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I told SD the reason BM doesn't take her is because she doesn't want to

christinen's picture

I did it.. I told SD5 the truth. BM has not seen her in 1 month & has only seen her 1 weekend in the past 2 months. SD told DH yesterday that she misses her mom.

People keep making excuses for BM by telling SD her mom can’t pick her up because her car broke down, or she has to work, or she’s staying at her friend’s house this weekend, blah blah blah. I am sick of it.

BM doesn’t take SD because she doesn’t want to take SD. DH and I are the ones who take care of SD every single day and I am SICK of hearing about BM this and BM that.

All the excuses are lies, and even if they were true, there is NO excuse for not seeing your child. NONE.

So yesterday I blurted it out. I told SD no, the reason your mom doesn’t take you is because she doesn’t want to take you.. It’s not because her car broke down or she has to work; it’s because she doesn’t want to.

SD didn’t even respond. She just walked into the other room. No tears or anything. She just walked away. I felt kind of bad about it, but I don’t think lies and excuses benefit anyone, no matter the age. I think it is better she know the truth.

SMof2Girls's picture

I think 5 is way too young to be hearing things like that .. and I think it's especially rough coming from a stepparent.

I understand your frustration, but I can't even imagine how much those words hurts a 5 year old child.

christinen's picture

I understand. DH thinks she is too young too. But I just don't see how growing up believing these lies she is being fed is going to benefit her or anyone else.

Jays13's picture

It doesn't matter if you're sick of hearing the lies. It's none of your concern. It was absolutely wrong of you to stick you nose in and tell that to a five year old.

Jays13's picture

It really isn't. It's not your child. It's not about you. It was absolutely not your place to tell her. She didn't need to hear it so bluntly, or from you. You did it for yourself.

christinen's picture

DH knows it’s true just as well as I do. How does it benefit her to keep telling her lies about why her mother didn’t pick her up AGAIN?

SMof2Girls's picture

You guys chose to lie to her in the first place by making up excuses for BM.

You don't have to LIE in one direction or the other .. you just don't have to add your additional commentary about mommy not wanting her to the mix.

christinen's picture

No, I didn't ever choose to lie to her! I have never made an excuse for BM or anyone else. That all came from DH and MIL.

christinen's picture

Exactly. I even said to DH, you know damn well if it was the other way around BM would not be making up excuses for you. She would tell SD you're a piece of shit and you don't want to see her. Hell, she ALREADY says that about DH and DH is the one who has SD 99% of the time.

christinen's picture

Actually, I've heard from several SMs with older skids who wished they had told skids the truth about their BMs when they were younger. The skids grew up believing the lies and bs they were told, and they basically place BM on this pedestal when she doesn't do jack shit for them. I don't see any reason for anyone to make excuses for anyone else. BM should be held accountable for her actions and choices.

bearcub25's picture

But what is the soft truth....there is no easy or soft way to put it TBH.

BM kept telling my skids that she was trying to find HUD housing so she could get custody back and she was working part time...blew smoke up their asses for a year. DSO and I knew the truth though, she wasn't doing anything the judge told her to, got a DUI during the custody case. After the judge awarded him 100% he had to explain to the skids why it didn't go like Mommy said it would. SS10 at the time just screamed that NO, Mommy is getting a new place to live and she works all the time, she told him she was and Mommy doesn't lie.

christinen's picture

I-m so happy This is exactly what I am trying to avoid happening as SD gets older. BM disappoints her on a weekly basis. BM is supposed to pick her up on Friday and bring her back on Sunday and she has only taken her 1 weekend in the past 2 months. Every Friday, someone has to make up a lie about why BM isn't coming. THAT is more sad than telling SD the truth, in my opinion.

askYOURdad's picture

I don't have all of the facts, but I did go through this with my bios and my ex. I handled it the best way I thought I could at the time...

I simply would not tell them that they were going to exes for the day/weekend whatever, when he cancelled, no disappointment. If he called and said he would pick them up and then bailed I didn't mention it until they asked. They would say "is dad coming today" and I would just say "nope, you get to spend the weekend with mommy, what do you want to do?" I didn't make excuses for him but I didn't point blank say that he had more important things to do. They seldom ask about seeing dad and it's just a way of life, if dad decides to exercise his visitation I just tell them when I know he's on the way, they are age 6 so I'm sure I will have to adjust this as they get older and ask more questions, but I just can't see breaking their little hearts like that I'd rather just reassure them that I'm happy they are with me and we get so much time together.

EvilWickedSM's picture


I think this is the best way to handle any situation. If BM tells skid that she is doing xyz and then plans change, then tell SD when she asks why BM didn't come, that she needs to ask BM. That way nobody is making excuses and nobody is hurting the SD either. Imagine how it felt to basically be told that your mother doesn't want you. At 5 years old that is devastating.

Don't offer the information about what BM is going to do with her, until you know for a fact that it is happening, even if it's when BM comes to the door to get her.

I am a firm believer that eventually these BM's (and BDs in other cases) will show their true colors to their kids...or their kids will start seeing through it.

step off already's picture

I have a friend whose daughter has a dead beat dad - lots of broken promises and never ever there.

She gave me advice once.

She says she just tells her daughter, "according to your dad, he had..."

christinen's picture

Yeah. I don't think she sees me as an angry stepparent though. I'm the one who takes care of her every day, not BM. BM hasn't seen her in over a month. I'm the one who feeds her, puts her to bed, takes care of her when she's sick, takes her to dance classes- everything a "mom" does is done by ME (and DH of course), not BM.

I am just sick of SD putting BM on a pedestal because she believes all the lies people tell her. "Better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie." I truly believe that the sooner she finds out the truth about BM, the better. But that's just my opinion.

I definitely don't want DH or anyone else making excuses for BM anymore. I am fine with just not saying anything. I just don't want her to be fed excuses and think it's acceptable for her mother not to pick her up when she's supposed to.

SMof2Girls's picture

I think that if/when this BM ever comes back around, this child will absolutely tell her what you've said. And you have left yourself WIDE OPEN for a full on PAS campaign.

BM is her MOTHER. She will always be MOM. So when her mother starts telling her .. "Of course that's not true .. I LOVE you and want to spend everyday with you .. but your dad and evil stepmom hate me and told you lies about me so you wouldn't love me anymore. THEY kept me away from you".

She's FIVE. She does not possess the emotional intelligence to process your "truth". She does not understand. You are doing more damage than good by telling a 5yo child that her mother doesn't want her. I hope you have a good therapist lined up.

christinen's picture

I know she's her mother. I am not trying to take that away. Heck, I wish she would come take her kid so DH and I can have a break! I am NOT trying to play mommy.

I do agree with you that she likely did not fully comprehend what I said to her, because she didn't show any emotion- no crying, no anger, nothing. Or else maybe she did get it and all of a sudden things made sense- who knows.

SMof2Girls's picture

She probably didn't react because she's processing what you told her. I've told my skids things and assumed they either weren't listening or didn't hear me. Then months later they'll bring it up and ask a question about it.

You don't have to lie to the child or make excuses for her mother. You also don't need to say hurtful things to her to appease whatever frustration you have with her mom.

lil_lady's picture

^^^^^ THIS have you also considered that you are telling a lie with your comment? Did BM point blank say that she didn't want to see her kid? You are taking your opinion and telling it to your SD. That is no the truth it is your opinion. All SD needs to know is mom isn't coming... if she wants to know why... "I don't know dear im sorry"... Simple, you have no right talking behind BM's back towards a 5 yr old none the less. That is called gossip and now you are indulging in it with a 5 year old. You have something to say to someone you say it to them.

christinen's picture

You've got to be kidding me. If BM wanted to see SD, why would she go 2 months without showing up for pick ups. Yeah right.

hismineandours's picture

You are still making an assumption. I WANT to lose weight but I still stuff too many twinkies in my mouth at times.

Perhaps bm WANTS to see her child, but doesn't have transportation, gas money, is too mentally ill to get her crap together, doesn't have adequate place to visit, is addicted to drugs-I guess potentially there could be lots of reasons a person does not do something. But you cannot really know what her WANTS are.

Bottom line, you spoke out of turn.

bearcub25's picture

I kind of winced when I read that but you are right.

Why have the child in a fantasy life thinking that her Mommy loves her so much and wants to see her so bad but all these bad luck things happen and one day she will come swooping in on the unicorn and ride over the rainbow. Not going to happen and you are also teaching a 5yo its Ok to lie.

I agree with something else you said. Many BMs have no problem telling little children their Dads are POS or do not pay CS all the time.

SMof2Girls's picture

"Many BMs have no problem telling little children their Dads are POS or do not pay CS all the time."

This doesn't make it right .. and it certainly shouldn't be grounds to start doing the same thing in the other household; truth or not.

christinen's picture

SD already has a big problem with lying- gosh, I wonder why!

That's all I am trying to avoid- SD doesn't need to sit here waiting for BM to show up only to be let down time after time. She may not fully understand the truth right now, but she will eventually. Next time BM doesn't pick her up, bet she remembers what I said and doesn't believe the excuse she is fed (at least that is my hope, anyway).

stormabruin's picture

"Many BMs have no problem telling little children their Dads are POS or do not pay CS all the time."

So, because many BM's do this, SM's should do it too? :?

sbm014's picture

I-m so happy This -- when we have to pick up SS because BM gives the "tell your child he has to stay with his grandmother or come get him" guilt trip we assure SS that we are at least here for him and want him

derb84123's picture

I agree on the lying thing. I dont ever lie for BM. She is a shitty parent. The kids know it... I dont have to say it. They put her on a pedastal bc they want her to be better. They get upset because they want her to be like me, involved and caring. I totally get why you said what you said, I would just try to be more tactful in the future. I say things like... I dont know why your mom said that buddy, but its simply not true. I'm sorry she said that... I wont let her lie to them about things. For instance she tells them that they will get to see her more when she moves or that they will have to choose at 12 where to live (BM here has been on supervised visits on and off, no judge will ever replace these kids out of state to a mother who is often not even allowed to see them). So I tell them its not true. But I dont say things I want to say like "your mother is a crazy violent witch who is horrible... etc etc."

I often say things I shouldnt.For example the other day SS was going on and on about all the new cars and trucks his step dad bought, and I said, bc we were just talking about it, it'd be nice for him to buy you a bed so you dont have to sleep with your little brother any more (hes 10, half bro is 3) I totally shouldnt have said that. But I did. it happens... just stay concious of what you are saying and try to correct things in a more tactful way. I dont like lies, so I do correct them when necessary.

christinen's picture

Yessss! SD never talked much about BM when BM actually saw her on a regular basis. But here lately, she has been "BM this" and "BM that" and "at mommy's house..." & I am SICK of it! Mommy doesn't have a house because Mommy doesn't have a job or an education. "Mommy's house" is actually GRANDMOM'S HOUSE.

I'm sure the reason she has been talking more about BM lately is because she misses her, which I understand but also find repulsive.

Every time she says "Mommy's house" I say "you mean grandmom's?" Haha I don't care.

I am sick of being compared to that trash.

christinen's picture

Of course it's about me. I'm the one who has to pick up the slack EVERY WEEK that BM doesn't pick SD up as promised. But it's also about SD- she sits there and waits for her mom to come and she never shows up. I think that's pretty pathetic on BM's part and I don't think we should be making excuses for her behavior.

SMof2Girls's picture

I don't have kids of my own .. so I could be way off base here .. but I think this is one of those situations where you think about what's best for the kid.

If you harbor resentment because you do a lot of parenting work for SD, you need to work that out. DH should be picking up the slack if you aren't happy doing it.

It's sad that your SD had to hear what she did; no one is condoning lying to the child. But I think your comment was very inappropriate.

hismineandours's picture

Wrong. You do not HAVE to pick up the slack every week. I don't know why you do so-because I am not going to make any assumptions about you-but you are not legally responsible for this child so therefore you do not HAVE to do anything where she is concerned.

Willow2010's picture

I am a firm believer that kids should be told the truth. At age appropriate times. This was BAD BAD form.

I would have said..."I don't know why she does not show up, maybe you should ask her next time you see her. Now lets go play something fun"

Who in the hell tells a 5 year old something like you told her and then just let her go off to process it by herself?

christinen's picture

I didn't let her go process it by herself. We actually went to carve a pumpkin right after it was said.

christinen's picture

Thank you, Aquarian. For God sakes, people are acting like I am the one lying to the kid! I am the only one in her whole world who has ever told her the truth about anything. You think telling a kid the truth screws them up? Try having them grow up and finding out everything they ever believed was a giant LIE told by the people who are supposed to love her the most.

christinen's picture

You don't think SD already feels that her mom doesn't want her? Every single week, she sits there and waits for her mom who never shows up. Do you honestly think she feels wanted by her mother? Her mom doesn't even call to tell her why she's not coming. We just eventually realize she's not coming so someone (not me) makes something up to tell her.

stormabruin's picture

If she already feels it, why do you feel like you need to confirm it?

It's like someone who's overweight. They look at themselves every morning when they're getting ready for the day. They dress themselves. They KNOW they're overweight. They KNOW it isn't healthy. They don't need people to tell them.

If your SD already knows her mom doesn't want her, why do you feel like you need to remind her?

This isn't about her. This is about you & your need to feel superior.

QueenBeau's picture

agreed. Getting a therapist for your obvious resentment for BM would have been a better option than hurting SD's feelings to make you feel better.

You don't have to lie, but you don't have to be hateful either.

lil_lady's picture

Unless BM point blank said I don't want to see my kid you aren't telling the truth you are assuming. This is what we call a negative opinion and when you infer and have a discussion about a negative opinion it is called gossip. You have successfully showed a 5 yr old how to do it...

christinen's picture

If she wanted to see her kid, she would see her. There is nothing in this whole entire world that would stop DH from getting SD on his days because he WANTS her. Nothing can keep a parent away from their child short of their own choices.

lil_lady's picture

You still took your personal opinion and said it to a 5 year old. Whether that is BM's intentions or not it is not your place to tell that to anyone, especially SD.

hismineandours's picture

You don't have to lie to her about her mom? I don't even know why you think that. There are other options besides lying and saying something harsh like that to a kid. It really IS none of your business.

I didn't go to my daughter's school play the other day. That doesn't mean I didn't want to.

SMof2Girls's picture

So I should tell my skids that the only reason their mommy and daddy aren't together anymore is because mommy is a whore? She can't help but sleep around all the time and they would've split up earlier after mommy gave daddy an STD, but mommy got pregnant so daddy wouldn't leave.

The reason we don't tell children these things, is because they're children. Does it piss me off that BM CONSTANTLY tells the girls that the only reason they're divorced is because daddy doesn't love mommy anymore? Of COURSE it does.

But at 6 and 7 years old .. they're too young to know the truth.

You don't have to be blunt and insensitive to avoid lying. You can just NOT lie and tell a 5yo in age-appropriate terms that Mommy made other plans or you don't know for certain why she's not coming.

stormabruin's picture

A 5-year old child shared with her dad that she misses her mom & you took it upon yourself to tell her she isn't wanted???

Why not let her dad decide how this would be handled? You aren't obligated to make excuses or soften the truth, but certainly you are not entitled to take it upon yourself to make a child (who isn't yours), who already feels lonely & sad without her mother, that her parent doesn't want her.

Wanted or not, that doesn't change the fact that a child is going to miss an absent parent.

This isn't about lying or not lying. You're pissed at BM & pissed that the kid misses her.

I guess what matters in all of this is that YOU feel good. :sick:

Sweet T's picture

As the mother of a 6 year old this breaks my heart. How any mother would abondon her child like that baffles me, BUT that is no reason to tell her what a POS her mom is. I know raising someone elses child is hard...there are many days that I would love to divorce my husband and the main reason I stay married is that I don't want another woman to be raising/damaging my child. My son is a wonderful child but he can try my patience and I love him with all my heart.

christinen's picture

I'm pretty sure her mother is the one who has "affected her self esteem ~ self worth and her outlook on herself", not me. SD is fine. Trust me, she's spoiled rotten by DH and MIL. She will be just fine.

Why do you think SD is the only one who matters? Are you one of those "children come first" people? I'm not saying her feelings are not important, but they are not any more important than mine or anyone else's.

Frustr8d1's picture

I'm so with you, Christinen! At first, I let DH deal with the absent BM issues but after 5 years of me raising SD full time, I've become so sick and tired of the countless disappointments from BM. Promising to visit every 6 weeks. Promising to take SD for Christmas, summer, spring break. Then, SD goes for months & years with zero visits, zero calls, zero anything. After that long, I can't even try to make up excuses. Both DH and I believe we shouldn't have to make up excuses for a BM who has no interest in visiting or even asking for custody of her kid. So we don't lie to SD about BM. We tell SD that if BM wants to visit or even take her to live with her, then BM can do that anytime she wants. Of course BM will never do that. Too selfishly busy committing felonies and looking for more men to have more illegitimate kids with.

stormabruin's picture

"We tell SD that if BM wants to visit or even take her to live with her, then BM can do that anytime she wants."
Why would you tell her that BM could take her to live with her anytime she wants? Certainly, if BM showed up at your door today to pick her up & take her to live with her, your DH wouldn't let her do it. Why suggest he would go along with something like that?

THAT is a lie.

Drama. That's the only reason. As long as there's an opportunity to make BM sound worse, you'll take it.

While BM is selfishly busy committing felonies & looking for men, you're selfishly taking advantage of the opportunity to bring yourself out on top.

Go you.

Frustr8d1's picture

How funny, Stormabruin--you don't even know the full background!! It's not drama. It's not a lie. And Yes...if BM showed up and took SD to live with her, of course DH would let her!! ...that was the original deal over 2 years ago but BM never showed up! DH told BM clearly on the phone that once she got a job, and apartment, and a car, he would fly SD to be in BM's custody and we would have her during holidays. That's what's in the divorce decree. Problem is, BM failed and left SD with us full time instead.

How the HELL do I come out on top when I have SD here full time being a full time jerkass to me anyway? We would come out on top if BM would take SD like she was supposed to do in the first place!

SMof2Girls's picture

I'd question a man who turned over his child to a woman who is clearly unstable and unpredictable to care for them full time.

You don't think there's any problem in that scenario? Do you think it's really in the child's best interest?

I would HOPE that given BM's history, if she did show up ready to take SD that your DH would stand up and fight for that child.

Frustr8d1's picture

You are so right stormabruin! I have a confession to make! You are right. SD, the POOR KID, has 2 for-shit parents Sad BM had full custody as stated in a legal decree. BM had custody for 5 whole years. Until BM decided to get convicted twice for fraud, stealing, and couldn't support her own self and ended up living with her younger brother. So, "shit" parent DH steps up and "helps" by taking SD full time with the understanding that both "shit" parents will revert back to the original custody agreement once BM can get on her feet and provide a roof and food. SD was under this impression for years. She was lied to and told that BM would gain full custody again once she got her own apartment. But instead, DH and SD are both abandoned on that promise and DH becomes a full time single dad. BM now has had an apartment for 2 yrs, a car, and a job but still refuses to come pick up SD even for a short visit. Good deal for DH? Sure...IF BM didn't pop up once every year or 2 solely to exercise her "rights" to take SD out to McDonalds for lunch then drop her back on DH's door step after she's over-exerted herself. These sporadic unplanned visits filled with false promises and lies from BM are confusing and damaging to SD.

So yeah, SD has 2 for-shit parents. Except that one has shown up for her every single day of every single year, while the other has abandoned and left nothing but broken false promises for SD.


stormabruin's picture

"So yeah, SD has 2 for-shit parents. Except that one has shown up for her every single day of every single year, while the other has abandoned and left nothing but broken false promises for SD."
Yes, & by your word, the one who has been there would hand her over to the POS lying convict who hasn't been there the minute she showed up & wanted her back.

Way to go dad!

christinen's picture

Frustr8d1 - exactly!! Being a full time SM sure as hell isn't coming out on top! It freakin blows! I wish every day that BM would come take her kid!

christinen's picture

I-m so happy Frustr8d1, That is our BM as well. She has 3 kids by 3 different men, never married to any of them, & doesn't take care of any of them. Lucky for SD she has DH and me. The other 2 live with their grandparents.

BM is a criminal, a mental case (literally), and a drug addict.

She has no interest in any of her children and I have no problem letting them know that everything that comes out of her mouth is complete and total bs. Truth hurts sometimes but I'd rather be told the truth than be lied to.

Anon2009's picture

I agree with most of the others made a big error. My SDs are 16 and 18 and it's hard to imagine telling them that. Even though it's true.

I know you are well meaning but you didn't do sd any favors.

theoutsider's picture

I have almost blurted this out before,.... I'm in a similar situation and feel your pain,... BM even had the nerve to blame the kids dad for why she didn't pick them up last time,.....

The oldest girl is 12 and when she asked why my only response was, "see this is why we confirm plans and put things down in writing to make sure we don't misunderstand people. That's why dad is going to court to have a set schedule for you guys, so this kind of thing happens less often"

The girl already knows the difference between home life at dads and home life at mom's,... She really doesn't need me telling her that her mom is a POS SHIT STIRRER

Anon2009's picture

"The girl already knows the difference between home life at dads and home life at mom's,... She really doesn't need me telling her that her mom is a POS SHIT STIRRER"


Frustr8d1's picture

I'm still with you christinen...It's better to tell the truth. And you're right--it IS about you when you are the one taking on a role your should never have to take for a deadbeat parent. Some people on here think SMs should be Mary Fucking Poppins but that's not reality. It's better to learn the truth sooner than later so the kid doesn't go their whole life believing a freaking lie. That can end up becoming a devastating realization when they are trying to cope with other real life skills as an adult (like work & college) Better to know the truth early on so they can at least start dealing with it.

christinen's picture

I-m so happy That's how I feel too. I don't know why some people think it's all about the kids. Sure, they are important but not more important than anyone else in the picture. I am equally as important as SD is. It is my home that she stays in when BM doesn't pick her up, and I am the one who cancels plans to stay home with her when her mom doesn't show. So you're damn right it's about me!

SMof2Girls's picture

Your in a situation by CHOICE.

That CHILD has no say in what happens in her life. She relies on the ADULTS and PARENTS in her life to be just that .. PARENTS.

If you don't like the responsibility of the role you've CHOSEN, leave.

christinen's picture

You don't have to like every single thing that ever happens in your life. I am dealing with it because I love my DH. I am hoping it is just temporary and that BM will get her shit together & come pick up her kid that she wanted so badly.

stormabruin's picture

"it IS about you when you are the one taking on a role your should never have to take for a deadbeat parent"
You CHOSE to take on that role. Certainly the child would prefer her mother...POS or not. That's what pisses you off to the point of being outright hurtful.

christinen's picture

I sure as hell did not choose to take on this role. DH only had SD 50/50 when we got married. BM has since decided she didn't want to take care of her kids anymore. Not what I signed up for, that's for damn sure! I would have ran for the hills if DH had SD full time when we met!

It doesn't piss me off that she wants her mother. I would LOVE it if BM would come take her!

SMof2Girls's picture

You don't teach life skills to a 5yo by perpetuating abandonment issues. That doesn't make them successful .. it leads to depression, anxiety, social issues, etc.

I hope this kid gets therapy and that her father steps up to correct this.

christinen's picture

"If he won't say it, then it shouldn't be said."

See, I just completely disagree. DH does not run my house. I can say what I want, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can get out. I'm not biting my tongue for anyone.

Anon2009's picture

I can't believe some here actually think this is ok. Kids are smart and can and do figure this stuff out.

christinen's picture

LadyFace- I do understand the differences and of course I realize that I could have chosen my words differently. I still feel the truth is best, and that it's better to be hurt by what is true than be comforted by a lie, regardless of age. The reason it was "blurted out" is because I have been wanting to say it for soooooo long but I had been holding back, and then finally I just couldn't hold back any longer. It was definitely a long time coming. I actually wanted to say a lot more, but I stopped myself. I do hope that BM gets her crap together because this is getting old. All I want is for her to come pick up her damn kid (on her days) & if she chooses not to do that, I think SD should know why. For God sakes, she doesn't even pay child support. She contribues absolutely NOTHING to the kid.

Patsy's picture

Terrible thing to tell a young child their mother doesn't want them, no matter the reasoning.

emotionaly beat up's picture

That has to get top marks for cruelty. How would you feel if someone hurt your biological child like that.

Lying to kids is stupid, I've never agreed with it. My ex husband wanted nothing to do with the kids when I left. Only paid child support twice after I left, both times I forced it through the court. Both times he came round when the kids were at school and thumped me for my trouble. The kids were 2, 6 and 8, I never told them a thing. But I never lied, when he didn't pick them up for agreed access visits and they asked why, I told them I didn't know, he hadn't rung to say why he wasn't coming. That was the truth. I didn't make excuses or pretend he had to work, I just said I didn't know. I would never have been so cruel as to say he doesn't want you. What you did was wrong, and NOT YOUR PLACE, you had no right to say that. You could have continued to tell her father how you would have handled it, till you were blue in the face if you wanted to, but you had no business and no right to tell that child her mother doesn't wNt her. As a grow woman, if someone, especially a step parent told you your mother didn't want you, it would hurt like hell. She's five. Barely past the toddler stage, I'm gob smacked you feel you had the right. You have no idea the damage you have just caused yourself. This will all come back to bite you big time, your going to regret this. That little girl will never forget it, she will come to resent you for it. She will see her mom at some stage and she will tell her you said that and ask if it's true, then you will not only have a resentful child to deal with, but even if it's true, her mother is going to be as angry as hell with you for saying that to her child. You will bring the wrath of BM down on your head.

You have made this all about you, what you think is right, what you feel. Well it's not all about you, there is the emotional well being of a child to consider, and you just kicked that in the guts, then there is HER FATHER, your SO, you just went right over the top of his head, totally disregarded what he thought and what he felt and did it your way. He was trying to protect her from the harsh realities of life because she is only 5, you were just being incredibly arrogant and selfish, you didn't even think about this child, you just wanted to show her her mother was a bitch who didn't want her. The biggest loser in this is ultimately going to be you. Your dh will be angry and even if he gets over it, he's never going to forget it, and even if he says nothing, trust me, he's just seen a side of you he doesn't like, the BM will eventually find out, she's going to hate you and pay you back, and that little girl will grow to resent the hell out of you, and you will of course blame everyone but yourself. I still can't believe you felt it your place to hurt this 5 year old child the way you did. You should be ashamed of yourself, not defending yourself. What you have done is indefensible.

christinen's picture

I really don't think I will regret anything.. I couldn't care less what SD tells her POS mother.

& how can she resent me? The only reason she's had clothes on her back and shoes on her feet for the past few years is because of me. She should be thankful, not resentful.

Her mother's a lazy piece of trash who has contributed NOTHING to these kids (she has 3) that she doesn't think twice about popping out. I think the sooner the kids realize that, the better.

SD is not hurt.. her, DH and I all went and carved a pumpkin right afterwards and there was lots of smiles and laughter.

As far as DH, he knows I'm pissed that BM dumped SD on us. If you can't tell by now, I don't hide any of my feelings.

SMof2Girls's picture

If you're so justified in what you did, why did you say you felt bad in the OP?

christinen's picture

I don't see what the 2 have to do with one another.. Certainly, you can do something that is justified and still feel bad about it afterwards.

sbm014's picture

Really how can a kid be resentful??

noun \ri-ˈzent-mənt\

: a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair
- Per Webster Dictionary

My name is the one all the bills, house, etc that DH, SS and I live in - I drive 76miles one way to work to make it easier on them to get SS to school - I am the one who buys 95% of SS's clothes at our house, ensures that lunch food is in the house etc....and guess what BM told him that I made her cry guess what I got to deal with 3 first days we had him? Him acting resentful even when I ensured everything was in order, I washed his clothes etc.

The love 99% of children have for blood parents override what anyone else does for them. My dad and I hadn't talked to years but I built resentment against my stepmom for feeling like she was the reason though it was really my dad refusing my call.

christinen's picture

"The love 99% of children have for blood parents override what anyone else does for them"

That is so true!

"a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair"

Oh poor little skid, life is so unfair, boo hoo- this is a life lesson for her. Life is not fair. Life is not all rainbows and freakin unicorns. If she ever wants someone to tell her the truth, she can come to me.

QueenBeau's picture

I hope OP reads. It seems like anytime something is well written & makes sense she ignores it. -shrugs-

christinen's picture

Hi, here I am. Sorry I can't respond every 5 seconds, I am at work. But I do appreciate all the responses and will get to them all asap Smile

Thanks for your concern, QueenBeau Wink

QueenBeau's picture

Some of them are snarky & rude, but Ladyface put some good info up there. Not only will her advice help SD, it will help your relationship with SD & your own feelings. It's hard to walk around mad all day every day. It can help your resentment if you just let it go, take the high road & be happy you have what you do have, even if it's SD full time.

I'd praise God if BM never came around. She's a POS & has SD 70% of the time. She calls and cusses DH all the time. She's a real piece of work. I had to block her from calling/texting/emailing me. Thank your lucky stars your SD's BM is just out of the picture.

christinen's picture

Yes, I agree regarding LadyFace's comments.

BM isn't quite out of the picture though! I actually have the worst of both worlds- she doesn't take or pay for SD, but yet she will still blow up DH's phone screaming and yelling at him. She's a real piece of work.

QueenBeau's picture

I tell you what, restricting to just email was one of the best things we've ever done.

I was one who BM tried to go off on all the time, & even after I blocked her texts on my phone & DH's it still pisses me off to hear her yelling at him on the phone. I was beginning to resent SD because we support her 100% financially at both homes, but DH still has to miss her 70% of the year & she picks up the worst things from BM. Disengaging 100% from BM has really improved my relationship with SD. It's hard to love a kid that isn't yours when you hate their mom, even though people hate to admit it. Now DH just has to deal with her. It sucks for him, but if he wants me to enjoy SD he needs to keep all the negatives about the situation away from me.

christinen's picture

That's so true. It is VERY hard to love a kid whose mother tries to make your life hell on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, in our case BM does not have a computer or a cell phone so we cannot email or text. DH's only option for communicating with her is phone calls. Sad

QueenBeau's picture

I'd go to snail mail. To a PO box. Sounds crazy, but I do what I have to do to maintain peace in my home.

christinen's picture

That's an idea. It's pretty insane the way things are now. We have been wanting to go to email, or at least text, for years but that doesn't seem to be possible.

Drac0's picture

I can certainly understand your situation. If I were in your shoes, I *might* have done the same. I too believe in telling the truth no matter how much it hurts. However, my wife gave me a book and made me read it and I highly recommend it for you. It's called "How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". It opened my eyes a little. One thing I took from it is that before we, as parents, tell our children anything (even the harsh truths), we must first validate what it is that they are feeling. Once we validate their thoughts and their feelings, only then will what we say have any impact. SD5 misses her mother. Okay. What is it about her that she misses? Cuddles? Singing lullabies? From there you can build a connection of trust and create a bond with your SD that would be unique to you and to her.

Rags's picture

I am a major proponent of providing the facts to Skids in an age appropriate manner. I think you did the right thing giving her the information but in hindsight a lighter approach to the wording would probably have been a better way to introduce the facts of BM's toxic idiocy to a 5yo.

IMHO of course.

christinen's picture

Thanks, Rags! I agree I could have lightened up a bit with my words. I am not much of a kid person. I have no bios. I don't even really like kids (I do want my own- just don't like other people's kids lol). So things like that don't come naturally to me. But I am working on it!

Rags's picture

Facts given to kids in an age appropriate manner is the way to go. You gave the facts, just keep the age appropriate thing in mind going forward and I think that you will be giving your Skid the tools he needs to deal with his BMs toxic crap and the love and support he needs to know that you care and have his best interests at heart.

There is no mannual for this stuff. We have to do what we think is right at the time and adjust as things change.

Hang in there.

Frustr8d1's picture

Damn right christinen!! Too many kids are growing up believing they are more important than anyone else and that is setting these kids up for failure! One day they will realize the world does not revolve around them and they won't be able to cope with that realization.

Why oh why does everyone think skids need to be more special and more coddled than bios??

SMof2Girls's picture

"Why oh why does everyone think skids need to be more special and more coddled than bios??"

Who said that? I don't think anyone has mentioned bios in this entire thread .. until now.

christinen's picture

I agree. Life is hard. Life is not fair. But guess what- it goes on!

Any kid who grows up thinking the world revolves around them is in for a load of disappointment when they get into the real world & they realize no one gives a crap about them! Their teachers and bosses are not going to spoil and coddle them.

People think skids should be coddled because they feel sorry for them for their poor, little lives but guess what, most skids I know don't have poor little lives- rather, they are spoiled rotten and grow up to be entitled little brats!

Sorry for not wanting that in my home!

emotionaly beat up's picture

THEIR reality was not that a child should not live with magical thinking. That was the OP's reality. The child's father chose to say mum was busy or the car broke down to save his 5 year old the harsh reality of mummy doesn't want you.

The op has every right to tell her husband how she feels, then leave it up to him to speak with HIS child. She had no right to crack the shits and say that to this little girl. The pain she caused that child was evident, she says the child just walked away from her, didn't even she'd a tear or say a word. The poor kid was in total shock at thus brutal outburst. OPs reality as I said was not THEIR reality, it was hers, she crossed a line here and every birth mother knows it. None of us would want anyone to say this to our children.

I agree tell the truth. Mummy isn't coming, she said this or that, whatever excuse the mother offered, or if the mother offered no excuse, mummy isn't coming, she didn't say why. That's the truth.

christinen's picture

I am not sure why you think I have no right to speak about what goes on in MY home, but I most certainly do..

BMs- if you don't want people telling your kids that you don't want them, then here's a thought- take care of your kids! Pick them up when you are supposed to! Don't leave them sitting there wondering when, if ever, you are going to show up!

If BM did her job, I would never speak poorly about her. I WANT her to do her job because quite frankly, it's bs that she gets to not take OR pay for her child and 100% of her care is left up to DH and I. I would LOVE it is she would take care of her child.

Frustr8d1's picture

LMAO--If I had a fkng penny for every time I hear: "You CHOSE to take on that role..." I did NOT choose this role people!! You don't know the agreement or the divorce decree or the abandonment of BM or the failed promises....

Oh, and "Certainly the child would prefer her mother...POS or not. That's what pisses you off to the point of being outright hurtful." I truly am glad SD prefers BM because they DO belong together!! Holy shit HOW I WISH SD WAS WITH BM FULL TIME AS PROMISED FROM THE GET-GO!! I ALREADY HAVE 2 BIOS. I don't need someone else's.

SMof2Girls's picture

As an adult, you have a choice to leave.

As a 5yo child, she has no options. She has to deal with the situations her parents put her in. If a stepparent can't understand that and show enough compassion to speak to this child at her level, then they should leave the parenting work and hard discussions to the parent.

christinen's picture

In all honesty, if either BM or DH doesn't like what I have to say, then they don't need to have their child in my home. I'm not going to walk around on eggshells because of this kid. If I have something to say, I'm going to say it. I do hold a LOT back, but some things need to be said. If BM doesn't like it, she can feel free to come pick SD up at any time.

Frustr8d1's picture

Right you ARE!!! I should have never entered a marriage with someone who has children. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT.

Frustr8d1's picture

How is this a "support" group when all we have here is a bunch of frumpy grumpy step-parents who want to bash other step-parents who are going through very tough times in their lives/marriages?? If I wanted a lecture on all the problems I have and am dealing with, and why I should have done this and shouldn't have done that----I would have gone to my mom. LMFAO.

Freedom and peace come when you can accept your true feelings instead of making excuses for them and denying them.

christinen's picture

I didn't hurt a young child lol oh dear God..


She didn't even care what I said about her mom! She knows her mom is trash!

After I said it, we carved a pumpkin, ate a snack and she gave me a hug goodnight. Does that sound like a child who is hurting by something I said?

lil_lady's picture

I LOVE this!! The majority of "support" I have gotten from here hasn't been agreement but it sure has helped.

Frustr8d1's picture

Point missed completely, ladyface. Lighten up a bit... I'm not angry. I'm not resentful. My despair disappears quickly once I have a glass of vino in my hand. Am I joking? Am I serious? Lighten up.

But IMHO, I haven't ever experienced amazing support here--only jabs, jeers, and criticism. I have not alluded to saying a thing that would "hurt a young child" on this site.

Pat on the back??? Since you don't know the path I've walked, not the people I have saved/influenced....I personally do not need a pat on the back.

Lighten you really think this virtual world is real?

jumanji's picture

Do not be surprised when this child hates you.

Really - do not EVER complain about how this child behaves towards you. You asked for it. This was not your place. And if *I* were her other parent? You would be out.

christinen's picture

Actually, I would not be out. It's my house. You and your kid would be out if that's the choice you made.

SMof2Girls's picture

What about the kids' rights? What about that 5yo girl's right to be a child, and not hear the hate spewing from her stepmom about her biomom?

A woman who does not birth a child will never have equal rights to an involved biomother. That's just the reality.

QueenBeau's picture

So BM picks up SD & tells her -

"christinen doesn't care about you. She hates you being around & thinks if you were never born her & ur dad's life would be better. That's why she wants me to pick you up. Because she doesn't want you around. & your dad doesn't care that she feels that way."

That's the truth, is it ok to tell 5 yr old this?

emotionaly beat up's picture

I agree we are here to offer support to one another. However we are not here to support child abuse. This was emotional child abuse. She hurt that child terribly and maliciously. She didn't just blurt it out, she has been taking the tell her the truth approach for a while. That's her style, and I also agree with that. Her husband, the father of this child disagreed with her, he chose to cover for the mother and this made the OP mad, she admits she was mad, even told the husband, BM wouldn't cover for you. Then when she couldn't get him to do it her way, she took it on herself. Tell the truth, absolutely. However the truth is, mummy isn't coming because mummy said this or that, or if mummy didn't say why, then, mummy isn't coming, she didn't say why. END OF STORY. That's all the truth this 5 year old needed to hear.

christinen's picture

Child abuse?! Really? I am the one who provides food, clothing, and shelter for this child. If it weren't for me, she'd be living on the f'ing street. THAT would be child abuse.

emotionaly beat up's picture






christinen's picture

"Emotional abuse of a child is commonly defined as a pattern of behavior by parents or caregivers that can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development. Emotional abuse of a child — also referred to as psychological maltreatment — can include:

Ignoring. Either physically or psychologically, the parent or caregiver is not present to respond to the child. He or she may not look at the child and may not call the child by name.

Rejecting. This is an active refusal to respond to a child’s needs (e.g., refusing to touch a child, denying the needs of a child, ridiculing a child).

Isolating. The parent or caregiver consistently prevents the child from having normal social interactions with peers, family members and adults. This also may include confining the child or limiting the child’s freedom of movement.

Exploiting or corrupting. In this kind of abuse, a child is taught, encouraged or forced to develop inappropriate or illegal behaviors. It may involve self-destructive or antisocial acts of the parent or caregiver, such as teaching a child how to steal or forcing a child into prostitution.

Verbally assaulting. This involves constantly belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally threatening the child.

Terrorizing. Here, the parent or caregiver threatens or bullies the child and creates a climate of fear for the child. Terrorizing can include placing the child or the child’s loved one (such as a sibling, pet or toy) in a dangerous or chaotic situation, or placing rigid or unrealistic expectations on the child with threats of harm if they are not met.

Neglecting the child. This abuse may include educational neglect, where a parent or caregiver fails or refuses to provide the child with necessary educational services; mental health neglect, where the parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for psychological problems; or medical neglect, where a parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for medical problems."

...... nope, don't do any of those things! It's not child abuse.

IslandGal's picture

I understand what you said and why you said it - and I kinda agree with you. Kinda, 'cos I'm thinking she's way too young to be able to process this - however!! Let me tell you a little something we experienced:

When SS and SD were 5 & 6 years old, BM took off. Left to "find herself" 'cos she wasn't happy. She started going out, getting blind rotting drunk and turning up home the next day. She came out of the closet and started dating both men and women. On a Sunday morning when DH would be out cleaning the garden with the kids, she would rock up in a taxi, fall out of it blind drunk, vomit on the lawn and pass out. Then she left and didn't contact anyone for 4 years.

During this time, DH cared for the kids full time and supported them 100% with no help whatsoever from BM. Then when kids were 9 & 10 years old, she came back into their lives with a new lover (a young girl aged about 20). She began picking the kids up every 2nd weekend to spend time with her. SD would call DH the very next night, beggging him to pick them up bc BM and her new lover were fighting. Then BM and her new lover broke up. A year later, she met her current lover and they have been together 2 years.

DH has always supported BM - regardless of her selfish choices in life. He supported her when she returned and was flexible regarding her re-connecting with the kids. All was gold. Then I came along and shit went feral.

SD and BM loathe the fact that DH is in a new relationship and is finally loving his life. They hate that they have no control over what he does or who he sees. SD was the mini-wife and has made our lives hell. BM is full on supporting her.

Now, DH (after 1.5 years), sat the kids down to talk to them. He explained that he was always there for them, even when BM took off. No what? SD didn't want to know. She refuses to listen and yells at DH for "rubishing Mom". Now, DH realises that by covering for BM and making up excuses for her, he was actually protecting HER and not the kids. Kids have her up on a pedestal and it ain't coming down any time soon.

So, DH has thought that maybe, if he'd told the kids the truth from the beginning, he wouldn't have such attitude from SD now. Only time will tell.

christinen's picture

Thanks for sharing your story. That is what I am afraid of- with people making up excuses for BM and SD actually believing them and placing BM on this undeserved pedestal. WE are the ones who care for her day in and day out. BM contributes NOTHING and I don't think SD should grow up thinking she did.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Island girl, there is never, never a good time for one parent to bad mouth the other to the kids. Kids don't want to hear it. They work it out in their own time. If your dh covered for their mother that wasn't good, letting them see for themselves though is far different from inventing stories to cover mum. Lies never work in the long term, even if they're told with the best of intentions. Have a look at an earlier post by lady face on this thread. She explains very clearly how to deal with this type of parent, and she got it down perfectly. It didn't involve saying anything bad about the other parent. But it didn't allow for the kids to live in dreamland either. Have a look at what she said. It's not too late for your husband to take this new approach.

Disneyfan's picture

DF will miss a weekend with his girls in January because we're going on a cruise for my birthday.

As soon as BM finds out why he missed that weekend, she will tell the girls that their dad didn't show up because celebrating my birthday was more important to him than spending time with them. That will hurt them (6&8) to the core. It will make BM feel great because the girls think their dad hung the moon.

According to some here, telling the girls this truth is just fine. :?

Any adult who thinks it's ok to crush kids with harsh truths in order to make herself feel better is down right sick in the head.

christinen's picture

DH taking you on a cruise for your birthday is not comparable to BM never picking SD up on her days EVER. Come on now. You know they are not the same.

Disneyfan's picture

The results are the same~hurt kids for the sake of making an adult feel good and trying to change their feelings/opinions for/of the other parent.

SMof2Girls's picture

It's all "truth" though, right? I mean, if your argument is that kids should never be sheltered and always fed the complete truth, why is this situation different?

christinen's picture

It's different because there is nothing wrong with a husband taking his wife on a cruise for her birthday.

It is WRONG for a parent to not take care of her child.

Can you really not see the difference?

If a kid is "hurt" because his/her father took his wife on a cruise, then that is one spoiled, entitled child!

SMof2Girls's picture

The child isn't hurt by the cruise. The child is hurt by the WAY the child finds out about the cruise.

Do you not see THAT difference?

If dad tells kid, it's "hey kid, your SM and I are going on a cruise by ourselves for some adult time and we wanted to let you know ahead of time that we won't be able to see you while we're gone. We'll do our best to make up that missed time and do something fun when we see you next time"

If mom tells kid, it's "your dad went on a cruise and left you behind because he loves SM more than you"

The CRUISE isn't the issue .. it's the method of communication.

Yes, your BM not showing is an issue, but the way YOU chose to communicate it only exacerbated the problem for her.

christinen's picture

Well like I said, I appreciate the input and opinions but yes I do feel it was justified. As far as the adorable young skid.. yeah right lol that kid is a total pain in my ass (no fault of her own, of course.. her trash mother shouldn't have dumped her on us).

Journey1982's picture

OMG! "..her trash mother shouldn't have "dumped" her on us." Does your DH feel his child was "dumped" on him too? Very sad....

SMof2Girls's picture

Agreed. As stepparents, we all make mistakes. It's hard to navigate all the emotions and drama that can come with our situations.

But when you make a mistake, just admit it. Move on. No need to dwell and defend the behavior.

I honestly wonder what her DH thinks of this whole scenario. Up until she blurted this out, he was taking the stance of protecting the child from the hurt ..

christinen's picture

DH doesn't care. He knows BM is a piece of trash. He didn't even want a child with her - she only used SD to try to trap him. Yes, he was trying to protect SD but I didn't agree with him. We don't agree on a lot of things (just like any other bio and stepparent, I assume). That doesn't mean my voice should not be heard.

SMof2Girls's picture

You clearly see absolutely no fault in anything you've done. So continuing to try and point it out to you is pointless. It's pretty much like trying to argue with our BM.

I only hope, for that child's sake, that her PARENTS realize the damage you're doing and put a stop to it.

Smh ..

Journey1982's picture

As an adult, I'm sure he is fully aware of how a child is conceived. If he didn't want a child with BM then he shouldn't have had sex with her. Plain and simple... To say she "used SD to trap him" is total BS. He participated in the sexual act that ultimately result in a child.

christinen's picture

What am I saying that is an excuse? I told SD the truth. That's it. There are no excuses. I don't need an excuse to tell the truth.

QueenBeau's picture

I posted this earlier as a reply but I'll post again because it fits better right here:

So BM picks up SD & tells her -

"christinen doesn't care about you. She hates you being around & thinks if you were never born her & ur dad's life would be better. That's why she wants me to pick you up. Because she doesn't want you around. & your dad doesn't care that she feels that way."

That's the truth, is it ok to tell 5 yr old this?

stormabruin's picture

Parental alienation is a social dynamic, generally occurring due to divorce or separation.
[1] These feelings may be influenced by negative comments by the other parent and by the characteristics, such as lack of empathy and warmth, of the rejected parent

Nowhere does it say anything about having to be untrue...just negative.

Kasey21's picture

"I felt kind of bad about it". Then why did you say it?? In your heart you know it was so wrong to say that to a small 5 year old child. No excuses. None.

christinen's picture

Sometimes not-so-nice things need to be said. Just because you feel bad about something doesn't mean it shouldn't have been said or that it wasn't justified. For example: 1. firing someone 2. breaking up with someone 3. ending a friendship - you will more than likely feel bad about doing any of those things - that doesn't mean they aren't justified and that they didn't need to be done.

stormabruin's picture

Are any of those things you would do with a 5-year old? by the time you're old enough to be fired or broken up with, you've learned how to process such things.

At 5-years old, a child's mind is not mature enough to process the hard adult facts of life. No 5-year old child should have to feel unloved or unwanted by her parent.

While BM has made shitty choices, yours are no better.

christinen's picture

Yes, I most definitely should have been with someone without children but DH and I have been together 4 years (known each other since we were kids- we were actually together before BM or skid ever existed in his life) and I am not going anywhere. SD is merely something I have to deal with in order to be with my DH. Like I have a dog. DH doesn't really like dogs, but he deals. SD is not innocent. She's the freakin devil's spawn. She may be young, but it's only a matter of time before she grows up and becomes just like her trash mother (it runs in the family).

SMof2Girls's picture

So if BM were to tell your SD, "Your SM just deals with you because she has to, not because she cares about you at all. She thinks your just like a dog and even your father doesn't like dogs. She thinks your devil spawn and are destined to be nothing but trash".

That's the truth right? Perfectly acceptable to tell a 5yo THAT?

Journey1982's picture

Seriously, get out of the marriage now before you hurt this little child more. The child lives with you and your DH and you claim she will "become just like her trash mother." are raising her so if she turns out to be trash, it will be DH and your fault.

misSTEP's picture

Although I am all for the skids being told the truth (as in court papers etc, because one person's "truth" can be a complete lie based on faulty perceptions), I strongly feel that she was too young for this AND that her own bio should be telling her any truth associated with her BM that may be considered negative.

Anything else is playing with fire - especially for a SM to do stuff like this.

hismineandours's picture

I think this is going to backfire big time on you. Your sd will not grow to hate bm and appreciate you-she will simply resent you for talking bad about her mom.

IMO, you were wrong. You do NOT know why her mom did not pick her up. You can think you do, you can have an opinion-but unless you ARE her-you just don't know. The best response is, if she asks, to say as someone else suggested, "I don't know why she didn't pick you up".

And you can think all you want that she doesn't see you as angry stepparent and it doesn't matter if you've been taking care of her for months. Seriously. BM will ALWAYS be her mother, they have a bond that began while the child was in the womb that you cannot overtake simply because you have been providing the majority of the care the last few months. Trust me, been there done that. It matters not if you are super stepmom, the best person in the world-you are still not her mom and never will be barring a termination of her parental rights and you adopting her. Again it does not matter if you take care of her more, nor does it matter how many times bm has visited with her. Her mother is an important person to her and likely always will be no matter what-what you said was hurtful and unkind to her and it did not need to be said. You may see bm as unimportant in her life, you may think she plays a very small role, and that she is a crappy bm-but I guarantee you that is not how that child sees it and you telling her she doesn't want to see her is NOT going to change how that child feels about her own mother-but it is very likely that it will change how she feels about YOU.

amber3902's picture

When I read that line that she only puts up with SD in order to be with her DH, my mouth actually dropped open.

In all these pages of responses, not once has anyone asked what DH is going to lighten the OP's load. It sounds like both parents have dumped the lion's share of parenting onto the OP and she in frustration, blurted out something to her SD she shouldn't have.

And not only has she become SD's primary care giver, but she doesn't even like other people's kids! She has no business caring for this child if she can't even stand kids and is just "putting up with SD" so she can be with her DH.

I believe this is the same poster that at one point wanted a DNA test done on SD so she could get her out of DH's life.

OP, if you can't stand kids, you should not be taking care of SD as much as it sounds you do. You have every right to feel how ever you do. But your DH needs step up to the plate and stop expecting you to take care of his kid for him. Obviously the current situation is not working.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Amber, she referred to the child as something, SOME THING, she had to put up with because she was married to her father.

And she does say in her original post that she AND dh are the ones who do all the caring of the child. She's not complaining her dh has dumped all the load on her, she's just complaining because she has to put up with that THING because she's married to her father. She has even predicted that this THING will just grow up to be trash like her mother. This isn't about frustration of the workload, this is because she is an immature jealous. selfish young woman who wants this child out of not only her life but her fathers life as well. She has also stated that she wishes BM would take her. She has made it clear she does not want this child and she feels quite justified in those feelings.

If this were a moment of frustration as you suggest, she would not be defending what she said so aggressively. She wasn't frustrated, she was mad as hell because she was stuck with that thing and she didn't want her.

If her husband is stupid enough to have another child with this woman can you imagine the life this 5 year old is going to have. She hates this THING but she doesn't want to give up her husband. All I can say is this woman has some seriously bad karma coming, not just because of what she said, but because she is self righteously justifying if, will not accept that she did anything wrong, and because you can rest assured if she is capable of telling a 5 year old your mother doesn't want you, what else is she doing and saying to that child.

This child is well aware this woman hates her, she may not have the vocabulary to express that, she may not understand that, but this child feels the hate. The op doesn't think she's emotionally abusing the child, but she thinks it's okay to refer to her as a thing. To mention in the same sentence, she is something I have to put up with because I married her father, just like I have a dog, my dh doesn't like dogs but he has to put up with it. That says it all. This was not said in frustration, it was said in hate.

amber3902's picture

EBU- you may be right that she and DH are doing all the caring, but it didn't sound like that to me.

She said SHE is the one "who feeds SD, puts her to bed, takes care of her when she's sick, takes her to dance class". She said she is the one that has to cancel her plans when BM doesn't show.

I could be wrong here, but I have a feeling DH is not doing enough. I'm not excusing what the OP did here, no sir, but I think if she didn't have to do so much for her SD she might not have blurted out what she did. It would not have changed how she feels about the child, but at least she would not have taken out her frustration on the child by telling her that her mother didn't want her, unnecessarily hurting an innocent child. KWIM?

I feel so bad for this little girl. This is only what she admits she did, no telling what else she has done and said to the child that she's not telling.

SMof2Girls's picture


Unfreakingreal's picture

My ExH used to leave my sons flat all the time. Dressed and waiting for him. I NEVER once told my boys that their dad didn't want to see them. That would have crushed their spirit. I would say "I'm sorry Daddy didn't make it, maybe he had to work. Or maybe his car broke down." i NEVER EVER said those hurtful, cruel words to my boys. You are forgetting that that child will grow and will be able to come to her own conclusions about her mom. You didn't need to go there. It was vicious and it is that type of behavior that gives us stepmoms a bad name. If she was a TEENAGER, maybe I'd say otherwise. But FIVE? That is wack.

SMof2Girls's picture

OP seems to believe that if she doesn't deliver these crushing blows of reality, the child will grow up believing her mother farts rainbows.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Ok I am kind of mixed on this. I too was a BIG part of raising my two SDs with DH. My DH saw me as an equal and their mother hardly came around for the first few years. When she did come around she would ONLY pick up oldest SD and leave SD7 behind. One day, I will never forget this day, SD (7 at the time) asked me why her mom only picks up her big sister and not her and she was crying. I was NOT going to lie to this child, I told her what BM told me, that she thinks older SD needs her more and not younger SD. (this woman only came to pick up her oldest child ONE day ever two weeks!). I then put my arm around young SD because she leaned into me and we hugged. I then took her to a park and to a movie and out to eat. I told her I would be there as long as she wanted me to, not to replace her mom but to be the woman figure she needed. She shortly after that started calling me Mom in secret. I didn't mind, I let her. Why deprive this child with lies and let her go to bed at night missing mom anymore. Just telling this story makes me miss her as her and I are disengaged due to other issues but anyways, I don't see anything wrong with you telling her the truth but did you follow up with a nice conversation about it or did you just let her walk to her room like that? If you did, I would definitely sit her down and talk to her, let her tell her feelings. She is hurting really bad. I know people say to stay out of it, its not your daughter BUT I tend to see differently. As long as your DH is ok with you being an equal then be one. My heart was too big not to get involved. My DH and his Ex would not speak and if they did they would fight and the girls would cry. When I started to talk to BM instead, they slowly became more happy. Anyways its hard being a step parent. You never win. I did be part mom in my SDs life. I mean how could I not, we had them full time except when BM decided it was convenient to take them. I did their laundry, cleaned, did their school stuff with them, tucked them in, took them shopping..etc. Anyways its hard to just stay out of it when you are faced with full time step children who need a positive woman role model in their lives.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I give up. You did not say your mum doesn't
Take you because she doesn't want you. Never on your posts have you referred to your Sd as someTHING that you had to put up with because you married her dad. Never did you compare her to a dog. Never did you
say you wished her BM would just take her. This poster refers to the BM as trash, and she
Wants this piece of trash to take this child. That shows her feelings towards this child right there. She also says this 5 year old will grow up to be trash just like her mother. Do you still think your stories are similar. Do you think
What you said is equal to telling a child YOUR MOTHER DOESNT WANT YOU. I don't think so.

She proudly says this little girl didn't say a word, didn't she'd a tear, just turned and walked away into another room. Poor kid must have been in total shock. The next contact according to OP was later as they were all cutting pumpkins together and according to her that was all good. There was no hugs, let's go play ball,or go to the park whatever, just flat out slap in the face your mother doesn't want you. Then the child was left to deal with that.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Oh my goodness! I had no idea, I only read this one. Poor kid. No her story is nothing like mine then. I actually loved and still love my step daughters...yes even the one who I am disengaged from that broke my heart. Obviously there is love if I still let it bother me. I usually just comment on what I read, thank you for filling me in otherwise I would have tried to continue to help her and all for nothing obviously since she has no heart felt feelings for this child. Poor little girl, makes me sad for her Sad

jumanji's picture

I went through this with my kids' Dad over the years. Did I make shit up? No. Did I tell my kids the hard truth? No. I told them what others have suggested - "I don't know why Dad couldn't make it", "you could ask Dad", "I'm sure he has a reason". And then "So how should we spend this surprise time together???"

They eventually figured it out. My oldest (21) talks to the ex maybe twice a year. My youngest (19) hasn't spoken to him in four years. He's tried to blame it on me, but that doesn't fly. Sorry. He's done it all himself.

BSgoinon's picture

I didn't read all 230 responses, so chances are this has been said.

It is neither your "right" nor "responsibility" to tell this child that her mother doesn't want to see her. And this is coming from someone that is a completely involved SM and a total advocate of a "step" parent is a PARENT. There are a million things that I would LOVE to tell SS. A MILLION. Every time he asks for a baby brother I just want to scream "you would have 4 of them by now if your mom hadn't aborted them all". And every time she doesn't show up to his games and he asks ME where she is, I really want to tell him "she spent her gas money on pot". But I don't. I simply tell him "I dunno buddy, you will have to ask her next time you see her". And he is TEN, not FIVE!!!!

I get being the one that is there for the step kids. I understand POS BM's, I deal with one, day in and day out. I TOTALLY GET IT. BUT... my SS will catch on as he gets older. He is starting to understand who is there for him and who isn't. And in the end, he won't resent ME for talking poorly about his mom. He will resent his mom for not being there, and when she IS there, she talk poorly about us. She won't come out on top because she doesn't have what it takes to be a good parent. And SS is learning that... all on his own.

Do you think I want to hear him ask every single weekend where his mom is? NOOOOO, I would rather stick ice picks in my ears. But I just put my arm around him, tell him that I love him and let him know "your mom says she doesn't have the gas money today". Or, "your mom says she isn't feeling well". SS rolls his eyes and takes off.

I think it was completely out of line for you to have done this. But the mistake is already made. I really hope it doesn't bite you in the ass in the end. Sad

Good luck.

Rags's picture

I think that you are at a point where discretion is the better part of valor. IMHO what you said was fine, how you said it could be sugar coated a bit to taylor it to a 5yo. Something along the lines of "I am so sorry your mom does not make the effort to spend time with you but your dad and I like spending time with you. Let's go get an icecream. How about that?"

As he gets older give him more facts and information so that he can be protected as much as possible from BMs toxic crap. We kept multiple drawers in our file cabinet of well organized, well labeled files and folders of Custody/Visitation/Support/Marrige Records/Divorce Records/Arrest&Criminal Records/Income and Tax information/Court Reporter Minutes, etc..... on the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan and the Skid could research to his hearts content and ask all the questions he wanted. His mom and I answered factually and would show him the fact confirming documents.

At 5 we kept it light. As he got older he got the full meal deal on his toxic SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. In to his mid teens he started engaging to research any BS that the SpermClan spouted that did not pass his smell test and there were many occassions when he called them on manipulation and crap during following visitations.

Coddling does not help these kids. Loving and supporting them in life including countering the toxic crap of the blended family opposition is what helps them.

Most of us would love to enforce accountability on the toxic opposition and we would love to have them actually step up and deliver on their responsibilities including sticking to the schedules in the CO. In our case we got to where we would schedule vacations during SpermClan visitation because we got sick of eternally postponing them until SS could be with us since the SpermClan would rarely work with us to coordinate visitation and our vacations so SS could be with us. If we enjoyed it we would do it again some other time with SS. We also called the crap directly with the SpermClan when they would weasle out of visitations and we would make them tell SS on speaker phone so we could prevent them from lying to him. None of the the car broke down, or grandpa is sick, or ..... Just fact and if they lied we called them on it on the phone with the kid listening. They could avoid the pain by telling the truth. We were there to hug the kid and hold him through his anger and tears.

IMHO of course.

emotionaly beat up's picture

What she said was absolutely not fine. It was cruel, vindictive, selfish and not her place. Nothing fine about it.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I too justastepmom felt desperately sorry for that child. She appeared to have been totally stunned and went into shock after this cruel blow was delivered. I cannot believe anyone could be so cruel. It was heartless, cold, calculated and vindictive. She took her spite out on an innocent child. She had told her husband several times he needed to load both barrels and pump them into that child by saying this to her. He didn't want to do that, so he lied to the child. Neither the op or the child's father had enough of a brain between them to just tell the truth, which was either, mummy said she wasn't coming because......whatever mum said. Or, we do know why mummy hasn't come, we haven't heard from her. Dad didn't have to make up stories, and this woman had no place, no right and no heart to do what she did. She was mad as hell because her husband was defending his ex, making up stories about her to protect the child, but at the same time protecting his ex, and op wasn't having it anymore. Her hatred for the ex, and her jealousy because her dh was protecting her by making up excuses caused her to dump her frustration on this baby. She wasn't being honest or telling the child the truth for the child's sake. She was mad as hell and hit out at this child because her dh wouldn't do things her way.