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Ss23 wants to play family

SMto3's picture

I find it interesting that now that SS23 is having a child, it seems like he’s starting to want the family I thought we could always be. It’s either that, or he’s trying to continue his manipulations with us. I created a family group text about 2 years ago to promote cohesiveness and better communication with us and while he tried to communicate a couple of times, it was never really consistent. The only ones truly consistent in those group chats were myself and DD. I sort of stepped away from it seeing as the boys never really responded. 

Last week, SS23 started 2 chats. One is a family group chat with the same exact people who were in our chat initially, and one is a group chat for his girlfriend, DH, him and myself to start the planning of the gender reveal which they wanted in June. Dh has never really planned anything so I know this will be something I’d be more involved in. I asked in the group chat if we should go out to them because they don’t have a car and I had something to do until late afternoon, and they said it was fine. Apparently, SS23 calls DH at the last minute and asks if he can pick them up and DH said no because of the rush hour traffic. I know that if this was someone else in my family I was close to, I’d be super involved and going out of my way, but Ss23 and I were never close so I don’t feel that way. I’m excited for DH that he’s going to be a grandfather, but I just feel like SS23 still can’t manage his finances so I see a lot of coming to us to ask for basics for his baby and I also feel that they are going to try to leave us the baby all the time, by virtue of the fact that they both work overnights, and I’m not a kid person. I foresee them “dropping by” to visit and leaving the kid here while they go hang out. SS23 currently only visits when he wants something, which seems to be every 2 months on average. I don’t want the visit frequency to increase just because he’ll have a baby he won’t know what to do with. I don’t want another child pawned off on me. It’s crazy because I couldn’t wait for them to become adults and leave, and I realize now that the games continue via way of grandkids. I am really considering moving out of state. 

As for Ss18, we had a major text blow out because i overheard him tell the jobcorp lady that he didn’t know if he was interested after she gave him a presentation of what I imagine were the rules. It ended in me telling him he is going to go whether he likes it or not. Dh is finally taking the steps to have him enter before he takes another trucking assignment. Ss18 tried it all, insinuated that if he failed in life, it would be my fault but if he became a millionaire, I’d want to take credit. Said he’s trying hard to please me (not sure how exactly), said he wants us to stop reminding him of all that he’s done throughout the years because he’s working on changing his mindset and that won’t happen with us reminding him of his mistakes. I told him that he’s never changed, he’s consistently just lied about everything, down to acting like he was going to school on a daily basis, only to come home by 2pm and do lots of nothing with his time. Meanwhile, I work 2 jobs and have dd8 in after school until 530pm and SS18 couldn’t just complete his final year of school. He may have oppositional defiant disorder, not sure and working on not caring anymore. 

I am actively now putting my house up for rent and flirting with the idea of moving out of state. Moving to an apartment will reduce the likelihood of them wanting to return, or to stay over. One part of me feels bad, knowing Ss18 has no family, but I really just can’t continue living with him this way. He violates my house rules, always waits for us to leave on vacation to go through our stuff and I don’t have the energy to be behind someone, drug testing them or to not feel safe to leave my home. I want to feel peace when I enter my home. I don’t want to have to push him to leave the house to find work or to do the right thing.  If he was different and easier, more truthful and less manipulative, maybe it could have worked. But he never was so the likelihood is that unless he goes through something major (like a jobcorp program), he won’t change. 

 

Comments

Survivingstephell's picture

I think they are all using you for various dysfunction needs.  An apartment sounds heavenly.  Peace is a worthwhile goal.   I highly recommend it.  

Winterglow's picture

I think moving away sounds like a great idea! Where do you fancy moving to? Take your time and look around so that you can be absolutely sure when you find your perfect home.

I also agree with survivingstephell that they are all using your for one thing or another. Time to stop caring ... completely.

BTW, why can't they organize their own gender reveal? It's not like it's the event of the year ... If they're looking to make it a gift grab, it will only take the gifts normally given for the shower, that is, if anyone turns up. Can you imagine how awful it would be if there was only you, your DH and your DD present? Start backing away NOW.

SMto3's picture

Not sure where to move to yet. I'm thinking of staying in the same area only to let DD continue one more year in her school. She's in a really good school and does not want to leave at any costs (going to 3rd grade). Maybe I can take my time and try to find a good state to move to. Thinking maybe Virginia. 
 

Also, the motivation behind the gender reveal may be a gift grab (love that term btw) except the girl's family is in another state and though SS considers himself to be popular, he's really not, and to boot, not sure how many young men want to attend gender reveals. I don't want to invite my friends and family to this, because he isn't close to any of them (he never even made it to my brother's wake or funeral 2 years ago). 
 

I do want to back out slowly but trying to find the right words to let SS know. 

Winterglow's picture

Sounds like a plan. Staying for your DD is the right thing to do. When a child is thriving in their school it is SO worth seeing it through.

Gender reveals have to be the lamest pregnancy event ever invented. I mean, who the heck cares apart from the parents and grandparents, so why make a song and dance about it?

I'm sure you'll find a last minute emergency (you have time to think about one).

Survivingstephell's picture

Gray rock him during any conversation about it.  Be utterly incompetent to give answers.  Plead too busy because of some huge project somewhere else in your life, ie: work, BD, imaginary.   
 

Stop being so useful.  Be a worthless resource.  

Harry's picture

Only means he communicateing his/ her. Needs. Hoping family members will help $ out.  I would not upset my life because of SS.  If DH agrees to babysit, it's all on him.  Like no help from you, unless you want to do something.

They can't make it now. Only going to get worst when baby and $ baby cost.  Take control of your family money, and let life ride 

Lillywy00's picture

He wants to play family now that he has a child because ........He's looking for free childcare lol!