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I know wot I shd do but its hard : (

HarleyQuinn's picture

I guess this is going to be a retorical question but I just dont know what to do. My DH of 1 year and I have split up, he moved out of our martial home 2 weeks ago, we have been growing apart for a few months now. The realtionship has issues on both sides, however the more we argue the less I can tolerate him and all of his baggage. by that I mean BM texting and MIL being her best friedn whilst ignoring myself and DH (whole load of resentment and WTF there!), his 2 kids even though they are good they still irritate me and I hate them all being cuddled up when he can never come to me, I feel its them 3 vs me everytime they are over and yes I have tried going out but I am in an area that I have no friends and dont have alot of money as I am the main breadwinner. He cna do anything to make things work with them and make things easier for BM but when it comes to us he hasnt been meeting me even half way and everything I do is met with 'well I never asked you to do that', thats the appreciation I get, so I stopped everything and now we are where we are. So we are now selling our home as its not a place of anything loving anymore and just reminds me of all the upset and anger. I moved to that area to make things better/easier for him and the skids however when I ask for help he ignores me as I 'get too upset'. Yes hes a man that walks away from issues, never to be sorted out even on his return. Anyways I am moving to be closer to my family as I need that support system around me and he refuses as he will be further away from his kis (2skids 6yr and 3yr)and also because people have stuck their ore in and made him feel guilty about moving further away from them, even though they do not bother with him anyways.BTW I am not talking moving accross ciountry I am talking an hour away and still in London.I have so much resentment towards my DH for not being a husband to me and always putting skids and BM above me and through the time we have been together I still feel second and as though any family we have would be seen as that, second. BM and DH were not married nor in a long time relationship just stupid irresponsible people that messed around (gross I know).I dont feel comfortable with her texting him and he says theirs nothing he can do, obv I dont mind when its regarding the kids but when she can text him about her stupidness but not about school parents evening it takes the p*ss a bit! anyways I want to move out of all of this bullsh*t and have my life. Do I give DH another go and see if he will finally step up to be a husband to me or should I just cut my loses now? I love my DH but the more this has gone on the less respect I have for him. Hes let me suffer and just watched me break my ass to make things better/easier for him but he never cuts me some slack, ever.This probably sounds extremly petty but this has been going on for so long and hes been texting another girl 2 months ago, nothing happened but regardless there were ALOT of inapproriate messages and I push him in arguments, its just all a huge mess, but we are married and it hurts that I can see him work with someone he 'hates' becasue he has a 'commitment' to them but he can't do the same with me even though he has a commitment to me and chose to have me in his life. hurts Sad

Bojangles's picture

I know it's really hard to walk away and not look back but from what you say there is not a lot to salvage here. I don't get the sense that he is repentent, or desperate to win you back and committed to change. On the contrary he already appears to be hedging his bets with flirtations with another woman. I think that tells you all you need to know. Without that passion to make it work, and with other alienating influences from his ex and family it would be a losing battle on your part, and expose you to even more hurt and rejection.

In that context if you tried again you would basically be accepting situations and behaviour you have already decided are unacceptable, in order to stay married to someone who is not even prepared to fight for the marriage. What would you be getting out of that other than staying married for the sake of not being alone? If you're really struggling with your decision the there is a book you could try called Too good to leave, too bad to stay, which takes you step by step through an analysis of whether your relationship is worth staying in.

SMof2Girls's picture

It's situations like this that make me wonder if the BM was really the root cause of the first marriage breaking up. He's showing you who he is .. what he wants is more important to him than what you want. Maybe BM came to the same realization ...

At least you're getting out before you had kids with him.

Ophelia's picture

This is a tough decision and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But it is better to do it now than be miserable for years and years to come. That would only make it harder down the road for you. It's better to not waste more of your life trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You don't need to lower your expectations for a spouse to meet his actuality. I'm sorry though and it still doesn't make it easier in the short run.

All my best.

HarleyQuinn's picture

Thank u guys for all your advice.firstly he was never married to BM I am his 1st wife,he didnt ever even live with her.secondly he hasn't tried to 'win me back' as he thinks that I am the one causing all the issues hence y he ran off.he feels no responsibility to me or any future I would have wanted for us and feel like I'm driving this ship solo.many times I have asked for help and he's ignored me purely because I have been upset at the time,when u constantly ask and ask and give n give it gets a bit much that ur own husband won't listen.he always says to me 'I knew u wouldn't b able to deal with BM and skids' and its such a snack in the mouth as I done everything for him n them EVERYTHING at one point even pick ups solo.even typing this all makes me soo angry as all I needed was him to b my husband and not some tramps baby daddy.cant stand his mum,BM n resenting his kids oh boy! Need to sign the new lease solo x

sbm014's picture

I-m so happy This and you know what you need to do and I know it's hard but you would only become more miserable - my mother tried in a marriage for 20 yrs with my dad supporting us kids, and putting him through school and all I knew was stressed until she got the divorce and oh my goodness you could tell the joy, it was like she was a new person even with walking away from most furniture, the house all of that. You got this!

emotionaly beat up's picture

I do understand that ending the relationship and the marriage is difficult for you. But it appears your life as his wife was and will continue to be even more difficult. I would cut my losses and move on for two reasons. The second reason, the texting another woman. You will never fully trust him now. So you will be adding lack of trust to resentment, not a good foundation to try again on..

The first and most important reason. His inability to see how his actions have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. If he cannot see it now, given you have separated and the marriage is ending, the house being sold, and he could not see it when you were together, he's never going to see it. He cannot change if he feels he's right, he's done nothing wrong. Even after all this, he hasn't stopped to look st himself, to ask you how can I/we fix this. It is all about YOU, you broke it, you are completely in the wrong, you should've done, said things differently. He is one of the ones who will never learn, therefore never change. Cut your loses and have a bright shiny new life and future free from the emotional abuse of a man like this. These men only suck away at your self esteem, cause you to second guess and question yourself. They destroy your self respect and confidence, and they think your the problem today, you were yesterday, and they will still believe you were the problem years and years after you are gone. Life is better without them.