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Guess I am crossing a boundary

Elite2020's picture

So...DH has been on his job for over 25 years. Unlike myself and other working class adults he hasn't had the unfortunate pleasure of job hunting. I am going somewhere here, so bare with me. 

Oldest SK sent DH a text asking if his job was hiring for the summer. Which is weird because DH told me SK had a summer job. When I asked DH he said that is what SK told him. Ok no big deal things happen. 

I said to DH, yes look, BUT tell SK to get online and start a profile and submit a resume. Also tell SK to get job alerts. Even if all the summer jobs might be filled you never know what will happen during the fall/winter. 

DH basically snapped my head off and in so many words was letting me know that was his job and his kid. So with that being said I am even further disengaging. I will not make suggestions nor offer help. And if if my help is needed I may play dumb. 

Big sigh!

I feel better now that I vented! 

JRI's picture

Everything we do is wrong.  And, if by chance we do something right, why didnt we do more and do it earlier?  Lol.

ITB2012's picture

It was right that one time and we were told that time we should do it more often. Then when we do it again it's wrong. 

CLove's picture

Thats why I call myself the "step -aside", because we are good for paying for things and we are good for helping when necessary, and we are good for maintaining the home, but when things get real we must step aside, and keep our traps shut.

I JUST had a situation last night. I blogged on it. Was told basically "whats it to you?" When I remarked that SD14 was on her phone a lot watching videos. With attitude all night.

I am beyond caring at this point. Its been a gradual slide.

SD21, Feral Forger, STILL has no drivers license, hasnt had a job in almost a year, lives with her mother and doesnt contribute anything, not even helping out with cleaning. So glad that shes not with us. I told DH that I will not be living with her ever again.

somethingwicked's picture

OP! YOU are NOT doing disengaging right.

Step  away from everything skid related and let Daaddeee handle it all .All of it from soup to nuts to planning , picking up and cleaning up etc etc it?

If DH  asks you what gives  tell him what he told you "his job and his kid."

And that's all true.

It IS all on him and the biohag to raise their lil shared DNA nugget  .You are just an innocent bystander roped into some  faux mother role  when you are a SM in StepHell .They will  use you and also blame you for whatever and when it is convenient , these  parents  with poor widdle children of divorce .

Start practicing the apathetic nod with a neutral smile or a noncommittal flat affect "uh huh"or "that's nice"  as a response if H brings up his pwecious lil pwince in conversation.Then switch the subject  to anythng but his kid.

Practice intentionally not investing yourself  in their relationship because when you have no f*cks to give only then will you reach StepZen.

Disengaged here for  7 years and my marriage has never been better.

You can do it!

nappisan's picture

yes dont even bother with helping out with the job search or anything ,, and when DH whines that his brat isnt working,,, oh well not your problem.    my ex-SS13 started high school at the beginning of the year,  my DH and the BM hadnt even purchased him a Macbook that is a requirement for school the day before high school started,,, i stupidly went out of my way and left work early to go a purchase one ,, then spent the evening downloading all the software for the brat just so he was organised for his first day in high school!!!  WTF did i do this for ??? i should have left this to the bio parents to do cos it just backfired on me anyway with my DH getting all moody that i was 'taking over'!!  UM OK if i didnt do it , no one would have .....thats where i should have left it and let the school contact the bio parents and question why the brat isnt prepared for his first day when they had 8 weeks of holidays to prepare.   My advice to you,,, dont even mention or do anything regading your SK,,, nothing at all!  let them all fned for themselves , its not worth the critisizm you will recieve from trying to be the efficient parent  

Rags's picture

IMHO this is exactly the situation where the SParent has to remove all financial support for anything to do with the Skids.  If your partner is that much of an ass and BM is so useless that they don't recognize how critical your resources and time investment is... let them all rot in the stench of their idiocy.  Separate all finances, contribute absolutely nothing to the household. After all, DH is supposed to be the man who provides. Force the issue. Rub his nose in his failure as a man, husband and father and keep the stench of BM's related failures front and center.

When shit comes crashing down around DH's ears, the Skid is unable to function because daddy is a moron, then just ask "So, how is this all working out for everyone.  I'm fine.  I will not bail you out or alleviate the consequences of your failures in any way.  Gotto go to work.  Have fun!"


Kes's picture

I feel that even if we are disengaged, we are still allowed to have an opinion on the SKID's life and/or behaviour and voice it if we choose, without getting slapped down.  

somethingwicked's picture

I agree.

When  where  and  what our SO does with and for skid(s)negatively  impacts our life/marriage, partnership ,our space, our private possessions or our combined financials SP has to step back in to confront her/his partner  and clearly set the ground rules.

After almost 21 years of experiencing the bizarre ,painful  inequity of Step Hell, I told my DH he can have any kind of relationship with his  sainted ( by then ) adult daughters   but I will no longer be partaking in the prostrating and worshipping of them to the exclusion of my and his  self worth  . He can go it alone. Visit them anywhere but our home.

He had to agree  keep our lives private. If he could not it was grounds for divorce IMHO as it exposed that he was not a trustworthy partner. I did not want nor expect him to visit his pwincesses and have my name in his mouth during the visit while they pumped him for info to fuel their twisted obsession.

That started HIS disengagement process b/c he no longer had me carrying the emotional bags , facillitating their relationships doing the planning and buying etc.  When I bailed they lost the focus of their hate or a reason to blame their dysfunction onsomeone other than their family. They focused their hate on their father   because he could not return to them their fave target :me.

It was always easier to blame the evil SM rather than  look to their bio parents for the causes of their discontent OR seek a way to fix themselves with therapy.That is too hard  and too painful for them and probably impossibleto expect any type of introspection on the part of these narc or BPD people. .

I told him he cannot bankrupt us, our   way of life or retirement plans throwing heaps of cash,  purchasing expensive gifts for them to buy his "girls" continual phony filial devotion. If he ran through his retirement then he would be living in a camper or the "Y" or with one of his lovelies.

I was completely disengaged for 2 years and he  was going it  alone when he finally pulled back , could no longer  take their abuse.

Laying ground rules with disengagement worked for me but it did not happen overnight.

But every SP has to find his/ her  voice and worth and realize that when their partner is weak or fearful of the EX or children they do not /will not change without  some  enlightenment ,therapy or relationship education .

When the SO realizes that maintaining dysfunctional family dynamics could cost them dearly and what they stand to lose in the long or short run, their current partner , it puts the situation in perspective ~IF they value that relationship/marriage.

hereiam's picture

DH has never been like that when I tried to help his daughter, he has asked me to, at times.

Like when I printed out a list of agencies that would help her get a job, teach her how to get through an interview, etc. According to SD, BM saw it and threw it in the trash, saying that SD didn't need any of that.

No, because BM has never wanted SD to become independent.

I no longer care what SD29 does or doesn't do. Except for the fact that she lives off of tax dollars, for no good reason other than she is lazy.

Rags's picture

Taxpayer funded support should go only to those who are developmentally or physically incapable of providing for themselves. Not one penny should go to the villfully lazy who are capable but unwilling to provide for themselves. Hunger, cold and misery are great motivators and teaching tools.  We need to make sure these pathetic losers live their hunger, cold and miserable lives to the fullest level required to force their heads out of their own asses.

IMHO of course.