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Trouble in Paradise

smcpaw's picture

Well I confronted my boyfriend about my feelings of being the outsider when it comes to his daughter and exwife. The us against them syndrome is being created by both the biomom and her daughter and that is the very same thing that my boyfriend doesn't like about how they only tell him what he needs to know when it comes to his daughter. Well... that's how I now feel with this whole counseling thing (he and his daughter had their first session Monday night - which is great that they are trying to work out their differences - which was my suggestion in the first place). I was upset because when he came home from counseling, he didn't even acknowledge to me that it went good, bad or indifferent. I went to bed that night feeling like he was very distant to me. I had all kinds of things going through my mind. That maybe all the problems stem from him being with me... The next night when I came home, I planted flowers that needed planting and then went downstairs to work - which is what I planned on doing. I came upstairs to start dinner and my boyfriend asked why I was treating him poorly and that he didn't deserve to be treated that way. I then got my anger up because I wasn't treating him poorly at all. I then let him have both barrels explaining that I always give him space when he needs it - never ask him what he is thinking - I wait for him to come to me, but that I felt last night was horrible and he was treating me like the outsider and that whatever was discussed at counseling had nothing to do with me. I then told him I felt that I share everything thought, every decision making process involving my daughter with him and that I felt I deserved the same. He got mad and didn't want to talk about it. I did tell him that I felt he was more concerned with his daughter and exwife's feelings then he was with mine and that as long as they were happy, that was all that mattered. He then told me he didn't want to talk about it because I had all the answers and I was always right. I got upset at that point and told him no, I didn't have all the answers, but I always work with him to come up with a solution, but that I didn't feel he was being fair with me. We didn't discuss it any further other than he told me he would try to get a set schedule for visitation with his daughter - That was something I told him should be handled because we are always told last minute as to when she is coming and if she is staying - no forewarning. I told him that that wasn't the biggest problem, but it would be nice to know so we could plan our schedule. So, for that night, everything was quiet. He obviously didn't want to discuss it any further and it didn't matter how I felt about the situation. The only other thing he said was that I did deserve be told what was going on. He went on to say that the counseling session didn't go very well - the daughter wanted things to be the way they were before I came into the picture and it was just them and they went bike riding, etc. He now can't do that because of a neck injury and he tried to explain that to her (never mind that things were different because I was now in both their lives - not to mention the fact that I have been doing things like baking, shopping, etc. with her because her dad can't). He also tried to discuss her behavior problems, but didn't get very far and the therapist was not very much help.

Then, yesterday, at 2:30 p.m. my boyfriend got a call from his daughter (who had just gotten out of school) and she told him she was coming to our house to spend the night because her mom was going out of town (I'm sure both her and her mother knew this well before 2:30 p.m.). I was at work and my boyfriend left a message on my voice mail "just so you know, my daughter is spending the night - hope this is all right with you". Okay, enough is enough! I called him and told him I didn't like the way he phrased that, that it has never been a problem for his daughter to stay with us, but that we deserved some respect by being told ahead of time. He said he didn't mean for me to feel badly or make me feel guilty about her coming - but how I am supposed to take it and again, it is wrong for us not be told ahead of time - oh, I forgot, it doesn't matter if it disrupts our schedule, as long as biomom and daughter are happy...

I went home, we all had dinner together and then I went down to do some more work. I feel like I can't express how I feel anymore - when that was one of very reasons I cherished our relationship in the first place - because he cared how I felt and was sensitive to my feelings - not anymore - it's his way, his exwife's way, his daughter's way or the highway. Talk about a mess. I love my boyfriend very much, but I can't go on with not having an opinion or a say on matters that do affect all of our lives. I truly feel that I have no say. Help!


Dawn-Moderator's picture

Could it be that maybe your boyfriend's head is spinning with all that is going on right now? He's got people coming at him from all sides. Not that this is an excuse, mind you! You should be in the loop for sure.

I think that if you are in this for the long haul, that you and your boyfriend need to set up a meeting with this therapist. Just you and him. The therapist is not getting the whole story, only a one sided view. I bet that your boyfriend didn't get to bring up much. He was probably on the defensive the entire time. You two need to present a united front to the therapist!

Don't back down on this one. Get your point of view on record!! I am speaking from experience on this one!! I even went in to therapy meetings with notes!! The therapist got a much better picture of the situation with my input!


happy mom's picture

Wow, I had to go back and read your 1st blog and the last to get the whole picture. In my opinion, your BF doesn't know how you really feel, sit him down and tell him all the stuff that bothers you clearly. If he loves you, he'll work w/you to ease things. Make decisions right there and write them down if you have to and stick to the decisions you both make. Forget the therapist, ultimately it's your decision to change things. Regarding having exwife in functions, discontinue that I would be pissed off too. When I first got in my relationship w/my husband, I made it clear to my husband and his parents and sister that, hell no I won't deal with her in the picture in any events and they honored my wishes. You and your BF need to sit his daughter down and tell her the decisions you both made and that she will honor your decisions and have respect for you and your daughter. Then sit your 2 daughters down and tell them both that you both will not tolerate anymore fighting between them from now on, there will consequences to any of their actions if not followed. Also if it means telling the rest of your family (inlaws) tell them so they get the picture. Your 15 yr old stepdaughter does not have the last word and no her wishes is not final, she is a minor and ultimately you and your BF are the final decision makers. good luck, let me know what happens.