’t care or respect you!! It doesn’t have to be over the top, but he needs to show you matter, even a nice dinner out i’m sure you’d appreciate (of course should be skid free if they treat you like shit) and just the two of you having a romantic time together
The kids are not too bad. If
The kids are not too bad. If they knew they would atleast see good reason to eat cake! He just doesn’t even bother to tell them. He claims he is a stupid man, but I’m not sure how many hints need to be dropped.
I agree with him.
I agree with him.
Well maybe a yearly calendar where important dates are
marked like birthdays and wedding anniversaries are in order or an alert on his phone a month and a week before etc are in order.
thats a cop out saying he’s stupid and forgot, it makes you feel worthless to him
He certainly didn’t forget!
He certainly didn’t forget! He just chose not to do anything, and said he thought I would have told him if I wanted to do something. I suppose I’m also supposed to tell him to go and buy me a gift! That’s just awkward. I said that all I wanted and expected was an effort in whichever way that was. I think if he cared at all, this would happen naturally, like it does for his kids. As soon as it’s their birthday he is going overboard. So I suppose in his heart he just doesn’t care about me. Only himself and his kids. Until one day I’m gone...
Thats just bad manners, bad etiquette and damn disrespectful
heck my ss when it happens to be a birthday while we are on holiday visiting hubbys family, hubby will at restaurant order some cake and staff at restaurant sing happy birthday. I don’t sing anything or clap or wish happy birthday.
for starters he’s never appreciated anything i do, he has tried to have daddy take him and his sisters (full soblings) on holiday during our wedding anniversary where me, my 2 kids with hubby are not invited. Thats not a holiday hubby will ever entertain because hubby has said he knows how wrong that is on so many levels.
when its my bday we are planning a getaway etc but i always take the initiative to plan stuff so we get good deals and not waste money unnecessarily.
Your husband is an ass. He doesn’t need to be told to do something special for you. Heck little kids in kindergarten or preschool are taught to make a card or something special for their parents for mothers and fathers day. You telling me your husband is too dumb and inconsiderate that he doesn’t feel he did anything wrong.
So next time he wants to do fancy over the top birthday celebration for skids, “great hubby enjoy the planning and preo!!” When hubby looks at you confused “what do you mean? You’re actually doing the cooking” this is where you respond sarcastically with “oh no no no... see you made an executive decision to do this party and since you do not care about me, you sort out everything!!! I’m going to a spa to destress and when i come home it better be spotless!!! Don’t care who cleans up you, skids or both, but i ain’t cleaning your mess”
stand your ground with that and do not feel guilty when he sulks for several days in silence or gaslights you. Trust me if he isn’t dumb but just inconsiderate, one of these situations will give him a good kick up the arse to change
Does your DH ever prioritize you?
Does your DH ever prioritize you? Based on your previous posts, it doesn't seem like you ever come first. To be honest, he sounds like a jerk. You have every right to feel hurt and lonely, they are valid feelings - don't blame them on your pregnancy.
Good point. Not really. This
Good point. Not really. This is just another thing to add to an ever growing list. I ended up telling him I was hurt and he was dumbfounded. He then finally took me out this arvo with the kids, but I shouldn’t have to ask, and he got me nothing. Still not good enough!
Firstly YES you are a martyr.
Firstly YES you are a martyr. Why in the world do you make a fuss of OH on his birthday while he treats you without thought? I would do nadda. I would then use the worst excuses possible for the oversight.
I would be booking myself into a hotel with room service to treat myself sans OH&skids.
Happy birthday. Celebrate by
Happy birthday. Celebrate by giving yourself a fresh set of divorce papers from this asshole.
Btw, my birthday was two weeks ago and there was no celebration. My dad had surgery that day and I was at the hospital with he and mom.
SS did text me an HBD message and my bride did call me and wished me HBD. Mom and dad did remember at one point.
I was just fine with all of that. Dad's surgery went well which is the only gift I wanted.
Find a partner who loves and cares about you.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
As I get older, the more I've learned to take the day of my birthday to celebrate me. I used to always work on my birthday and never made much of a big deal of it. My first year of being a stepparent my birthday was HELL for reasons much like you're describing here. After that year I decided no more! My birthday is about me and dammit I'm going to celebrate it the way I want. So now I take the weekend (or even the week) off and it's all about me. I usually go somewhere and make sure skids are with BM or grandparents, because I want it just me and DH.
You are valuable and soooo worthy of having your birthday and your existence celebrated! Shame on them and especially DH for not acknowledging it or doing something for you. I encourage you to do something for yourself to celebrate your birthday and acknowledge that it is special. It is something you're worthy and deserving of.
Wishing you a very Happy Birthday !
give back what they give you
give back what they give you .... nothing ! Stop doing things for their birthdays , stop with making them cakes and buying gifts. Go and buy yourself something nice for your birthday and dont worry about their inconsiderate selfish ways
Mommy Dearest
As a married man, you should really leave this guy. Doesnt even acknowledge your Bday? Im curious on how this past xmas or even vday went. Idk how much you do for kids or how old they are but it seems like he was looking for a mother for his kids and not a wife. And has it ALWAYS been like this? If it has how do you even love him? Doesnt even tell the kids to give you a lazy "happy bday"? As a man hes supposed to make you feel special. Im serious, you should leave this guy. Its not a bad thing to love and spend time with kids BUT its his duty to make you feel special good luck
Vday I got nothing. He made a
Vday I got nothing. He made a side comment about how stupid it is. To an extent I agree. BUT based on the situation of a stepparent, you don’t get to have Mother’s Day or Fathers Day so I may be wishful thinking, but Vday and bday should be another chance to give some appreciation to step parents. Xmas I did alright and he got me a pretty good gift. Last Xmas I got nothing....it’s fairly hit or miss and inconsistent really! maybe it goes with the level in which he cares at the time....so currently he couldn’t care less. I don’t know.
Sad
It's sad he is such a jerk. As time goes by these 'little' incidences of 'jerk behavior' are NOT forgotten. They don't go away. They just pile on top of one another. The inconsistency is part of his program to control you. Take some time alone to think what this is going to be like in the future. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?
Have you talked to your DH
Have you talked to your DH about this? Some guys can be clueless and not be aware of stuff like this. If he is aware and just doesn't care, you have to decide if he's the right man for you.
The reason why nothing is
The reason why nothing is done is that the party planner neglected to do it. You have fallen into that role.. you plan for "everyone".. he has developed a laziness there.. or always had it.
Unfortunately, sometimes we DO need to as for what we want.. I'm not necessarily saying it's gaslighting for him to say that to you.. he probably is a bit surprised you were hurt because you would have planned something if you wanted it.. in his viewpoint.
Now... the kids not recognising it? I don't know.. if you don't have an otherwise great relationship.. I can see not expecting that.. but of course I wouldn't go out of my way to do things for them in the future either. it can and should be a 2 way street..
The kids are only small, they
The kids are only small, they weren’t to know. I just expected him to tell them or something and explain that we would all do something together to celebrate, or have cake. They love cake. I do have a good relationship with his kids. They are not in any way at fault.
I usually harrumph and
I usually harrumph and grumble about VD being a Halmark Holiday. I make a big deal out of Groundhog's day as the romantic holiday that I celebrate.
Then.... I make a big deal out of VD as well.