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How do you come to terms with your SO’s family hating you?

lemonlime's picture

It’s quite funny actually. They used to not hate me. Now they do. I believe it has to do with me getting more opinionated on DH’s life with his kids when it affects me and also me being a SAHM.

When I get more opinionated, it’s when it affects me. For example, biobleh had no choice but to sign the kids up for school in this state while still living where she was. Complications arose with her son’s school and them not being able to accept him for tax purposes unless she was willing to pay out-of-state tuition OR write a letter explaining her situation and confirming the kids would be staying with my DH (proof they had residency here). She wanted to do neither. She went to another school 15 minutes away and this time used a friend’s address so they had to accept him there. Of course, this meant DH would have to take him to that school instead of the one 7 minutes away because she didn’t want to state on paper that they wouldn’t be staying with her. DH has been using my car for over a year now (my car is the most reliable of the two). We both came to an agreement that because of biobleh’s lack of planning, unnecessary arrangements would have to be made on his part. And also, I didn’t want him using my car everyday to travel to the school far away when there’s a bus stop for the school he was supposed to go to right in front of our house. It might be childish, but it’s my car and unnecessary miles going into it. I don’t know if biobleh, DH’s mom and sisters stopped to think “Oh, yeah it’s her car.” or if they just don’t give a sh*t. Oh well.

The SAHM part. I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born. It was supposed to only be a year, but is going on 2 now. We’re lucky I can do this. I know not everyone has the choice to. It gets lonely and sometimes I wonder if I have depression, so it has it’s downfalls. But being able to always be with my daughter is the best. DH texted his sister the other day to vent about biobleh and putting him in collections. Her response “We all have bad days.” She managed to fit in there something about me “living like a queen” and real women work hard. Women like biobleh work and this and that. First off, what does this have to do with me? I get the impression that DH’s 2 sisters and biobleh talk sh*t about me (they work together) and then if they’re all together at DH’s mom’s house they talk anout me some more (his mother included). So then they get this pent up anger and that’s why this random outburst happened. Second, they go back and forth on who they like and who they talk crap about, I’ve noticed. Before they hated biobleh, now they’re using her as a good example of a “real woman”? Laughable. DH thinks it comes down to jealousy and how his sister’s ex has recently moved on with someone younger too. And how she can’t stay at home more with her son. They also seemed to have forgotten that for many years when DH was with biobleh, she also didn’t work. 

I’m pretty sure they also hate that DH bought a new house (his first ever) and they feel I’m leeching off him bc I don’t work. DH was able to get this house because of the both of us. I encouraged him to boost his credit score and he was able to pay off debts because I also payed rent on our townhome. When we finally began searching, I was the one always looking for potential homes. I was the one that did all paperwok except sign. If it weren’t for my $1000 (used for escrow) we wouldn’t have a house. I’m annoyed that people talk before coming to get information from the people they love talking about. Oh and we’re currently fully remodeling the kitchen through insurance money since we had a grease fire a couple of months ago. Just remembered how when DH told his sister the news he said she almost laughed. How disgusting. So now I think she’s even more bitter because our home is really going to be nice. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that this family eventually hates whoever is with their son/brother if that son/brother eventually stops doing everything they say i.e starts acting like the family man that he is. (Just to clarify, I mean including me in decisions. I do not think it’s his duty to take care of me. I appreciate everything he does for me and let him know this always.)

I just try to remind myself that I’m in a relationship with DH not his family and that I don’t need people like that to like me. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It helps me to remember that the instability and dysfunction in my DH's family was there generations ago; that these are all damaged people who were raised by damaged people and bred with damaged people; and their normal differs greatly from mine.

And silly as it is, I found a meme on fb to be very validating. It had a picture of Robert De Niro looking tough and said something like "Look, I'm a nice guy. So if I have a problem with you, I'm not the one who's an a$$hole."

I AM a nice person. I'm stable, have been able to maintain friendships for decades, and am the healthiest, longest relationship my DH has ever had. People with poor boundaries tend to resent it when other people erect strong boundaries, so leave them to marinate in their hate.

lemonlime's picture

Beautiful. This is actually true in my case. Their mom is not the sanest person around and has horrid toxic behavior. DH and I began to notice this a couple of years ago when she started playing games with me. In recently started noticing that his sister that I mentioned, is also not as mature as she lets off to be. His other sister hasn’t voiced anything YET. I don’t think she will anyway. She’s the type where if she has a problem with someone she just steers clear, though I’d still prefer she talk to me to hear my side because if she’s steering clear that means she’s listening to the one sided and often times “probably” claims being made about me. As in “she probably did this. She probably said that.” etc. 

I’m a nice person too. Always have been. This is further proven to me when biobleh calls me a “mosquita muerta” or “dead fly” meaning that she claims I pretend to be this innocent fragile thing when really I supposedly have an evil agenda. Lol. No. It’s called being nice. And if I’m nice to someone I don’t like it’s called having manners. Nice is the word she’s looking for not “dead fly”. 

STaround's picture

I might tone down discussions of material things, and for my sake, would be looking to return to work

lemonlime's picture

That’s the thing, I don’t talk about material things ever. I’m always self conscious about what I have and tend to tone down my excitement at the expense of others. When we got our house DH had brought friends over to see and the whole time I was worried they would think we were bragging. DH even says I need stop worrying about what others think and not be afraid to be happy for what we have. 

His sister hears our life updates probably through their mom. 

I like being a sahm for now, so for my sake and my daughter’s I’m good Smile Like right now she’s getting better from fighting off this nasty stomach flu and all she wants today and the days prior was mom and I’m happy to be able to be here for her. 

 

strugglingSM's picture

Your Skid would get kicked out of school if the district found out that the address was fake. In some states, parents are prosecuted for fraud. Some districts use private investigators to verify addresses - it's a serious business and taken very seriously. 

Your DH's family sounds petty. I agree with Exjuliemccoy's comment that dysfunction exists in other people's families and you sometimes can't manage around that. I continue to be horrified at the level of dysfunction that DH's supposedly perfect family exhibits. Their currency with one another is blame and shame. Casting judgment against other people also seems to be a primary hobby. They are extremely bitter about DH's divorce even though it doesn't really impact them. Silent SIL (so called because in almost five years, she has spoken to me once and acknowledged my presence only about 3 other times) makes it her mission to be angry at DH over nothing, simply because she feels he didn't try hard enough to stay married. BIL (DH's own flesh and blood) has repeatedly told DH that he clearly doesn't care about his children or he'd be nicer to BM (mind you, BIL has never talked to DH about what goes on with BM, he is basing this off conversations with BM). Both MIL and BIL have conferred with BM over the fact that clearly things were great until I came along, making me the sole source of all the conflct between DH and BM (DH has assured me and I can attest that this is 100% false). I've asked DH repeatedly if his family was best friends with BM when they were married and he says that they weren't, so my assumption is that this is just the latest turn in his family's dysfunction. 

It's taken a lot of tears, anger, and counseling on my part - and I'm still working on it - to accept the fact that I have to put up with this with a smile on my face, because otherwise, I will just allow myself to get pulled into their drama. However, it's made me feel better to realize that I have the power over how much I let these people into my life and it's within my control to not allow them much access to me. With MIL, I try to do enough so that she can't claim I'm slighting her (she still does, but her claims sound ridiculous). That means, I try to be helpful at holidays and smile and give her a hug when I'm around. I don't go out of my way to call her on the phone or spend time with her. That bothers her, but she doesn't reach out that often and she can't demand that I go out of my way to reach out to her. I flat out ignore BIL. He's been a minimal presence in our lives and DH only talks to him when he reaches out, so he's pretty easy to ignore. On holidays, I will give him a fake smile and hello and call it a day. He's done enough that I'm totally justified in not trusting him and he and his wife (Silent SIL) are downright rude, so I don't even really feel the need to be polite. I will sometimes talk to their children, but neither child really knows who I am, so I don't even feel compelled to put in an effort with them. 

It's not ideal and it's a terrible situation to be part of, but I try to remind myself that it's okay to not like everyone and just because someone has a genetic relationship with you or your spouse, doesn't mean they are "family". In my view, family are the people who are there for you in your darkest moments, when you truly need them, not when everything is fun and happy. DH's family never once offered support or sympathy when he was going through his divorce, so in my view, they are not family. He actively reached out and asked both BIL and MIL for support and they not only told him no, but in MIL's case, they tried to make him feel ashamed of getting divorced. I don't value the opinions of people who do that to their loved ones and I hold them at arms' lenght as a result. 

hereiam's picture

How do you come to terms with your SO’s family hating you?

You just realize that they are a bunch of jealous busybodies, miserable with their own lives. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Panther1's picture

He has been divorced once ( probably financially burned ) you said he was venting to them about his ex and collections.

And now he is married for a 2nd time - to a woman that is not working even though it was to only be for a year.  So maybe they are aware that your DH only agreed to you being a SAHM for 1 year and now since it is almost 2 years, they think you are SAHM at his expense.

I would not want that for my brother.  If I knew that the agreement was for 1 year and it had carryover's for 2 years I would be concerned that he did not have the full partner of his expectations.

lemonlime's picture

Have they personally asked him about this before making rude remarks about me? Not once. There’s better ways to hande how they feel. There’s no excuse for the snotty things they say or do.

The only one who should have a problem with this doesn’t have one. So why would others feel compelled to be mad for him? We have talked about this which is the only reason I can confidently say he has no problem. It’s not easy, I know this. And like I said, I always remind him of how much I appreciate him and he never fails to mention how much he loves coming home to see us (my daughter and I) at home waiting for him. 

Panther1's picture

about money problems and collections with his family, they are very concerned.

He may feel appreciated.  I am sure that he likes coming home to a clean home and a cooked meal.

None of that would matter to his family and his sisters expecially.  They might have slight jealousy of not being a SAHM but mostly the concern is for the brother being financially used and abused.

lemonlime's picture

He’s not venting about money problems, he was venting that because of bms ability to be so irresponsible he was sent to collections. If you read my other post I explain there that she never gave him notice nor let him know that there was mail going to her house in regards to collections for the kids’ doctor visits that she took him too. He’s just fed up as this is not the first time, that she doesn’t notify. And although she’s legally obligated to pay for half of insurance and half of doctor visits, she won’t. It’s not a money problem. If the collections were anything else, we would have paid and it wouldn’t be a problem at all right now. It’s a being in collections once again because of bm- problem. 

It’s hard not to get offended with your financially used and abused comments. Like I said, the only person where it would change everything and actually matter is in no way bothered by doing what he does, at all. 

Panther1's picture

from his families point of view.  It may not be jealousy at all, it may just be concern.

2nd marriages do not have a very good statistic for staying together.

lemonlime's picture

I get it, but they also need to back track and see what I have put into this financially as well. I was paying half of the rent (rent is insanely high here) for a 3 bedroom home (which we got 3 bedrooms for his kids when they hardly ever slept there). I chipped in a lot for his kids birthdays and Christmas presents and vacations we went to. 

DH is in the best financial state he’s ever been in (never was even in a “okay” financial state) and I’m not afraid to take credit as he was the one who initially said it was because of me. Not to mention, overall, the healthiest relationship he’s been in. It’s sad but sometimes when certain things happen he’ll go “wow. biobleh would have gone off because of that but of course not you.” in regards to the smallest things that make no sense to be mad about.

They applaud their family friend for things such as taking ownership of her bf’s Mercedes when she has her own working car (although not a Mercedes) and adding miles and miles on it (as she drives 4 hour trips consistently to come this way) but I’ve been with DH going on 4 years now and we both put in what we can (I used to put in more when I worked obviously) but that gives them the right to talk bad about me? I don’t think so. 

 

 

tog redux's picture

Your brother's marriage is not your business though - as this OP's marriage is not her in-law's business. They can be concerned as they want, but they have no right to comment or criticize the choices two adults make.

Anonymity's picture

Isn't what your adult brother does in his own family with his adult wife his business and concern? 

Panther1's picture

and him and I have open communication and we can have adult conversations.  I would emotionally support him at all times, but I will also let him know of my concerns  in his business.

If he is an addict, I would voice concerns.  If the partner he chose to marry did not fulfill his expectations of what he was marrying, I would also voice concern for him.

Anonymity's picture

Okay but to meddle, gossip, ostracize is unacceptable. Your brother is a man, not a boy and you're not his parent. 

tog redux's picture

And that's what OP is asking for here - for his family to butt out and let them be responsible for their choices.

lemonlime's picture

You’re getting too into this. I feel I have to state that I did not marry your brother nor am I your sister in law. So these “red flags” you mention do not exist just because you think they do. You wouldn’t want your brother to do what my DH does for me? Great. That’s a you problem. Still not a red flag. 

I have to also ask if you’ve spoken with my DH about what his expectations of me are? Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure you haven’t. I literally mentioned how I had a conversation with him about what you said and he said “it’s weird how others get mad about something I do when I’m not even mad”. 

If you think a relationship will unfold because of a stay-at-home parent, that’s sad, but again a “you” problem. Be sure to let almost all of the users on here know how their relationships will fail (2nd marriages) without even knowing firsthand how their relationships really are. 

Anyway, have a good day. 

tog redux's picture

Exactly.  The family's opinion of your marriage is unimportant.  Whether they think you being a SAHM is wrong is of no consequence. Whether they are worried about him doesn't matter. They need to butt out, and they certainly have no right to treat you poorly based on their own beliefs about how people should go about being married.

 

lemonlime's picture

Yes, thank you.

There’s also that saying, as lame as it sounds, “Everytime you point a finger, remember there are 3 more pointing back at you.” They have their own much more serious situations that they should be worried about.

Goodluck's picture

Its only workable IF your boyfriend tells them to NEVER disrespect his girlfriend again.

Apparently bf did not.

Sorry.

lemonlime's picture

Sorry, how do you gather? He did to bm. She hasn’t done anything since.

This is new with his sister. I don’t think he said anything to her in that regard, though. He just said that it’s sad when jealosy overcomes you. 

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

My current SO family actually like me. But my exh's family did not like me much. How did I deal with it? I hated them even more so in return. I avoided them and rarely went to their family gatherings. On the few occasions I did I kept to myself. They were cordial but it was not a close knit situation. It turns out their son had many problems so I was happy to cut him loose. In the end they asked me to take care of him because he was an addict but I said nope you people are not kind to me. I'm out.

lemonlime's picture

Hating them sounds time consuming to me. If that makes sense. I’ve successfully cut off communication from DH’s mother so I think I can ignore any outbursts (if there are to be more) from his sister. 

His fathers love me. His grandma loves me. His aunt loves me. I think love would be too odd to say in this situation so I’d say his uncle likes me. (We don’t hang out with uncle often but we get along). It’s no coincidence that the ones who don’t like me are the ones always gossiping about others. His dad (mom’s current husband) loathes the gossip. Grandma is very religious and chooses to spend her time doing happier things. Aunt is too grown for that stuff and uncle is uninterested in the gossip.

I’m happy for you that you got out of that mess and on to better things though :)  

lemonlime's picture

Lol yes I know. I’m still just replying to anyone who comments. Had my problem solved after having a conversation with DH as I explained in a reply to Curios Georgetta. *ETA* Basically “ignore everybody, people are always going to talk. I do what I do because I love you” etc.

I’d delete this post if I knew how. Let me know if you know how... 

Anonymity's picture

Cut the toxic people out of your life. Implore DH to stop discussing financial stuff, you, your home, his ex etc with them. He should be keeping that stuff between him and you!

Also, you're mistaken. It IS your husband's job to take care of you and you him. You must protect and defend your marriage and home against toxic busybodies. 

Daycares are prohibitively expensive. It's fine for one parent to stay home with little kids. 
 

Ignore the bitter, jealous harpies that are enmeshed with biobleh.