Supporting SKs Financially
I've posted before on similar issues, but wanted to address a specific incident or more correctly argument I'm having with DW.
A little background. DW and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2. She has two daughters, SD23 and SD19, I have one daughter, 12.
SD23 is in college and lives in an apartment close to campus. IMO the college is too close to home as SD23 'pops in' all the time for, you guessed it, money! SD19 is just a lazy slob who essentially lives at her boyfriends house and claims to go to the local junior college. As you might have read in other posts Ive made, I DESPISE SD19, and frankly would love for her to be completely gone but I digress.
These two offspring view DW as an ATM, and of course because DW refuses to get a real job beyond a couple of hours a week, Im in fact the ATM. From SD23 it's always "money for rent", "money for books", "money for gas", and on and on. She's on my cell phone plan, my car insurance, uses my netflix, amazon, etc accounts. The only thing their loser father pays for is health insurance and he's LOADED!! SD23 worked all Christmas break but refuses to use "her money" for anything other than concert tickets, etc. She feels entitled to the fact that it's "the parents job to pay for ALL college expenses"
The loser, SD19 only comes around when she wants money too or needs gas. She plays the baby talk "I love you mommmeeee" and always gets what she wants then immediately becomes the snotty little B%^$& she really is.
I argue all the time with DW that it's time they start paying their own way but DW argues that it's "her responsibility as a parent to support them as students". Sadly she also is now saying that it's also OUR responsibilty to welcome SD23 back into MY house and support her when she graduates in May. DW makes the poor me argument that "things are so much more expensive now" that it's the parents responsibility to "help them" until they can get comfortable finaicially. I have called BS on that many times!!! Things are no more "tough" now than they were in previous generations. The difference now is that helicopter parents, like DW just want to keep their offspring under control and at home forever for fear of losing some identity "as a mom".
I am just about to pull the "they arent MY kids card" Am I out of line???
Why are you letting all of
Why are you letting all of these people use you? If DW wants to support her kids, she can get her own job to do it with.
Don’t be a fool. You have the
Don’t be a fool. You have the ability to stop this now.
I guess I am truly a fool for
I guess I am truly a fool for allowing this to continue. I do love DW for the most part and I guess that's what keeps me from acting. I know that the day that I cut off her "precious girls" is the day I will have to end the marriage. She honestly belives that it's "her job" to support them in perpetuity and as her husband that obligation extends to me. I never signed up for this! I struggle financially and am always sacrificing myself for those spoiled brats!
But she’s not even the one
But she’s not even the one supporting them, so her argument holds no weight. If she feels so strongly it’s “her job” to support them, she needs to go out and actually get a job that supports them.
The most ridiculous part of
The most ridiculous part of all of this is that they HAVE A FATHER who has money. And a mother. TWO PARENTS. Yet a person who is not their parent is paying for them? What in that actual f*ck? Their father must think he hit the jackpot when their sucker of a step-dad came Into the picture to foot the bill.
Dude. It’s time to say enough. How did you let this go so long? Stand up for yourself and tell DW they need to ask their dad! No is an answer and it’s ok to say it. Just because people don’t like to hear it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong answer.
If you're afraid your wife
If you're afraid your wife will end your marriage because you stop financing her adult daughters, it's not much of a marriage. You're being used.
Exactly what is it that’s
Exactly what is it that’s keeping you with DW? You can’t tell me she’s ‘wonderful, sweet, charming’ when she’s causing you this much emotional & financial strife. So what is it?? Fear of being alone? Dude, you will be better off without this mess in every way possible!
Youve been having these issues for a long time, I’m wondering why you haven’t taken any action yet. Your wife is a selfish, self-centred user who not only refuses to contribute, but is putting her children directly above your future. Does she expect you to work forever, with no retirement while she lives the life of Riley with her precious princesses?
Her ‘kids’ are 19 & 23, this behaviour isn’t going anywhere. They’ll be 39 & 43 with their hands out expecting your money if you don’t deal with this. Quit sticking your head in the sand & DO something.
WTF?
You have read it above in many different ways. Please comment. Why? Why do you continue this? You are living paycheck to paycheck. Why are you supporting someone elses kids? Why are you allowing DW ( who doesnt sound really all that great tbh.) to blast you in the ways she has been doing? Why are you allowing the SD's to mooch off you? Why do you allow Wife to control you so much? Honestly - we would all like to know. Because your life sucks right now. Out of line? Are you for real? Seriously - dude - these are not your children, and technically they are adults now.
DH recognises that I am not responsible for his children and yet I contribute when I can, to take the load off of him. Now that I make more money, about equal to him, and now that he has both alimony AND child support, I actually have more money and have started backing off of spending on Munchkin SD12. Because as much as I do care for her, enjoy her company, want her to succeed in life, she is NOT MY CHILD.
So. Repeat as often as necessary. NOT MY CHILD. Say this with confidence. You are a hardworking, nice person, and these are NOT YOUR CHILDREN.
Perhaps if you stepped back, daddee would actually step up. That happened for me. I stepped back, and now DH has to do more, and hes ok with that.
Do not pay. Here 18 is an
Do not pay. Here 18 is an adult and responsible for themselves, not sure about in America. Surely a student gets part time work or goes without.
To put an end to it, you'll
To put an end to it, you'll have to get to the point internally to where you can accept the end of your marriage if that's what it takes for things to change. I'm a stepdad to two adult stepsons. One is trying to make something of himself, albeit at a later age than usual. The other has historically used emotional blackmail to coerce his mom (my wife) into giving him whatever he wants. I get along great with my wife's oldest son, but have no relationship with her youngest. He's a sponge who works very hard at not having to work for anything. None of my time or paycheck gets used for anything associated with him. Before the younger was 18, he had a number on my cell phone plan. After turning 18, and becoming particularly nasty to me, I had him removed from my plan. I don't chip in a penny for anything to do with him. I am under no obligation to support either of my wife's adult sons financially. If my wife's oldest son came onto really hard times, though, I would help him out. I love him, and he and I enjoy each other's company. The youngest boy has spit venom in my face for years. If I found any of my paycheck was being given to the youngest son, I'd immediately separate finances and my marriage would be in serious trouble. My wife knows I want nothing to do with her youngest son. It took almost ending my marriage for her to realize I was serious (really long story. Her youngest son is a dangerous person when he gets angry). You get treated the way you allow. If you don't want to keep being taken advantage of, it will be you that has to make the change.
Great advice.
Great advice.