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What is with fathers' obsessions with their daughters?

NoNameThx's picture

Anyone else get really creeped out by things like "daddy daughter dates" or "daddy daughter days"? I guess maybe it's just because of me being a stepmom but it totally creeps me out.

Every Tuesday DH has off work, and that is his "daddy-daughter date" with SD10. I know it's healthy to spend time with your daughter but I get a little tired of coming home on Tuesdays to DH and SD10 cuddling on the couch...*barf*....I mean it almost seems incestuous even though it's not. Does that make sense?

It just creeps me out when people call father-daughter time "dates". NO, DATES ARE FOR LOVERS, not for your friggin DAUGHTER.

And in case you are curious, no, hubby and I do NOT have regular dates. We haven't had a date in 2 months.

But 10 year old gets them. :sick:

emotionaly beat up's picture

Oh yes it is incestuous, emotionally incestuous, and it will harm his daughters emotional development more than he will ever know. He is giving her an unrealistic view on life. He is giving her a distorted perception on how relationships work. He is making her "special" and she will grow into am over indulged, spoilt, self centred young woman with an over inflated sense of entitlement. Her perception of her father as a child is that daddy is here to make me feel as though I am the most important person in the world. Watch how that pays off for daddy when she is an adult. Your husband has no idea of what's ahead of him. Unfortunately,. If this is allowed to continue, you will be collateral damage.

Daddy daughter time. A morning at the skating rink, a couple of hours at the park or beach, an hour playing the snow. A date, that is so wrong. She, poor kid has no idea how a normal father behaves, she is stuck with a father who will spend his life bending over backwards to please her, never denying her anything, never saying no. He will say its because he loves her. It's not. It's because he's afraid of losing her. So he will ruin his life, her life, your life and your marriage in his bid to keep her, even if what he does is emotionally harmful to her. That's not loving her, that's loving himself. He's not looking after her, he's looking after himself.

twoviewpoints's picture

Just reading a few of your other postings. I get the impression it wouldn't matter if SD//DH were spending a couple hours at a skating rink or a movie or just out raking the yard together. What I could see was this guy is all about his job and his daughter. There was no husband/wife. He's a 'busy' hard worker and a 'daddy', end of story. You? Well you're the built in babysitter for his 12hr shifts and his housekeeper to keep his palace clean.

And then there's Gma. The one who thinks GD is her little princess and spoils and babies the girl. The entire postings I read were sad. But what really stood out was it's not the child, it's the adults in her life. This SD doesn't stand a chance of growing up without thinking the world turns just for her and that she's the most special precious little darling ever. Heaven help whatever man gets stuck with this child as a grown woman. She's going to be totally high maintenance.

I kept wondering why you're still in this relationship. Have you/Dh tried marriage counseling? Or counseling just for you to give yourself a chance to review what it is in life that you need and what would and could bring happiness to you. Everything (except your teaching job) was centered around making husband happy and caring for his child in his absence. When he is 'home' and not sleeping everything centers around him spending time with his daughter so she feels her father is involved in her life. Yes, SD having time with her father and a sense of having a loving involved parent is important, but that's all I read. How this man's entire existence revolved around his work and his few hours here and there being a father.

I think your Dh is happy as a lark and sees no problem anywhere in all this at all. If you were to sit him down and try to express your feelings and how this is all not working for you, I doubt he'd have a clue that your own life and your marriage to him (and mothering his daughter) is anything but just sunshine and roses and you should be as happy as he is. I really have no advice, except perhaps counseling. There's just so much 'wrong' in your situation than a father/daughter 'date night'. Honestly? I think the guy would be sitting on his computer or taking an extra nap if SD was not even there that evening or was off in her bedroom doing normal 10yr old stuff.

Mimzy's picture

I so agree with you, my bf is 58 yo and his daughter is 27 yo an attorney and she just got married...he calls her "baby girl" every time they talk/text and she calls him "daddy"...enough already!

emotionaly beat up's picture

I make a point of taking each of my grandchildren to the shops with me individually, their dad takes then individually to the hardware store and my daughter also will give them a turn each at shopping with her when their dad is home to mind the others, and of course there are times when we all just take them together. It's not date night. It's not made a big deal of , it's just something that gives us all one on one time and helps you to get to know that child as a person separate to his brothers. It is something all the kids love and ALL the kids get this special one on one time. If there is only one child, why would you do this. Why would you put the idea of date night into their heads. You would have plenty of alone time with this child as it is. I don't see this as ending well. I think this poor child is going to be a very difficult young woman. It's nice to make your children feel special, but adored, above others, entitled, no. She goes on date nights with daddy, but he and his wife don't. That's not healthy for that child to be raised with.

Justforthis, you have a perfectly normal, healthy, adult relationship with your father. The key though is in your comment - this did not start as a child. You have been allowed to develop into a healthy adult. You must've had good parents.

oneoffour's picture

I haven't called my Dad 'Daddy' for years. I feel it makes your relationship with your father somewhat juvenile. My MIL refers to her deceased father as 'Daddy' and my SIL does the same thing. Now I HAVE to remember it must be a cultural thing.

However, in doing this aren't we making the father/daughter relationship somewhat frozen in time? Daddy will always be Daddy even when you are grown and married with a family of your own. Daddy is Daddy despite you referring to your mother as Mum/Mom and now call obliging aunts and uncles by their first names. This is carried on with Daddy as your protector and the person to run to in any perceived problem in your life. Because Daddy fixes everything and you don't have to stand on your own two feet and sort it out yourself or rely on your Live in SO/Spouse.

My father never cuddled and snuggled with me on a regular basis. But I can recall moments of infinite kindness and understanding. When I had my appendix out at 14 I was as sick as a dog for about 2 weeks. When I got home I hadn't any appetite. My father made me a small meal with food I could eat. I cried when I couldn't eat it and he held me and told me today I didn't feel hungry. But tomorrow I would feel a little better and it wasn't a competition and when I was well enough I would forget about feeling so lousy and my appetite would come back. He promised me I would.

I didn't need special time with him on a regular basis. I knew I was loved. He loved all 4 of his daughters.