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Glad to no longer be a stepmom.

NoNameThx's picture

Hi everyone. Haven't posted in a while and k don't remember if I told you guys. But in December DH out of nowhere told me he didn't love me anymore and it was over. No warning, no discussion. I moved out with absolutely nothing--no furniture, no bedding, no kitchen stuff...nothing. Just me and my cats.

Come to find out he cheated on me just like most other cops do on their wives. Left me for another woman. Immediately started having this woman over all the time. Convinced SD13 that ts totally ok. They made me the enemy. Despite me raising that kid, and trying to do the best I could for her, I got the boot and he and his girlfriend have taught SD13 that marriage is disposable and it's OK to leave your wife for someone else when you've grown tired of her.

In the beginning I tried to maintain a relationship with SD13 because she wanted to. And I did love her. But it became clear that it just wasn't going to work. So I let it fizzle out.

Now that all the dust has settled...I am so darn HAPPY that he left! No more being controlled. No more being told that the 13 year old will ALLLLWAYS come first. No more watching those two go on "daddy daughter dates" when be NEVER made alone time for me.

Now that the dust has settled I'm ready to date again. And I've decided that I willl NOT date a man with kids! I just won't. At 33 it's hard to find men that don't. But I won't bend. I won't play second fiddle to a mini wife ever again. I also will never date another cop.

NoNameThx's picture

Yes I'm keeping age options open. Honestly I care more about maturity than age. I'm open to guys younger and older.

Evil3's picture

I'm with you on staying away from cops. They are notorious for cheating on their wives and divorcing. They are pompous asses. Good idea on staying away from men with children too. You're young enough that you are bound to find one of those. I've always sworn that if something happened to my DH, I would never date a man with a DD again. The mini-wife thing is torture.

Gimlet's picture

If you came out of that with your cats and without that cheating prick, I think you got the good end of that bargain. I'm sorry you went through it, but glad you're now free to find something much better!

onthefence2's picture

I was thinking the same thing. She put up with way too much and will likely do it again if she doesn't figure out why.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I too know many decent police officers.

Sure, there are aggressive, power tripping, egotistical cops. There are more that are kind, level headed, and calm. They don't make the headlines - they just go out and do their jobs every day.

onthefence2's picture

TONS of people think my ex-husband is a decent person. Only a couple know he is a psychopath. We really don't know a person, until we do...

Rags's picture

Congratulations on your new found freedom and fresh start. My condolences on the demise of your marriage.

One is a great opportunity, the other is no great loss.

Take care of you.

NoNameThx's picture

Thanks everyone. Life has truly been good. Living in such a toxic marriage helped me gain insight into all the red flags I shouldn't have ignored with him when we were still dating. But I was young, lonely, and naive. Lesson learned. I've made a list of non negotiables; things I will refuse a date with someone over, or break it off with a man over. And I won't bend. No cops--yes there are
Plenty of good cops but I want nothing to do with the cop wife lifestyle ever again. No men with kids--no ifs, ands, or butts. No men who spend more time talking about themselves than getting to know you (this happened early on with the ex but once again, I was young and naive). I've been enjoying dating again and so far nothing serious has happened, which is fine. Gone on some decent dates. And a few horrible ones. But the difference this time around is I know from experience that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE. And if I get that gut feeling on the first date, I'm going with it.

Funny, ex is so narcissistic he told people my
Life wild crumble without him. Ha...he's having trouble paying his bills, no one to watch his kid for him. Etc. meanwhile I'm having lots of fun going out with friends, going on bills are all is good.

Anyone reading this who is dating or is engaged to a man with kids: if you have ANY doubts now, BACK OUT NOW. He won't change. You'll always come last. I spent 9 miserable years with a man who treated his daughter as if she was the wife, not me. And I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be walked all over.

onedayatatime2016's picture

I'm glad to hear things have gotten back on track for you - that's a great story. Does sound like your still grieving over it and hurt by everything still with all the restrictions your placing on finding/ meeting someone new. I would think its normal to have some doubts when making life choices with any partner, which would indicate that the person is actually thinking it through properly instead of jumping into it. I think "backing out " now just because of possible doubts and labeling that all men "won't change " is also a tad harsh.

NoNameThx's picture

No. It ISN'T harsh. Certain red flags were subtly there that I chose to put up with because I wanted to be fair and give him a chance. So his short temper...yeah, didn't change. Him telling me he would always
Love his daughter more than me and my needs would always come after hers...didn't change. Him belittling me and calling me names and then telling me the name calling was just a joke...didn't change. That doesn't make me harsh to not let red flags like that slide now. It makes me smart.

LikeMinded's picture

Good for you!

I'm sure you will avoid step parenting situations in the future, and I don't blame you. I envy your freedom!