Is it normal for a 5 year old to "hate" her mother??
My SD is 5 and DH and BM have joint custody (week on, week off). My SD NEVER wants to go back to her BM's house at the end of our week. She never wants to call BM while she is here, she never talks about her, she has 2 sisters (BM's other kids) who she never talks about.. I just think it's a little strange. When she is with BM, she calls DH frequently and says she wants to come home (even though she spends 50% of her time in each house, she calls DH's/my house her home).
Normally when BM gets SD, she quickly pushes her off on someone else like her mother or even DH's mother. It sounds like she doesn't spend very much time with her, but of course I am not there so I do not know this for a fact, just from what I hear. I should also mention that BM doesn't have her own place- currently, she is living with her third baby daddy's mother.
When DH and I first got together and BM would give us hell, I used to think this was great (although I didn't encourage it in any way whatsoever) but now I am starting to think it's weird. What 5 year old girl doesn't want to see her mother??
I guess she is feeling that
I guess she is feeling that BM doesn't love her/doesn't want to spend time with her. DH basically says that he doesn't go after full custody because he doesn't want to take her away from her mother- he knows BM is a POS but I guess he doesn't want SD to hate him for it later on in life.
SD is starting Kindergarten this year and I think it's going to be absolutely horrible with the week on, week off schedule. If they were both involved parents it might work, but not in this situation.
I think the reason BM won't
I think the reason BM won't agree to "give" DH more than joint custody is because if she did, she would lose a lot of her state benefits. Currently, she gets cash assistance, food stamps, reduced housing and utilities, free daycare, free health insurance, and free college for herself. Smh.
I do see that, that there
I do see that, that there really is not much of a bond there. I was thinking it was more instinct to love your mother, but then again I grew up in an intact family so I have no experience with these kinds of issues. I always have been very close with my mother and can't imagine talking about her the way SD talks about her mother, especially at 5 years old.
Yep perfectly normal and
Yep perfectly normal and perfectly normal for kids to play one off the other. My son used to hate me all the time to his dad and hate his dad when it came to me. He thankfully is out of this phase, it is just a phase
That's kind of what I am
That's kind of what I am wondering, if she is just trying to play us off one another (like for all I know, she could be telling BM she hates our house) and trying to make people feel sorry for her (which they all do- you know how everyone pities the skids).
I don't know. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I personally can't stand BM and I think she's a horrible excuse for a mother, but at the same time I sometimes want to smack SD for being so rude to her! I guess because that would not have been tolerated from my own parents growing up.
Children should give respect
Children should give respect to all adults. However, the rudeness most likely stems from BM's treatment of SD. It not acceptable but it's kind of like a tit for tat thing, especially with a child so little yet. In SD's ming BM is doing it to her, so why can't she do it right back?
I don't post or comment often
I don't post or comment often but I felt I had to since this situation is so similar to mine. BM and SO have the week on week off schedule as well. Even though it is week on week off, SO picks SS up from school even during her weeks and keeps him until BM gets off of work. So SS is seeing SO just about every day. It is not unusual for BM to ask SO to keep SS on her Friday evenings. And SS's Saturday evenings with her are usually spent with grandma. Lately SS6 has been doing the exact same things as your SD. He throws fits when it is time to get back to BM's house and begs to stay at our house. SS has started telling us and many others (teachers, counselors, school social workers, principal, etc) that his mom hates him, stating that she actually says this to him (F*ck you, I hate you) and that she always gets mad at him and swears at him. This isn't once or twice that he has told us this, but many times. And as I said he has told this to many other adults on different occasions. SO is now looking to get full custody.
I know that some kids are good at playing one parent against the other, but I really don't think that this is what your SD is doing. Especially given the lack of contact between SD and BM during DH's week, vs the contact between your DH and SD during BM's week. I would not quickly brush this off as a phase, and I don't think it is normal in your situation. Something about her environment at her mom's is bothering her.
Caya, thank you for your
Caya, thank you for your response. That is so sad! I hope your SO gets custody. I can't even imagine how it feels for a parent to say they hate you. Horrible!
The environment at BM's is VERY different from our house. DH and I are married, we have our own home, we both have jobs, we have a dog.. Very normal situation.
BM currently is living with her third kid's dad's mother. She has 3 different kids by 3 different men and my DH is the only one of those men who is not in jail. BM takes SD to visit her other kid's fathers in jail. She is always moving and staying with different people. And that's when BM DOES have her. A lot of the time she pushes her off on other people so she can go out and party. She doesn't work. Has no education. Really is just no type of role model for a little girl whatsoever.
SD did a little project in preschool recently - "what you want to be when you grow up"- she wrote "Christine" (me, her SM) as her answer.
Kids thrive on structure. At
Kids thrive on structure. At least she's got some sense of normalcy at least half the time with you guys
.
Has she ever said to either of you why she doesn't want to go there?
I ask her why she doesn't
I ask her why she doesn't want to go to her mom's but she doesn't seem like she ever wants to talk about it. She just says she wants to stay at our house. I feel so bad for her. What kind of mother makes their child feel that she doesn't love her. Ugh makes me sick!
When I was a little girl, I
When I was a little girl, I dreaded spending time with my mother. I always wanted to go with my dad. My parents were not divorced, but I used to wish they would divorce so I could go live with my dad.
I hated my mother and felt guilty for feeling that. The reason I felt like this towards my mother was because she beat me for every little thing. I'm not talking about a swat on the butt - I'm talking getting BEATEN with fists, brushes, and broom sticks.
I don't want to say this is the case for your SD, Christinen, but like Caya says - it could be that SOMETHING about the environment at SD's mom's is bothering her.