Mine and BM birthdays
Boyfriend barely remembered my birthday back in August. Woke up that morning and went and got flowers. Says it crept up on him and he didn't realize it had come so soon so no gift. Whatever. Let it go. Yesterday he goes "Oh crap! My dad's birthday is Sunday and BM is Monday! I have to go get something." LOL can't bother to remember my birthday or try and make it special but BM needs a gift or whatever. Yes he's only doing it because he wants to show his daughter a good example and not because he actually wants to get her something, but WTF. Thinks about her birthday days in advance but can't do that for mine. What a joke. And he can't even say oh it's because my dad's is the day before, because mine is the day before his mom's! Trying not to be pissed but damn. This is annoying me.
I get your frustration. How long have you been with your BF?
How long was he with BM?
I will say that when you have been married 10, 20 or however many years, those dates get engrained into your brain, particularly if the wife may have been high conflict. I was married for decades and still to this day, I remember my ex's birthday, his parents and my nieces from marriage. When you're in that world, it's just what you do.
Most likely he is trying to be good role model for his daughter, which in no way minimizes your pain and frustration. Did he possibly mean he needed to get a gift for his father? If not, would you feel better if he selected a gift that was specifically from their daughter?
It's a tough spot to be in, no doubt, but with your brief message, it's also tough to tell what the circumstances are, but the "jist" is you're upset that he didn't remember YOUR special day (as you should be, as we all would be most probably). Did he remember last year? Is this a one time occurance?
Is it worth my time telling
Is it worth my time telling him that this bothered me or just let it go? The issue is NOT with him getting his daughter something to give her, but that he could barely remember my own birthday much less plan to do something about it days in advance.
Definitely mention it to him.
Definitely mention it to him. My husband is more responsive if I am sad rather than angry, I think it activates is need to take care of me rather than making a fight, try that approach.
My birthday is in August too and I will casually mention that it is coming up in July... Say things like "that would be a good birthday gift" or "I would like to go out to eat for me birthday, are there any new restaurants?" You have to remind them for a few years until the date sticks. I'm sure BM never let him forget.
Why is he getting his ex-wife
Why is he getting his ex-wife a birthday present? That's the weird part to me.
Agreed
Ususally someone else in SDs life helps them get a gift. Not the ex. I would be super irritated.
Oh, the gift is from the KID.
Oh, the gift is from the KID. Gotcha. If BM has no SO or anyone to help SD get a gift, I wouldn't mind him doing it, but shouldn't he be talking it over with SD, not jumping up to get her a gift before even talking to the kid?
I'd be annoyed too.
"Oh, the gift is from the KID."
Actually I don't think OP said that it was. I think she said he wanted to set a good example which doesn't mean that he was getting the gift from the SD. It sounds like he was getting it from him. Maybe OP could clarify.
Either way I say no gift for BM. No matter how long OP has been with him... Huge deal breaker to remember her birthday and not OP's. I would been down the road and not looking back. This is setting a precedent if she tolerates this
My skids are young (4 and 7),
My skids are young (4 and 7), so they don't have money to buy BM a gift. DH and I are not about to buy BM a birthday present, but we do remind the skids of BM's birthday and encourage them to make crafts and cards. This year BM has a new husband, so if he wants her to have a gift from the skids, he can take them out and buy one. I do not think it is at all necessary for your boyfriend to buy his ex a birthday present. On the other hand, I don't see anything all that wrong about it, although I'm not sure what he "teaches" his daughter unless he discusses the gift with her and preferably takes her along to pick it out.
The bigger issue is YOUR birthday, and the fact that you didn't get the gift and recognition you deserved. Even if he didn't remember the occasion until he woke up, what prevented him from going out during the day and getting you something, and picking up a cake and giving you a proper celebration? Isn't this your first birthday since you've been together? Seems to me he should have made it special. I wouldn't automatically assume you're not at all a priority for him, because he might just be one of those guys that doesn't "get it" where occasions are concerned and doesn't remember most of them, but it's not a good look. If occasions are important to you, you might have to start reminding him well in advance, even though you shouldn't need to.
I'm of the opinion that it's
I'm of the opinion that it's a parent's job to teach their kids about gift giving - the importance of remembering and celebrating others, how to be gracious and considerate, and how it's a part of the social contract we share with those we care about.
I'm also of the opinion that we get what we're willing to settle for, that it's important to communicate expectations, and that many men need training.
If your bf means to help his young children make or get a gift for their mom's birthday, I see that as teaching his kids about cosideration for others and about how good it feels to do something nice for someone else. Frankly, there's a lot of selfish spoilt skids out there who obviously never were taught this, and it doesn't necessarily mean BM still has his b@lls in her purse.
You can also use this as a teachable moment for your bf. But I think you should be gentle and choose your words carefully, because the point at which you should have spoken up was before your birthday. You should have nicely communicated your expectations beforehand, shown your disappointment on the day, given the guy a chance to fix things and learn from his mistake. Guys want us to be straight with them, they really do, but if you come at this the wrong way months later, you'll be seen as b!tchy or high maintenance. So as a PP suggested, go with sadness when you point out the difference between this birthday and your own, but own your mistake too as you move forward as a couple.
"If your bf means to help his
"If your bf means to help his young children make or get a gift for their mom's birthday, I see that as teaching his kids about cosideration for others and about how good it feels to do something nice for someone else. Frankly, there's a lot of selfish spoilt skids out there who obviously never were taught this, and it doesn't necessarily mean BM still has his b@lls in her purse."
I agree, I don't see what the big deal is with helping a kid get a present for the other parent - though I think they should pick it out and it should be out of the kid's money. When I helped my SS get presents for BM, I did it for HIM, not for his mother. And I'd only do it if he asked.
What????????? What year is this thinking from???
"But I think you should be gentle and choose your words carefully, because the point at which you should have spoken up was before your birthday. You should have nicely communicated your expectations beforehand, shown your disappointment on the day, given the guy a chance to fix things and learn from his mistake. "
What??? Why blame OP? No one should need to communicate how they would like to be treated on their birthday. I have never heard of such a thing. There is no way that she is to blame for anything that happened. There is no man with a brain on this planet that would not be smart enough to know that he needs to remember his significant others birthday and NOT his ex-wife's!!!
The OP was disappointed by
The OP was disappointed by her previously enjoyed bf on her birthday THREE MONTHS AGO. That is when she should have addressed the issue. This guy was someone else's H, and is still playing by rules established during that relationship. I'm not saying this is okay, but rather that the OP needs to decide on the outcome she wants and be prepared to stand up for herself in real time or she'll just come across as needy and jealous. Maybe he grew up in a home where birthdays weren't celebrated; maybe he's terrified of his ex - we don't know. What he's doing now is wrong, but it was also wrong of the OP to not communicate honestly before and on her birthday. If she wants a future with this man, they need to work this stuff out, and that starts with laying out expectations.
Keep reading on ST, and you'll see that sadly there are many men who do need to be taught to meet basic relationship expectations. Hopefully the OP will make her expectations clear, and her bf will strive to meet them.
Write a lot that you deleted
Write a lot that you deleted here?
No, tog. I have no idea how
No, tog. I have no idea how that happened.
I know, was just teasing.
I know, was just teasing.
HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL, I think you overestimate
LOL, I think you overestimate some men.
Yes exactly. My DH can now
Yes exactly. My DH can now remember my birthday 10 years in!
And if she was hurt by how he handled her birthday she has to let him know. Men are not mind readers and he may not know she's hurt.
Kolendbl,
Kolendbl,
let me help DH get a present to you, like the skids need help getting a present to BM.
Dear Kolendbl,
This morning I woke up beside the most beautiful person In the world! Im so happy and grateful that you chose me to spend your life with! I am not so good with suprises, so I went out and got flowers for you! I want to show you how much I love you and you can help me by telling me before hand what you would like the most!! When you figure out what will delight you the best for each special day, Ill buy you two or four of them!! Do you want two new pairs of jeans? Do you want two new stew pots? How about two cool seat covers for your car? 4 whole chickens to bake? Tell me ahead of time "I am buying two jugs of the good conditioner from the hair salon, (or whatever you want) and this is my birthday present from you!" It will make me so happy that you are happy!! also I am only going to remember BM's birthday until the skids can remember on their own, then I will forget. 11 years old should be old enough. and I don't care what the kids get her, macaroni statue of Elvis that they glued together should be good. I cherish every moment with you and am so glad you picked me!!!
LOVE , Kolendbl's DH (booboo helped him with it.)
I'd be pissed off that he'd
I'd be pissed off that he'd forgotten my birthday but was bothering about BM's, even under the guise of doing it for his daughter. How old is the child? If she's under 11, she can make something for BM, not have somethng bought. And any older than that she needs to be saving her pocket money to buy a small token or asking a relative on BM's side to help.
Heck yes you should be upset!
Heck yes you should be upset! This would be a major deal breaker for me. You all aren't even married yet, and he already has more of a desire to please BM and SD, than you. You all are still dating, he's supposed to be impressing you, and this is his best behavior? It only goes downhill from here.
new partners have to be
new partners have to be retrained to what we do or dont do in a family home, just like a new foster kid has to learn what we do or dont do in this home.
DH: I've JUST GOT to REMEMBER BM's birthday!!
WIFE: no, no, your not with her anymore, you are not required to do that anymore, maybe just focus on the partner you already have, lets try to practice remembering my birthdate!
(Scene)
WIFE: OH NO! DH, why are you saving a jar of your old finger and toe nail clippings in the medicine cabinet?
DH: I don't know, I was raised that way.
WIFE: Well, you don't have to do that anymore, you are with me now.
(and Scene)
Foster KID: (standing on the couch with shoes on)
Foster parent: lets take off those shoes and put them by the door, they have mud on them. and lets not put the bottoom of our feet on the couch, what would happen if we needed to put our sandwitch there to use the remote?
(and Scene)
He's already trained.
He's already trained. Obviously, he has no problem remembering and celebrating his parents and his ex wife's birthdays. I could see if he tended to forget in general, but he doesn't, he's able to remember. OP is just not on his priority list, and IMO if I'm not on my BF's priority list, time to find a new BF. I love that phrase "he's just not that into you".. I could see maybe if they were married, trying to work this out... but they're not, why settle for being treated second class, especially when you can get out easy. Find another fish. There's plenty out there.
I don't know if it's fair to compare my DH, but he forgets birthdays, he just does. However, a couple of months before my birthday comes, he gets little kid excited about what we're going to do or what he's going to get me, because he looks forward to it because he loves me, and he wants to see me smiling and happy.
First, your DH
First, your DH did not forget your birthday. He blew it off. He remembered that morning and got flowers. OK, some people are bad at dates and life can get hectic. But plenty of adults celebrate birthdays when it is convenient rather than on the exact day. When our birhtdays are on a weekday, my DH and I will give each other something token and actually celebrate on the weekend. Your DH may have messed up by not having gotten something by the exact day but that does not mean he is off the hook to celebrate your birthday in the manner that your family does for adults. In your case that apparently means presents so he should have gotten his butt in gear and purchased something. Not assumed he got a pass because he missed the day.
Second, after failing on your birthday, making a deal out of BM's birthday would send me into orbit. OK - that he had her date fixed in his mind more firmly is reasonable as he had been married to her and had it likely pounded into his head. Also, it is important to teach the children how to treat people. But to show that he knows damned well how to get a woman a birthday gift and failed to do so for you is disrespectful and a clear sign of where you sit in his priority levels.
You asked if you should tell him how upset you are. I would say yes and to do so in a calm and reasonable manner. And I would pay attention to his reaction. If he expresses remorse that he hurt you and made you feel "less than" and tells you how he intends to make it up to you or do better in the future then I think you have a chance at a good future. But if he gets defensive or tells you that your feelings are stupid or your are jealous or any version of that crap then I would give serious thought to whether he is willing to meet your needs and what you are providing to him in exchange for what you are receiving. Relationships are give and take and it would seem in that case that his focus on the giving part is not going to you but to others instead.
Fingers crossed for you that he reacts well and just was not thinking clearly when he failed to recognize your birthday.
Hahaha aftermath...
I feel so thankful that you all have given such well thought out advice. I feel like I'm talking to my mom and getting the frank advice I need (I don't talk to her about these issues because she's not supportive of me being in a relationship with someone that has a child unfortunately). Thank you all!!
So turns out the birthday rolls around this morning and my boyfriend...what do you know....forgot BM birthday was today!! I had to remind him. Not sure if this makes me feel better or what. It leads me to believe he might just be someone who doesn't remember these things well. Now to figure out if it's just one of those annoying qualities of a man that we can work on, or if it's out of blatant not caring. I told him this morning I was going to get us a calendar so we can keep track of any important dates coming up well in advance.
Dating is hard enough, I guess I had no idea what I was getting myself into adding someone else's child and subsequently her mother into the equation as well. Ugh.
yeah, just no
NO reason BMs bday should be relevant AT ALL. This is momma cLove speaking, and tapping your head with a ruler!!!!!
Ive seen that lovely meme or whatever they call it these days, about how a father can show his daughter how she should be treated as a mother, even if they are not together. Bullchit!!! Bull on that chit. Seriously. Chit.
How about your SO show a fabulous example by how he treats YOU, the person he is in a relationship with!!!!
You must be VERY new at this. Well stick around here honey, because its about to get worse, not better.
Hopefully the calendar idea works.
I used to allow the ex Toxic Troll to help SD buy my DH a card for fathers day and bday. This year I took her myself.Im going to do that for Christmas too. And fathers day...I did that.
Your Mom Is Right
I love all these replies giving your ex the benefit of the doubt... he didn’t forget, he doesn’t care. This is narcissistic devaluation and why my ex, after spending over $15K on the stunning engagement ring of my dreams just handed it to me in bed one morning like it was a fucking donut. He didn’t want to make an effort or give me an awesome proposal story to tell because that might make me feel special or — god forbid — loved. He knew exactly what he was doing forgetting your b-day and then making a scene about hers. It’s pure manipulation. Hope you kick him to the curb for good and find a nice man with no baggage. As the stalkers pointed out to me, every minute you are with that waste is a minute you are not meeting someone else amazing.
You have every right to feei
You have every right to feei hurt. And he should not be shopping for BM's birthday. Does the kid not have any family members on BM side to help with this sort of thing?
You have every right to feei
You have every right to feei hurt. And he should not be shopping for BM's birthday. Does the kid not have any family members on BM side to help with this sort of thing?
My DW never recognized the
My DW never recognized the Spermidiot's B-day and I don't think my SS even knows the Spermidiot's B-day. DW, SS and I always have recognized and celebrated each other's B-day. No one in the SpermClan has ever recognized SS's B-day except on his 18th when he asked if he could stay in SpermLand for an extra 2wks. That extended his final SpermLand visitation under the CO to include h is B-day. They were the ones who chose the start date of his summer visitation and never chose a start date that would include his B-day. Yet, nearly every year they would whine that they never got his B-day.
They always chose a summer visitation start date that denied 4th of July for my DW. The CO granted my DW 10 days of visitation with SS after the first 2wks of their 5wk summer visitation as long as she took that time in the area where the SpermClan lived. Even in the years that DW informed them that she would be taking her 10days they disappeared with SS on some double secret activity so DW could not have her 10day mid summer visitation time with SS. Part of the reason we never agreed to any extra time for them. Ever.
They had a strange tendency to whine about "special" events they never had SS for and cried when they were told hell no after they pulled some toxic manipulative crap.
B-days should be recognized and usually are by people who actually care about the person whose B-day it is. Toxic dipshits on the other hand.... meh.
We told SS that he was about to turn 18 and could choose for himself how long he wanted to visit the SpermClan and even where he wanted to live. He assured his mom that he only wanted an extra couple of weeks and gave her the date he would return home.
Even that last visitation that included his B-day... the SpermClan did not recognize the B-day. Just another example of their crap and proof that the entire 16 years of the CO had nothing to do with SS and everything to do with manipulation, control, and them.