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How Things are Going with SS's Girlfriend

B22S22's picture

Quick recap because I can't find my original post -- SS19 has a GF16, who was previously my DD16's best friend since 2nd grade. GF started dating SS, then "demanded" SS and DD be best friends because GF wouldn't have it any other way. DD16 said there shouldn't be 3 in a relationship, only 2; therefore she didn't need to be besties with SS (they never have been, and never will be).

This infuriated GF, who spewed some crap, and DD16 ceased being friends with her. Fast forward 6 months and GF out of the blue calls DD inviting her to GF's 16th birthday party. DD declined the invitation, which then prompted even more spewing of nasty stuff from GF, to include letting DD know GF conveyed all information gleaned from their girl talks (mostly about how it sucks to be in a blended family) to SS19 AND HIS MOM.

I showed DH the text war between DD and GF, where GF was saying "SS19 is sitting here telling me right now x, y, and z about you..." And then how she "and SS19" refer to ME (meaning ME) as a supreme bitch, and SS would rather poke his eye out then be around me. Blah blah blah. DH had a conversation with his son about the discussion, said it was inappropriate and if DD16 doesn't want to be GF's friend, then GF needs to leave her AND ME alone.

A few months later, SS19 shows up with GF at our house. First thing GF did was ask if DD was home and if she was in her room. I told her it wasn't a good idea to go seek her out, just leave her alone. Of course, shit-stirring GF walked upstairs and knocked on DD's door. DD opened it, saw who it was, and closed it again. GF came downstairs and started crying about "how mean DD16 is".

After they left, DH tried to "justify" SS bringing GF over here by saying he should be able to bring his girlfriend over, the other SS does. Not the same DH - other SS's girlfriend doesn't muck up drama. I posted on here about the even and following discussion, and that I was angry that DH was justifying her presence.

After all that, I told him that I did NOT want that girl over here. PERIOD. As demonstrated by her behavior, all she wants to do is create drama. She hurt DD and betrayed DD's confidences, then made a point of seeking her out just to hurt her again? That's pretty low rent in my book. I think DH was on the fence until he talked to his other SS last weekend. Other SS just broke up with his girlfriend, and was talking about how SS19's girlfriend jumped right in on facebook and started shit stirring to the point it all blew up. DH agreed that it's probably not a good idea to have her around.

I'm glad to report I think DH has seen the light. He had a talk with SS19, and explained why GF was not welcome in this house. Unfortunately, SS19 wanted to test the waters yesterday, so showed up with her. DH went outside and quietly pulled SS19 aside, reminding him that GF was not welcome. I guess SS19 got angry and stormed off, mentioning that as long as GF was not welcome in this house, SS wasn't going to come over either (but as it stands, SS only comes over when he needs his car fixed or he needs money, so not like he's over here all the time just for the sake of seeing his dad).

I know DH is hurt, but he knows this girl is a trouble-maker (she's done a lot of other things to BM, Stepdad, grandparents, etc). But I know I have to stand firm that she doesn't need to come here. As I told DH, SS can see her ALL THE TIME outside of his 30-min or less visits here.

We'll see how this plays out.

B22S22's picture

I didn't know she did, as I was in the kitchen. Until I heard GF crying to SS19 I thought she had wandered back into the living room.

ETA: the stairs aren't visible from the kitchen -- they're down the hallway towards the living room. So when she left the kitchen I *thought* she was going back to the living room to be with SS19. I never thought I'd need to follow her.

Evil stepmonster's picture

What state do you live in? In Texas it's illegal for a 19 year old to date a 16 year old. If caught out on a date the older one most often gets over night in jail, probation(if first offense) and then must register as a sex offender.

B22S22's picture

Not Texas. However I do believe there's some mumbo jumbo about pre-existing relationships? Like, they started dating when he was 17 and she was (yes, I know... *CRINGE*) 14, almost 15.

Fear #1 was having her back in this house.

Fear #2 is that I have this ugly feeling she's going to end up pregnant now that SS19 is out of high school.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Been there done that ~

SD's bf was not permitted in my home for various reasons. Too many to list .... DF told SD he was not permitted in my home. One day she waltzed in the house w bf in tow ~ DF stunned by him in the home but eventually walked him out n said to him/her he is not welcome here. The friggin brass balls people have ~ I just sat on the couch with my chin hanging ~ WHO does this ???

My issue with the whole situation is/was that SD knew better than to bring him in my home. So I hold her accountable was well ~ honestly I think the whole idea was hers n he wasn't too keen in the idea. Can't stomach shit stirrers !!!!

You did the right thing ~ protect your daughter. You are her mother n I am sure you wouldn't allow anyone in your home who would make her uncomfortable. Kudos to you. Your home is where your children are to feel safe from the outside world.

B22S22's picture

I get what you're saying, but no. It's one thing not to like a person SS is dating. However, this girl intentionally hurt my DD, and then tried stirring the shit to hurt her again. I will not expect my DD in this instance to "play along to get along" -- her well-being is more important to me than SS's need to have GF around him 24/7/365. In this case, "play along to get along" is interpreted (by me) as invaliding my own daughter's feelings.

The fact that this girl betrayed confidences by blabbing to SS and BM my DD's thoughts on blended family-ness also doesn't help.

B22S22's picture

Not that it needs explaining, but DD told GF that they could still be friends, and GF could date SS. But that the three of them didn't need to all be BFF's (DD and SS have never really liked each other.... so she's dealt with being around people she doesn't like more than most teens have). That wasn't good enough for GF, who demanded all or nothing.

I'm involved because 1) it affects my daughter, 2) if affects my husband, and 3) it affects me and this household (we've already had the phone calls from BM that we're being 'unreasonable' -- this coming from the woman who's done everything in her power to get SS to break up with GF).

It's one thing to not like a girl at school/friend who you think is dating a loser. It's another thing completely to have to sit across the table from it at weekend dinners, see it sitting in your living room, etc. My DD can stand up for herself just fine. But THIS is HER HOME. Should there not be one place on earth she can feel relatively safe? And suggesting my DD just avoid her by staying in her room is obviously not an option, since GF went seeking her out.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

The difference is that if this were any other boy ~ your DD wouldn't have an issue she could chose to avoid being around him. Not three wheeling for her.

But this is brought to her home !!

B22S22's picture

Exactly! Having this kind of drama at school is one thing, but it's completely different when it's brought home.

My DD isn't the "drama" type person. In fact, she hates it. Hence the reason why she wants nothing to do with their relationship because I'm sure there would be times that GF would force all of her drama with SS19 onto DD, and she doesn't want to deal with that either. And trust me, rumor has it (thru DH) there's been a LOT of drama between GF and SS.

tiny kitten's picture

As someone that had a fairly traumatic time at high school in regards to friends and dating, I agree completely with everything you said. I just have to say that because your daughter's problem resonates with me.

And no disrespect to your daughter, but I fucking hate teenage girls. I hate them so much.
Not that this post brought up any deep-seated issues that I still find upsetting after nearly ten years. Not at all.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I agree as well ~ teenage girl are just down right jerkoffs !!!

My daughter was bullied by my own SD ~ I didn't know it was going on but when I did find out ~ I let her find her way ~ try to solve it herself but it got to be too much. My DF spoke w his daughter after that ~ SD just amped it up for her own purposes.

Principal got involved n called me n I m sure her mother. I tried to squash it n do what was asked of me through the school but low n behold what I did ~ did not solve the problem.

B22S22's picture

I actually commended my DD for being so 'adult' about the situation when it reared it's ugly head... When DD told GF there didn't need to be 3 in the relationship -- they could keep them all separate and things would be OK. She didn't want to be caught in a triangle, because someone always gets screwed (her words).

And yes, teenage girls are the worst. My DD is very introverted, and extremely beyond her years in intellect and common sense (not saying that just cause she's my DD). She has a difficult time relating to most girls her age, as she doesn't really care about dating, fashion, etc. so the loss of her best friend of 8 years was absolutely devastating. That, and we moved here from another city so this GF was my DD's first friend she made after we moved here.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Same with my daughter all of what you are saying ~ plus on top of that she was grieving the loss of her father/my husband & my father. Too much to handle but she diligently tried to fix it on her own.

Tried the pep talk of there is something the bullies are lacking n they are taking it out on you. Ignore then ( but ignoring only made her voice n actions louder n sd built up an army ~ which made it appear that she was not the ring leader but ohhhh that motherly instinct told me a different story.

B22S22's picture

My DD suffered at the hands of my SS bullying her when they were both in grade school, about a year after I moved here and met SS's dad. My DD takes after her dad, who is very hairy. As a young girl, she had dark hairy legs. Within 3 days, SS had almost everyone in the 3-5 grades running up to her and calling her "Man Legs". That was a horrible "family" fiasco. There were a couple other instances in middle school and high school, but that one was by far the worst. Hence the reason why my DD tolerates SS's presence, but will never be on friendly terms with him.

Honestly, I think there is still enough pent-up whatever (anger? resentment? He's always hated the fact that DH lives with us) with my SS that he played a huge part in a lot of the drama by bringing the girl over -- then trying to again even AFTER DH had a talk with him.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

This is why I enjoying your posts !!!! You bring put the very bitch in me ~ that needs to be seen a lot more !!!

You are the best !!!

ChiefGrownup's picture

As soon as she showed signs of disobeying your statement not to go upstairs I would have blocked her path and told her NO, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED AND DO NOT DISOBEY THE RULES OF THIS HOUSE. It's hard always to take that kind of action in the heat of the moment, though, I admit. I've certainly gone into shock instead of action many, many times since I met SD. Anyway, that girl is 16, a kid. You're the grownup in your own house. She has no business traipsing all over where she is not invited. Treat it like any other kid running amok in your house.

ETA: Didn't quite finish my point. You are quite right to banish her from your house and your DH ought to view the girl separately from his son. The son is too old for her anyway. She's merely a kid who is not welcome in your house. What SS does outside your house is his own concern, I suppose, although Dad really ought to be thrashing him for hanging around with jail bait.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Plus ~ he can spend time w hoochie at Bm's house so no harm no foul

Adios muchaco !!!