guilty for disengaging :(
Hello again, thank you all for the advice last time. I'm sorry I'm not on here as much as I'd like to be. I work full time and time just gets away from me. But it's nice to get on here and vent, and I think its saved me from starting a fight with DH because I get to release some of that frustration.
My problem is guilt. I'm trying to disengage but it's been hard. I get frustrated with DH for not stepping up and then I feel guilty for not helping. I have two recent examples:
1. Tuesday morning I had to leave early to get to work (early meeting). I fed the dogs, made the bed, cleaned up the bathroom, and got myself dressed. I usually do everything with SD6 but this morning I didn't have time and honestly felt like for my own sanity he really needs to start helping with her in the morning. I can't get myself ready and her ready while he just gets himself ready. When I left DH hadn't stepped up to deal with SD6 and he was bitching about not having clean socks. (I stopped doing any laundry that he did not put in the laundry hamper- therefore, no socks) I left. I get halfway to work and he texts me frantic and pissed about the location of his car keys. He can't find them. SD is late for school, he is late for work. I felt guilty for leaving them, if I had stayed we could have rode together. i feel like I bailed on him, even though I had an early meeting.
2. Today I left work early with a migraine and a head cold. I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I'm tired and not feeling good. I go home and crash. DH texts me at 4:30 asking if I got SD from school. I'm thinking uh no...I told you I came home sick. I texted back no. He said "will you go get her?" I responded that I was sleeping when he texted and still had a migraine. He didn't respond. I caved and said I would go get her. He could have gotten her. But I feel guilty about not wanting to go get her.
I feel so guilty for disengaging. And then he does things like asking me to get her when I go home early sick! I get resentful then get guilty for being resentful.
Maybe I need counselling. Thanks again for listening ladies.
You're so right in
You're so right in everything. I just have to let all these things go. I keep telling myself that, like a mantra, just let it go, let it go. This morning making the bed, wondering if he was ever going to get her up I just kept thinking, let it go, if he doesn't get her dressed that's on him, I do enough already.
I feel like I need a support group, where I get to say, "I am a stepmom, and I try to do everything." Like AA meetings, "My name is Blank, and I'm an alcoholic."
I drive myself crazy.
"And if you think you're a
"And if you think you're a wee bit resentful, harried and harassed now? Oh, darlin'...just wait until you have this baby. Then, you'll be feeding the baby, getting the baby ready for day care, getting HIS kid ready, dropping the baby off, picking his kid up from school, etc...all while he gets HIMSELF ready. In three months time, you'll hate his guts."
That is what I am scared of the most.
Thanks Echo, That means a
Thanks Echo, That means a lot. I've read a lot of your comments on others' posts and I respect the straightforward advice you give. I'm going work on my guilt and work on setting boundaries, but in the meantime I'm glad I can come here and get the kick in the pants I need. lol.
I also think it's natural to
I also think it's natural to feel guilty. Disengaging - while brilliant and lifesaving - goes against most of our innate needs. We have a need to be care takers. Children need to be taken care of, but when you find yourself doing more of the caring for a skid, the resentment builds. Gratitude from the bio parent is usually the cure for this all. But when you find you aren't getting that? You have to disengage.
As Echo mentions - figure out what disengaging means for you. It is truly different for each of us. My SS was 16 when I disengaged. I did NOTHING for him. And it felt right for ME. If he had been 7? probably would have needed to find a different route.
AND lastly - give it some time. It will take a few weeks or months to let go of the guilt. Focus on you and your pregnancy and soon your wee new one!
Ditto, dtzyblnd! I felt
Ditto, dtzyblnd! I felt RELIEF. For me, once I really realized that SD isn't here to visit me, it was really easy. Because, after all, she isn't hear to visit me. She is here to visit her dad. And when she wants to go places with me, I can totally tell her no (and not really rejecting or turning her down) and remind her that her dad doesn't see her often and she should spend time with him. It also rekindles the fact with DH that the time with her is limited. Also, he doesn't feel like I am rejecting her. It really kinda looks like I am looking out for them, when it is really me I am looking after
I would also suggest that you
I would also suggest that you tell your DH how you feel. Let him know how shitty of him it was to expect you to pick up SD when you were home sick or if you don't want to go that route, at least set up a plan for the future - there will be times when you will be sick in the future and there will be two kids, not one!
I let guilt control me way too often! When I'm asked to do something and say no to, but the guilt nags at me, I wait 10 minutes. I've found that DH usually comes up with another solution in that time and if he doesn't, then I get extra brownie points for saying yes. He's yet to clue in that I was calling to say yes anyway.