My mom doesn't know I'm pregnant
So I'm early in my 2nd pregnancy and have told everyone except my mom, her boyfriend and adult siblings who live with her. I wanted to tell them in person but they never visit me even though they live 16 miles away. The only time my mom will visit is if she's borrowing money from me. She's even been in my area and doesn't stop by my home. I thought my chance would be for Thanksgiving because we were preparing the meal at my home- but no one came to visit us. No one even bothered to text message us that they weren't coming over.
My family (especially my mom) likes to paint everything pink and blue when it comes to expressing her love for me and my first child (her grandchild.) She does it to the point that it is very awkward and tacky. She usually texts messages me and overemphasizes her love for us but her actions show differently.
I'm the one who usually shows up at her house but I've recently stopped that since it was never reciprocated. If I'm very ill, she'll act like she's very concerned for me and suggest all kinds of remedies- but will never come to see how I'm doing. Never offers to spend time with my son and if I ask her to babysit she'll probably come up with an excuse.
The last straw was today. My mom's mom (my grandma) gave the idea that my mom and her boyfriend should take christmas photos with my son to make memories with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend offered to buy my son a fresh tree and take it to their home so they can decorate it.
Long story short, they called me yesterday to meet them at a tree tent but changed their mind and said we will all go tomorrow. I waited all day today and never heard from them. Finally she texted me in the evening pretending like we didn't have plans. When I asked them about the tree she said they already bought it yesterday even though they told me not to come. She started saying that she decorated the tree and then she said she hadn't. Then she said it was half-way decorated. I just got annoyed and said "Wow well I must have misunderstood everything because I thought the plan was to meet altogether at the tree tent and let my son pick a tree. Then he was going to help you guys decorate it for the photos." That is exactly what she had told me.
She asked me what time I was coming over her house because I had offered to bring all the leftover thanksgiving dinner since no one ever came. I just gave up and said "i am too tired to come over and I'm sick anyway." Which isn't a lie because the morning sickness is killing me and I have a cold at the same time.
Then she changed the subject without arguing the tree dilemma and pretended to be concerned for my health.
DH says my mom likes to express her love dramatically because she has to make it look like she cares since her actions don't show it. In other words, no fake love and no actions would make it look too obvious that she doesn't care.
I'm not saying that she doesn't love us, but she definitely doesn't go out of her way for us.
Anywho, DH says I should tell them I'm pregnant even though they would never find out since they never visit. I don't think if they knew it would make a difference except give my sister and mom an excuse to blame my hormones for everything. The last time I was pregnant, they didn't help me prepare for my wedding or even give me a gift. DH was very sad seeing my family was uninterested. They never visited me while pregnant. When DH told them I was hurt they didn't participate in helping with the wedding, they blamed it on my hormones and said I think I am too self-entitled. I practically handled finishing college and planning a wedding in a month on my own. Even my girlfriends helped with the wedding and asked me why was my mom too busy flirting to help out. My sister showed up the last minute before the wedding to help. Tsk tsk.
So that gives you a glimpse of my family. Should I just let them find out the next time I see them (probably many months from now) or just text message my mom like it's no biggie. IMO I feel fine not telling them until they find out on their own when they see me in a bump. I will just tell them "Well I had wanted to tell you all in a formal/special way, in person. But since I never saw you guys until now, I never got a chance."
I would stop having any
I would stop having any expectations if my mother behaved like this. And no, don't tell her because it seems like she doesn't really care about her grandchildren either.
And what is this "pictures for moms boyfriend to have memories."? If they treat you so badly why even agree to make those kinds of plans?
Don't make people a priority
Don't make people a priority in your life when they make you only an option in theirs.
Your post breaks my heart,
Your post breaks my heart, because it's what I see for my kids' futures. I think your mom's "issue" is that she is a psychopath. Or narcissist, very similar. My kids' father doesn't really care, so his words and actions don't mesh. He is a psychopath. If this is what you are dealing with, the best thing you can do is stay away from her and live your life. Keep your friends close and build your family without blood relatives. Never count on her, never expect anything from her, and don't believe a word she says. Ever. She will never change if she's a psychopath or narcissist. I've known my ex for 16 years and I still find myself hoping he's changed like an idiotic kid. I can only imagine what my kids think about everything. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I wouldn't bother telling my family about the pregnancy. Enjoy it with your dh and friends, and don't let your mom or family ruin it.
Engage with the people who
Engage with the people who earn it through action. Write the rest of them off. Toxic is toxic regardless of shared gene pool. Write off those in the shallow and polluted end of your gene pool and invest in the ones from the deep and clean end of your gene pool. Both types of people can be identified by their behaviors.
For the first 16 years of our 21+ year marriage my bride and I spent a lot of time stirring up the shallow and polluted Sperm Clan end of our son’s (SS-23 now adopted by me) gene pool in an attempt to protect our son and our family from their toxic bullshit. It worked. They continued to pollute their end of my son's gene pool by their toxic behaviors while the quality ends of the collective family gene pool (mine and my ILs – at least for the most part) continually thrived and helped SS to overcome the challenges of his Sperm Clan baggage. Our son was fully informed and participatory in an age appropriate manner in the effort to protect him from them. He is now a viable self-supporting adult who has put the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool far in his rear view mirror. He is serving successfully in the USAF and working on his BSCS degree (not as quickly as his mom and I would like but it is his live and his decisions) At least the adult members of the Sperm Clan. He still holds out hope that he can influence his three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two other mothers to rise above the septic tank of a gene pool they are foundering in. I respect his effort but do not hold out much hope that he will be successful. His mom and I and the rest of our family will be there to help him through the disappointment when it invariably happens.
So, time to flush mommy and the sister I think. I would were I you. If they can figure out how to filter out the shit they seem to love as indicated by their behaviors, then re-engage. They have not earned any interface with you or your young son and there is no compelling reason to share the news of your pregnancy with them.
You and your DH and STB big brother should enjoy the new baby that will be welcomed and loved by your own family and do not allow the toxic crap to interfere in that.
Congratulations on the new baby.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself and good luck.
Congratulations on the STB born baby. That is a wonderful thing even when you are battling the polluted elements in your gene pool.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Ignore, ignore. I refrained
Ignore, ignore. I refrained from using the Steptalk motto of "ignore the whore" out of respect for you since this is your mother.
All you can control is your own behavior. One thing you need to do is to have ZERO expectations when it comes to then. Which should then free you from having any obligations to them either.
Try not to even waste too much time even thinking about this. Enjoy your DH and your children.
If you decide to tell her
If you decide to tell her than you need to have no expectations for her to be there for you or the baby. If you decide not to tell hr than you need to prepare yourself for the fallout when she does find out....fall out could be hat she will ignore you, yell at you, or maybe she will be sympathetic and understanding but there will be a reaction.
It's obvious that you've been
It's obvious that you've been shortchanged in the mother department, and my heart goes out to you for that. However, until you accept that your mother isn't ever going to be who you want her to be, you will continue to feel hurt by her behaviors.
Acceptance will give you strength and allow you to see that unfortunately, this is who your mother is and all she is capable of. Expecting, hoping, wishing for more is unrealistic and causes self-inflicted pain. It's possible to distance yourself and detach emotionally from your mother (and sister) without upheaval or confrontation and you've already started down that path. Your protective mother instincts are telling you to avoid the stress and toxicity these relatives bring with them - Listen to your gut.
Would you accept this
Would you accept this behavior from anyone else? No probably not, I hope you wouldn't. It sounds like your mother is a narcissist and you only play a role in her life when she needs you too. Your son was that role when she thought playing the perfect grandma for her boyfriend would be fun, but then something changed her mind and she didn't need him. I hope you didn't tell him that he would be picking a tree out with grandma since she's such a flake. I don't think you should tell her about your pregnancy since she will probably just try to use him like she uses you and your children. When she finds out your pregnant (if she even does before the baby actually arrives) then give her a reality check and tell her that SHE never cared to ask about you and SHE never bothered to come by even for the holidays when you had planned to share with her the news. She'll of course make it about her and how you are terrible but that's just who she is. Either way whether you tell her or not, you will not get the real excitement or joy from her that you deserve because you being pregnant isn't about her.
Have you read much on
Have you read much on narcissism? It's an absolute eye opener. Research narcissistic mothers which will give you a lot of insight into her behaviour and why she does what she does... Which incidentally isn't out of love, but out of attention seeking on her part. That's all you are to her unforntunely.. A source of narcissistic supply. And when she's bored with you or you don't meet her needs, she'll move onto the next source.
What ever you do, protect your children from her as narsassim can damage children growing up.
Sendin you love and hugs and best wishes for your pregnancy. Keep posting here to get support! Xxx