It isn't uncommon to have a double mastectomy even with stage 1 breast cancer, it is the best way to make sure you "get it all". I think your husband is probably lying to you to control your decisions. Tell him as a "mother" figure to SD, you need to show her the value of being an independent, hard-working woman, so getting a job is for her benefit.

He's trying to control you, he has a fantasy about things in his head that is completely unfair to you. He's grasping at straws. I'm sorry. I don't have any advice other than do what you want for yourself.

>>>I need to stay at home with SD because I could be the only mother she has.<<<

Good grief he is being very dramatic. As her only father, why doesn't he stay at home? How very tiring this must be for you.

... I don't know. This story is getting far fetched. I'm starting to wonder if you're a troll.

Alas:

"He said he just talked with his exwife and it turns out she has stage 2 breast cancer and it's spread to her lymph nodes. She's getting a scan later this week to see if it's spread anywhere else in her body. She has to have one breast removed, the other mastectomy is optional. She'll have radiation and maybe chemo. This is very different from what she told my husband last week."

What? This is very suspicious. Either this is a coincidence or he's trying to make you feel guilty.

Okay, so this is SD's only mother. Why doesn't SD's only mother see SD more than a few days a month? Oh, that's right. Because she doesn't WANT TO see her daughter. She's content to sit back and let someone else raise her daughter, while staying entwined in her ex-husband's life, as if she is relevant or calling any shots. If she wants to be that involved, she should be involved directly with her daughter. She could start by, you know, seeing her more.

But at the same time, your DH acts like BM's every move is so important to your lives. He still hasn't figured out hat life after divorce doesn't continue to revolve around someone you were once married to. It revolves around your current relationship.

So how does BM's course of treatment affect anything other than a few days a month, exactly? Other than a general worry about SD possibly losing her mother, how does any of this affect you or your DH? It doesn't. He's acting like everyone needs to pause and place BM's needs first. And while I'm sorry for her and wish her the best, BM's needs are irrelevant to your household and are most certainly irrelevant to your relationship with your husband.

By the way, as for you being the "only mother SD will have", you're not her mother. If you and DH divorce, you have zero rights to her. That's another reason not to kill yourself to take care of someone else's kid.

Keep working on that resume.

I think this is a case of worse case scenario !

I think everyone is jumping the gun ~ making decisions at this point is ludacrious. You truly don't know what she is up against. Sure age is scared n it is scary but until she actual goes through things you don't know.

Your stance should be supportive of him n SD's well being BUT the woman is alive n breathing. I am should you will be supportive but you have no idea what you are up against yet. Still doesn't mean you can't get a job for yourself n make your sd life as normal as possible.

I would just take your view right now as to do what is best for the SD n only her.

I would use this website to state stuff like " she's sick enough to go on vacation with the bf" to here n only here. You don't want Karma to bite you in the ass.

sooooo, you need to say home every single day in case SD's BM, who sees her a couple days a month, dies?

Tell him you'll take a couple days a month off to spend with SD to fill her BM's role if she dies.

He's ridiculous.

If he keeps talking sh*T, tell him you're going to do one thing for YOU to help better your life & if he doesn't like it?

"He's just too old to understand."

So I just now realized who you were, the 25 year old who's DH had quit their job to stay home & take care of SD. Who's BM flipped because you helped SD make a mothers day gift. Her flipping out about your birthday plans with SD etc.

Sounds like a hot mess, & now with him acting like this? I'd get away fast.

You're 25. You aren't some old maid. He lied to you about adoption etc. You are an extension of him & BM's family. He will only adopt with you if BM says it's ok, or dies. Do you want your future to depend on BM?

Your DH is reacting and not thinking. I can understand feeling protective of an X, particularly one who is the mother of my child. (Hypothetical situation for me). However, he is married to you and his wife will very likely survive.

Start your new career and you and DH work through his irrational emotion over this issue.

If BM does not survive then you both will have a whole different situation to deal with. You can deal with that if it happens.

IMHO of course.

My DH's ex had the big C for 12 years...

The false guilt trip your DH is trying to put on you is WRONG on so many levels...If you don't do this it means this...and if you don't do that it means that ...that is such BS...he is manipulating and bullying you into doing what HE wants you to do to serve his undealt with failed first marriage issues that he is still serving out of his own undealt with guilt...he is putting his issues off on you...without considering your own individual feelings and opinions and consideration for your freedom to choose for yourself how you want to live your life..."You are the only mother she will have?????? What???? that is such BS....She only has one mother and you cannot replace her if something happens to her or not...that is reality...

You DH cannot play God in this situation...I see this happen so many times that the stepmom loses her individual identity (which is your God-given right by the way),,,only to serve a broken family system that failed miserably the first time and he or she never learned how to function properly so they suck you into their dysfunctional way of thinking and cohurse you into their toxic culture only to rob you of your true identity and prevent you from becoming everything you were created to be...you get robbed because you end up buying into the BS to make everyone happy...or to keep the peace...or to make it work....welcome to a life of regret and missed opportunity because you handed your destiny over to someone who hasn't dealt with their own baggage yet...Think hard or see a counselor before you let him use the "I'm going to be pissed off if you don't do what I want you to card"...If he gets pissed that is his problem...not yours...It's a slow fade when you give your heart away...but it bites big time when you reflect back years later on what you gave up of your individual self to make them all happy...It won't work in the end because you are not responsible for the happiness of someone else...they are still miserable in the end... and you lose big time because the one thing we can't get back is time....

It wouldn't surprise me if the doctors and then the BM downplayed the cancer when first discovered. Nobody wants to scare everyone only to find out later its acne. I take it at face value because I've been through a escalating cancer scare.

BUT he's sure milking it for all its worth. I'm beginning to wonder who he's emotionally married to? Seriously I'm beginning to think that you're a wonderful chauffeur, cook, maid and sex partner but the love of his life isn't you. Plus you work cheap.

Speaking of work go and get that job. Even if you are inclined to become a stay at home step-mother you can always quit when the time is appropriate. Passing over the career step of a lifetime for something that maybe just might or might not happen in a year or two is silly. YOU'RE to put your life on hold to see how SHE makes out? Lets get real.

You are the low man on the totem pole in this relationship. You get to do all the work and get none of the credit. I'd tell him straight out that you're going for the job and you're going to continue your career regardless of the outcome of this crises. I'd like you to re-consider your relationship. If you can get him to quit verbally abusing you with guilt trips it might be worth staying around. Only you can see the big picture.

Let me make it crystal clear. Getting and keeping a job does not make you anything negative it's his kid and his problem. There is no need for a stay-at-home mother now and there will not be one after the BM dies, if she does. Any attempt on any woman's part to replace Mommy is going to be severely rebuffed by the kid anyway so don't even think about trying. You go for that job and nicely tell him in no uncertain terms that you're living your life and not devoting it to anyone's kids.

I think you're little more than a aide-de-camp in this relationship.