How do you deal?
My DH seems to think that our children are all to be treated the same, but then doesn't abide by that. He says I do not encourage SS7 and I am condescending. I don't believe telling him to turn things off and put things away when he will be gone for two weeks, condescending. I don't think have him pronounce words correctly and close his mouth while he chews is condescending. I don't think telling him to stop slamming doors when the baby is sleeping is condescending. This is nothing I didn't and don't expect of my bio children and don't have to correct for SS14 (diff. bio mom). I feel like no one is trying to help him learn and grow and be mindful of others and others property. In the meantime DH doesn't see the manipulation and sneakiness (I mean how do you really say your 7 y/o is manipulating you and have them believe it?) BM of SS7 is manipulative as well. She says you can keep him for an extra x number of days and then I find out about it later when I get told how I am spending my days off. SS7 does not like me and it was after trying so hard to make sure he could see I wasn't trying to take his daddy away that I realized this. DH is a "Disney Dad". As I count down to Christmas time I keep thinking...so why is it fair that DS15, SS14 and DS12 get one big Christmas and a small one, OUR DD gets one and SS7 gets 2 large? Does anyone else have this kind of problem? I feel like a crazy person.
Yes to this: 'I feel like no
Yes to this: 'I feel like no one is trying to help him learn and grow and be mindful of others and others property. In the meantime DH doesn't see the manipulation and sneakiness'
For me this is SS7, and we also have SD12 from the same mother yet somehow SS7 became prince of everything.
I have BD12 and BD8 as well. We share none together.
SS7 is above all rules, extra special treatments, no corrections and hardly ever any punishment for wrong doings. Its maddening.
After the first couple years, I dealt with by disengagement, it hasn't really changed anything DH does or doesn't do where SS7 is concerned, but I no longer bother with him, I don't correct him, I don't do anything really other than ensure he doesn't hurt himself or others when I am stuck alone with the kids. Otherwise its up to DH to do nothing and all the problems that come with it.
3famliesIn1... You said it
3famliesIn1...
You said it perfectly. Disengagement.
I tried, though briefly, to be an influence in my SS and SD's life when I met their mother. They were 7 and 8 and they not only manipulated; they ruled the house, and got their way. I have two sons of my own, and they are the opposite of the stepkids..they were raised with respect and common sense, and I guess I expected that most people bestow such virtues on their children. I was wrong. It's been 3 years now, and although the rules have been established, so have their behaviour patterns. They know they won;t get their way now with me in the picture, but they will fight and argue and push to the limit. I, like 3famliesIn1, no longer bother to try and influence them. I know that when (if) they are on their own, they will resort to being who they are (how they were raised before I met them) and I feel guilty for saying this, but I really don't have high expectations for them. It's my responsibility to ensure that the bills get paid, the heat stays on and they have a bed and food. It ends there. They have a dad (a very irresponsible one mind you) and a mom. I can't hope to turn them around anymore than one can hope to win a million dollar lottery. So I agree with 3familiesIn1...perhaps sometimes, removing one's self from any major role is the only solution.
I get told SS is only 7 and
I get told SS is only 7 and doesn't understand how to manipulate. Uh okay....BABIES know how to manipulate. It is how people learn. Cause and effect. But again I am picking on him.....
Omg exactly I get told the
Omg exactly I get told the same thing!!!! They totally know how to manipulate.
Thank you! Seriously trying
Thank you! Seriously trying not to lose it today. I have been on here constantly so I don't feel so alone. I have no blinders on in regards to my Bio kids and love my SS14 like my own child as well. But SS7 poops gold and smiles rainbows. I can't talk to DH about him without being met with "well DS12 did..." or "well you don't..." okay I am not mother of the year and no kidding DS12 is far from perfect, BUT WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT! Tell SS7 over and over not to kick the dogs....okay and he still does it so then what?? I am the one who makes him have consequences. DH says well I didn't see/hear/whatever....no kidding.....you never do.
If SS7's behavior goes
If SS7's behavior goes unchecked forever, he's going to end up in juvenile court or worse. Kids with no boundaries become adults with no boundaries. And no one is going to call him prince at his first job. Ugh!!! Why can't the Disney Dads see how much they are actually hurting their kids by trying to justify or minimize their bad behavior. I have the same situation w SD10. My biggest fear is seeing her 30, living on our couch and asking dadddddddyyyyyy to pay all her bills. BARF!
I agree! And totally see
I agree! And totally see that! I get the overcompensating. I admit I did that with DS12 after the divorce from his dad and am STILL trying to fix it. I cringe every time DH says "maybe when he is 13 or his mom can't handle him anymore he will come here to live".....OMG PUH freaking LEASE don't say that. If we have these problems now at 7 and EOW I cannot imagine full time and pre/teen. DS12 is a big enough pile of drama (yes love him to pieces but god help me)and what I will still have to be the bad guy. Lucky freaking me.....
All children can be
All children can be manipulative, it is what they do when they want things, often not even on purpose! I know exactly how you feel, my partner and his mum favorites' SS4 so much, he is like a prince and can't seem to do wrong in their eyes, even SD3 is told of for things he gets away with constantly. I dont know what it is. I have been told that at BM house the SD gets treated like a princess and he gets the telling offs but that doesnt condone being treated differenty when they are at ours! i wish there was more i could do. But i think you are completely in the right, he needs to learn to have respect for you and your rules when he is at your house and the same rules that apply to him should apply to everyone else. If you are worried about the presents, you could always just go and buy DD another present to make it fair.
"I feel like no one is trying
"I feel like no one is trying to help him learn and grow and be mindful of others and others property. In the meantime DH doesn't see the manipulation and sneakiness"
AMEN!!! Before I disengaged from SS8, I spent 2 years trying to freaking House Train him! "Wash your hands after using bathroom. Do not choke yourself eating-slow down and chew your food first. Make your bed. Brush your teeth. Put on clothes. Take a shower. Say Excuse Me. Did you not see the guy in the wheelchair you just pushed past going into Target? Don't touch food in your Dad's plate." I mean it is constant things that well-raised children know by Kindergarten! But BM doesn't teach him anything b/c for one she rarely has him. He is at this sitters house or that cousin or that brother and then with us. When he is home, she's upstairs sleep or on phone and he's downstairs fending for himself so she doesn't pay any attention to what he does or does not do. So when he is with us, it takes us 2-3 days to HouseTrain him on common behaviors.
I don't let him slack up and DH gets upset if I'm on him too much with the 'he's just a kid' mess. Well I shouldn't HAVE to be on him if DH would and if he'd learn instead of acting like a wooden f*cking block who can't learn. I'll make him Lysol down every door knob, light switch, handle and anything else he may have touched after walking out of the bathroom without washing his hands. DH doesn't like it but he agrees he needs to learn automatically to wash his nasty hands. He half wipes his ass as it is.
He also will pull the manipulation card, trying to pout and pretend to be sad, saying "no one likes me" and crap to get his way. If he gets fussed at by DH, he immediately falls into his little baby act so that he'll not only get out of trouble but also get him extra attention b/c he'll make DH feel bad. When he wants something, if he's told no, he immediately goes into his act and negotiations asking for alternate things. When he does get what he wants, it's never enough and he's always asking for more or pulling his act. Pure manipulation. Lately DH has not been falling for that which is great! I've disengaged except I do still make him follow the rules in this house if DH slacks. I can't stand the kid--I really can't. But I can disengage and that's how I deal.
I completely understand!! SS7
I completely understand!! SS7 gets to my house and within one hour he asks when they are going to the store to get a toy. I try to avoid and then I am "not trying" or not "encouraging enough" and when I do speak I am "condescending" I just feel like there is never good enough when it comes to him.
It sounds like you're going
It sounds like you're going to have to set your own comfort zone and DH just has to live with whatever level that is for you. He can't make you 'perfectly parent' his kid, his way.