Parenting Time Question for a Friend
Really, it's not ME I'm asking for (thank goodness).
My life-long best friend has been divorced for 3 years, they have a now 8y/o. Divorced because the biofather was a severe closet alcoholic that finally outted himself and my bestie just couldn't take it any longer. She gave him the choice of her or vodka, guess which one he chose.
Within 4 weeks of filing for divorce, bestie's STBX moved in with another woman. My bestie moved to an apartment (their house went into foreclosure because he wouldn't go to work because he was always inebriated)with their daughter.
Fast forward.... bestie's ex is now remarried to a woman who has 4 older (mid-teens) children of which she has 50/50 custody. Bestie's custody schedule is pretty common -- her Ex gets their DD 3 hrs on Tues, Wed, and then has her every other weekend, alternate holidays, etc.
Note that Ex has stopped drinking (apparently) and has a steady job. Prior to about a month ago, they had a CS agreement of which he was in serious arrears because no automatic garnishment had been ordered (and he had been out of work completely for about 20 months right after they separated). My Bestie petitioned the court for garnishment and CS eval since he was >12 months behind and was now working (prior CS was based on him "not working" -- $20/week). They went to court, judge didn't see anything wrong with Ex being behind in CS all those months, since 2 days before the court date he went to CSA and paid a huge lump sum. Judge did NOT order garnishment because it would cause Ex financial hardship ($2 per paycheck and a $65 annual fee). Needless to say, my Bestie has not seen any more CS since her day in court.
Now the kicker -- he sent Bestie an email last night saying that he and child (8 y/o) had discussed the possibility of 50/50 custody and he would like to pursue it. Mind you, they live about 40 miles apart. Ex works 3rd shift. He's never really taken care of this child for more than a 3-day stretch, and never by himself (he always had his mom, girlfriend, or whomever around too). Has never taken her to MD appts, orthodontist/dentist appts, ball practice, anything.
My bestie is torn... she knows if she fights it, she will be made out to be the mean mommie. Her Ex has obviously not considered the logistics of all of this -- often he works 12-hr shifts, so who would drive child to and from school (which would equal about 160 miles a day, and his wife works full time)? If it's his week and child has ball practice in Bestie's town, is he going to pick her up from school, drive 40 miles back home, then an hour later drive the 80-mile round trip all over again for ball practice?
I'm not saying 50/50 wouldn't be in the best interest of the child (admittedly, I'm biased because I stood by my bestie thru her marriage and divorce) but it would be irrational at best for the Ex to think this could work! My opinion is that he is just thinking that 50/50 typically means no CS, and I can bet he's also thinking that even on HIS weeks, my Bestie would step in and help out "in the interest of their child".
What would you all do in this situation? I told her I'd post this and get some input.
thanks!
How would that work with
How would that work with school? It just doesn't seem feasible. I think she should fight it, I know I would.
That's what I was getting at
That's what I was getting at with the 160 miles round trip every day (80miles there and back to drop her off in the morning, 80 miles there and back in the afternoon to pick her up) to take her to school in Bestie's town.
I told her she could do one of two things: 1) fight it or 2) tell him "Sure!" then be there when he falls flat on his face and realizes he can't do it. I guess that raises a whole 'nuther question... if they get this done in court (because of CS and all that) and he realizes 2 months into it that it's just not working for him they'll have to go back to court to get everything re-established. Correct?
The only problem in each is that it will affect child in one way or another. It's a bad situation in my opinion.
They will have to go back to
They will have to go back to court and even if the judge awards it I would ask to have a trial period and leave CS the same for now until BioDad shows he can actually keep up with the new arrangement and her daughter isn't late to school everyday etc....
I can see maybe him getting longer visitation in the summer or something but living 40+ miles away just isn't realistic for 50/50 custody split once kids are in school.
Exactly what I said to my
Exactly what I said to my bestie -- how DARE he discuss it with child first? And I also agree with your second point, that it has nothing to do with wanting "equal time". He wants CS abolished. But what little he pays now is nothing compared to the amount of gas money (especially @ $4.50 a gallon in his gas-guzzling SUV) he will spend on a weekly basis just running back and forth for school and EC's. And not that the Child is in a blue-million EC's, but she plays basketball and soccer in her mom's town and really enjoys those two sports. My fear is that Ex will talk her out of participating because it's "too much running on his time" (she's been in those sports since she was 5 years old, so it's not like my Bestie is putting her in EC's to interfere).
Honestly, I think child sees the fact that Ex's wife has four kids and has 50/50 custody. What Child doesn't understand, because she is only 8, is that both parents live within about 10 min of each other; kids are older (the oldest one drives and has a job), and all their activities are in the same small town where they live.
Bestie should describe the
Bestie should describe the reality scenario to ex that you posted as her reason why she does not feel it is feasible. If he wants to pursue it in the court, let him. For a dad who can't even pay the little cs he is ordered, I can't imagine a judge would believe he has the child's best interests in mind.
It's too far of a distance
It's too far of a distance with the schools.
Recently BM has thrown the idea out there that SD would attend a different school district. They have joint custody and equal parenting time, so DH has equal say in education choice. He said no because the school is 20 miles away, that's going to be a 45 minute round trip before school/work. Not only did neither of is want to get up earlier, but we didn't want to get SD up even earlier either. That's HALF your distance. If he cares about the child, he won't pursue.
Nope. No way. Creep.
Nope. No way. Creep.
Hire a lawyer and FIGHT FIGHT
Hire a lawyer and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. No judge in their right mind would look at ALL the facts and circumstances and agree with this dweeb.
Best of luck!
Where I live just cause it's
Where I live just cause it's 50/50 doesn't mean squat. Mediation comes in handy with all the questions. And he will have to provide answers for such serious questions. Like school, sports etc. But I do know that with me and my EX. Our mediator told him that if he planned on putting our children in so many activities and didn't consult me it would be on him to figure out the travel for it. It wasn't that I was opposed to all the sports activities I wasn't it was the sheer boldness of sending me 4 months worth of scheduling that had every single weekend taken with this or that.... (mind you we had already had our 50/50 agreement in place with the court) I could not do all of it since I didn't have a flexible job. Mediation helped so much on understanding what is do-able and what simply isn't. We live 45 miles apart and we put our kid in a school that is in the middle of both our residences. So it's middle ground for our kids. WE both do driving.
You also have first right of refusal. So if he isn't going to be around when his child is there then you get first calls on keeping your child. IF you want to go that route. I think dad's have to start somewhere. I think it is hard but if they don't start somewhere then how will they ever be fully apart of the kids lives. It is hard being divorced. It is hard being a SM. And it is hard dealing with BM. And even harder when you are dealing with custody.
Mediation is cheaper then court. And if he is unreasonable then you will have a mediator to come in on your behalf when the time comes for court.
My bestie has never stood in
My bestie has never stood in the way of her Ex spending time with their child. She has even encouraged them to spend more time together and has always been very flexible with all of it. It's just when it comes to this instance she feels like she's being put in the middle (because Ex's email to her stated he had already discussed the possibility of 50/50 with their child), he has really no clue about anything that goes on with child on Mom's time (EC's, appts, etc), and Ex has probably not considered all the logistics.
Child has been in 2 EC's for the last 3 years. Ex usually can't even make the games because of work, let alone practices. And bestie dutifully sends him the practice/game schedules every season. But these are EC's that, when asked by Bestie, Ex agreed to (although he's never had the $ to contribute per the CO). So it's not a situation where Bestie has child running every night of the week.
Ex has also never taken child to her orthodontist appts (because per CO he owes THEM almost $1000), or any MD appts. The last time child needed to go to the MD because she was sick (high temp, ear infection), he held off doing anything until the end of the day when his parenting time was over. Whenever child has needed to stay home from school because she was sick, it has always been Bestie taking time off work, because Ex works 3rd shift and needs to sleep during the day.
I'm all about giving parents equal time if they want it and if they are able to do it. I'm a SM, and I know if my DH could have his kids more he would. But he also realizes that's not possible because of his work schedule, and after I told my DH all of this, he agreed that Bestie's Ex was not thinking clearly about all of the "what if's"
I agree with some other
I agree with some other posters. Email him a list of her day to day activities and ask ex how he intends to exercise 50% time with this child when he won't even show for what she does now. Also throw in the fact that he is an adult and should not be discussing custody arrangements with an 8 year old. Have her put ALL correspondence in email so that she can provide proof that this is going on. Sounds like he has a new lady in his life telling him that a "good daddy" would step up so instead of doing what the court has ordered, he's trying to do what she's ordering. 50% each fam does NOT work if you're any kind of distance and your bestie is sweet to think she could give it a try but there are jobs, school, activities to think of. This sounds like ex is trying to please someone else- not their daughter.