Good or bad idea?
BM (who has historically been rude and nasty to me) has requested that her, DH, and I meet for ice cream with the girls so we can interact in a calm, social setting. This is supposed to be for the benefit of the girls; to see that their two homes, while separate, are still working together and are not at odds with each other. The overall goal being that we can eventually get past the anxiety of confronting each other and develop a constructive relationship.
So that's the plan.
The reality? We've tried this once before. BM showed up with her boyfriend (who she had denied even existed for weeks prior to that), ignored me the entire time, and dropped the bomb on DH about her leaving for school later than orginally planned and demanding time with the girls during our scheduled custody time (summer). All in front of the girls, who also had never met this mystery boyfriend before.
So my gut tells me to avoid it. Let DH deal with her. But there's another part of me that would like for us to be able to get together for the girls and have an amicable relationship. I just don't want to keep putting forth these efforts for her to keep disappointing and shooting it down. She changes her mind and attitude more than I change my underwear, so I can't help but feel very skeptical and weary about this.
Should I just avoid it altogether? Or perhaps just delay it until she can demonstrate CONSISTENT calm and rational behavior/attitude?
Short of graduations,
Short of graduations, weddings, births, and funerals I see no reason why you need to spend anytime together.
I know we don't NEED to ..
I know we don't NEED to .. and I'm not talking about going to dinner together or having play dates on a regular basis. But for social events, like birthday parties or school events, it'd be nice if there wasn't all this hostility (from both ends).
The specific example I'm thinking of is this:
SD6 just turned 6 and because she was with us for that weekend, we threw her a birthday party. DH and BM see a co-parenting therapist once a month. The therapist told them that if her presence with me there would create a hostile environment, then it was best that she not go. This was the same thing that happened with SD4's last birthday. Except BM threw SD4 her real party, and we had a small get together for family at home the next weekend. We expected the same from her. And we were very disappointed.
She planned ANOTHER party the day before ours and invited all of her school friends (3 days after we sent out invitations to those same kids). SD6 was so stressed out that people would be confused and not come to her parties. We had to explain to her that people would come to her parties, but probably not both, so she would have 2 smaller parties instead of one big one. In the end it worked out, but I'd like to avoid those types of things from happening in the future without having to sacrifice throwing our own parties, etc.
That's assuming she's ever
That's assuming she's ever able to do that!
Um, I going to go with BAD
Um, I going to go with BAD idea. Very bad. Youve even already tried it and it didnt work out so well, so why revisit the idea? Do the kids really need to see you all having ice cream together? What if the end up seeing mommy throwing her peanut buster parfait at stepmommy's head? where's the benefit?
A secret concern I have is
A secret concern I have is that she will somehow use these "attempts" at establishing communication with me and my refusal to comply against us in court. Not a really founded concern, but I have learned to never underestimate her and the levels she will sink to.
I tend to agree with the
I tend to agree with the origional responce. There is no need for you to spend time together. The kids are going to be fine either way. If you went and it went well, that's nice. But if you go and have a repeat of your last attempt you, DH and the kids will be upset.
Well said Ripley. If you
Well said Ripley. If you really want to try the experiment but it has failed before, take the girls out of the equation and schedule some adult-only meetings as dry runs. That way only the adults get hurt and your bullshit barometer will be able to detect all it needs (and point the same out to DH).