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I hate being a stepparent

SAHsigh's picture

I hate being a stepparent. It's not that I have any trouble with the kids, I am rather lucky to have the SKs that I have. But I honestly hate being a stepparent. I hate dealing with other adults and their assumptions about our family, custody arrangements, and obsession with biological attachment. I hate dealing with school teachers/counselors, filling out forms (but barred from signing, of course!), strangers in public places that ask personal questions, and seriously, this could be a really long list. I hate that my partner keeps trying to rationalize the crummy position I get put in because of my step-disease rather than just being sympathetic and understanding. I hate that people are constantly asking what my "real relationship" is to my SKs; apparently being a damn fine parent that is well-loved and trusted by SKs is suspicious. I hate that I can't really talk with my partner about this because it winds up in an argument. (Somehow, he always takes it personal when I express my displeasure at being marginalized from important adult decisions in our family.) There is often little (or no!) gratitude, acknowledgement, praise... There are "good days" and days that end in tears.

I hate being a stepparent. I love my partner, I love my SKs, but honest, I hate being a stepparent.

eej1042's picture

I share your thoughts,i have been in your shoes and it is so fraustrating,now I get it from the other side if my ss thinks that someone else has assumed I am his mother he can not correct them quick enough and god help any one who tarnishes him with our surname, I think that as a step parent we give give give but recognition just isn't part of the deal and we have to learn to accept it

sbm014's picture

^^This my SS will correct them...wish doesn't exactly bother me its the stigma I feel after since I am simply a step.

And like I posted below even with praise from my DH when he gives it there are still days of that are hard with and without the children around.

sbm014's picture

I completely feel your pain - luckily my DH tries to be very grateful and appreciating like yesterday he was in Canada so I took SS5 lunch and took pictures, and we made a video for DH he said thank you multiple times which made me feel awesome.

However I feel like we all have those days - like today as I got up at 430 instead of working from yesterday and did my personal routine coming home a empty house, mind you emotions are already high as DH is going to be home a day late and we don't get to make that day up - but one of my coworkers said something about her kids teacher saying she was a good mom - and it hit really hard that yes yesterday the student teacher said it was sweet that I took SS lunch but I will always be referred to as the 'step'mom. No matter matter the fact I filled out the form for our house, I showed him affection, spoke to the teacher, and had the student teacher,teacher and principle all say they thought it was awesome what I was doing I will never be lumped in as a parent there will always be the step word that makes me want to puke. The fact that even though many things DH and SS do together was my idea like nightly reading to help SS learn, and to close the day together is because of me, or random other little things it will be oh that's him and dad your just 'step'mom you couldn't have pushed for that because of the negative look step-parents get.

I guess it just gets depressing especially as I look at it as even though my dad and I are estranged and even before that point I had 3 parents - my mom, my dad, and my 'step'dad as he did the same if not more to help make me the person I am with a postive influence than my dad.

This is why we must do stuff for ourselves and let ourselves know we are amazing because even with praise there are days like today where I just want to cry - you are not alone. I feel your pain but know you are amazing.

proudstepmommy's picture

Amen!!! I can't stand the stigma that a stepmom is "evil". Can't someone ever portray a stepmom as a woman who lovingly accepts someone else's child as her own!?!?!?

I mean I know I'm not SD10's BM... but dammit I love her as much as I could possibly love a child, and do everything her BM does and then some!!!

christinen's picture

Isn't it funny how there is such a double standard.. when a man raises another man's kids like his own, he is applauded and called a hero.. when it's a woman raising another woman's kids, she is thought to be an evil stepmother. Horrible! OP, I feel your pain on this one, I really do I've been with my DH for 4 years and it has gotten a LITTLE better over the years but I still feel like an outsider.

JennSunnySideUp's picture

This whole post is a total win. I have only been in SS4's life for a year, but he is still so rude to me. All the "I wasn't talking to YOU, I was talking to MY DADDY" comments, trying to stay on good terms with the BMs, friends and family making comments they don't realize are hurtful "your so strong to be in this position.. but I'd kill the whore who tried being mommy to MY child if me and my SO broke up" You want to just be like "uh.. I guess I'm the whore just with a different person?"

Dont even get me started on the whole DH comments of "Well you've never gone through a custody issue, you dont UNDERSTAND what I'm going through" or "you've never had kids, you just don't understand"

It just makes me want to point out "well, seeing as how I bought all the food in the house, paid for his stupid DVDs that he loves, along with the clothes on his back, how do I not understand having a kid?? I didn't give birth or have morning sickness or get stretch marks, but I have hopes for them, love spending time with them, and want to make them happy regardless. How is that not being a mother?

Step-Parents are so painfully unappreciated.

BadMamaJAMA's picture

^^THIS.

When I first started seeing my DH, my own MOM made a comment like the one you referenced. A BM herself, she said I need to "respect SD7's mom" by not "stepping on her toes." This comment took place after a meltdown when SD7 told BM she wished I were her mommy. (For the record, she was 6, we had taken her to the zoo that day, and BM wanted us to drop her off right before bed. She was none too pleased about going straight to bed, and that's when she said it.)

However, since seeing me with SD7 and hearing about what a deadbeat BM can be, my mom has changed her tune.

I think people's first instinct is to view (biological) motherhood as sacred. Therefore, anyone who is not a BM is the enemy. That's, well, stupid. What the hell are we as stepmoms supposed to do - just sit back and let dad do everything at home? There's this kid who has grown to love us and look up to us.. do we just withhold affection and parental guidance because that's "stepping on the mother's toes"?

Anyone who thinks like that needs to report to the nearest dollar store and get a clue.

christinen's picture

My good friend recently made a comment like this to me without thinking (obviously). The friend's sister and her husband are going through a divorce and there is another woman who is involved with the husand.. long story short, my friend was saying how the kids are off limits, how dare this new girl come around these kids, blah blah blah. I was shocked to hear these things come out of her mouth because they could all be said about me. I thought she really understood my situation but guess I was wrong!

Onefootout's picture

Unfortunately this is the price to be paid for stepmoms who are involved in their skids lives, who are generous, loving, and kind, and care about their skids. It's got to be especially difficult for stepmoms who actually like their skids and enjoy spending time with them.

I think the only type of people in a stepparent role who have it easier are people like me. I am almost never involved with SS16, which SO resents. I do try to make it to band concerts, but that's about it. It's hard when the only thing the kid wants to do is play video games. SS lives with us full time, by the way.

My SS16 and I do not really get along, he has no social skills, talks at people rather than with people, and I told my SO that I'm not his son's therapet to help him with social skills. Not my kid, not my problem, I didn't mess him up, and I certainly am not the one to fix him.

Besides the kid wants absolutely nothing to do with me, and is very jealous of anyone who he has to share his dad with. The kid barely even acknowledges me when I'm in the room, maybe about once every 3 months he'll acknowledge my presence. Then it's back to being treated like a ghost.

I tend to react to people based on how they treat me, and kids are no different. In turn I barely acknowledge SS. I do absolutely nothing for him. No cooking (because he's turned his nose up at most of what I tried to cook for him), no rides, no favors, and I don't ever buy him anything. Which is fine with the kid, he would rather die than have to be nice to me, or feel in debt to me. He once rode his bicycle in the pouring rain, when I could have given him a ride. He would rather die than ask me for that ride, he'd rather get completely soaked. I certainly don't fill out any school forms or talk with his teachers. His dad takes care of all of that, and his dad is pretty involved. His dad takes him back to school shopping.

SS is weird and makes me uncomfortable. He has no real friends, so I don't think it's just me that feels awkward around him.

I know that SO would love for me to play mommy to his son, but it will never happen. This kid kills any maternal feeling I have inside me. I'm actually good at playing mommy to little kids, but this passive aggressive almost adult with less than stellar personal hygiene and redneck fuzz on his upper lip kills any feeling of motherly affection, much to my SO's disappointment.

The only upside is I don't have the problem of not feeling appreciated. Because I do absolutely nothing for the kid. Unfortunately it's the only way I can live with SO without growing extremely resentful. The less I do, the fewer personal sacrifices I make, the less resentful I feel towards SS and SO. Somehow, SO doesn't see how I'm actually doing him a favor! Lol.

Onefootout's picture

lovn life, sorry to say, SO and I are not on the same page. SO has finally tried to accept the fact I won't be mommy to his son, nor will I kiss his son's ass. SO has tried to accept me as I am, because I almost left him. And no, SO will not insist that SS respect me, he doesn't really see the problem. SS is so passive, it's easy for SO to pretend his son doesn't act disrespectful.

I guess one good thing SO and I have going is that SO is very affectionate with me, and he actually enjoys spending time with me. Honestly, I think he's not all that comfortable with his son, his son is hard to be around, with his one way conversations about video games. If SO was distant and always put his son before me, then I probably wouldn't hang around.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. I completely understand. I find it so hard sometimes to come home everyday knowing a member of the household dislikes me and resents me, and can use that to justify disrespecting me. Sucks.

I don't have a lot of good suggestions, I'm just playing it by ear. Disengaging helps a lot. I just cannot bear to put myself in a position to be disrespected by SS. SO can't understand why I can't tolerate a little disrespect, after all he's just like any teenager, right?

Try not to reach the point of no return, if you're feeling like you're going to unravel, start looking at new places to live, even if you have a mortgage and you'd be just looking. I know when I get to where I can't stand it, that's what I do. it gives me hope and a sense of power over my life. I've also joined book clubs, done things without SO, just for me. When things get bad, I just start pulling away, and that drives SO nuts. But it's the only way I have to cope, to pull away from the relationship without completely giving up.

howdidigethere's picture

OMG this sounds just like my house, only with 2 kids that want nothing to do with me and just want to play video games. I tried the first couple of years - volunteered at school, took them shopping, I even bought birthday gifts for them to give to their BM! As the boys got closer to being teens, though, everything changed. 2 years ago, I decided to step back and let my DH and the BM do all the parenting. I don't go to school functions, I don't take them anywhere, nothing.

Last night my husband was out of town and the BM wouldn't take them (they live with us) and it was awful. I will not be here again overnight without my DH here. I'll get a sitter and go to a hotel if I have to, but I'm over being portrayed as evil while BM is off with her boyfriend and my DH is in a nice hotel all fat and happy after a nice dinner.

oldone's picture

DH had better accept me as I am because at my age (67) I am not going to change.

SS28 is NOT my child. He adores me (or my money). But he is NOT MY CHILD.

ocs's picture

I totally could have written this post.

I mean, I get it, we knew they had skid(s) when we met and got serious with our partners, but sometimes, "you don't know, what you don't know."

I met a relatively sweet kid when she was 9. She was a bit odd, and coddled, but without having too much experience with 9yr olds, I figured, whatever. I mean, her Dad is amazing... Smile

Over the last 4yrs, things have evolved and now I resent most things about her. Time spent, money spent etc..She is ungrateful, but snows DH. It's like he's grateful for any scrap of time BM or SD will give him and it makes me super resentful of BM and SD13.

It relates to how batshit ghetto BM is, it got REALLY bad after I married DH. Extreme PAS and a complete bitch of a mother. I'm used to the eye rolls, and the bad behaviour when Daddddyyyyyyyy isn't in the room. I used to give a shit, but now?? Nope- I havent seen her since March, but prior to that, I was a polite adult in my house, and we politely ignored each other. Drove DH nuts, but there was no tension.

My friends don't get it- they think, "oh she's a kid. Be the bigger person..." A soon to be 14 yr old understands what being mean and selfish is. PERIOD. We spent 3yrs in peace and harmony, then all of a sudden I'm evil??

In any case, I don't talk to DH too much about it, he takes it too personally and it causes an argument. He has had to establish serious boundaries with them and so far so good. But I hate being a step too...

LadyG's picture

I thought that being a step mom to an adult child was going to be cool because everyone said that I would be a great mom.

So much for that...SS in prison for pedophilia...

It just makes you wanna do a Thelma and Louise for a long long time...

sbm014's picture

I am so sorry for you that is horrible.

I will say I saw a toll on my mom when her and my step-dad got together shortly after my brother(Step) got put in jail for drugs and my mom is a very prestigious business woman and she was so embarrassed and for a while it put strain on her marriage. It has sense been cleared but my step-brother still asks them for help time to time and they both resent that they helped him so much as he was struggling because now they have 5 kids that are pretty independent (my mom will buy grandkids clothes to help parents but we never ask - she just likes shopping) and one who is a middle child that still ask for stuff.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

I feel your pain. I hate being a step parent now more so because adult SD has seemed to forget all that I have done for her (this SD turned into a druggie, you can read my posts for more accurate description of what she has done). Other SD who is adult now, I love her BUT always have BM in the way no matter what.

As far as the school, doctor...etc stuff, I don't know how long you have been a step mom or how much you have them but for me, we had my SDs full time. After a while the school and doctors got so used to me because DH worked all the time and BM was and still is a POS BM to the girls, the schools started letting me sign for them and considered me their mom and the doctors, they got used to me taking them in when they needed to be seen. They stopped questioning. It may get better with time and it may not but one thing I have learned in my 12 years of doing this, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work at it, no matter how much heart and soul gets put into step parenting, you are always going to be just the step parent. I hate that too. I feel I did more work then BM ever did and I get the "this is my step mom". I hated people asking that too. I hated being called by my first name considering I was main mom. I never let the girls know that growing up though. My oldest SD actually in her older age now (22) has let me know that to her, I was the real parent more so then her mother. Unfortunately I still have to deal with BM. Ugh. Could go on forever. I get your pain. I hate it too.

Being disengaged from the 19 year old though, I am glad I am not considered her mother anymore (she was the one that would sneak and call me mom) but she has caused so much damage to me and my bios I cant take her anymore. Sweetest girl from age 7 to 15 and then she turned on us badly. Miss her but realize that the old SD I was so in love with is now gone and this new person she has become isn't good.

SAHsigh's picture

I met the kids when they were 2.5; they recently became 5. We share 50/50 custody with their BM. BM can be a bummer (to put it lightly), but it's not like she's a bad mother. She's got one hell of a temper, an odd way of prioritizing her life, but she's not a bad mother. There have been (serious) hiccups with the way she's responded to my addition to the kids' lives, but she's gotten better about it and makes a point to be friendly and respectful toward me. She even says that I'm good for them. With few exceptions, I'm glad that we've all been able to focus on what's best for the kids and that seems to work out well for all of us.

It's not like my situation is a bad one. Compared with a lot of the other posts on this site, I get to be the lucky one. I can't even say that "if I knew then what I know now..." because the truth is, I actually like being a member of our family. I can't help but feel humbled by the love that my partner and SKs give me. I am as enamored with them as they seem to be with me.

I realize that I haven't been doing this for very long and a lot of my stress is likely due to my inexperience. Nonetheless, the step-label comes with some sad consequences that are difficult to swallow. What used to be innocuous before this is suddenly hurtful. For the most part, it's obvious to me that the burden is on me to just let it go, roll off my back, and all those other things my parents would tell me when I was kid. It just hasn't been as easy as I would like.

Example: When I first became their stepmom, they were so excited. They were really happy that I got to be a mom-like figure in their lives. Imagine my surprise when they introduced me as their stepmom -- not because they didn't want me to be known as their "real mom", but because they were proud to have me as a stepparent. One morning at breakfast many months ago, my SS (then 4) says to me, "Stepmothers are evil." He didn't say it like he was referring to me, he just said it. I asked him if he thought I was evil and he seemed surprised. "No. You're not evil." "Okay," I say. "I'm your stepmom, and you said stepmothers are evil, it makes me sad to hear you say that. I like being your stepmom." Then he tells me that he learned that stepmoms are evil from some Disney nonsense he was watching at BM's. Since then, both of the kids keep finding new titles they can give me. (Mama is off limits. They tried calling me that and I told them that was a special name only for their BM.) Now they split my given name with various mom-like titles. The daycare they were going to for a time even told me that SS wanted them to call me something else because they didn't want people to think I was evil. They even asked me not to tell their teachers I was their stepmom! They wanted me to introduce myself as Mama-cat!

Ultimately, the above example is a silly problem to have. But trying to dance around titles and defining relationships is only a small piece of this puzzle. Doctors, counselors, teachers, daycare workers, blah blah blah, the conversations always evolve differently once the "step" label is out. Just being in a blended family seems to come with a baseline stress level. Adding in more from outside our family just makes it more complicated. Since my partner isn't in the step-role, he often seems completely baffled by why I would be somewhat stressed over someone saying to me, "Well, I don't know why you care. It's not like you're their mom, you're only their stepmom."

And this is where I remind myself, again, that I have it good. That it's gotten better with time, and it'll continue to get better (I hope). If I can't relate to my partner about this stuff, at least this site is here. And beer, there's also beer...

MdMom's picture

I love my SD, but hate being a step, with all the responsibility of a parent but none of the say in important matters. = /