I need to stop SDs jealousy of bio baby like NOW.
So I had a baby about 6 months ago. My SD6 has been SO jealous... it’s putting a major damper on this time I’m supposed to be enjoying. She lives with us full time and rarely sees her mom so I totally get that she’s feeling sad and all. I really do feel for her but I can’t keep downplaying my love and happiness!
Shes been acting out since his birth which is understandable but seriously, every single time baby gets a new toy she questions why and where’s mine etc. even having to buy him plates and spoons, she badgered why he gets them.
I hate having to justify everything the baby needs! Sometimes I’ll buy her a little something if I need to pick him up something but she’s also acting out and refusing to clean her own room so I’m not overly fond of buying her more crap.
We do spend one on one time with her, we let her get involved and help as much as she will, but seriously she’s driving me nuts regardless. She gets visibly upset and pouts if I’m kissing or cuddling the baby. The other night he sat for the first time and as soon as we started celebrating she got upset and said what about me I can sit too!
Whats scary is, when we were getting ready to take him for his shots, she said I’m so excited to watch. We told her that these shots hurt and he’s going to cry (she knows this) and she laughed really creepily and said I know! My husband got upset and said you need to show compassion so she changed her tune and tried to pretend she was excited because shots are healthy...
How do I get her to stop without being mean? I know kids get jealous but my god I have to be able to enjoy him growing and learning without someone constantly making it a sad thing.
If it's any consolation, even
If it's any consolation, even in intact families siblings get jealous and have issues when a new baby comes along. It really is a strange and scary time for a child who is used to being the only one and now, suddenly, there is this tiny helpless infant taking up so much time and energy. With skids, I think it is even more pronounced because, though you love your son unconditionally you don't love SD the same way and she knows this. Your DH, hopefully, loves both of his children unconditionally and maybe he should step up and pay a little more attention to SD. Kids act up because even negative attention is still attention. I get the idea that you would like for SD to just go away and let you love your little one. But that isn't going to happen, she is still a pretty small child and she still has needs. Maybe DH can start doing something one-on-one with SD one day a week. That gives her some special attention and also leaves you free to love on your baby without SD's distractions.
My older sister asked when
My older sister asked when they were going to return me when I was a baby...
OP, I think your SD it taking it to the extreme... But jealousy is a thing for kids, particuarly when they're suddenly not getting as much attention.
I can do you one better-I was
I can do you one better-I was 6-my sister was 1 my brother was a newborn.
I sold them to some lady in the Acme for 50 cents.
Turned out to be my grandmother's neighbor and boy did I get my ass paddled!!!!
I was the oldest-the first born niece/grandchild. I certainly did NOT want siblings.
My OSD had those same jealous
My OSD had those same jealous feelings for her younger sister. I think the fact that there was a pretty decent age difference of 4 years meant that OSD had her parents all to herself and then this interloper came in and ruined her happy life. To this day.. I think she still feels like this..to a certain extent.
I even found stories she wrote about how she wished her sister were kidnapped or killed.. when she was like 9-12 years old.. I always secretly thought OSD was more like Tuesday Adams.. .the younger girl Shirley Temple.. so you can see the difference in them..lol.
"Sd the baby needs things as
"Sd the baby needs things as he grows, just like you did when you were a baby. You WILL NOT question my purchases again. If you do, it will be early bed time that night and every night you fail to remember."
"SD we are going to celebrate the baby's milestones as he reaches them just like YOU are celebrated when you achieve something. Go to your room if you can't control your need for attention."
Send her from the room every time she tries to steal the spotlight. No arguing. No more words than "room. Now."
You can be firm without "being mean." But she needs consequences for the behavior.
I don’t want her to go away.
I don’t want her to go away. I do care for her and all but she gets attention of her own... she’s celebrated when she does something new and always has been. She gets new things as she grows. In fact, I’m the one who takes her clothes shopping when hers are outgrown or buys her a new backpack for school and all that.
I treat her fairly, which is where the annoyance comes from when she gets really jealous. Baby needs to be able to be treated equally too and that’s what she’s upset about - that he gets treated as a child of our family too.
For example.. DHs sister sent easter gifts for both kids - clearly equal in price. She got upset about his and made it obvious. She’s upset that he exists and gets the same treatment he does and obviously that sucks when I’m a first time mom and want to enjoy this.
Admittedly I do feel like screaming I’ve done all of this for you, I’ve celebrated many times for you, now let me do it for the baby I’ve birthed please!
You have allowed the pity and
You have allowed the pity and guilt that all of the other adults in her life have always shown her cloud your judgment. Stop handling her like she's made of glass and find your voice. If you keep allowing her to sour these moments with her petty jealousy, you will grow to hate her. Resentment is a slow killer of love and you are only going to develop more reasons to resent her if this goes on.
Not only that, but she will be a 16 year old brat if these behaviors aren't curbed now.
ETA: There is also positive reinforcement that should be used. Whenever sd does or says something nice for or to the baby, "Awesome! What a great big sister you are being!!"
When my cousin's second child
When my cousin's second child was born her oldest was jealous to the extreme. Whenever she would pick up the baby, the older child would throw up. Clearly an extreme case ! But, eventually the oldest learned that baby wasn't a replacement but an add on in the family. I don't think there is any way you can change what SD is feeling and I think her feelings are par for the course for an older sibling. But she does need to be taught that certain ways of expressing her feelings are unacceptable. I just think your DH needs to step up here as the bio parent to both kids. When you chastise her, she may feel that you are just being unfair to her since the baby is "yours" and she isn't.
"You have had your turn to be a baby. It is your brother's turn.
.... so, quit interfering in his turn to be a baby or you can go to and stay in your room until you can act your age and quit being an evil little shit!"
Do not tolerate her crap including interference, pouting, manipulation, meanness, etc, etc, etc....... If she fails to gain clarity and adjust her behavior...deliver her a life of abject misery until she gains clarity. Yes she is 6. I get that. But she is not a baby and 6 is far past old enough for her to be taught right from wrong and appropriate 6yo behavior or ... have her nose rubbed in her own behavioral crap.
Confront the behavior, apply consistent age appropriate consequences, and her behavior will adjust accordingly. Funny how abject misery works. People will do what is required to avoid it. So... bring the misery when her behavior warrants it.
When I was
6 and my very needy baby sister was born, my parents did not coddle me or "validate" my feelings toward her. We all put up with her collicky screaming and fussiness. At 6, I was expected to suck it up and help. period. Had I acted like SD, I would have been swiftly taken down a peg or two by mom and dad.
I can sympathize with you. It
I can sympathize with you. It's not that she's doing anything abnormal or really wrong, but the truth is it can be super annoying and since she's not yours its easier to get annoyed even though in your head you know you shouldn't. Six years is so so so young though. When you got a newborn it doesn't really register how young that is. Hang in there. I wish I had advice for you. All i can tell you is that it's all pretty normal, her reactions/actions, your thoughts and feelings, are all to be expected in this situation.
Sit her down
When my ODD pitched a fit when ex and I announced our 4th baby news (ODD was 9 at the time) she cried and said "We have enough children! We don't need any more! This is stupid! I am going to live at Grandmas!"
Baby still came and she never moved in with Grandma. ODD is now 35.
SD needs a sit down talk. I would tell her once upon a time she was little baby just like BS. And at that time everyone fussed over her and thought she was perfect. Then she grew up and became a big girl. Now she can *list 4 things she can do that BS can't*. Babies need lots of help. And when BS is a big boy like her he won't remember all the things he is doing now. So she can either be sensible or she can be treated like a baby. Which means a LOT more naps. No TV or movies. Baby food. No walking by herself. And all her toys she loves get put away because she wants to be a baby again. And she has to wear a diaper. And cannot take care of herself. So right now it is nap time wh\ile you watch TV. I bet she will give up in a day. She can be a big girl with all the things big girls do or she can be a baby.