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Need Help.......Please

kim1960's picture

SS got back from Fl. yesterday after BM took him there for a month, therefore violating the Joint Parenting Agreement. BF decided to go see him at daycare instead of waiting until visitation next Wednesday. SS had called to let BF know he was back in town, you could here BM telling him what to say int the background. BF was in the shower so I answered and you could tell SS was excited about getting to talk to his dad. I told him Daddy would call him back when he got out of the shower. BF tried calling back ten minutes later when he got out of the shower but BM didn't answer. What has us upset is SS reaction to BF when he saw him at daycare. He was very reserved and acted like he was afaid to talk to him about his vacation. In fact he acted like he didn't want to talk to him at all. BF told SS how much he loved him and missed him and he still acted very reserved. He did give BF a hug and a kiss when he asked for one but seemed reserved about that also. SS has never been like this with BF they have always had a wonderful close relationship. Since BF is getting redy to take BM back to court because of her violations of the JPA we are wondering if she is telling SS not to tell daddy things? BF says he just seemed so reserved and nervous about talking to him. BF is very upset over it. Neither one of us knows how to go about making him feel comfortable again. We don't want SS to be nervous or reserved every time he has vistitation with us. We don't want to question him to see if his mother is telling him not to tell us things or that would make us as bad as her and the poor little guy is going through enough. BM is so unstable God only knows what she is telling the poor little guy. We are just not sure how to handle this. Any one else ever go through this?

Candice's picture

my ss use to love me, and in fact he clung to me so much that everyone thought he was my kid, not my bf's.

We experienced the same behaviors in my ss that you are describing. What I know that our bm did was unfairly burden her child with her adult problems, and grinded into his mind how SHE didn't like us, therefore he shouldn't. This was so much stress on a child, and it really ruined his childhood.

She would say things to him when she was dropping him off for our court ordered visits.."if your dad is one minute late bringing you back to me, I'm calling the cops!" This was so sad b/c it not only made him feel like his dad was going to go to jail b/c he was forcing visitations, but these are adult issues and a 6 year old doesn't know how to handle these types of issues! They don't have knowledge on how to handle this, and they worry about it, becoming so worried that they forget on how to be a kid.

Mind you she was never worried about her son's welfare, she could care less about his rotting teeth that were sitting in his mouth, and refused to take him to a dentist, and she road blocked every single one of our attempts to get him to a dentist...so she was never concerned about his welfare. She was truly worried she was going to lose custody, and in her mind, that is what defines a good mother from a bad mother, and that along with the cs she thought she was going to get, made her very determined to fill everyone's head that dh was a deadbeat dad, including her own son's.

If I could do things all over again, I would have contact our therapist during this timeframe to seek his guidance. Especially with a young child caught in the middle. He would have worked with us and advised us better on the do's and don't's.

Your story is so similar to our lives...my dh went to daycare to visit his son, b/c bm refused to let him see he dad, and when ss saw his dad, he broke down crying so bad he couldn't talk. It broke our hearts.

I can not verbally describe how important it is for you to consult with a therapist to guide you through these difficult times. Your poor ss is going through a lot, and he doesn't know how to handle it. It is hugely piss poor parenting to burden your own child with adult issues for your own selfish desires, that in itself, I think parents shouldn't have custody when they do this. In my mind, this is such emotional abuse, and from my experience, it HAS ruined my ss's childhood. B/c his mother treats him like an adult, and burdens him with HER problems, he is thoroughly confused and thinks he is an adult and entitled to adult priviledges. It's very frustrating to try to raise him now (now that he is hell on wheels and bm "doesn't want to deal with it").

My best to you,
Candice