Parents Job To Support Adult Offspring?? LOL
SD24 has moved back “home” after graduating college, SD20 has essentially lived at her boyfriend’s house for the last two years but apparently they are in a fight so now I’ve had the “pleasure” of having her around. SD20 takes a class here and there, although I suspect she never actually goes to class and doesn’t keep her typical 2-3 hour per week job more than a couple of months because “they are mean to me”.
So the two of them SD20 and SD24 have completely reverted into high school summer vacation mode. All they do is sleep, then lie around MY house watching TV, eating MY food, drinking MY beer, leaving dirty pots and pans and dishes everywhere. Last night I came home from work to see a “grocery list” that SD20 has left for Mommeeee. With all her demands, including makeup.
I blew my stack!!! These are ADULTS, living rent free in MY home, don’t lift a finger to do anything, aren’t working, and living a life of leisure on MY dime! I confronted DW on it, saying that I was not going to revert back to life as if we had two high school kids on summer vacation at home. She laid into me saying “they are still kids and don’t live on their own.” “It’s our job to take care of them and provide for them, and I’ll buy them anything they want, cook anything they want for them and they are welcome in THEIR home forever!”
DW further went on to say that I am the one with the problem! She said “it’s not okay” for me to say I’m not supporting them anymore. I’m wrong???? What??? What happened to NORMAL parenting when parents raised their kids to become strong independent adults? Yes, when full time students I completely understand some financial support but when I was that age, I worked, paid for my own car, and was very independent! Am I out of line here???
No, you are not out of line,
No, you are not out of line, she's coddling and enabling her adult kids, which is why they are acting the way they are. If they are living at home at all, they should be paying rent and taking care of all of their other expenses. You know - working full-time.
Does your DW work? Is your money combined?
Oh dear lord!! That was my
Oh dear lord!! That was my question does your DW work and do you combine your money??
DW works very part-time
DW works very part-time meaning 10 hours or less a week and it’s only $15/hr.
I am essentially the sole bread winner but because we are a community property state, legally half of everything I make is “hers”.
I am in a community property
I am in a community property state as well but that doesn't mean you have to support your DW's adult snowflakes. That is a bunch of crap. I am facing the same problem with my DH however his kid's are 12 and 14 years old. Stand your ground your skids are adults!!
Wow your DW is crazy and out
Wow your DW is crazy and out of line!!
I am not much older than your OSD and yet I have a full time job and own a house.
Your OSD graduated college. She should have her own apartment and be working. At the very least if she needs a little support while finding her footing, she needs to have a job and be paying some type of rent.
Same thing for your YSD. Fine she is in school but that doesn't mean she can't work and pay for her own things.
Neither of them should be mooching and living like slobs in your home. they can live like slobs in their own homes.
On what planet does your DW think a 24 year old is still a kid?? When will she no longer be a kid? 30? 40?
Apparently "forever"
Apparently "forever" according to what she told him!
Me too. Truthfully, my
Me too. Truthfully, my parents had a good income and did pay my tuition and room and board in college for which I was very greatful. However, I worked FULL TIME in the summers as well as weekend and breaks. The Monday after my college graduation on Saturday, I started work FULL TIME and never looked back. The short time I lived back at home before I found a roommate and an apartment, I did not expect my parents to cook for me, do my laundry or give me a dime. I didn’t pay rent to them but I sure paid for everything else and I’m a better person for it!
That’s “normal” parenting, not this helicopter parent coddling in perpetuity DW subscribed to.
No More ATM
What are they going to do if you shut down the ATM? If your wife wants to support the kids, she should do it with her own money.
Maybe if it was her own money she wouldn’t be so ready to hand it over. The makeup would make me lose me lose my ish. It’s a luxury for me and I have to budget for It.
You are absolutely not out of
You are absolutely not out of line.
Oh my God, I would lose it and it would not be pretty. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, I can't even imagine.
Living with people is hard. Even harder when everyone you live with is taking advantage of you.
We keep telling you how
We keep telling you how screwed up in the head your user wife is, how wrong and dysfunctional her relationship with her kids is, and how unacceptable her abuse of you is. This is all crazy crap parenting at your expense, but your wife seems to think she owns you and can exploit your income. And you keep taking it, so perhaps she's right.
Have you taken any of the advice we've offered over the past year? Separated finances? Talked to a divorce attorney? Looked into moving to a smaller place?
You’re right, I clearly am
You’re right, I clearly am being used and clearly divorce is really the only solution. I think about it all the time and have come very close to pulling the trigger but I already feel so beaten down and emotionally drained it’s a hard next step to take.
Yes, it IS hard to do
Yes, it IS hard to do anything when you are so miserable.
Make a list of the things you CAN do. Pick one. Take a big breath and do it.
I don’t think you are a weak guy. Just beaten down. The beatings will continue until you get yourself back on your own independent feet.
Has there been any change
Has there been any change since you last posted? Separate finances man, at a minimum! If she wants to support her grown assed kids that’s up to HER. You dont have to pony up for that crap, at this point FlyBoy you’re doing this to yourself. Your wife is using you, but you’re allowing her to. Nothing will change until you’ve decided you’ve finally had enough.
Why would your wife think
Why would your wife think that her kids should do anything for themselves when she managed to bag a husband to do it all for her? If you told her she could quit her job tomorrow, she'd never work another day in her life. She's teaching her daughters the EXACT SAME THING she lives by, which is to allow others to take care of them.
While your wife is a problem, so are you. File for divorce, give her the half she's entitled to by state law, and leave this disaster. Even if you had to give her half, my guess is that you'd recover financially pretty quickly and be better off in the long run than if you stayed.
The sooner you file, the less she and her daughters will get from you
Why would your wife think
Why would your wife think that her kids should do anything for themselves when she managed to bag a husband to do it all for her? If you told her she could quit her job tomorrow, she'd never work another day in her life. She's teaching her daughters the EXACT SAME THING she lives by, which is to allow others to take care of them.
While your wife is a problem, so are you. File for divorce, give her the half she's entitled to by state law, and leave this disaster. Even if you had to give her half, my guess is that you'd recover financially pretty quickly and be better off in the long run than if you stayed.
The sooner you file, the less she and her daughters will get from you
I haven't read your past
I haven't read your past posts, but your wife is totally wrong. It's fine for you to say that you're not supporting *her* kids anymore...you were never obligated to support *her* kids in the first place, they are her responsibility.
I know plenty of people from middle class families who were expected to pay their own way through college, so they were working, all the time. There seems to be no reason why your SDs couldn't be out there making money in order to support themselves.
That sure is a difficult situation
That sure is a difficult situation and I am sorry to say it is not likely to change unless you put your foot, wait no both feet hands and mind and soul down and say NO!! This stops here!!! First set aside the fact that they are adults and not your responsibility BUT she is also doing them no favors by not making them GROW UP!!!
Your house even if it is only half yours as you mentioned by laws of your state, the kids pay nothing and therefore I don't care who they are related to they have no right to live there and mooch off you!! It is not their house!!! Since their mother doesn't see any of this situation as wrong that is why I say it is not likely to change. You have a right to decide who lives in your house and I am sorry but both people who own the home need to be in agreement on who lives there.
They should have been working at least part time while in college and started learning right there and then how to start taking care of themselves. Then by the time they graduate they would be ready to go out on their own and pay their way. Our generation did!! I don't get all of this nonsense about kids coming back to live with their parents to save money after their parents more than likely paid for college wasn't that enough?? What about the parents finally being free to pay their own bills and save for their retirement or retire?? I think it is all wrong!!!
They need to grow up and I am sorry to say but so does your wife!!! She doesn't even support herself and wants you to support adult kids too.... Shameful!!
I don't know the history on your story but I am sorry you have to go through this!! I would loose it if my husband thought either of his kids were ever going to live with us!! Not in a million years!! No adult kids come back ever!!!
I agree with the others -
I agree with the others - separate your finances ASAP. Cut-off the money train and see if DW changes her tune. I bet she does.
Oof. This SD sounds like a snowflake, and I don’t throw around that term lightly.
OMG this is my biggest fear
OMG this is my biggest fear for my Skids. I have 3 teen daughters myself but they are independent and will be ready to go to school and get a job and become adults......skids not so much. As I've mentioned before, SD almost 17.....acts about 7 and can't even do her laundry or make herself a dinner plate. I am so scared that she and her younger sister will be exactly how you posted.
The only good news for me is that BM doesn't want her kids to grow up or ever leave her.....so maybe and hopefully they just live with her and don't get any ideas of living at my house as adults. I plan to move to another state or at least another town farther away when these kids go off to college......in 6 years i am DONE withe drama and it's going to go away even if I have to move out of the country. We have a shared 1 year old and I refuse to have her spend her life mixed up in the craziness.
Your Wife...
Is there some physical or other reason as to why she can't work more?
Does DW have access to your bank account? If so, what has stopped you from transferring your paycheck into your own account? You can still contribute to your home (mortgage, bills), but beyond that, there is nothing forcing you to hand the rest over to DW.
Would your wife divorce you
Would your wife divorce you over it? Because I would do everything in my power to make their stay absolutely, 100% miserable.
There's a ton you could do. Change the wifi password, disconnect the HVAC unit (get a window unit for your room), play extremely loud music constantly, find a nice hidden corner of their rooms, and conceal some raw fish that would cook over time.
The world is your oyster here, especially if you don't like them. Have fun with it.
The only way I can even
The only way I can even imagine this being at all acceptable is if your wife was working full time and paying her and her kids share to live there. Even then, ehhh. The skids should at least be working. They need to come up with a plan for how they are going to save money and get out on their own. I would also separate my finances, if they aren't separate already. I would not contribute one dime of my hard earned money to her kids.
So apparently what I just
So apparently what I just learned is my parents should still be supporting me... The things you learn! Gonna go tell them they didn't have to push me to be independent at 18 since I'm allowed to mooch into the eternities!
I don't think that you need
I don't think that you need to be so quick to pull the trigger on getting a divorce like so many people on here are suggesting you do. There's many other things that you can try to do before that. Marriage isn't something that you just give up on so quickly before throwing in the towel. You made vows to this woman, as she did to you. Can you at least try marriage counselling first? Try splitting your finances? Try everything humanly possible so that if it actually does come down to divorce, you can at least say that you tried everything? Your wife is not being fair to you, but it doesn't sound like you're actually getting through to her either. I hope you're able to figure it out though. I'd definitely be taking some of the advice you're being given on here, just not the ones who are quick to jump to divorce. You married this woman for a reason. Remember that. At the same time, you appear to be being used. You need to sit down with someone else, and your wife and discuss this. You shouldn't be responsible for raising her ADULT children unless you want to. Hell, when I moved back home at 19, my own parents made me pay rent, so it's not absurd that you want them to work and cover their own bills.
I would cut DW and her spawn
I would cut DW and her spawn off from all financial support. See how they like starving and not having utilities.
smh