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Annoyed- unequal gift giving by inlaws

pixielady's picture

Rant- DS just turned one! As a gift inlaws gave him a $20 toy and no card. For SSstb9, they give him cash of at least $50 and several toys/games and those oversized cards.

I plan on just ignoring, but wtf. I know ppl who have birthdays close to Christmas sometimes get the shaft but baby just turned one. They feel sorry for SS because he’s a cod.

Comments

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

A 1 year old doesn't understand the concept if money or equality.

See what happens when he is old enough to understand.

twoviewpoints's picture

Didn't you write that your DH confronted his parents and told them to knock off the amount and expense of gift giving?

Now they started and you're still angry?

bananaseedo's picture

He's 1- why on earth would a baby need a card? The amount-meh, kids don't understand money amounts at that age-I agree, wait until baby is older to get annoyed...because I assure you it will happen-so save the justified anger till then. Your kids will never be as good as the golden SS from the first family. Put a stamp on that. Just the way it is-it sucks though.

pixielady's picture

I keep special cards. Thought it would be nice to keep first birthday cards for DS’s memory box.

queensway's picture

I agree about the birthday card. It is his 1st birthday. The card is special for a child who turns 1. That is the big birthday. I have never given a birthday gift to a child without a card. I do find that very strange that your MIL would not give a 1st birthday card to her grandchild and not write something loving inside. But that's just me.

notarelative's picture

SS is stb9. Wait to see if they cut down on his gifts at next birthday. If they listened to their son this birthday will be smaller.

It's not unusual in non step families for grandchild #1 to get large gifts that get smaller over time as the family enlarges. My first husband talked of how, in his family, grandchild gifts got smaller as the family grew. By the time we married and my oldest was born ( grandchild #25) grandma was retired and living on social security, and each grandchild got a card with a dollar inside.

pixielady's picture

Thanks for the insight. It’s not that DS will notice just that I noticed. We don’t need any gifts at all, it’s the blatant spending 3-4x as much on Ss that shows their favoritism.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I'm confused now. Are you saying that when SS got his first birthday gift he got the stuff your listed but now your son got less all these years later?

Or are you comparing the gifts DS just got for his birthday to the what SS got on his most recent one? If so how long ago was SS's last birthday?

pixielady's picture

Sorry for the confusion. SS has always gotten multiple gifts/cash for his birthdays from what I’ve seen in the past few years and from what DH has told me about previous SSs birthdays when he was married to bm. sS turns nine next month. Thank you all for the feedback. Glad forums like this exist to let you know when you’re being unreasonable or justifed. I may have overreacted.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I feel that you may end up justified but until your son is older you need to hold.

When my nephew was born I did everything. I went over the top insane crazy. When my niece was born less than 2 years later I toned it down.

I understand that it does feel like favoritism but it's still unclear. A 1 year old just doesn't need much. Even when it comes to toys it's very easy to quickly go over the top. A 9 year old in a way needs more. They understand more and aren't as easily entertained. 1 gift for a 1 year old goes a lot further than even 2 or 3 for a 9 year old.

And on top of that yes the one close to Christmas gets burned by extended family. My sister is about to have a birthday. Growing up my mom is the only one who did equal gifts for me and her. Mine is in the middle of the year. A lot of my family just gave my sister a TINY bit more on Christmas and gave the whole "well that's your birthday too."

Wait for Christmas when the little one is about 3,4, or even 5. Gifts might not be the same even then because 12 year old's have VERY expensive toys but it should be easier to see fairness. I know SO and I tried our best to be equal with his kids. In ways his daughter got much better but then again she's older and wanted more expensive toys. We spent the same on both kids because of sales but the boys wanted more typical toys while the girl wanted electronic based toys. One of the gifts we got the girl was normally $100. We got it for $25. It blows the little ones blocks out of the water but they cost the same and for both of them it was the main item they asked for.

I was still worried on Christmas morning that the kids might see things as unequal. The little ones toys were bigger. The oldest were worth more. The little one had more in his stocking. The oldest had more expensive items in hers but when it was all said and done they were happy and we felt it was fair.

So unless it's blatantly obvious like one gets pair of socks while the other gets an x-box try to relax and give it time.

pixielady's picture

Thank you for the advice, don’t feed. I appreciate you taking the time. DS is my first baby and it would break my heart to see his grandparents treat SS better. I guess we won’t know for awhile as you said.

bananaseedo's picture

Another thing- could it be that after the Holidays they are just spent? It's a reality for kids born around HOlidays. I'm not saying that they won't make differences, it's a sad reality to accept as the 2nd wife-that said....you're sounding quite entitled honestly.

GoingWicked's picture

My in-laws did the exact same things and I didn't say anything. My in laws are nuts about SD, the very rare times we visit, it's all about her. I get to listen to how smart/wonderful/beautiful she is, and they take her out for ice cream and shopping for presents without their other two grandkids. DS was 4 or 5 when he started noticing, and we finally made a stink, and there was a big blow up, because they're oblivious and think they're being fair. A year after the blow up, they ignored yds's birthday, bought SD more presents than ods on his birthday. Then proceeded to ask me if it was ok to buy SD a $200 game system ods also wanted, btw, for her birthday. Needless to say, I'm polite, because they raised my DH, but I don't go out of my way to encourage my kids to have a relationship with their crazy and toxic grandparents.

Ladystark's picture

I get how you feel, it happens. I learned my lesson a long time ago- say anything your petty- so kill them with kindness. My fun thing i do with MIL after she buys ss new hoodies or pants, or whatever, i tell her how much he does NOT wear her outfits!! Lol i tell her how he told me he hates the way the hoodie feels, or the pants -that he picked out- now he hates the color or whatever.

Noone listens to me they buy this teen so many clothes, drop money on him, and he wears NON OF IT!!! Or he forgets it somewhere- so i tell her when she gets on my nerves.

Ladystark's picture

I still remember one time he was 11, she bought him a whole new outfit when he spent the night, the nextday they went to a cookout and he ruined the new 25 dollar pants she bought...haha..

This year she had him pick out a 50 dollar hoodie, its really thick nice hoodie- he wore it once to school and now wont wear it again- haha. Idiots.

notasm3's picture

I personally HATE with a white hot passion that a baby turning a year old gets hundreds if not thousands of dollars in presents. It is absurd. When my DH’s GS turned one I sent DH with a $35-40 gift. Of course I was not invited to the birthday party.

That child literally got about $3000+ worth of gifts. Our gift was onsidered to be modest and inconsequential even though picked out with consideration as to what he liked.

No child whether in an intact marriage or a cod should routinely get thousands of dollars of presents just because they exist.

pixielady's picture

I did not not do ever want DS to get tons of presents. I do want fairness and DH has requested his parents NOT spend a lot on either child. They listened when it came to DS but not when it came to SS. I guess from reading these boards I can’t expect fairness due to age difference and due to inlaws trying to “make it up” to SS that his parents are divorced.I told my own family to not spend a lot and if they weren’t too offended that I would rather have a little cash to put into DSs 529 account. a couple gave him modest (single) gifts and a couple of them contributed to his account.

twoviewpoints's picture

I'm curious as to how you know exactly what SS received for Christmas a couple weeks ago from the grandparents. If your Dh did not allow the grandparents to come for Christmas this year, did the grandparents send SS's presents to your home or straight to BM's home?

Was it through facetime that Dad perhaps saw and was told about everything Grandma sent SS? Same as with SS's upcoming birthday. If the SS isn't going to be at I assume GMa will send whatever present/s for SS directly to BM.

I'm not sure Dad can control what GMa buys or sends to BM when it actually isn't taking place in your home, nor in front of the younger child.

I'm asking because I do do things and buy more for one grandson (GS16 my ODS's child) than for my other grandson (GS15 my ODD's child). Partially because I am allowed access to GS16 and have a very close relationship with him. With GS15, I have to jump hoops and am offend 'punished' (denied access) when my son-inlaw decides to play games. I have not been allowed to have a close relationship with GS15 but his father (my SIL) is very high conflict. My two grandsons have not seen each other in over five years.

pixielady's picture

DH FaceTimed with SS Christmas evening and SS told him. No dad can’t control what they send to BM, but he does have a right to ask that they not spoil his children. This has been an ongoing issue with them, that’s why finally this Christmas he asked them not to come. Believe me this was very difficult for him and for me. Even though I don’t enjoy their visits I still was raised to respect my elders as put up with their idiosyncrasies. I WANT my DS to have relationships with his grandparents. We are not making them jump through hoops. We just want them to not put SS on a pedestal and treat him like he can do no wrong. It causes havoc in our home, especially when they visit for 2-3weeks.

DH is going to be with SS for his birthday next month as he is traveling to his town.

FrenchPeas's picture

I have five great nieces all under four. Two are around one. For their Christmas, i bought them each what i wanted them to have. The two middle girls received identical gifts as did the two one year olds. The oldest was given something different. With my nieces and nephews, i loved getting to the point of giving cash. Now that three are married, they get gift cards or family games. I spend what i like on each.

I guess what just irks me on all of this mess is that no one is entitled to any gift. Equal amounts or not. It is a gift. I was shirked as a child by one grandmother. I noticed the favoritism as did my parents. Their explanation made perfect sense. Yes, it was noticed but you have been blessed by those who love you. Don’t bother with petty issues of other people. It stuck with me. Even when i saw it going on with my children and their cousins on the father’s side. My children were more gracious and sweeter kids than their spoiled brat cousins. One of whom literally slapped their grandfather across the face for not starting her movie fast enough. Neither of my children would have EVER behaved in such a horrid manner. And the difference was noted. I never mentioned a thing to the grandparents but i used it to teach my children a valuable lesson about character. Stuff is just that. Stupid stuff that will be broken or lost or not valued. Being a kind and loving person is the most important thing. My kids often laugh about it all now.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that using this as your child grows up to teach him about good character and what is TRULY important in life is really more valuable than any chunk of plastic that will end up in a yard sale or the trash eventually. My kids often tell me how rotten family visits go with the spoiled stinks. Temper tantrums and fights still happen with them and are just louder now that they are young teens. LMAO.

Don’t allow it to upset you. Hugs!!!

twoviewpoints's picture

"One of whom literally slapped their grandfather across the face for not starting her movie fast enough."

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

FrenchPeas's picture

It happened. I was floored. She’s the “favored” granddaughter. She also knocked over a big Christmas tree damaging some very expensive ornaments that my mother in law collects. It was all forgiven without a fuss, of course. Had my child done that, we would have been asked to reimburse her and she would have harshly condemned my child. They were so ugly about my sweet son, that i didn’t speak to or visit them for a year. And they got the message.

A few years later she admitted that our visits were so much more enjoyable as our two were actually pleasant and respectful. I bet it took a lot for her to admit that. It’s just a shame that they have favorites. But they have come around where my two are concerned.

pixielady's picture

Thank you for the sage advice. You’re right no one is entitled to a gift, but it’s just what the gift represents- that they value SS more than DS. That upsets me.

I will teach him to be gracious anyway and not to slap his grandparents across the face. Smile

Thumper's picture

Try to be gracious and send them a thank you regardless of how unfair it feels. Grace does take courage. I know because I have been there.

JMO

pixielady's picture

Thank you, Goodluck! I love that: Grace takes courage. It really does, especially when you really just want to go off on people. Smile You know the whole WWJD? This is kind of silly, but I try to think of WWKD? What would Duchess Kate do? She wouldn't go off on people about something as piddly as gifts, she would smile and be gracious, leaving the nasty thoughts about others in her head only, knowing that she's royalty.

This is why I love Steptalk! It can take you from a place of annoyance and ranting (where I was when I wrote the first post on this blog) to acceptance and grace. (Obviously that doesn't work for every situation, especially if one is dealing with a HCBM, but it does for something like this.)

secret's picture

Meh. When my first born turned one, I was broke AF. His gifts? A bunch of groceries, wrapped up. We took pictures of the gifts before they were "unwrapped". Looks like a bunch of gifts... but really, a box of cereal, some peanut butter, bread, box of crackers, juice... lol

My grandmother also made him a mobile for his room - it was knitted stars and a moon... it was made with scrap yarn she had... it was cherished for years.

I had more money but not much when my 2nd was born... so she got a little more "stuff"... but it was still "stuff" for me, not so much for her. Like diapers, onesies, new clothes, etc... but she didn't get the same type of mobile, and I was disappointed.

Thing is... the only reason I was disappointed, is that the expectations *I* had were not met. She was under no obligation to make my dd a mobile, we hadn't discussed it in any way. I was 21, and I got snippy with my grandmother about it. I tried to make her feel bad. She put me in my place... and I never forgot it.

Nobody is required to give your child a single thing... and when they ARE generous enough to gift your child with something, they are not required to give the same as they gave someone else. It's ok to feel slighted when you feel you're being slighted... except you aren't the one who it happened to. I would let it go.