You are here

Thoughts about the couch/Sort of step related

CLove's picture

Last night, sweet heart neice came over to hang out. Id heard that she was staying here and there but nothing specific and no detail.

This is the one that "disappeared" for a few years. Met a guy, and he was into drugs and shady stuff, and spent all her money. She was held in a hotel room and threatened at one point, she said. She managed to get away, went to rehab for a while, and now is trying to rebuild her life. Shes no longer in contact with the shady guy, and is helping her cousin with his business.

Shes very sweet and polite Shes 5'1" and over 300 kbs, has heart disease and all kinds of other health issues. Shes been staying with Husbands sister, then her own sister. And chose to leave because they all wanted to put a tracker on her and know where she was at all times of the day and night. They wanted her to do what they thought she should do. Get her disability money, get a job, do this and that for health...

Hah. Well, she would rather sleep in her car than give them that level of control. Maybe theres more, who knows.

She slept on our couch last night, after very respectfuly asking me as "lady of the house". It was fine with me, Ive always considered her family. Im not trying to fix her. She has to fix herself. As long as shes not hurting me, or doing anything really bad, I dont mind if she needs a safe, clean place to sleep. Some food.

It made me think. We steppers spend years upon years providing for, supporting, paying for, housing children that are not ours, that we didnt make and that on a good day do not consider us and on a bad day openly have hatred of us. That certainly do nothing to help us out or make our lives better/easier. And here is sweetheart niece who just needs a little space, a little food, and offers to help out if I need it! I am SO ahead of the game!!! If Powersulk tomorrow said "Im just going to say with BM Toxic Troll" Id be so ready to move sweetheart niece in! All she would have to do is keep her room decent, clean up after herself, take care of pets when we are gone, and maybe help out with something here and there like a run to grocery store (reimbursed). Maybe a ride somewhere. Because Im so used to minor children that just take take take and never give unless there is something in it for them. Unless dollars are involved.

Is that weird? That I would take in a non-dna related adult and have almost no expectations? lol. Shes a great baker. She may get to help me with my holiday cookie baskets. Ill approach her tonight as she will be with us again.


grannyd's picture

Wow, Clove,

Your post really moved me! Three years ago, I was waiting in our car while DH ran in to the supermarket for a few items. It was pouring rain and I spotted a girl in her late teens, struggling to carry groceries (from the Food Bank as it turned out) after her carrier bag had split open. We drove her to her squalid basement apartment, in the worst part of town and she became our ‘waif’.

The girl was living on welfare, as she was still attending school, and her income was barely enough to survive. We bought her food, clothing, second-hand furniture, housewares, took her to necessary appointments and gave her plenty of encouragement. 

The girl’s background was too horrific to write about yet she was positive, determined to succeed and almost pathetically grateful for all of our efforts on her behalf. She took nothing for granted and, on the occasions when she was invited for dinner, insisted on both helping me in the kitchen and doing all of the clean-up afterwards. She eventually moved from Ontario to Nova Scotia for a job opportunity and, with her much improved situation, no longer has a lot of time to stay in contact. We do, however, continue to enjoy the occasional email.

 I’ll always treasure our few years with our little sweetheart and Clove, you could not be more correct about, essentially, casting one’s pearls before swine. I’d a thousand times prefer to expend my resources on a grateful and unselfish young person like your husband’s niece and my little ‘waif’ than for those entitled, venal brats that we read about on this site!

CLove's picture

What an amazing story!

I myself have been homeless and it sucked. And I remember yearning for a safe clean place to sleep. Thats all I wanted.

I hope SHN can get on her feet. Get her disability and get her programs. We shall see! But Im not going to pressure her.

AlmostGone834's picture

I think it's normal to have an easier time bonding with people who share your values and interests. Sounds like niece values... respect, being helpful, gratefulness... as do you.... so naturally you'd enjoy her company over someone who is disrespectful, unhelpful, and ungrateful (Powersulk). 

Maybe Powersulk will mature... someday... but maybe not. She is a product of Toxic Troll... and from what I gather, TT is likely selfish, lazy, and rude. Your SD could turn out the same way. 

My SD has taken on many of The Skunk Ape's (BM) values... cheating to win, laziness, lying, superficial interests, impulsivity etc. I can't really relate to her or anything she's interested in/values. I imagine (and I am already seeing signs of this) that as she gets older, her and BM will grow closer, despite plenty of bickering as they try to mooch off each other. They share the same values. 

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll has tried to teach sweet heart niece how to work the system and SHN just has said no thank you I dont need to lie.

But through her heart disease shes basically disabled. Has breathing issues. But she is SOOO nice! And my mother loves her a lot.

Value systems.

grannyd's picture

Clove, the fact that your mother 'loves her (SHN) a lot',  is a sound endorsement of your husband's niece. From what you've written about your mom, she's clearly a woman of character. And as they say, 'the proof's in the pudding', since she's done a dandy job of raising you! Give rose

CLove's picture

You are correct! My mother has struggled through so much. And felt rejected and been treated badly. And SHN is the nicest. She acts tough (or as she sais "ghetto") but shes really very kind an empathetic.

JRI's picture

Before you offered anything, I'd talk it over with DH in detail and be open and non-judgemental to his preferences.  He may: 1) feel if one of his kids isn't living there, nobody is; or 2) once his kids are gone for good, he wants time alone with you; or 3)  he may have some unknown objection to her personally or 4) he may not want to be involved with someone else's health issues or 5) who knows.

You have a kind heart and mean well.  After having our 5 kids, spouses and their children and my mom  moving in and out of here over the years due to relocating, emergencies, divorce,  homelessness, illness, and every situation you can imagine, I was surprised when DH said no to one of the granddaughters who was relocating here.  He had various reasons which were valid to him that I had not comsidered.



CLove's picture

Hes deferring to me. And I told him these thoughts of mine. They hang out in the garage and laugh and talk and smoke, and hes happy as a clam. Hes been down and out a few times. Stayed in his parents garage. He is happy shes with us and not out in her car. He may want to collect some money or do some trade. But either way we'd be ahead of things. 6 more months to go for skid. She may not want to go the entire 6 months...who knows skid may WANT SHN to stay with us,,,Im going to play it by ear and talk it over, as you recomend. See what works.


Yesterdays's picture

I think youve always sort of craved that type of relationship /friendship. It's sad that it wasn't that way with your spouses kids because despite your sweet nature they were very cold hearted and never seemed to appreciate your kind and thoughtful efforts.

I can see why the sweet niece was nice to have around! It's someone kind who appreciates family and is very considerate. I would make sure to tell her you really love having her around and would welcome at the house anytime.

Hopefully she comes by more often and you can do some fun events together, festivals, gardening, baking etc!! You deserve to have rich relationships filled with love and respect. ❤️

CLove's picture

That I think is the heart of things - I HAVe always wanted this kind of relationship. And it never happened. Her mother has passed a long time ago, and her father is somewhere else...she feels very comfortable here. I told her 3 nights (fish and guests smell after 3 days) but I will consider and discuss things further. If she needs a longer situation, with a timeline of what she needs to accomplish.

Im playing it by ear as Ive never been in this situation before.

Rags's picture

People who repeatedly fabricate the situations that they then struggle with, are not.

It is sad when the later are people we are supposed to love and care for.  They do not earn that love and care, so they are a detriment to the lives of those who want to care.

IMHO we need to learn to focus on caring for outselves and those who do earn it rather than for those who do not earn it.

For me this is self preservation.  The never ending disappointment and related stresses and anxiety caused by those who are not worthy is destructive to us.

grannyd's picture

Sad but true, Rags. For those of us cursed with excessive empathy (hear me, Clove, JMI, yesterdays, Ani et al?)

 The never ending disappointment and related stresses and anxiety caused by those who are not worthy…

is most particularly destructive.

Rags, I’d forfeit a couple of toes to be blessed with your pragmatism and refusal to be taken for a fool (not more than once, certainly). Too much compassion, like blue eyes/height/hair colour/sexual preference are genetic. How I'd love to change it!

Rags's picture

No need to sacrifice toes. Got get a pedi with a hot artsy nail design. Show off your sexy toes to SO.

Have fun!!!



I actually struggle with being over tolerant and compassionate.  Which tends to be detrimental to me.  I struggle with holding those who have "syndrome" of the moment issues accountable for their performance and behavior.  Rather than focusing on their behavioral choices.  Until I get myself into a severe stress situation. Then... I go zero tolerance on them.  Long after I should have ended their crap.