I suggested marriage counseling, my husband said "I have to concentrate on my child and my child's mother right now"
I'm at a loss. I talked with my husband this morning, I'm still staying with my friend looking for work, and I suggested that he and i get marriage counseling. He said everything was fine until I became a "drama queen" and decided to leave just when he and SD need me most. He said he loves me but he doesn't understand what I'm doing. I tried to explain it again, that as long as I stayed out of the picture and took care of SD full time and never asked anything about his relationship with his exwife, everthing was okay but once I started informing myself and making myself visible to his ex she freaked out and then this whole cancer thing started. He said that if I love him and SD I will come home and support them through this. Through what? I said. Through BM's cancer treatment. I was about to throw my phone across the room! He makes me feel so bad like I'm a bad person but I know deep down that it's not my job to support him through this exwife's cancer. What the hell! She has friends and family and a new boyfriend. THe way I see it, we can take care of SD which we do already about 95% of the time and that's it. I told my husband that again and told him that I've found support on a website for stepparents and that they all agree that marriage counseling is a good idea. We have to figure this out! He was quiet for a long itme and then he said that he loves me but he has to devote his time to taking care of SD and "my child's mother." He made it sound like he doesn't have a choice like it's the obvious right thing to do. I said what about us? He said that he doesn't have it in him right now. It killed me to hear him say that he doesn't want to work on us. He said I should understand how busy and preoccupied he is right now with his ex's cancer diagnosis. I said I understood that, that's why I offered our support as a couple but that no one even knows what her diagnosis is yet! He said I'm cold hearted and he doesn't know me anymore. My head was spinning. He makes me question myself every time. But this time I didn't cave, I didn't apologize. I'm not coming home for a while. I'm going to stay at my friends and keep looking for work, keep trying to talk with my husband. He did say that SD is asking about me, that she misses me and doesn't understand why I'm gone. He was totally trying to guilt trip me. I said "tell her I love her and that I'm spending time with a friend right now and that I'll see her soon." And then I told my husband that SD asks about her mom all the time, wondering why her mom doesn't see her more. Does he tell his ex that too just hte way he did me? He was furious and hung up on me.
Sounds like somebody's still
Sounds like somebody's still hung up on his child's mother.
Quit calling him, quit
Quit calling him, quit talking to him. He isn't goin to change. Take steps towards a separation/divorce.
-virtual hugs- I can't imagine how bad this hurts
Your husband is quite the
Your husband is quite the emotionally manipulative douche. Good for you for standing your ground.
Yes, very manipulative
Yes, very manipulative indeed.
Even if she WERE dying, it's
Even if she WERE dying, it's still NOTHING OP's DH can help with. He can't save her life. Let it go, he has 95% custody of OP's SD, & BM isn't contributing financially - VERY LITTLE will honestly change!!!
"then I told my husband that
"then I told my husband that SD asks about her mom all the time, wondering why her mom doesn't see her more. Does he tell his ex that too just hte way he did me? "
btw OP, I love this!
He wants you home to watch SD
He wants you home to watch SD while he holds a vigil at BM's hospital bed :sick:
Yes, everything was fine
Yes, everything was fine until you found out how involved he still is with his ex. He had a pretty good thing going for awhile. You, taking care of the home and the kid, while he did whatever he wanted.
He has made his priority very clear and that is his ex-wife.
Of course he needs you, he needs you to take care of SD because he can't (doesn't want to). He is not even taking care of his child, his mother is.
This started out as stage 0 breast cancer a couple of weeks ago (or something like that), now she's dying? But she was not too concerned as she flitted off on vacation with her BF.
I wonder what the BF thinks of all of this or if he even realizes what's going on between the two of them.
Your husband and his ex deserve each other. You, on the other hand, deserve better.
He thought he could manipulate you as long as he wanted and now he's mad because, as he said, you are not the person he thought you were. He thought you were a young, easily fooled, blind little girl who would put up with his crap. Ha, joke's on him.
I hate to say it, but it
I hate to say it, but it honestly sounds like he doesn't want to work on the marriage at all. He just wants everything to go back to how it was, with you taking care of his child. Like others have said, I would start going to counseling without him.
He's made it painfully clear he has NO interest in changing his ways.
Go file for divorce and be
Go file for divorce and be done with him. He's clearly done with you.
Good luck
Well there you have it. He
Well there you have it. He flat out told you he'd rather take care of another woman than his marriage. That's pretty black and white to me.
Please do not ever speak with
Please do not ever speak with him again. He hung up on after telling you he was more concerned about his ex-wife than you. Maybe he'll find Jesus, and come crawling back to you. But do NOT call him, as hard as it must be for you. Call a girlfriend, apply to more jobs, go for a run, come on here.
My DH's wife has had numerous health scares. Each time he and I both reacted with, "I'm so sorry. That's very scary. Let us know what we can do to help you with the kids." That's truly all you can do.
what a jackass.....He is
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: what a jackass.....He is choosing his EX over you.....I want to punch this guy in the taint.... :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
I saw your note about
I saw your note about Princess diana and I never would have compared myself ot her but there are somethings that seem really familiar. I am starting to think that I was duped into being mom to SD and the perfect young trophy wife for DH. It's really weird to see things now for what they are, everyone in my life thinks I was living some kind of fantasy life. I guess I was! I do have access to the household checking account so I can buy groceries, gas, etc. I already took out $5,000 and so far DH hasn't said anything. I'm meeting with a friend of a friend who's a divorce lawyer hopefully tomorrow. I think from what I've read I want to be the first to file, at least for legal separation.
Pull more from the account if
Pull more from the account if you can. You cant/wont take him for everything. I dont think its in you to do that. But 5k or more and you can get the hell out quickly and frankly, it wont be into a ghetto little apartment or worse, and it would set you up for a few months of job hunting.
You do have your own car yes?
Folks, I really would not
Folks, I really would not advise this OP on taking further $ from her DH. There are likely to be one or two litigants both reading these posts or even one of the poster's BMs and cronies checking what posters are advising, and, as I predicted, the ST community has now become part of the story. This stuff is going to be regurgitated elsewhere for strategic reasons, by someone.
Please file for divorce. He
Please file for divorce. He is still involved with his ex in some way. At the very least, he has a major lack of boundaries. He is showing his lack of love for you at every single turn.
For all YOU know, his ex might have just had a mammogram. I had one once and they said there was a lump so they had to take a biopsy. That didn't mean it was malignant. I don't wish bad on anyone but I know that some of us have psycho BMs who would spin something like this if it meant having more of their ex's attention AND driving a wedge between him and his new wife.
For as manipulative as he is, you'd think he'd be able to see through his ex's manipulations. But he doesn't because he doesn't WANT to.
Yes, they want you to STFU
Yes, they want you to STFU and just be:
-the maid
-the nanny
-the secretary
-the accountant
-the paralegal
-the bed buddy
-the financial support
-the emotional punching bag
Run before it gets worse (he'll have you wiping the BM's bum once she moves in with biodad)