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I just emailed BM's boyfriend!

alwaysanonymous's picture

It might be petty but I agree with you guys who've asked how BM's boyfriend must feel about her relationship with her ex, my husband. I found BM's boyfriend's email address by looking for him on BM's facebook and then finding it on his work website. I sent him a quick note saying that I'm separated from my husband and was he aware that my husband is his ex's primary support, did he know that they talk and email and text all day long? I said that I wasn't comfortable with it and think it's inappropriate but i wasn't aware of their relationship for over a year and maybe he's not aware either and i wish someone who knew had told me what's going on between my husband and BM and so I'm telling him now. I said that she should be leaning on her friends and family and her boyfriend not her ex husband.

FTMandSM's picture

Holy shit Girl!! Let us know what he says!!! He will either see you as a crazy ex or just a person letting him know the truth. Either way, you put that bug in his ear.

milldog's picture

On pins and needles waiting for his reaction! Be prepared for some backlash from that. Tell your DH that you don't have it in you to listen to his rants over this. Next step....get hooked up with a divorce attorney. He is an ass, and that is never going to change.

SMof2Girls's picture

Our BM emailed my ex-husband after she tracked him down when she found out DH and I were officially together.

She wanted to tell him the "truth" about what was going on between us. He didn't care .. for all our faults as a married couple, he was never an irrational or crazy type. He knew I was in a new relationship and had moved on himself.

I will never understand the need to tell people the "truth". You have no investment or relationship with this guy .. so why involve him? To get even? To give BM what she deserves? Why? Let it go. Move on with your life. This will consume you if you're not careful.

SMof2Girls's picture

I've never heard of professionals giving advice to people that involves tracking down people they don't know .. and their families .. to expose the "truth" (or their version of it, anyway). To save a marriage, this would be done as a couple (meaning her DH would also be involved and on board with her decision to air out the dirty laundry). That's not what's happening here.

Yes, this scenario is different from mine. But from what we know, her DH isn't having an affair either; at least not in the legal definition of the word. Emotional? Sure .. but that's HER side of it. To him .. and possible to his family and others who know him .. he's just providing emotional support to the mother of his children.

SMof2Girls's picture

Right. I'm not saying the situation is healthy, normal, or even salvageable.

I just don't think the email was a good move. But what's done is done .. there's no undoing it. Just move on from here and focus on your own life.

SMof2Girls's picture

What affair? There's no evidence or suspicion that DH is sleeping with BM.

It'd be a real shame to see OP become consumed with this mess instead of moving on with her own life in a healthy way.

Luckily, it sounds like she's done with the nonsense.

SMof2Girls's picture

I get that both exist.

My entire point was that she is "exposing" something that is not tangible, verified, or concrete.

Suggesting she reach out to expose this affair to BM's partner and her family? Why? It's easily seen as a man emotionally supporting the mother of his children (easily construed as being in the benefit of his kids as well) and her just being unforgiving and psycho about it.

Is that right? Absolutely not. But I can't imagine that kind of reaction would help her in any way either. Seems pretty clear this BF thinks she's a nut .. but at least it's over and she can move on now.

ETA: For as much as people note that "outsiders" just don't get how complex and insane step-dynamics can be, it seems this approach is asking strangers to understand an awful lot from a woman they don't even know.

Poodle's picture

IN my experience, both personal and professional, when a cheated-on or jealous spouse contacts the partner of the suspected paramour, and starts bitching with them, this is a boundary issue and a sure nono. The approach tends to lead to fake intimacy and codependence between the two "wronged" people, who spend their time stupidly bitching about their cheating spouses and feed each other's fantasies of revenge instead of getting rid of their baggage. Often, the two "wronged" people, end up having an affair themselves. I really would find it highly surprising if most or even many therapists thought it was a great idea to get down and dirty and approach other people's partners like this. It looks like further wallowing in the mud to me personally. What's the benefit? If someone has cheated you this badly get rid of the whole mess and forget the other people involved, rather than clinging to the story and continuing the dependency. But, each to their own. I daresay the next chapter will involve what the boyfriend said in one way shape or form. After all the husband's becoming too dismissed to keep discussing further.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

I'm sure ops husband and his ap have absolutely no shame but ap BF deserves to know what kind of person he's really dealing with.
Hopefully he'll believe you and not be stupid enough to marry this person.

SMof2Girls's picture

Does he deserve to know? Do you think he doesn't know already?

I would assume that since OP had to stalk the guy on FB and look up his email on a company website that she actually doesn't know him at all. So how do we know what he does or doesn't deserve? And who are we to make that assessment?

I know one thing .. OP deserves better than this and she will only get it if she focuses on herself and improving her life situation. That doesn't necessarily happen by trying to crumble others'.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Maybe he's being manipulated and deceived too. Maybe he's trying too hard to hang in there with someone who is using him but in a different way- like paying for vacations and bills.

I don't think what op did was bad or spiteful.
Maybe the BF will appreciate that one person at least thought he was better than being kept in the dark and fed bullshit.

If you've ever been in that position you'll understand.
What happiness is op crumbling?

BF is in the same boat but since he's not married to her at least the poor bastard can make a clean getaway if he sees fit.

SMof2Girls's picture

I think a lot of assumptions go into this about this BF. People assume he's an oblivious victim.

I don't know that it was bad or spiteful either, and I'm not claiming OP is wrong for feeling the way she does. I completely understand the desire to lash out.

How many of us were "warned" before getting into the relationships we did, only to find ourselves miserable for not having followed that advice? This BF will likely be no different.

If what BM says is true; she has advance stage cancer. If this BF is the gem we all seem to be assuming he is, I doubt he's jumping ship because his GF has been leaning on the father of her children for support. Considering they have kid together and the kids will likely be affected ..

Two sides to every coin .. I just don't want to see OP disappointed in a lack of response/reaction.

frustratedstepdad's picture

Yeah most marriage counselors would NOT recommend involving the cheater's family. That's would be making a crazy situation even worse. If my wife and I had split after her infidelity, I would have never mentioned it to any of her family members.

tessa12's picture

Living well is the best revenge. Ignore all three of them. Move forward with your life. BM is really a stranger to you. This guy is a stranger's boyfriend.

QueenBeau's picture

"You ALREADY know that the dh is gaslighting you and using you for free day care and stuff so why do you try so hard?"

Exactly. I strongly suggest seeing a counselor to see why you are fighting so hard for a marriage to a man who basically said... no literally said "I don't have it in me" to work on your marriage, because he's too busy with him ex wife.

Yes, he has problems. But I think you may have more severe ones for putting up with this.

QueenBeau's picture

I'm talking about this post & the last post, the last one saying she would call DH another time & keep on talking to him etc. That, to me, is putting up with him.

Her DH should be getting served papers. He should be begging for her back. Instead she keeps calling & he keeps saying hurtful things.

I would drop it & move on.

I didn't say emailing the bf was bad. I honestly don't think it's bad or good, morally. It just is. Kinda interesting/funny. But I don't think it was a healthy move for OP who needs to work on getting over this hurt Sad

QueenBeau's picture

oh I agree it's a process. OP still seems to be in denial. That doesn't mean we encourage her to stay there. It hurts, but you have to see it for what it is.

I'm not saying don't miss him. I'm not saying don't cry. I'm not saying don't greive. I'm saying don't become obsessed with this.

QueenBeau's picture

I may say some slick shit while I'm packing my stuff. But at this point, it wouldn't matter.

Even if BM was the one lying the whole time. Even if he found out she didn't have cancer & he apologized to OP & wanted to work things out. He reached the point of no return.

But you can't go off of me. I have a bad temper and a short fuse. I understand it isn't that easy for everyone else.

I would have gotten all the closure I needed in that last phone convo where her DH told her he didn't have it in him to work on their marriage. Nothing else to say at that point. Nothing else matters.

edit to add: I still stand by what I originally said, I think OP should seek some counseling. Not just for this situation, but for her lack of support from basically everyone in her life.

lostbroken's picture

You Go Girl! That is awesome you emailed him. You might be right, he might have no clue at all. Best wishes to you and stay strong!! Smile

alwaysanonymous's picture

OMG here's the boyfriend's response. I replaced everybody's names. His repsonse is pretty rude but I guess I understand where he's coming from. DH thought they were in a serious relationship, atleast that's what he told me. Who knows what BM told him! I won't email him again, I wonder if he will show my email to BM. Sounds like maybe they're not seeing each other much so maybe not. This makes me question her diagnosis, maybe it's not as serious as she told DH or maybe DH is making it up? I don't care anymore I just want to get on with my life. A friend from college is putting me in touch with a lawyer friend of hers, hopefully I'll be able to meet with her in the next few days. I keep thinking that I'm being rash and not trying hard enough to save my marriage, it's all happening so fast. But then I think of how my husband said "I don't have it in me" to work on our marriage and I think it's over.


I don't know how you got my email address. I will respond this once. I do not want to be involved in any drama between you, BM, and DH. It has nothing to do with me.

I met BM through a friend about a month ago. She invited me on a cruise and I said yes. We are not in a serious relationship. I've only seen her once since the cruise.

I don't know anything about her breast cancer. She mentioned that she has to go in for some tests. She didn't seem too worried about it. So I would suggest that you talk with her or DH to see what's going on. I have no idea.

BM can talk with DH as much as she wants as far as I'm concerned. You are upset by that because you are married to DH. I barely know BM.

I hope it all works out for you. Do me a favor and don't involve me any further. This has nothing to do with me.

twopines's picture

His response wasn't rude. I'm surprised he was as nice to you as he was. If some random person emailed me out of the blue like that through my work I'd be livid.

SMof2Girls's picture

Agreed. Particularly my work email. Personal email? I'd probably be creeped out, but would ignore.

Unfreakingreal's picture

I think his response was actually quite cordial considering you emailed him at his job. I'd be REALLY pissed if someone did that to me.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Well now you know for sure that he is telling you lies upon lies upon lies.

Don't worry about BF he'll get over it.

It wasn't a complete waste because you uncovered even more lies.

Forget about it all of them and move on.

None of these people deserve a thing from you.

No justification no explanation snip snip cut all contacts and ties done out of there.

Hang in there. There's not a damned thing wrong with you.

step off already's picture

Our BM went off her rocker for a bit and was texting DH that she wanted to *UCK! And then would text back that she meant it for someone else and then text that she wants out and is done with the drama and then not to tell because she can't handle it.

I took the opportunity to screenshot all of that and then text it to BM's girlfriend / lover and her retired parents phones. BM had lived with the GF and her parents since leaving DH 10 years ago.

Funny... BM ended up moving out of that family's home within about 45- 60 days. I guess 10 years of the on again / off again drama was enough for the parents. The GF, however spends lots of time at her new apartment according to SS.

I say "share, share, share that information".

alwaysanonymous's picture

"This man just went on a cruise with a crazy lady." Ha! That's probably true. Thing is, he's close to my age (BM is 19 years old than me). Wonder where she got the money to go on a cruise? Well the answer is easy. DH still pays her major alimony. SHe doesn't pay child support even though we have SD 95% of the time. It's a joke, I see that now.

misSTEP's picture

I hope this all just solidifies what you know you need to do. Besides your friend's lawyer, please contact other lawyers in the area and give them confidential information. That way he cannot use them as it would be a conflict of interest.

amber3902's picture

I've been following all the posts and it doesn't sound weird to me because it's not how you describe it. OP can't keep track of BM's cancer stages because her DH keeps changing the story. Stories change when they're nothing but lies.

She didn't contact the BF to get back at BM and DH, she did it to find out if BF knew how much contact BM and DH were having.

Oh yeah, DH IS the bad guy because he expects OP to drop everything and be mommy to his daughter, when she already has a mom. DH is the bad guy because either he or BM or possibly both have greatly exaggerated the breast cancer issue. DH also lied about BM having a "serious relationship" with BF. No doubt that was to keep her from being so suspicious of how much contact he was having with BM. I could just hear him "Oh honey, I'm not interested in BM, she has a SERIOUS relationship with so and so. BM isn't even interested in me."

amber3902's picture

Aswang, I understand and I don't blame you for being suspicious. Especially if you've seen something similar on another forum. It's just the way you're describing the situation is not how the OP is explaining things, that's all I was trying to clarify.

Poodle's picture

Aswang I'm with you on this but I don't know the other site. It just reads in chapters too much. It reads as if people are reading it for a purpose other than usual.

Cadence's picture

It does sound weird. It's just, so, so soap opera. It's almost tailored to press all of the buttons of a step-parenting forum. Young sweet woman, can't have kids of her own, whisked away by a prince-like older wealthy man who *bonus!* has a young daughter whom she can love as her own. SD is an angel and alwaysanonymous and SD have no problems together, even though SD's mom hardly ever sees her (and that could lead to a troubled/acting out child).

And all is well until BM gets wind of her and alwaysanonymous starts asking questions, and then all hell breaks loose. First BM doesn't want alwaysanonymous making mother's day gifts for her with SD, then BM is calling DH about real estate, then BM has cancer but it's not serious, then it is serious, but then it might not be serious. And then BM is sooo worried she jets off with her boyfriend (who isn't really her boyfriend) instead of acting like someone who is seriously scared for her future and wants to spend every moment with her daughter.

I'm honestly not certain if this is someone practicing their screenplay writing, someone trolling from cafemom (seems interesting that they were talking about this situation over there, no?), or if this truly is someone who is very naive and mixed up and confused due to an asswipe of a husband and BM.

I feel that there are numerous lies in this story, I just can't tell who they are coming from. Alwaysanonymous -> us, DH -> alwaysanonymous, or BM -> DH.

Cadence's picture

You're welcome! It's just too good to be true... er, too bad to be true.

And there's another "tell" that seems odd for someone writing here, but I'm not giving that one up because I want to see if it changes Wink

QueenBeau's picture

I've been thinking this all along, but I mean - I play along because in the case she is a real person she needs help.

I only thought that not because of all the drama from the situation, but from the fact she goes & comes every few months, each time posting forum topic and topic, totaling up to 10-15 sometimes, then disappears.

Cadence's picture

I know, I feel guilty for doubting her if she is real, but there is something about her situation that just doesn't lend itself to credibility.

Sunflower1's picture

Thank you!!!! Anytime a new post in this saga goes up, we have close to 500 guests on the board....things that make you go hmmm.

Poodle's picture

That's fascinating and suggests another site rather than a couple of people, which had been my suspicion.

Cadence's picture

Yes, if everyone else in her life is telling her she's overreacting, why does she trust us? I mean, other than the fact that we are wise beyond our years, charming, and absolutely gorgeous, of course! Wink

Poodle's picture

No that actually would be credible. It would fit in with the clear and apparent dependent personality.

Jsmom's picture

I think you emailing him was fine. His response was pretty nice. Clearly you are being lied to and DH may be being lied to as well. I think your marriage is over. Please see the lawyer and protect your assets.

Cadence's picture

... to console her about her cancer diagnosis, of course!

Because a weepy woman who is terrified of her future health prioritizes spending time on a cruise with a guy she hardly knows over asking to spend more time with her precious daughter.

Sunflower1's picture

I wouldn't have done this. I was contacted once by a lady who was dating a guy I had been friends with and hadn't talked to for around two years. She came across as crazy. I'm surprised he even responded, personally I would have ignored you.

AllySkoo's picture

Yeah, I was a little surprised at his response as well. First that he gave one AT ALL (I wouldn't have, not from my work email!). Second that he gave so much detail! I mean... if I'd gotten that email I don't think I'd explain anything about a cruise or that I'd seen them once since then or that I knew the person was "going in for tests". Maybe - maybe - a response consisting of "Do not involve me in this drama. Please do not email me again." But that's it. Honestly, the level of detail in his return email lends credence to the troll theory for me.

Cadence's picture

Agree. No one tells someone that much level of detail about their personal life (even if it is denial of deep involvement) when they are contacted out of nowhere.

They either don't respond at all, put up an immediate and concise boundary, or flip out and ask the sender tons of questions. They don't provide additional detail in an unemotional and rational way.

It's like nonsensical Twilight up in here.

Poodle's picture

Twilight is the perfect title for it. My bet is on hubs being the vampire and young hot lover of BM being the werewolf.

Poodle's picture


Disneyfan's picture

Yes, plenty of college educated women opt to be SAHMs to THEIR OWN CHILDREN. Making that choice for someone else's kid is crazy.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I am/was a college educated woman that stayed home with my step-kids. It was best for my family as a whole at the time.

bearcub25's picture

This OP and story doesn't sound as crew like as a few other new posters in the past few months.
Someone said she will post and then not post for a few weeks. That is normal. I only post at work, so I may post something and not see the response until the next week.

Usually a crew will create drama of a high level...kicking a dog down the stairs. This OP really hasn't claimed abusive, threatening scenarios. To me they are believable posts that AA is posting.
A BM claiming a life threating illness to keep the EX involved. My BM has had 4 of those in 8 years. There has been no BMs stalking, harassing her....we have how many posters with ROs on the BMs. BM didn't like SD making SM Mothers Day gift....sounds like something we all could post.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Lol at granola mommies.

How do they find time indeed

I peeked and got a holier than thou vibe

They are probably politically correct socially and environmentally conscious electric car driving reuses le shopping bag wielding Stepford Wives.

bearcub25's picture

I was on there for a hot minute. Just like the old ivillage crowd.

their creedo: Raise your skids with pleasure and be the ole mans babysitter, doormat. The BM is the 'Mommy' and she has the last say, word on everything involving your man and their kids.