mother's day dinner

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This sort of goes in hand with sd's incident I posted a whole back. How sd was being sneaky, disobedient and dishonest but got sent to her room for 5 minutes.

Well this time it's about my daughter. DD10 asked if she could download a free game on her phone. We said no, it's too scary. Well about an hour later we are at my mother's house for a barbeque and my brother and his fiancee were there and his kids, who are much younger, but play it all the time. They keep talking about the game and how cool it is. My sister is also there with her kids, who are the same age as my kids, she had also told her kids not to play the game.

My brother (the one who allows his soon to play the game) caught them playing and came in and told us because he knew we had told them not to play.

Well I call DD10 into the room and ask her what is going on in the front room. She tells me she is watching her cousin play. Not playing herself. When we confirm with my sister's soon he days yes that's true and my brother says yes that's true. Well dh tells her that she is grounded from her phone for a week. now I was going to ground her from her phone for a week, so that wasn't an issue, but I was very taken back by this. How is he going to ground my kid for being honest (yes she disobeyed, but she didn't try to hide it, she came right out and said, yes I did it). And when he said she was grounded she didn't say a word to try to get out of it. The only thing she said was "ok". no whining, no tears

Now before anyone goes crazy on me for grounding my kid for not really playing a game, she knew that watching a scary game is no different than paying the scary game, she had horrible night terrors and things like this exaserbates them. She was only trying to show off for her cousin, and he is doing the same, and he gets night terrors too! He's also grounded Btw

Last night this was our conversation

Me: how long is DD10 grounded?

dh: I told her a week

me: how is this any different than what sd did?

Dh: ...
me: I mean other than the fact that dd didn't lie about anything.

Dh: well...

me: no, I agree she should be grounded for a week from her phone, don't worry, I just thought it was silly that sd did the same thing but also lied about it and was only sent to her room for 5 minutes

dh: it was a lot longer than 5 minutes

me: lol, ok, maybe 10 minutes, you had told her to get her things because it was time to go when she got her money...

Lol I just think it's funny that dh is really quick to throw around groundings when it's not his kid. When it is, it's always empty threats

These kids are all getting

These kids are all getting punished for doing normal kid stuff. Natural consequences work wonders.

Growing my sister and I couldn't listen to one of Slick Rick's songs in our house. Did that mean we never listened to it? Nope. We just didn't listen to, sing or dance to it around our parents. We did listen to it with our friends and cousins.

You have the power to end the double standard at any time. Just tell him to deal his kid and you will deal with you kids.

There's just something so

There's just something so offensive about your H playing the big man/strict strong dad when really where it matters he is a weak weak parent. IMO, he's showing off and using your kids to do it.

Total bullshit. I'd give my

Total bullshit. I'd give my husband ZERO authority to discipline or punish my kids if he didn't do the same for his.

Why do YOU allow this?

THIS

Well Freddy fazbear has given

Well Freddy fazbear has given my kids nightmares and fears, but I disagree completely with punishing a child for it.

It was five nights at

It was five nights at Freddy's

And THIS

If your DH is free to punish

If your DH is free to punish your child, but you are NOT free to punish HIS child, then that says more about you than it does about DH.

My H used to do the same.

My H used to do the same. Like you, I didn't think it mattered cause that's what I would have done anyways. But I stopped him because it does matter. It matters very much to kids. It is offensive to the child, and hurtful about a man who likes to play big man/strict dad and let his own kid do whatever they want.

Kids know. In my kids school, there's a kid who hits other kids. But he has ADD, and his mom is vocal and involved, and for this reason he gets away with it, and much much more. The latest he is allowed to play games on his phone in class, because it keeps him busy. There is a strict policy that is enforced for everyone but him that cell phones must be out of sight and on vibrated silent. I know why it's happening, it's late in the school year, and he's not disrupting or bullying . But my kids and all others see it as you act up horribly for years on end and get rewarded by being allowed to use your cell phone in class. I point out the big picture. At least he's out of the way, he has no friends, he gets hit a lot cause kids are on to him and hit back. I try to say you really wouldn't want to be him even if it meant using your phone in class.

No matter, it's a double standard. And kids HATE those. Your kids too nunya. Even if they are too controlled and scared to verbalize it,

Did you SERIOUSLY just

Did you SERIOUSLY just compare the behavior and coping strategies of a child with a learning disability to some skids being spoiled ?

Wow. Just Wow.

Gonna push away from this post before the delusional internet doctor/warriors show up in mass to carry on about how ADHD and Autism are not "real" and just the results of poor parenting of "bad BMs" because I just know that load of horse shit is coming next.

I know that hitting is never

I know that hitting is never ok, no matter what your disability. If the hitting is beyond the child's control, and that's a big if, but IF then the child should not be given an opportunity to hit other children, and if the child's disability is such that he needs to play games in his phone, and that's a big IF, then maybe a regular classroom isn't the place for him.

ALL kids matter. The 25-30 regular students do not deserve to have their education disrupted. They have a right to an education. Without being hit by a boy with ADD for example.

You sound like such an

You sound like such an ***hole.

Fuck Off with "if a child's disability is such he needs to play games on a phone he doesn't deserve to be in a regular classroom.

The kid shouldn't be hitting. But who the hell do you think you are to be such a **** about the kid using his phone to redirect so he doesn't hit????

Do you have ANY idea how many kids with ADHD, autism, and other disabilities use devices in REGULAR classes to help control behaviors? No. You probably don't.

You are probably EXACTLY one of those self righteous ***** who doesn't know a damn thing about having or raising a kid with disabilities but runs their mouth at every school gossiping about the kids who do have them. Who gives a FUCK if your precious crotch fruit is upset if another kid gets to watch a phone ? I GUARANTEE your crotch fruits life is WAY less complicated and tough than those kids who NEED to use the stuff you are so appalled the "Normal" kids are butthurt they can't use.

"Normal" children should be protected from violent outbursts. And if devices help stop that then good for the school to allow it. At least SOME adults have a bit of compassion and sense.

So we should go back to the

So we should go back to the days of having "those kids" all in one room in a secluded part of the school. Far,far away from all if the "normal" kids. For the record, my kid is a "normal" kid.

While I would have an issue with the hitting, I wouldn't think twice about a kid with an IEP using a smartphone, Ipad...in class.

Also, my kids school has a

Also, my kids school has a policy that the kids can use the loaner iPads any time they want. It's a simple process. Like going up to the pencil sharpener. They sign it out and return it at the end of class and sign again. If caught using it inappropriately for non school related matters, they are banned from it the rest of the day, It is working well, and almost always used as intended. But it's the use of his personal phone. Just my opinion, it doesn't sit right with me. Again, I wouldn't make a complaint.

Who cares if it's his phone?

Who cares if it's his phone? So long his hands are on it and NOT other students. @@

Yeah ultimately that's what I

Yeah ultimately that's what I told my kids. Yeah, he can sit on his phone the whole school day whatever. But kids see it as you act badly, you get rewarded with your phone.

Strength, I'd take it as a

Strength, I'd take it as a teaching opportunity to teach your kids about learning disabilities and such and frame it in such a way that they see how they are actually the lucky ones to not have to live with the symptoms or need to use such devices. You know?

I run a big household and between my son and daughters issues there definitely have been tense moments when some kids didn't understand WHY accommodations had to be made for those with special needs. It can be tough to help children understand.

And between us - MANY children with ADHD and other disabilities are hit and struck at home by over whelmed parents who have poor impulse control themselves. That doesn't explain all of it and not all parents hit. But many do. Children with ADD are the leading ones abused and murdered by parents.

I have ADHD. I was abused. I hit other kids because poor impulse control and violent up raising. Some of these ADD "bullies" are living a private Hell you will never know of.

My kids don't hurt others because I don't hurt them.

Just because kids see things

Just because kids see things a certain way, doesn't mean they are correct.

Had my son ever came home and complained about the modifications a special needs kid needed to be successful, stay on task..., I would had read hom the riot act.

*******

*****

I have had negative

I have had negative experiences with kids with disabilities , as far as affecting the regular classroom. There are many several children who do function well and are not disruptive and have an aide or share an aide. Of course inclusion should be done , if possible.

But sometimes it is not possible, and it is done inappropriately. One school year, the teacher spent all her time on 2 children with autism. The teachers aide managed the rest of the classroom,including almost all the teaching. I personally did not report this, as I felt my son was actually getting a good education from the aide. Several parents did. Nothing really changed. The principal sat in on several classes, the teacher "changed" for a few days then went back to her pattern. Those 2 autistic children were not the problem, in that case it was the teacher

Other problems, the boy with ADD. I didn't say anything about the use of his phone, and I told my kids that it wasn't fair, but sometimes that's life,and that they really wouldn't want to be like him even if they got to use their phones in class. Perhaps if it was just the use of the phone, it would be a minor annoyance. But this is after years and years of hitting. This boy hits on a regular basis. He is on the smaller end. Years ago, I had a meeting with the principal and the boys mother.It didn't last long. I let them know point blank the school needed to provide a safe learning environment free of violence, and if they couldn't or wouldn't my son would defend himself. I haven't been called back since, but other parents have, for the same issue.

Another boy wanders, and hits and bullies. Also ADD. His main issue is wandering. Which he is allowed to do, but it doesn't seem like it's part of an IEP, as in the aide walks him around. It's the teacher and/or his aide ask him to come back in, he doesn't. He is ignored. If he makes it downstairs, security stops him and walks him back up. It is disruptive. I do not think he should be in a regular classroom. The school after much parental complaints put him in a special education classroom, for all subjects except gym, music, etc etc. so while I don't like it, I don't feel it's a big deal that he wanders out during these classes, as they don't require as much of a distraction free environment as the math classes, core classes.

Inclusion is good, but not when it continuously and severely disrupts the learning process of the 25-30 regular education students.

My son has SEVERE ADHD,

My son has SEVERE ADHD, probable aspergers, and other issues. He has never ever hit another child. Ever.

My daughter has autism with mood deregulation and doesn't hit other kids. Though staff has caught fury. She has been hit by other autistic kids but only a few times over the years.

You have a school problem much more than a kid problem, IMO.

Exactly, I didn't want to say

Exactly, I didn't want to say it, as I didn't want to open up a debate. But ADD does not cause hitting, violence against others. This boy is allowed to bully others, and somehow his mother and the school apparently exscuse it due to the ADD.

And yes, my school has a bullying problem in general. They talk a good game, as in vocal anti bullying policies. But they don't put it into action. My kids do not get bullied, as they have learned to deal with it effectively to stop it immediately,

There are some underlying

There are some underlying conditions that often accompany ADHD that do create more violent behavior in some children. Especially children on the asd spectrum that are not dx. Some get overwhelmed and lash out. Some react to teasing by the "Normal" kids that teachers don't or choose not to notice. Which is highly probable in an environment that fosters an atmosphere of bullying.

When my child is overwhelmed he just completely shuts down and refuses to speak or move.

"My brother (the one who

"My brother (the one who allows his soon to play the game) caught them playing and came in and told us because he knew we had told them not to play."

I can't help what wonder why you adults keep setting these kids up. Not just that but then run a comparison competition as to discipline. Your DD knew the cousin has the game app and will be at Gma's soon playing it. She asks if she can also download and play the game. you tell her no. Then you all get to dinner and even discuss the big bad scary game. Why didn't you and your sister just ask your brother to have his kids play something else for the afternoon. You've got three sets of cousins. All visiting grandparents for dinner and afternoon socializing. So let's let the one set of cousins get out the forbidden game and play in front of two other sets of cousins? Yeah, sounds like a great idea and harmonious afternoon--not.

As to the girls, your DD did no better nor any worse than your SD did. She asked if she could download game (obviously to play it). You said no. So she just played along with cousin. Watching. Playing. All the same thing when one's been forbidden. Your SD asked to buy books. Dad told her no. SD took her own money and was going to buy them anyway. Both girls were defiant. Both girls knew they were doing wrong. There was nothing 'honest' about what your DD did. There was nothing 'honest' in what your SD did. Wrong is wrong. Defiance is defiance. The two girls just handled their getting caught in different ways. Temptation waved in your DD's face was just as taken up on as the book fair temptation was your SD's.

As to your DH? Tell him you are quite capable of disciplining or not your own two children. Just as he'll then tell you he is just as capable as disciplining his own daughter himself. Then shake hands on it and stay the hell out of each other's children's discipline from their parent.

The nephew talked about it, I

The nephew talked about it, I told the nephew and my brother to not play it, I explained to both of them it was not appropriate for my dd10, as did my sister for her ds10. And I agree what my dd did was no different than what sd did. My point was that dh was so quick to dole out appropriate punishment for my child, but so afraid to hurt his precious little snowflake. I agree that my daughter did wrong. I agree that she needs to be punished.

Do you also agree that it's

Do you also agree that it's time for each you to only deal with your own kids when ir comes to discipline? Or will you allow the double standard to continue?

I do only discipline my own

I do only discipline my own children

What about the rest of

What about the rest of it?

Are you going to make him stop disciplining your kids or will you allow the double standard to continue?

I have told him to stop

And since he continues to

And since he continues to ignore you,what are you planning to do about it?

What steps are you willing to take to protect your children? When your kids get fed up with the double standards and start to give both of you hell for it, what are you going to say to them?

Well, we will see after this

Well, we will see after this most recent incident. I've told him only one, maybe 2 other times. It's not an on going fight we have although it should be. I guess since he said he views himself as the girls' father and we were a family, I kind of went wit out for the most part. But since this most recent incident where it was sick an obvious 2+2 didn't=4 I could definitely tell him to just leave then to me.

Lmfao

Why, because we punish or

Why, because we punish or kids? Heaven forbid we actually discipline lol. Sorry, my but my daughter has night terrors and knows that she can't handle scary shows movies pictures or games. I watched some of the trailers of the game before making the decision of telling her no. She was defiant and deliberately disobeyed me. Dh threw out the discipline... yes I was taken back by it. But it's the disciplinary action I would have taken so I'm sticking to it, but I told dh to leave it to me next time.

You punish these kids for

You punish these kids for normal stuff. Natural consequences work great. You told her no, she didn't listen. The nightmares
she will have will impact her more than being grounded yet again for something silly.

You spanked your kid (and grounded her I believe because she wouldn't eat fish. The fact that kid may have been full or just didn't want fish that didn't matter.
Keep this up and you will have a kid with an eating disorder on your hands.

You two really need parenting classes.

No! I did not spank my child

No! I did not spank my child for not eating fish! I have spanked her in the past, and when I say spank I mean one small pop on the butt. I did ground her For not eating her fish.

Do you have a link to that

Do you have a link to that blog? I remember commenting on it, but can't find it now.

I don't even know which one

I don't even know which one that was on

She has dropped from the 50th

She has dropped from the 50th percentile to the 26th percentile in her weight. she only likes fruits and veggies. But won't eat any starches. she went vegetarian, which I allowed. That was an OK choice, as long add she followed my rules. She didn't, so I made her introduce fish back into her diet. She refused to eat it so I grounded her. Guess what, she is eating it now every other night with no problem, and she is back up to 41 percentile.

She wasn't eating enough as a

She wasn't eating enough as a vegetarian to sustain herself. She likes fish, she actually loves it, she was just not wanting to eat it because she is vegetarian. But she wasn't eating nuts or granola bars, she wasn't drinking protein shakes or eating beans, she wasn't eating quinoa, or anything else that I have been researching for her. So yes I forced her to eat fish, and punished her for refusing the first time

It's one thing for them to be

It's one thing for them to be like that normally but she went that way in a Mauer of 6 months

What do you mean? I

What do you mean? I researched ways to help her gain weight as a vegetarian. She wouldn't do it, I researched other ways, she wouldn't do it, I researched other ways, she wouldn't do it, we went to dietitians. Finally I looked up research saying that there was I group of vegetarians that eat fish. I tried many ways supporting her vegetarianism to get her to gain weight, but she either complained it was gross, or she didn't like the texture, or she got too full. So since I know she likes fish she eats it every other night

Wait, what??!! That isn't

Wait, what??!!

That isn't what you posted in the first post of that blog. You said she dropped a few pounds (I believe it was @5)and you (and the doctor???)wanted her to gain it back. I have no idea why the doctor would worry about a weight list that low.

I posted that it is normal for active kids to lose weight during the spring and summer. And that she would gain back I the fall/winter. I also said if you keep this up,your kids were going to end up with eating disorders.

Did you delete that blog? Why did you change the reason why you wanted her to eat the fish?

*

No, then you misunderstood,

No, then you misunderstood, or remember the wrong blog, my daughter went from being in the 50th percentile for all of her existing life to 26th percentile in the just a short while. I tried everything. I really did.

I don't post blogs. I only post in the forums. I can't delete forum posts, so no, I didn't delete it. I never changed the reasoning add to why I wanted her to eat the fish. You see I think that you keep getting me confused with someone else. Our you just really want me to have a secret motive, but I just don't.

Well, that's not true... I do have a secret, i'll tell you, but you have to keep it a secret. I have a heart. I care. I care about my kids, I care about my husband. And her is the real kicker, as much as she drives me up the wall and I complain about her and want to hang her from the ceiling by her toes with duct tape (just kidding) I care about my step daughter.

I know what I read and what I

I know what I read and what I responded to.

What you posted then about the fish thing isn't what you posted here. You posted it right after your book fair and bullying posts.

When I first read it, I assumed it was a "see, my kids aren't perfect and I get on them as well" post.

Now that I think about, it may have been posted as a blog. I remember Ripley suggesting on the bully post that you post blogs from. That way you could delete comments.

I still haven't posted in the

I still haven't posted in the blogs.

Nunya, your DD is going to

Nunya, your DD is going to hate you someday for letting this happen. I was her once. Trust me. My stepfather forever changed my relationship with my mother. It's a loss for me (and her, I'm sure) that can't be quantified in words.

Did anyone here read the blog

Did anyone here read the blog that Iruyas posted yesterday?

That was a good look at how double standards cam impact a kid and the ugliness that can result from it.

I was thinking about that

I was thinking about that blog! This girl is going to be telling her SD to suck on a bag of dicks in 5 years too.

And she will have no respect

And she will have no respect for the mother who forced her and her sister to live with this.

Can you past a link to which

Can you past a link to which blog you are referring to?

I don't know how to post a

I don't know how to post a link from my ohine. Search her name and the blog will pop up.

http://www.steptalk.org/node/

http://www.steptalk.org/node/216865

People who sacrifice their

People who sacrifice their kids on the alter of a piece of ass or financial stability ought to be drawn and quartered.

Meh. While I probably

Meh. While I probably wouldn't have handed out such a stiff punishment myself, I don't really have any issue with you guys doing that. Not like you locked her in her room with only bread and water for a week. She's grounded. She'll live.

For what it's worth though, I DO agree with others that YOUR JOB, as their mother, is to protect them from this double standard, and you're failing. Tell your DH that until he can discipline his own kid, he's not to hand out any consequences to yours. That's not to say he can't bring things to you to deal with, or send them to their rooms if they're misbehaving and you're not there - then YOU can hand out a consequence when you get home.

Right, I see what you're

Right, I see what you're saying, and I she. He really had no right to jump in and give the punishment, even though I would have given the same punishment. and really, that's what I was trying to say. And I hope with my talk I had with dh last night it dawned on him how much of a double standard he is having

wow..this conversation got

wow..this conversation got way off track for a while but I'm glad it got back to the topic at hand.

This is how I was explain by a counselor how disciplining should work in a blended family.

You and your spouse need to have a solid foundation. Without a solid foundation eventually the house will crumble and fall down. So when disciplining, this is a how it is suppose to play out.

1. Child breaks rule, gets caught, and is told there will be a consequence for breaking rule.
2. Both BP and SP discuss, not in front of child, and come up with consequence.
3. Then the BP delivers the consequence to their own child, thus not making the SP the bad guy.

You are correct though that consequences in your household are not balanced. It will cause resentment, and obviously already does. It won't get better unless you and your spouse are on the same page.

And this is what I think is

And this is what I think is so funny,because when it comes to my kids we agree 100%on disciplinary tactics. Like he knew exactly what I would have done and I would have backed him 100%. And honestly that's why I really had a hard time processing my feelings about how he dealt with my daughter: "He dealt with her exactly how I would have dealt with her, so why did I hate him dealing with her?" so we ate on the same page when it comes to my kids, but when it comes to his, it's like he changes the page or something, and I'm still on the last page... I feel so lost.

no, if this were the case, sd

no, if this were the case, sd would not be constantly acting out the way she does. She is CONSTANTLY doing things. They aren't horribly bad. I am not saying she is the devil child, but with more correction she could be such a pleasant child to be around. Right now he just threatens all her behavior. Where as before he would actually do something.

I think he truthfully thinks when we got married that I became her mommy and mommies do all the patrenting (that's not even true in intact marriages). what's weird is he came from a blended family he knows better.

Just yesterday when they walked in the door she screamed at the top of her lungs (something he has threatened to punish her for numerous times) he told her to not do it again or she will be grounded, she did it again, less than 10 minutes later. What did he do? Threatened her again with the grounded, this time he says "really sd? Will I really have to ground you?"

You felt resentful because

You felt resentful because even though it would have been the same thing you would have come up with. He doled out the discipline to your child without your input and it wasn't fair in your eyes with how he disciplines his daughter. That's why you guys need to start using this process or you will undermine the whole foundation of your relationship and the family structure soon crumbles. You will resent both him and his daughter. You opened the door already by pointing out the the two girls did something wrong and had very different consequences. Believe me in saying that your daughters are not blind to these differences in treatment. If they know you will be discussing a consequence as a team, it strengthens your relationship in their eyes. If the BP delivers the consequence, the SP isn't the evil step parent always "abusing". Try it ....tell you husband you want your family to have a solid foundation and you came across a technique that will help you become a team to create one for your family. Tell your kids their actions have consequences...good and bad. When something happens, a consequence will not be given until both of you decide on what the appropriate consequence will be. (But it should be done within a timely manner i.e. that night, the next day) Then the BP disciplines their child. Follow through on the consequence and be consistent. Kids will test you...stay strong!

To the other comments, yes

To the other comments, yes every kid is different and has different needs and require different consequences. But parents should decide on needs and consequences together...and if a consequence is negative then the BP should deliver it to their own child, preserving the relationship between the SP and child.

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